beentheredonethat77 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Hi everyone, I am looking to glean some wisdom from the many experienced daters on here. Ive had a lot of experience myself but this one has me stumped. Ive been dating/ in a relationship with a man for just under a year. We are both in our mid 40's. It moved quicker than i would have liked in terms of feelings on both side, him first and me following. We both agreed that we cant believe how lucky we are to have found the other person at this point of our lives. His brother even expressed that hes never seen him this happy. Now this next point, i only mention this due to its potential relevance of the bigger picture and it may alter your view on this; he is extremely busy with multiple companies he owns; over a thousand people rely on him for their jobs. He flies to Europe/ US and asia constantly and a lot for business and has asked me to join him whenever i can. So far ive been unable as UP until recently ive been busy with my own business ventures. We seem to both be very secure mentally and financially; so with this relationship its a case of not needing eachother but genuinely loving and enjoying eachother. In all my years of dating, relationships and marriage, i have never been so attracted, physically/sexually and intellectually stimulated. Basically, he is a bit of a unicorn to me... or so i thought. 2 things: 1. He has always been someone to run late/ run over with meetings but in the past few months this has been happening at a higher rate... last date he was over 1 hour late to meet me and didn't text me to tell me... as he said 'he couldn't use his phone, it was a stressful meeting tying up a crucial deal. Fine -- understand. After the last time -- i told him kindly, calmly and firmly that it hurt my feelings that he was late -- not because i cant fill in one hour .. but it told me he didn't respect my time; i let him know that my time is as important as his, regardless of what he is doing -- that he can go to the restroom and text me if need be. He conceded and apologized and said while he cant control meetings running over he knows he should have more courtesy with letting me know. (As a side note, he left me waiting both times at my residence, so not at a public place etc. STill... i ran like a crazy person to be ready for him, re-arranged other plans etc .. and then waited.... 2. Now THIS is the real issue for me. On his business trips he is *terrible* at keeping in communication. He hates texts at the best of times.. hes been a crap texter since the day one.. but when hes away hes worse. This last trip was on the heels of him being late to see me .. and he was going to a fairly dangerous country. He fell off the grid for 3 days. This triggered me to make the cringeworhty mistake of blowing up his phone with "this isn't working for me" .. to "are you ok?" .. "im seriously worried" -- (but some of it was long-annoying blocks of text .... yep. He didn't respond. This infuriated me. I tried calling his phone -- just once.. .. NO answer. I feel at the very least he could have fore-warned me he'd be out of contact for a while, i'd have been fine with that.. but no warning and just nothing. Eventually he responded (assumably because he saw my missed call and replied with a with a semi-cold (very different to his usual warmth "i cannot talk. NO ghosting. No ignoring you -- i am working, i am busy. .. i am in a warzone checking out sites.. i have terrible IT and will call you when i can". ( -- i know where he is and have seen video footage hes sent from there-(its a dangerous location but he goes back to hotel at night.. hes not in some bunker) -- AND..i see him liking some posts, including one non-business related post on linkedin --- one was an attractive female (who is in his field.. so maybe coincidence). And... He didn't call .. i didn't message him again. 2 days later.. So here i am .. with what has been this lovely man (aside from the lateness those times, he hasn't faltered in his impeccable manners and kindness. and another 2 days go by with no phone call. After conferencing with my girlfriends we all decide it needs to be over. If he isn't already ending it by his bizarre pulling away .. (it takes two seconds to send me a text, and i know he has wifi since he liked some posts on linkedin. Today i received a VERY sweet.. " i miss you so much.. " -- type text. I have not responded.. and dont plan to yet. Im hurt by this treatment while he was away on business..i feel like he has devalued me (hes jokingly accused me in the past of being 'too nice' and accomodating with people) -- perhaps im just taken for granted here. Please give your thoughts.
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 This is who he is. Work comes 1st. It always will. You aren't going to change him so the Q becomes can you live with this? 3
Weezy1973 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Exactly. This is who he is. Almost every attractive quality has an opposite less attractive side. Sounds like he’s driven, ambitious, successful, hard working, all of which are qualities I’m sure you find attractive. But that means his priority is his work. 3
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Dropping out of sight for several days and then responding as he did, followed by another period of absence, followed by the "I miss you" text sounds off. Is this the first time he's disappeared in this way? I get that work is a priority but what you are describing goes beyond that. 6
Gaeta Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 He probably enjoys the ladies while he's gone. Don't kid yourself, these men aren't the most faithfull. Yes they have great qualities like they're driven, they have ambition, they're risk takers etc, but that also comes with being arrogant, entitled & unfaithful. I've been there. 6
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 If his behavior doesn't work for you, then end it and keep looking. No need to make it any more complicated. What you shouldn't do is nag, complain, beg anymore. 3
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) The real reason why you are so infatuated with this guy is because he's hardly obtainable, and it's exasperated by the lack of texting. As they say we desired most what we can't have....that's why you are losing your mind over this, being hurt, going crazy. And the hard part is, that he throws a breadcrumb out, and you are just itchin to go after it. That is so mentally draining. Folding your arms and giving him the silent treatment isn't going to change a thing. It is what it is. Your friends are very concerned and know this isn't healthy. listen to them...end it. Edited April 22, 2021 by smackie9 2
Ami1uwant Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 The issues are part of his work. This happens if you are in high level business snd travel you can have cell phone dead zones or meeting take longer. think about late meetings this way...what if he was a surgeon and complications came up making the surgery take 1-2 hrs longer than planned? How do yo handle that? 1
Pumpernickel Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: He probably enjoys the ladies while he's gone. Don't kid yourself, these men aren't the most faithfull. Yes they have great qualities like they're driven, they have ambition, they're risk takers etc, but that also comes with being arrogant, entitled & unfaithful. I've been there. I totally agree with this. Been there - done that. Successful men who travel a lot for business take advantage of their freedom more often than not, and many girls are attracted to a middle-aged, adventurous, successful guy. And he’ll appreciate that. It’s easy to live a double-life in his situation, and you’ll have a hard time finding out for sure. And he knows that. The quick “I miss you so much” text is convenient, as his return date approaches. If he finds a way to “like” somebody’s LinkedIn post while he has “no service”, he can certainly find a way to shoot you a quick message, especially if you’re upset. I’d be suspicious. It doesn’t sound right. This is one of these typical scenarios where when you’re on the outside looking in its crystal clear, but when you’re in the middle of it yourself, you don’t see the forest for the trees. It’s a combination of wishful thinking, paired with hope, as well as the mostly good times while he’s here (if he’s not late for dates), and his reassuring words. Edited April 22, 2021 by Pumpernickel 5 1
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) I'm also curious whether dating and relationships were simpler before texting. In any case, he recognized the value of your time and agreed to be more considerate in the future. Texting and phone calls tends to be your primary mode of communication, based on your lifestyle. Perhaps you have "texting/phone incompatibility," or perhaps there is a lot of miscommunication and misperception as a consequence. Edited April 22, 2021 by Alpaca
ShyViolet Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 I would also be furious about him not answering your texts for days. That's unacceptable. It really makes me wonder if he's cheating during these trips. 3 1
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: ..what if he was a surgeon and complications came up making the surgery take 1-2 hrs longer than planned? Surgeons don't fall off the grid for 3 days and even whilst operating it is possible to get a message out via theatre staff. 2
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 How is he travelling this much during the time of covid where restrictions abound, borders are closed, and flights are reduced? 1
Pumpernickel Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Travelling for work is allowed. Also, if he’s American, many many people here are already vaccinated. That might make traveling easier. Edited April 22, 2021 by Pumpernickel 2
norealusername Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Nobody is that busy that they can't send a text for days. There's cell service or at least wifi everywhere. How can he do business without phone or internet. I think he's screwing around and you are low priority. 2
Wiseman2 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said: After conferencing with my girlfriends we all decide it needs to be over. Sorry to hear this. He seems like an out-of-sight-out-of-mind type of guy. He has good qualities, however you seem incompatible on many levels from communication to priorities. It's best to make your own decisions. Edited April 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 wow you guys never cease to offer sound input. Thank you all --- I am reading all responses thoroughly. 1
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: I totally agree with this. Been there - done that. Successful men who travel a lot for business take advantage of their freedom more often than not, and many girls are attracted to a middle-aged, adventurous, successful guy. And he’ll appreciate that. It’s easy to live a double-life in his situation, and you’ll have a hard time finding out for sure. And he knows that. The quick “I miss you so much” text is convenient, as his return date approaches. If he finds a way to “like” somebody’s LinkedIn post while he has “no service”, he can certainly find a way to shoot you a quick message, especially if you’re upset. I’d be suspicious. It doesn’t sound right. This is one of these typical scenarios where when you’re on the outside looking in its crystal clear, but when you’re in the middle of it yourself, you don’t see the forest for the trees. It’s a combination of wishful thinking, paired with hope, as well as the mostly good times while he’s here (if he’s not late for dates), and his reassuring words. My (non-emotional) thinking exactly. His return date is approaching in a week so tossing me an 'i miss you so much much.. etc' text is an easy breadcrumb. Not messaging me when he saw i was distressed with his absence is borderline cruel. Unless hes in a life or death (hes not) situation.. ignoring me for hours upon hours when he knows im worried is just not acceptable. I think i know in my heart that when someone shows me who they are i need to believe them. His lack of empathy is too much of a red flag. I'll see what he comes back with next week.. but my heart is on serious guard now. 1
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 5 hours ago, introverted1 said: Dropping out of sight for several days and then responding as he did, followed by another period of absence, followed by the "I miss you" text sounds off. Is this the first time he's disappeared in this way? I get that work is a priority but what you are describing goes beyond that. Not the first time -- he is always very quiet on text when hes away but never completely fell off grid.. would never initiate and was quiet/short but would always respond within 24 hours --- -This is first time off grid for 3 day (and perhaps it would have been longer if i hadn't called his phone). Something does feel off.. with still being able to like linkedin posts (albeit 99% business related) and doesnt want to think about me or hes doing something shady. Im going to stay vigilant -- my heart is on guard for now. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Dump him. When we're legitimately busy, we can still make connections with our partner with quick texts and calls. Sounds to me like someone who might be married or having affairs on the side. Absolutely dump him. 3
SaraSays Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Number 1 is a problem far beyond him. I occasionally excuse myself briefly in meetings, and explain I need to let people know I'll be late. I try to do it 10 or 15 min's before I'm due somewhere. I've never experienced someone else doing this. They simply turn up late for everything. Mostly, I keep track of time and stay focused on what's to be discussed, both when I'm the lead and an invited. It's painful and awkward. Sometimes, I have to write a dynamic countdown on a piece of paper, and put it discretely in the line of sight of whomever is supposed to conclude the discussion, and it works, but it's tedious. Once in a blue moon is how often I encounter someone prepared for a meeting, and caring about an agenda and timings. I stand near to the stage shrouded in darkness to the audience, but visible to the people on stage, and with a mic ready to gently move things on, when needs be, if there are recording, facility or presenter constraints to be factored in, else everyone pays no attention to timings. My colleagues turn up late or miss interviews. It's embarassing chasing them, and knowing how unacceptable either would be from a candidate. I default to 15 min work meetings, as I think anything more is largely excessive, and this is also considered controversial, as colleagues worry it may cause offense. It's unpleasant. My colleagues have sometimes been so insecure and afraid of causing offense, that I have been asked to come and end their meetings. Sometimes I know colleagues are late for family commitments, and are staying in meetings unnecessarily discussing favourite holiday destinations and such incidental things. They've gone really late home commonly on birthdays, when there are meetings with the school, etc. I think this behaviour is so pervasive, and people are so insecure and afraid of causing offense, that it's only going to get worse. We can influence it economically by spending money on companies that encourage staff to enjoy their lives away from work, and completely disconnected from work outside of a reasonable amount of working hours. 1
Gaeta Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 30 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said: Im going to stay vigilant -- my heart is on guard for now. Why would you remain in a relationship with a man you need to guard your heart still after a full year dating? 2
Pumpernickel Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 56 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said: Something does feel off.. with still being able to like linkedin posts (albeit 99% business related) What are the other 1% of LinkedIn likes about? Not business related? Doesn’t matter. That’s not the point. The point is that he has Internet connection and everything’s working just fine and he’s playing around on LinkedIn but not replying to your messages. That’s what it’s about. 3
Stupidkupid Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Now is probably not the best time to point out that when I was the OW the MM was this man. Always "travelling for work" when in reality we both travelled for work abd so he engineered work travel in order to see me. Although even he contacted his wife daily when away. I would not trust this behaviour at all. And if anyone is an hour late to meet me without finding a way to let me know then we're done (barring a very serious incident that explains it) 1 1
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