Wife left me after an 'emotional affair' and continued to see him, and now wants to come back 'home' and try fix things with me

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Feel this is all because I brought up money, and living arrangements etc that maybe she's gone oh s***, made a mistake and realised she can't afford to live on her own. 

Many people will second guess when the rubber hits the road...

I say, stay strong. I don’t see any kind of remorse or commitment to reconciliation from what you describe. Take the time you need, care for your children... she’s doing her own thing now, she will deal with the consequences of her behavior. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but unfortunately that’s what happens when you make poor decisions such as this. 

[Woggle]

Under no circumstances should you ever take her back. She made her choice and now she has to live with it. That is not your problem and you should only do what you are legally required to do.

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

. Then today I got this message.... "If I wanted to come home and work things out with you, would that be possible?" All of a sudden I'm back to where I was two weeks ago a wreck and missing her but at the same time know that I can't trust her. I just don't know if I should try and work things out, or do I accept that I tried so hard to fix things and begged her not to leave and just try move on??

There's no "right answer" and, just as with you, she may be having trouble getting clear on "what she really wants". But at the risk of echoing what others have stated it's pretty clear this is not a (re-)commitment. When you look even a little under the surface it does sound very much like stringing you along to be "plan B" in case the affair partner doesn't work out. To my mind, if I were in your situation, I would view that as "her problem" not mine.

If it were me, I'd like to think I'd ONLY be considering taking her back if she's in 100% recommitting mode (and taking everything with a BIG grain of salt even then). But the above sounds very much like she's 3/4 of the way out the door and just insecure in her situation and wanting a fallback/plan B.

Edited April 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[Br3nd4n]

Thanks all, have really appreciated the advice. 

I think I'm just struggling with doing what I know is the right thing to do, but I guess after 12 years together it's hard to admit it's over. At this stage I'm hoping to keep things civil and friendly with her (resist using lawyers and courts if possible). 

Will probably keep posting here to update as it goes. Watched a great comedy special last night too on netflix about relationships and it all makes a lot of sense (Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw for those interested). 

 

[Marc878]

Read up on the 180 no contact 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

At this stage I'm hoping to keep things civil and friendly with her (resist using lawyers and courts if possible). 

Unfortunately you can't get a divorce without going through the courts.  While you can represent yourself it's a bad idea.  

[elaine567]

On 4/20/2021 at 3:18 PM, Marc878 said:

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavio

Yes blame shifting can happen but the OP himself said they were in a rut, he was working all the time and communication and intimacy was about nil...
The grass is greenest where you water it, the OP did no watering, so his wife went searching for greener grass.
A woman with kids who works and who has a relationship with her husband that is described as ship's passing in the night is very likely to find someone at work to provide some emotional support.
Women usually need emotional support and  connection, so with none coming from her husband, she is going to be very open to getting close to any guy who shows some interest at work.
I think some guys thrive on the ships in the night relationship as they can concentrate on their work and all the stuff at home is covered by the wife, but the wife doesn't thrive she is starving for adult attention. 
Given the opportunity she grabs it.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes blame shifting can happen but the OP himself said they were in a rut, he was working all the time and communication and intimacy was about nil...
The grass is greenest where you water it, the OP did no watering, so his wife went searching for greener grass.
A woman with kids who works and who has a relationship with her husband that is described as ship's passing in the night is very likely to find someone at work to provide some emotional support.
Women usually need emotional support and  connection, so with none coming from her husband, she is going to be very open to getting close to any guy who shows some interest at work.
I think some guys thrive on the ships in the night relationship as they can concentrate on their work and all the stuff at home is covered by the wife, but the wife doesn't thrive she is starving for adult attention. 
Given the opportunity she grabs it.

Affairs Trump everything. Most betrayed will readily accept blame hoping if they caused it they can fix it. I’m sure she wasn’t perfect either but that didn’t cause him to stray like she has. 
 

From what I’ve seen most waywards look for an excuse to cheat and they always find one. Very common wayward thinking.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Marc878

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

From what I’ve seen most waywards look for an excuse to cheat and they always find one. Very common wayward thinking.

Yes, but here she had a pretty valid excuse.

In a perfect world, no-one would cheat, but people are human. 
Absent roommate husband who was working all the time, friendly, interesting guy at work who no doubt listened to  all her tales of woe, who is she going to turn to?

[Marc878]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, but here she had a pretty valid excuse.

In a perfect world, no-one would cheat, but people are human. 
Absent roommate husband who was working all the time, friendly, interesting guy at work who no doubt listened to  all her tales of woe, who is she going to turn to?

He made her cheat is just common wayward mentality. My wayward sister used the excuse her MIL made her mad so she cheated on her husband. I guess that makes sense to a cheater but.....

It was her marriage too but instead of working on it she turned her back. OP should let her go. Infidelity is a lifelong gift that is better off not living with. Find someone more compatible.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Marc878

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

He made her cheat is just common wayward mentality. My wayward sister used the excuse her MIL made her mad so she cheated on her husband. I guess that makes sense to a cheater but.....

He didn't "make" her cheat, but the circumstances described here made cheating pretty likely.

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen most waywards are fine with infidelity because that’s the life they chose and they aren’t on the receiving end. 
 

Infidelity is the most damaging act you can do to a marriage and after being around 4 of these scenarios the best option invested seen is to divorce quickly and let everyone go their own way. 
 

Unless you like living the life of a doormat.

[Marc878]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He didn't "make" her cheat, but the circumstances described here made cheating pretty likely.

If you have the wayward mentality it is.

It was her married too but she chose to destroy it rather than work on it. Let her go.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Marc878

[vla1120]

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Most likely, you still do not know the whole truth. She's going to trickle-truth you to the ends of the earth and you may never know the full truth. I also wonder, as she got more physically involved with the AP and resorted to leaving you,  he may have drawn a line in the sand and let her know he's only in it for a good time. She panicked because she's about to destroy her marriage and family for him to have a little on the side. (Is he married, too?) In addition, like someone else said, the reality of separating finances, living arrangements, etc., suddenly became too real for her and she's having second thoughts.

I think you need to do the 180 NC and only communicate with her regarding your children. Consult with a lawyer, absolutely stay in the home, and start separating your finances. I'm sorry you're in pain. I am a firm believer of "once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't care how busy a couple is, how much they're living like ships passing in the night, etc., it's never okay to resort to cheating instead of working on the marriage. Believe her actions, not her words.

[Marc878]

This happens all the time. Her AP dumped her after he go the sex he wanted.

Now she’s looking for a soft spot to land.  You are just plan B and temporary.

Tell her you are no ones plan B and you don’t do another mans sloppy seconds.

[SumGuy]

My advice is to at least know your options.

People talk abut "consequences."  The only one I can see is divorce, so talk to a divorce lawyer pronto.  Where I live her leaving the marital home is a big negative, well at least if a man did it.

Frankly, the only reason I would consider working it out with her is for the kids.  This has got to be devastating for them.  If I responded, it would be I'd open to working it out for the sake of the children but only if her seeing this other guy stops, how can you work on it with this guy between you.

Even then, make sure you have talked to your divorce attorney and go forward with a plan to protect yourself and the kids.

[kendahke]

  

On 4/19/2021 at 10:30 PM, Br3nd4n said:

She still promised me that they hadn't had sex

They had sex. Notice how she keeps upping the ante on this lie? First "we didn't do anything". Then it was "well, we might have cuddled once". Then when it looked like she was closer to getting her way, it was "ok, it was a couple of times, but we didn't kiss". Next it's going to be "ok, we kissed... like french kissed and all that..."  Then once she's back over the threshold, it'll be "we had mind blowing sex".  Death by a thousand cuts.

Quote

Then today I got this message.... "If I wanted to come home and work things out with you, would that be possible?"

That's only because she doesn't make enough money to afford her own place to live so she can keep this affair going. She doesn't want to be with you as much as she needs someplace to crash and put her stuff. Dude probably told her she can't live with him and bring her kids there; mom is telling her "you're a married woman, you have a husband. You can't live with me indefinitely".

I wouldn't let her. And I'd go for full custody of the children and not let her drag them from one bed to another she's sleeping in. She can work 3 jobs and afford her own sex shack. Since she was so unhappy and miserable with you, how has any of that changed? She's still unhappy and miserable and nothing about you has caused her to flip that mindset.

Quote

here we have to be separated for at least a year before we can file for divorce. 

Start the countdown clock tomorrow.

Edited May 9, 2021 by kendahke

[Br3nd4n]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

  

They had sex. Notice how she keeps upping the ante on this lie? First "we didn't do anything". Then it was "well, we might have cuddled once". Then when it looked like she was closer to getting her way, it was "ok, it was a couple of times, but we didn't kiss". Next it's going to be "ok, we kissed... like french kissed and all that..."  Then once she's back over the threshold, it'll be "we had mind blowing sex".  Death by a thousand cuts.

 

Well she makes a point of ensuring I know that have "great" sex, but not until after she asked for the separation (like the day after). And you're right the next thing was that they had been kissing etc, which is why she decided to separate properly as (completely her words here) "Didn't want to be called a cheater if she slept with him"

 

[d0nnivain]

You can't unring that bell in your own head.  Let her go. You will be better off.  

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Well she makes a point of ensuring I know that have "great" sex, but not until after she asked for the separation (like the day after). And you're right the next thing was that they had been kissing etc, which is why she decided to separate properly as (completely her words here) "Didn't want to be called a cheater if she slept with him"

 

All cheaters lie a lot. If you learn nothing else learn that. A lot of BS’s come here wanting to believe it was just an EA because they are in denial. 
 

They don’t move out for an an EA. Plus wasn’t she still officially married to you ?
 

It sounds like you’re hung up on semantics wanting to make excuses for her. She’s shown you who she is. You’d be wise to believe her.

You are a chump only if you allow it.

Next she’ll show up offering you sex, etc in an effort to love bomb you into letting her come back. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Well she makes a point of ensuring I know that have "great" sex, but not until after she asked for the separation (like the day after). And you're right the next thing was that they had been kissing etc, which is why she decided to separate properly as (completely her words here) "Didn't want to be called a cheater if she slept with him"

 

Cheater script. Admitted kissing = they had sex.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Marc878 said:

A) She ended the marriage with her affair. At this point he’s just giving her the freedom she wanted when she threw the marriage away. 
B) The only reason she wants back in is her new love dumped her or it didn’t work out like she thought. She could have chosen a different route but chose the nuclear option.

Hmm:

A) THAT is a "philosophical viewpoint". He is the one who would actually be ending the marriage (if he divorces). I am stating facts. A marriage (or really any relationship) boils down to a decision to continue it. Cheating doesn't end a marriage, a decision/action to end it (by either party) does. Even then it has to clear legal hurdles to actually end.

To be clear I'm not blaming him or trying to claim that I'd be taking her back in his shoes or anything like that.

B) I think that is extremely plausible and agree that from everything OP wrote she seems to have attempted to monkeybranch and has now "come crawling back" as they say.

[DKT3]

Love and commitment isn't unconditional,  people can and do participate in activities that make divorce almost a must do.

Ultimately,  who actually fills out the papers are irrelevant because they both know who's actions caused it.

There seems to be a strong sense of not being the bad one here....I know I did this but I'm here now, just accept it and move forward or you're going to ruin the marriage

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.   But she has betrayed your trust, and she has broken a bond that can never really be rebuilt.  Because of this... you need to go file for divorce.  If you don't, you will be miserable forever, and always be worried that she is off with someone else.  The divorce isn't easy... but it's like a Band-Aid... it only stings for a moment if you do it quick.  OR... it will continue to hurt as you pull slow. 

I was in a 20 year relationship, and my exW went kind of nuts. She started blaming me for 20 years worth of problems, and the majority were trivial.  Sure, I can see from her side that over the years, they would eat at you... but all she had to do is open her mouth, and talk to me.  BUT... she never did, until she was past the "Done" point.   While I didn't think she was having an affair at first... it did turn out that she had "A friend" almost as soon as she moved out.  This friend turned out to be her HS BF.  So, I'm sure she was in an emotional affair WAY before she wanted to be divorced.   

I too was a wreck, and came here for help.  I was crying day after day... and even in airports when traveling for work. But, as my exW got cruller, and meaner... it became easier to just not care about her.  But, I can say... the day she handed me the house key was the day I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.  AND... when the final/official divorce papers came... a female friend and I went for Mex food, and a few Margaritas.   I have been great ever since that day.

Anyway... you need to just get your head on straight... talk with a lawyer... and get things moving.   You don't seem like the kind of person who can be in an "Open Relationship" and no one can live with someone they can't trust. 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[notbroken]

I don't think you'd ever trust her or your relationship again.  As painful as it is, you are likely finished as a couple.  As hard as that is to accept, file for divorce ASAP.  The sooner the better.  Tell her you can't get over her cheating (don't debate it - she did) and you are finished and want to divorce as best as possible for the kids.  Best wishes.