Wife left me after an 'emotional affair' and continued to see him, and now wants to come back 'home' and try fix things with me

[Br3nd4n]

This is all very fresh, and I never thought I'd be in this situation. My wife and I met when we were 20 and got engaged very quickly (6months) and married a couple of years later. So been together 12 year and married 9.5. We have two young kids together and have been each others best friend forever 

Recently I found out/she admitted she had developed feelings for a guy at work that she had started texting with constantly and arrange to meet up, go on hikes etc. When she admitted this I was hurt but she promised me she'd stop all contact with him outside of work, delete his phone number and will look for another job (wasn't in a position for her to just quit her job financially). She also blamed it partly on having problems in our marriage like lack of communication and intimacy. We started counselling and communicating more and IMO things were very slowly improving. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks after a couple of counselling sessions and out of the blue she tells me she wants "space" to think about what she wants and is going to her mum's. Apparently although she initially stopped contact with this guy it had started back up again and gotten more intense. All the while lying to me about it when I told her I trusted her. A few days later she messaged me and said she wanted to come home, but wanted to talk to me as I might not want her back after what she says.... So I meet with her and she explained that the messaging had turned into sexting with him and she had told him things about how "he makes her horny etc" (not something a husband wants to hear especially as she's never been that interested in sex with me). She still swore nothing physical had happened apart from a hug when she "tried" the break it off the 2nd time, which obviously didn't stick. Then she told me actually it wasn't just a hug it was "cuddling" and kissing each others cheeks and necks (weird), and holding hands etc, but that it was just the one time and it field weird for her and she wanted to come back home. My response was I needed time so just let me think about things. I also kept pushing her for more info and asking is there anything more you need to tell me as I need to full truth, and she swore that's it. 

So I spent a few days on my own and speaking with my therapist etc, and realised I loved her and missed her and was still willing to make things work if possible. So I asked her to come her, not necessarily to live but just come have a meal and we can talk or just have a "date". She decided we should talk, so we did. The one main thing I said to her was that if we did manage to work through it and I found out she had been lying to me or witholding any more details of it then that would be it we'd be done. THEN she informs me that what she said about the "cuddling" being just once wasn't true and had been a couple of times. So I told her to leave, as I needed to sort things out. She still promised me that they hadn't had sex or even kissed properly (my belief in this was drastically diminishing). 

We then had another counselling session a couple of days later where, I explained what I was feeling etc. And I asked her point blank do you want him or me? Turns out in her head, it's not about him but about the fact that she wants to find her happiness and passion, as she realised she's been unhappy in our marriage for a while. She brought up properly separating so that (and I quote) "If I sleep with him or any other people I wont be called a cheater"..... I said if that's what she wants then the marriage is over, I said i wont stop her from being happy but I also couldn't get past her being with someone else, no matter how much it hurt me. At the end of the session we decided that we'd hold off on the "separation" for now and continue to give each other space so we can think about what we want. I found out that less than 24 hours later she was with this other guy and did take it further..... Still says no sex but making out with him etc. So when I called her up on it she came over and told me she wants to separate, and that she was planning on seeing this guy and sleeping with him if it leads there. I was absolutely devastated (still am) and spent a week solid crying or angry. 

Since we have kids together we've still been in contact and seen each other a few times over the past couple of weeks, where she has admitted to "taking things further and physical" with this guy, but swears never why we were under the same roof. I've now started trying to be blunt about things with her and told her I need us to split our finances up asap and that I will be living in the house as my work is here and she can't afford the rent on her own (I can). She been getting shitty about it with me because she "needs time to figure things out" and is upset because she doesn't have anywhere to live now except her mum's. I've said to her that I don't understand how you throw away a 12 year relationship and a family without taking all this stuff into consideration.... 

Anyway so it's only been a couple of weeks so still very fresh and hurting, and basically the only way I've managed to stay strong for my kids etc is to hate her, and I b**** about what she's done to my parents and brother and they help make me feel better. I keep telling myself and them that there is no way in hell that I could take her back after all this despite how much I love and miss her (these feelings hit everytime I see her during children exchange). Then today I got this message.... "If I wanted to come home and work things out with you, would that be possible?" All of a sudden I'm back to where I was two weeks ago a wreck and missing her but at the same time know that I can't trust her. I just don't know if I should try and work things out, or do I accept that I tried so hard to fix things and begged her not to leave and just try move on?? 

Ps sorry for the long story, it's all very new and everything is floating around my head constantly so had to get it all down. 

[Caauug]

1 hour ago, Br3nd4n said:

So when I called her up on it she came over and told me she wants to separate, and that she was planning on seeing this guy and sleeping with him if it leads there.

Welcome to some of the finer points of female human nature. She wants to separate from you to try the new guy out. If her monkey branching doesn't work she wants to come back to you. She will not want to be on her own for long. She was "tired of you", (you had likely given her or given access to every part of your life) and she had nothing else to work for, hence the passion needed... Always looking for the bigger better deal. It's called hypergamy, trade up for someone better.

Space or space to think or find myself = Space from you because I think I have found someone else. Space never brings two people closer together....

If she wanted you she would never of left you, get that into your head!!!! Talk is cheap, actions tell you what she really thinks of you and what she wants. She wants Mr. Co-worker, and you are just the back up plan until she can do this all again. Mr. Co-worker likely only wants to get lucky, he likely doesn't want your family, he likely doesn't even want her full time..... "Why buy a cow when you can use someone else's???"

If you did take her back? She will never tell you everything. There will be for ever trickle truths of her version of the truth. You will catch her in strings of lies as she tries to "Protect you from the truth" it's more to protect her from your wrath.  What it really does is prevents you from healing, just keeps ripping the infidelity wounds open....

How does it feel to be second best with your own wife? She wanted separation to go try out Mr. Co-Worker so she could not be called a cheater...... I guess being still married to you doesn't count??? She had her wedding and her children, now why hang around with you?? What benefits can she still receive from you?? Look up Briffault's Law and try to understand what it says.

Again: Actions speak louder than words!!!! Only believe what you see. Your gut reaction will be closer to the truth than what she tells you. Talk is cheap and she will try her best to convince you, for her best out come, in this bad situation. She does not care for you any more, her actions prove that.

Time to look after the most important person in your life: YOU!!!! Eat healthy and exercise. This is most important!!! 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Have the two of you quit marriage counseling?

IMO your wife needs to face some consequences for what she has done. I don't know what they may be. But, I wouldn't take her back until  you've seen some kind of changes in her. She's lied to you quite a bit about this. I doubt she's had time to do any work on herself that would lead to being honest.

Your wife is pretty mixed up and immature. I don't believe she's shown she's ready for any type of relationship at all.

[Br3nd4n]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Have the two of you quit marriage counseling?

We have an appointment that was already booked for next week. In my mind I didn't think there was much point for it, but after talking to some others they suggested it might be a good idea to go anyway even just to discuss how to handle the separation and still co-parent.

 

I feel like, I started healing a little bit (at least the constant questioning of what did I do stopped) and then she pulls this. I sometimes feel like she's trying to hurt me and reopen the wound

 

[S2B]

Divorce her! She has been playing you and betraying you!

she doesn’t respect you. And she certainly isn’t honoring you. So she broke her marital vows and just wants you to be “understanding”.

that’s a crappy wife! She is full of crap. Don’t believe a word she says.

just divorce her - that way you can find a grown up woman who knows how to treat you right!

do NOT go back to her! Her type will never stay faithful! 
 

don’t waste your money on counseling - use it for an attorney.

ps...you can’t fix an unhappy marriage by paying attention to someone else outside the marriage! IF she had focused ALL that energy on YOU - she could have fixed the marriage and her broken self. 
 

but really she will always be a gal looking for attention from lots of men - and that isn’t a good wife.

do NOT let her blame you for what SHE created.

Edited April 20, 2021 by S2B

[Br3nd4n]

Her message isn't even saying that she definitely wants to come back, but just if she did is it possible to work on things... 

Maybe I know what I need to do and just having a hard time doing it, I still love her so much despite it all. 

 

 

[Br3nd4n]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

Divorce her! She has been playing you and betraying you!

she doesn’t respect you. And she certainly isn’t honoring you. So she broke her marital vows and just wants you to be “understanding”.

that’s a crappy wife! She is full of crap. Don’t believe a word she says.

just divorce her - that way you can find a grown up woman who knows how to treat you right!

do NOT go back to her! Her type will never stay faithful! 

Unfortunately, here we have to be separated for at least a year before we can file for divorce. 

[S2B]

She treated you like crap! IF you take her back - I guarantee you are in for a future of non stop cheating.

do not let her come back!

[S2B]

1 minute ago, Br3nd4n said:

Unfortunately, here we have to be separated for at least a year before we can file for divorce. 

Ok - so file and get the clock started!

make her live on her own. She seems like a gal that can’t live two minutes without having a man to grab onto.

it doesn’t matter if you love her - she has ruined everything by needing her ego stroked!

[Caauug]

10 minutes ago, Br3nd4n said:

I still love her so much despite it all.

That's the hard part. But it doesn't really matter what your feeling are.... Her feelings for you are what matter, and by her actions she has no positive feelings left for you. If you were to take her back she would only use you as a crutch until she found someone new. 

Her actions tell all. Words are cheap and lies are plentiful. 

She has shown you she does not love you, and no longer cares for you. She is not the same person you fell in love with and married.

[Mrin]

Oh dude I'm sorry. My heart goes out to you man. You've been through quite the roller coaster.

Yeah I noticed that too - she wasn't asking to come back. She was asking if she could come back if she decided to. That's just... gross. Here's a suggestion for you to try on for an answer, "I don't know. Not right now for sure. Ask me again in a month"

You need some time by yourself to get your head straight. And this is like hitting the snooze button to buy you that time. She definitely needs to straighten out her head as she's acting on pure emotion right now. 

I agree with you I think that if you continue the joint counseling sessions you turn it exclusively to how to best parent when you're separated. She really needs to do individual counseling.

Best of luck to you man!

Mrin

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I believe you need to love yourself more than you love her. Don’t let her back. Agree with the previous comments.

I was in your shoes, though my husband was the one who cheated. When I learned about the lies, and the trickle truth started, I was done. While it wasn’t easy, it’s much easier than the emotional turmoil you’d keep experiencing if you let her back now as she clearly isn’t focusing on you and the marriage.

It will get better and you will survive and thrive. Good luck and sorry you are experiencing this.

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, Br3nd4n said:

We have an appointment that was already booked for next week. In my mind I didn't think there was much point for it, but after talking to some others they suggested it might be a good idea to go anyway even just to discuss how to handle the separation and still co-parent.

 

I feel like, I started healing a little bit (at least the constant questioning of what did I do stopped) and then she pulls this. I sometimes feel like she's trying to hurt me and reopen the wound

 

I don't think she's actively trying to hurt you. She just chooses to walk all over you because she wants to. Will you let her?

[Br3nd4n]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

Yeah I noticed that too - she wasn't asking to come back. She was asking if she could come back if she decided to. That's just... gross. Here's a suggestion for you to try on for an answer, "I don't know. Not right now for sure. Ask me again in a month"

This sounds like a good response. Feel this is all because I brought up money, and living arrangements etc that maybe she's gone oh s***, made a mistake and realised she can't afford to live on her own. 

Just honestly don't get how someone could do all this, and also how I could still love them.... 

 

[Caauug]

4 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Then today I got this message.... "If I wanted to come home and work things out with you, would that be possible?"

She could of said this to test you. If you answered:

"Yes, come home lets work this out" means she can do anything to disrespect you and you will take her back, she would consider you very weak and unattractive. But would likely come back to use you, rather than being alone. Don't expect much sex, you likely wouldn't stack up beside her lover anyway.

"No. I'm not interested in getting back together" would send her a message you have strength and you are trying to heal after her bad behavior. You want someone that respects you as a man, someone that has boundaries morals and values.

Try to limit contact with her, I know the kids make it impossible to go totally NC. Any conversations try to keep it in your frame, or keep her talking, she doesn't need to know about your emotions, (she has shown you she doesn't care anyway). She doesn't need to know anything about what you are going through. If she asks a question keep it short and very non descriptive. Do not commit or promise anything. Everything about you is not her business any more.

Seek local legal advice. Go see the best or most hated family lawyer in your area. If there are two good ones, see them both. This is important. A few hundred dollars now can save you tens of thousands later. She doesn't need to know you are getting educated about where you stand in the future. If she asks for a reference for a lawyer, advise the worst one.

Protect your assets if possible. Sell to family members or non common trusted friends, at fire sale prices, show money transfers into your account (use your own cash if possible). Be careful to keep it as legal as you can. Write out a bill of sale or change ownership if the asset is registered.

Recap:

Even if you want to answer "Yes, I want you back" you can never say it. You will appear weak, needy and unattractive. It has to be a strong "No" ... at first. Keep communication in your frame, where you ask the questions or set the topics and she does the talking. She doesn't need or want to know what you are thinking, feeling or doing in your life. Get legal advice from the best family lawyers in your area. Protect yourself and your assets if possible, sell so they can be recovered later. Tell her nothing, treat her like a traitor that she is. She likely will become your enemy when it comes to asset division. 

Look after yourself, get fit, eat healthy. Get educated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. What does she mean by "lack of communication and intimacy"?

She wants a formal separation, so it would be best to consult an attorney and protect yourself.

Affair or not, your marriage is over and has been for a long time.

Right now, don't focus on marriage therapy or getting her back.

Focus on your legal separation and how to work out division of assets and child support, visitation, etc.

[Br3nd4n]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What does she mean by "lack of communication and intimacy"?

We were in a rut. We’ve always put I down to having young kids though. Sex was very rare, and we didn’t get chance to talk much either.

I work A LOT and she tends to go to sleep early so just ships passing in the night usually. It was like having a roommate rather than a marriage. 

I admit we were having problems but I didn’t run off to someone else, I stayed and tried to fix it.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Br3nd4n said:

I admit we were having problems but I didn’t run off to someone else, I stayed and tried to fix it.

Sorry this doesn't seem fixable. Her affair is rubbish of course.

 

[d0nnivain]

What do you want to do? 

I see a path to reconciliation maybe .  She said she didn't want to be a cheater.  So maybe her EA did not turn into a PA & she needed some time away from you to clear her head.  Her hesitant request about the possibility for her to come back without her coming out & asking to come back was probably a face saving thing.  She wasn't ready to risk asking & having you reject her.   If you want her back, clarify this in your therapy session as in you can come back now but this is a limited time offer.  You can't come back next week or next month.  There is no revolving door on our marriage; this is the one bite at the apple. 

The issue is do you believe her about not having sex with this other guy.  You will need some level of trust around whatever she tells you on this score.  I suspect she will say she didn't.  That said, even from the tone of your posts, I can tell that if she told you she did sleep with him you would not be able to get passed that & you would end the marriage.  Knowing that I can't say that I would believe her if she said no.  She has too much to lose by telling that particular truth.  But you know her.  I don't.  

If you really can't get past her need to sow wild oats & her GIGs just be done.  Do not put your kids through an on again off again thing.  Find a way to co-parents & move forward.  

[Br3nd4n]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

I see a path to reconciliation maybe .  She said she didn't want to be a cheater.  So maybe her EA did not turn into a PA & she needed some time away from you to clear her head. 

She’s already admitted that it became physical after she left me..

[d0nnivain]

Sorry I missed that detail.  What, if anything, does that change for you?  Can you get past that if she really put her whole heart & soul into a reconciliation?  I'm not sure I could.  On some level it feels like you are the fall back position but there are instances where people get divorced then get back together.  No one answer is right for every couple.  There are no universal answers.  

So we're back to what do you want to do?   

[Br3nd4n]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sorry I missed that detail.  What, if anything, does that change for you?  Can you get past that if she really put her whole heart & soul into a reconciliation?.  

So we're back to what do you want to do?   

I don’t think I can tbh. I’m a pretty jealous guy normally. I also think it’s way to fresh to really know.

i mean what I want is for this to never have happened. I don’t know what I want going forward just not this pain. 

[d0nnivain]

Fair enough.  At this point her selfishness caused this mess & all the pain.  You get to take some time to figure out what you truly want.  

[Marc878]

8 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

Her message isn't even saying that she definitely wants to come back, but just if she did is it possible to work on things... 

Maybe I know what I need to do and just having a hard time doing it, I still love her so much despite it all. 

 

 

Sorry man but most come here declaring it’d an EA. Most betrayed spouses want to live in denial because the truth is hard to accept. They don’t just pack up and leave for an EA. It’s a physical/sexual affair. 
 

She wanted space to focus solely on her new boyfriend with you out of the way.

All cheaters lie hide and deny.

She is throwing you a breadcrumb to keep you on the hook in case her new lover doesn’t work out. You are plan B backup.

Don’t make the mistake of helping hide their affair. Full exposure works best. Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark.

If you cry, beg and plead you will make yourself look weak and unattractive will making her other man look strong and virile. 
 

Wake up to reality or you will keep yourself in limbo a lot longer that necessary.

I get you’re In shock but your actions will only help you now. Words/talk won’t get you a thing. 
 

 

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, Br3nd4n said:

We were in a rut. We’ve always put I down to having young kids though. Sex was very rare, and we didn’t get chance to talk much either.

I work A LOT and she tends to go to sleep early so just ships passing in the night usually. It was like having a roommate rather than a marriage. 

I admit we were having problems but I didn’t run off to someone else, I stayed and tried to fix it.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.