My Friendship Dilemma!

[Jeff01]

Hi all. I am new here, because I am trying to get some advice, that I can’t really find the answer to anywhere else. Okay, here is my dilemma. I am a 50 year old divorced guy. My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 5 children, and I have known her since High School, and we are really good friends.

We talk with each other every single day, for hours at a time, and we like all the same things, and have so much in common. We talk about everything from sports, politics, weather, gardening, TV shows, movies, etc.

Now here’s the problem, I Love Her. Yes, I love her as a friend, but I love her, love her as well. I mean I certainly don’t want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, or anything, I’m just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don’t know if that might even ruin things between us!?

It’s just we both have so many things in common, and love so much of the same things, that deep down in my heart, I truly believe that she is my soulmate in this life, but unfortunately, our paths went different directions somewhere in life.

And being 50 years old already, I’m getting up there in life, plus say something were to happen to me tomorrow, like I get hit by a car crossing the street, and I don’t make it. She will have never known my true feelings for her, that I really love her with all my heart.

I’m so confused over what to do!? Please help, and offer me advice!! 

Edited April 8, 2021 by Jeff01

[d0nnivain]

What you do is back off unless you really want to be a homewrecker.  She's married! You have to stop talking to her on a daily basis for hours at a time.  She's having what is known as an Emotional Affair with you.  Whatever you do, absolutely DO NOT confess your "feelings" to her.  She is not free to receive them or reciprocate. 

Cut contact with her.  At most you can talk to her maybe once per month in the presence of her husband.  

Go find a life & outlets with other single people who are free to engage with you.  For everyone's sake leave her alone.  

[Jeff01]

I guess this whole thing is because I am all alone, and lonely, and have no companionship in my life? And if I tell that I love her as something more than a friend, then she will most likely reject that, and shy away, and then I risk losing her as a friend of many years, all the way back from high school.

So I take all the risk here with probably no gain, but everything to lose including her as a friend. But still this is really hard for me to not tell her my true feelings for her  

She tells me everyday how “awesome I am”, and how “very special I am to her”. I hear this almost daily, and so it confuses me even more And she has never said anything at all about any problems with her husband, or leaving him, but that all changed a few nights ago!! 

A few nights ago, she starts texting me at 2 am in the morning because she is really depressed. I ask her what the heck is going on, so she tells me she had to spend all day cleaning their house, to get it ready for Easter, so that the house would be spotless clean for his parents coming over, and all this stuff about how miserable she is in her marriage!! She tells me that her and her husband fight all the time. She tells me that he is very mean to her, calling her names all the time like “ugly b*tch”, and a “worthless whore”.

She tells me they haven’t had sex in over 2 years, and how they sleep in separate bedrooms with him sleeping upstairs, and her sleeping downstairs. She says that they only pretend to be “happy” in front of their family and friends, but it’s all a charade. So I ask her what this is all about, and she says its because when he comes home from work, he has angry outbursts if their huge 6 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 5,000 square foot mansion and yard isn’t spotless clean when he comes home from work.

If he comes home from work, and the bathroom is dirty, or the kitchen floor isn’t spotless, he gets angry and calls her names.

She actually showed me pictures of Black and Blue bruises all over her legs!! I ask her what that is ( thinking that he is hitting her? ), but she tells me its from her being her on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors every damn day, because if he comes home from work,and sees 1 spot of dirt on the floor, his angry, ugly outbursts start.

She says her knees hurt her so much from cleaning the kitchen floor 7 DAYS A WEEK, that she thinks she now needs knee surgery to relieve all the swelling in her knees!!

So I ask her what she is going to do? She tells me that her whole life is her 5 children, and she needs to be there for them and with them.

We texted back and forth until 6 am in the morning!! I told her about how much I care for her, but no I didn’t tell her I love her, but very much wanted to!!

So now what do I do!? I’m an emotional wreck here!!!! HELP!!!!!

[Jeff01]

We talk about everything, but the relationship with him only came up the other night because he made her stay up until 2 am in the morning cleaning the entire house all by herself with no help. She wanted to go to bed, but then he made her go outside in the dark at 3 am in the morning by herself, to hide Easter Eggs in the dark yard!

All I know is that I am an emotional train wreck right now, and can't even think straight, because while I have known her since high school, but I have secretly been in love with her for the last 3 years. I love her with all my heart, and I have to listen to her tell me all that stuff the other night :(

[d0nnivain]

Again she's using you as a crutch and you are letting her because you are lonely.  Her husband will be heartbroken when he learns all the inappropriate stuff she's saying to you. 

You can't do this.  Do you really want to be a homewrecker?  Are you really that guy who doesn't respect somebody else's marital vows?  

You need to disconnect from her.  Find a life for yourself.  Join something. Volunteer somewhere.  Take up a side hustle to keep busy & make new friends but STOP this.  

It's not about the "risk" of rejection.  It's about the role you are playing in the downfall of somebody else's marriage.   Think about her husband & her kids.  Are you sure you want to be the one who drives that stake into their hearts?   Are you really that selfish?  Even if he is an ogre, that doesn't justify her cheating on him with you.  

If her life sucks that much, she is an adult.  She has to make the choice to divorce.  You can't be her soft landing.  It won't work.  She has to stand on her own two feet before she can enter into a relationship with you.  Maybe if you tell her you can't handle this any more & she should contact you once she's free, she'll take action to save herself but stop thinking you are going to be her white knight.  

[Jeff01]

Saturday night was the very first time ever, that she told me about how her husband treats her. She was really upset because he made her clean all day and night, so that the house would be spotless for his parents coming over on Sunday. She both cleaned, and took care of the kids, while he slept all day.

That was the first time ever that she told me about the problems with him. Every other time we talk, it’s just about random things. Politics, sports, the weather, movies and TV shows, space exploration, states we have visited or would like to visit, family heritage, etc. Heck, last night we talked about flowers and vegetable gardens!!

So just to be clear, it isn’t like she is running right over to me every single day, complaining about her marriage. 

[Jeff01]

Re: "You need to disconnect with her" 

But how am I suppose to do that? I love her. I love her with all my heart, and have for years now. I truly believe that deep down in my heart, that she is my soulmate, but somewhere in life, our paths went on a different direction

Edited April 8, 2021 by Jeff01
Typo

[d0nnivain]

I know you are not going to disconnect from her.  You don't want to.  You want to be her knight in shining armor.  You have concocted this fantasy where you will rescue her from her bad marriage, she will be so grateful & you two will live happily ever after. 

That is not reality. 

What will happen is you two will keep talking.  You will keep fantasizing & she will never leave him  OR he will find her phone & then divorce her for cheating.  She will never forgive you for breaking up her marriage.  If this guy is really the ogre she describes he may be beat her.   If you find out about that & try to intervene, then we could end up with a family annihilator tragedy.  

Whatever the worst case scenario, it's more likely than your fairytale.  All you do by clinging to her & this pipe dream is isolate yourself & intensify your own loneliness.  You waste all your time pining for her, instead of building a life for yourself.  But you are an adult.  I'm just some random person on the internet.  You get to make terrible choices.  I can't change that.  Only you can & you don't want to.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jeff01 said:

My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 5 children,

I’m just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don’t know if that might even ruin things between us!?

Keep the friendship. You've been friends a long time and that's great.  If you blurt out your feelings it will be extremely awkward and may ruin the friendship.

Yes, you're in the friendzone, but she's married.

However it would be better to double date with her/her husband. Ask if she has any single/divorced/widowed friends. That way you can have the best of both worlds. keep her as a friend and start dating again.

[glows]

The chances she's manipulating you is high. 

You're emotionally invested and I understand you're hurt because you believe that she is hurting in the marriage. Perhaps she is. Your best bet is to encourage her to lean on friends and family for support and point her to a good lawyer so that she can extract herself from her marriage and separate from any abuse she's going through in the home. 

If you're not able to remain friends with her while keeping your emotions in check, I don't recommend the friendship. 

You'll probably lead a much more fulfilling life not having her in your life and not dating any of her friends either. Start fresh.

Edited April 8, 2021 by glows

[Interstellar]

Ask her when she’s gonna divorce her husband. You shouldn’t be hanging out with her because she’s married.

Aren’t there any younger women  from your neck of the woods? and by young I don’t mean a girl in her 20’s, 10 years younger on dating apps and such.

Love is a drug, beauty is a drug, your high interest level is a drug, that’s why you’re not thinking straight. Man, you gotta come back down to earth immediately.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Interstellar

[Jeff01]

"Glows", thanks for the response and support,  I really appreciate it.  Unfortunately, my emotions are train wreck right now as because I’m so confused over what to do anymore. I have been friends with her since high school, but I have secretly been in love with her for the last 3 years. I love her with all my heart, and all my soul. I can't even think about any other woman, or even look at any other woman without thinking about her.

[MsJayne]

I think you're experiencing mid-life issues along with loneliness and it's affecting your perception of the situation and your judgement. First of all, have you considered the possibility that her husband is angry at her because he knows how disloyal and manipulative she is? I get that she may feel lonely in her marriage, but she needs to address that with her partner, not with another man, and if she needs to have a vent about her marriage, she should vent to girlfriends or her mother/sister/daughter - no need to involve another man. Why is she down on her knees scrubbing floors? You could be a real friend by opening her eyes to the wonders of modern cleaning aids - like steam mops and the like, a woman need never bruise her dainty knees again if she's prepared to make the quantum leap into the 21st century. If they're living in a mansion they're not short of a quid so why can't she hire someone to help with the cleaning? Why don't any of the five kids help with the housework? 

In your situation I would try to back off a bit, don't get caught up in her marriage problems, and definitely don't tell her how you feel because she needs to make the decision to end her marriage, (if that's what she actually wants), without using you as a soft landing. I think you're being manipulated and if you keep going you will end up used and hurt. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jeff01 said:

"Glows", thanks for the response and support,  I really appreciate it.  Unfortunately, my emotions are train wreck right now as because I’m so confused over what to do anymore. I have been friends with her since high school, but I have secretly been in love with her for the last 3 years. I love her with all my heart, and all my soul. I can't even think about any other woman, or even look at any other woman without thinking about her.

Ok. Take a break. Deep breaths. Go for a walk, check in with friends, take yourself out of the situation for awhile. Even if you are in love with her, I hope you can recognize that that sort of loss of control, nerve-wreck feeling is no good for anyone especially yourself. Thinking straight is an issue. 

It's been three years so it's likely you've leaned in hard on that attachment for some time. Breaking that thought cycle isn't easy but it's really none of your business what goes on in her marriage. As a friend you can be there for her but try not to get involved. It's affecting your mental health negatively. 

Check in here on the forum, meet friends for dinner, have video chats with family. Look at local associations and organizations to check out any interests or hobbies you might want to pursue. 

 

[Jeff01]

Thank you "MsJayne", for your caring response, I really appreciate it. They don't hire a housekeeper because of the issues with the husband verbally degrading her on a daily basis, she has very low self esteem, as well as anxiety, and depression, so she doesn't want some stranger in her house. And as far as the 5 kids not helping. That's easy, they are like alot of kids today, spoiled rotten, and allowed to do whatever they want.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jeff01 said:

I have been friends with her since high school, but I have secretly been in love with her for the last 3 years.

How long have you been divorced? When did you start hanging out more? Have you considered that she is "safe" to love because she's not available for a relationship? 

[Jeff01]

"Wiseman 2", have been divorced for about 5 years now, and started talking and hanging out with her for about 3-4 years ago, and that was off and on not a daily thing, but now we are talking every single day/night over the last year. 

[deepthinking]

we only have her side of the story, too, she would divorce if he is that bad

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

we only have her side of the story, too, she would divorce if he is that bad

While you're right that we only have her side of the story, your comment, it's unfair to categorically state that the woman in question "would divorce if he is that bad".  Leaving an abusive spouse can be so incredibly complex.   While the attached link Why Doesn't She Just Leave is predominantly about physical abuse, emotional abuse can really screw a person up too.     https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/news-list/132-why-doesn-t-she-just-leave

 

[MsJayne]

53 minutes ago, Jeff01 said:

Thank you "MsJayne", for your caring response, I really appreciate it. They don't hire a housekeeper because of the issues with the husband verbally degrading her on a daily basis, she has very low self esteem, as well as anxiety, and depression, so she doesn't want some stranger in her house. And as far as the 5 kids not helping. That's easy, they are like alot of kids today, spoiled rotten, and allowed to do whatever they want.

OK, I never understand this situation, because kids who are self-absorbed and inconsiderate have been raised that way, usually by the mother who keeps pandering to them long after she should have taught them how to use the vacuum and the washing machine. If she truly is in an abusive situation, (and if what she says is true then her husband sounds like he may have OCD to the point of being unhinged, or even something worse), and needs help to get out of it then that's fair enough and maybe you should continue to support her, but I would still say keep your true feelings to yourself and let her make decisions about her life without your influence.  My attitude is dictated by the many women I've known who complain about their life and their partner but never do anything about it, they enjoy the martyrdom, even more so if they've got an audience to play to.  If you ask these women why they choose to stay in an abusive relationship they usually use the excuses of children, finances, etc, but they'll still be there long after the kids have grown up and left home. They like the security their allegedly abusive partner provides, so much so that they're willing to live with the abuse, (which, from the husband's point of view, might be down to him being sick of the martyr rubbish). If she has anxiety and depression she should be talking with a counselor who can help her to make decisions, that way you're in no way responsible for influencing her. You have good intentions and I don't doubt your feelings, but married people are off-limits and by involving you, like texting you at 2AM, she's actually doing exactly what Donnivain suggests, using you as a crutch. Please ponder the complete lack of respect involved just in that one act, who on Earth texts someone at 2AM unless it's an emergency?  You could suggest to her that she record her husband next time he starts with the name-calling, it's not hard to do that with a 'phone, that way at least you know what she's telling you is the truth and not being exaggerated for dramatic impact. 

[ShyViolet]

Ok so it sounds like she may be in an abusive or at least dysfunctional marriage.  Whether or not she chooses to leave her husband has nothing to do with you.  If she does choose to leave her husband, it's going to be a very messy and difficult experience for her, especially considering the kids.  The last thing she needs is to deal with you throwing another curve ball at her by confessing your feelings for her.  She's not in a place to deal with that right now.  It would be a selfish move on your part.  Be a friend to her if you want to be, tell her that you'll be there to offer support.  But she can't even begin to think about being with you if she has to go through the breakup of a marriage.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, this is a thoroughly dysfunctional relationship.

You should not be talking to a married woman every day and for multiple hours a day. The only time I talked everyday to my close, married woman friend was when she traveled across the country to spend two months with her dying mother. Her husband was the main source of support by phone, but in a crisis like family death, friends also can play a big role. People need to feel loved and to hear connections from friends.

I talked to her sometimes for five minutes, sometimes ten, maybe 30 minutes at the most. And it wasn't everyday. Maybe every other day. And this was safe because I know her husband and have visited them and they have visited me. And my friend and her husband are quite happily married. We are upfront about loving our friendship--that's it. That's a hell of a lot, but that's it. 

Essentially, you and this are emotionally dating and cheating. How her husband doesn't freak out at you guys talking is beyond me. You're not flirting directly, but flirtatious energy fills the air. At this point, she's not just a platonic friend. And you're in the sucker role. The sucker role is the role of the hero, the good man, the rescuer, the man who can make the woman happy and fulfilled. That's all nonsense, brother. We cannot rescue people from bad relationships. Getting out of bad relationships requires enormous work on the part of the person trying to end the relationship.

She knows you like her. Telling her that solves nothing. She ain't gonna leave her husband. And if she does leave him, you would be suspicious, remembering that she suddenly left someone to be with you and so she might also suddenly leave you.

 

[basil67]

@Jeff01  I'd like to imagine with you where this could potentially go if you successfully declared your love.   She may well see you as a crutch to get her out of there and leave her horrible husband.  But what then?

From what I understand, she doesn't work and probably hasn't worked in a long time, so she would only be able to work in unskilled jobs with minimal income.  Where would she live, how would she pay rent on a property big enough for her and her family.   And lets talk about those five lazy kids:  Some, if not all, would likely be young enough that they would need to come with her for at least 50% custody.    As it is, it sounds like you already don't like or respect the kids, so if the two of you got together, it's already likely to end in tears.

Loving her is all good and well,  but can you live a peaceful life with her and the kids?  Can you support her?  Practicalities need to play a role in this.

[Jeff01]

@basil67YES, I can definitely see that she is going through emotional abuse because of her husband, and his verbally degrading her all the time, calling her "an ugly b*tch", and "worthless wh*re", to name only a few. 

She tells me that she has anxiety, and depression, and a phoeba about being out in the public "because of how old, and ugly she looks".

And she is always so sad about her appearance. Always telling me how she is "old", "fat", and "ugly". Telling me how she hates her "fat legs", or "mumbly garbled voice". 

She always says "How can you stand looking at my ugly face and my old, fat body!?".  

Now mind you, she is only 50. Long blond hair, beautiful Light Brown eyes, gorgeous smile, and 80 pounds soaking wet!! Yes, she thinks that at 80 pounds she is way too fat, and "needs to get down to 65 - 70 pounds". 

I tell her very nicely ( not like all "Hey baby, I love that voice" ),  but in a nice way, that she "has a cute voice", but she hates her voice, saying "it's all mumbly".  

Luckily she doesn't complain about how much she "hates herself" or about "how much she hates her life", every single time we talk, but she does mention all this stuff, at least every couple of days.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jeff01 said:

@basil67. 

She tells me that she has anxiety, and depression, and a phoeba about being out in the public "because of how old, and ugly she looks". 

You need to distance yourself from all this. You're not a therapist or psychiatrist and that's what she needs.

This is not a good situation for you. This is not a good way for you to recover from your divorce.

You may want to believe all your "support" is helping her or you, but it's not. 

She's heavily fishing for compliments to bolster her rundown self image. You blurting out how you're in love with her will be just another meaningless compliment to her.

If you continue, you'll never get over your divorce. In fact, this is a common situation of making abysmal choices after divorce.