Told my partner I didn't want to get married

[H245]

This is a continuation from a previous thread I posted and never had a chance to get back to: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/599195-propose-or-break-up

My gf (40) and I (37) finally sat down tonight and I told her that I don't plan on getting married. Not that I didn't think I saw a future with her, which I do, but that the idea of marriage just doesn't excite me and if that's the case, then I shouldn't be doing it. To her, marriage is her end goal and she wanted to know if I would still go through with it since it was important to her and I said no. Mind you that she does not want kids. 

She wishes I told her that a long time ago since we have been together for 6 years now. I told her I wasn't sure about all this until recently after months of thinking about this (I also take Lexapro which might have helped me clear my head to reach this decision).

As I should, I feel completely bad for hurting her feelings and fully accept her being angry with me for not coming to this decision sooner. I tried explaining that this didn't change how I felt about her and that I still see a future with her, but she does not see it that way and I understand.

Since the conversation, she went to the bedroom crying and then ended up leaving the house to see her friend (understandable). I'm just sitting here in the dark on my computer contemplating if I made a bad decision or not while trying not to cry myself that I hurt her feelings.

This is just me venting, hope everyone else is having a good day.

Edited April 7, 2021 by H245
Link to previous thread

[trident_2020]

You did not make a bad decision in fact I applaud you for making what is clearly the right choice.

She now knows the two of you share different goals, if she decides to stick around that's her choice.

If I know now what I knew years ago I never would have gotten married in the first place and I make it clear to every girlfriend since my divorce that a second marriage is never going to happen.

Some still try, including my girlfriend of 9 years. My answer is always the same.

There's just no reason to go there. Nothing to gain and everything to lose.

 

[spiderowl]

I realise that, to you, marriage is not a thing you want.  Your girlfriend has a different view of it (obviously): she wants to get married, be married, and have that 'surety' of commitment and contentment.  She may view your lack of wanting to get married as meaning that you do not see her as the person you will be spending the rest of your life with.  If that is true, then that is just the way it is and eventually, if not sooner, you will end up splitting up.  If you do want to spend the rest of your life with her, then somehow you need to make that clear to her.  She is going to interpret what you have said as meaning you are open to meeting someone else or want to be open to meeting someone else.

Marriage or not is a dealbreaker.  If she truly wants and needs that commitment, tradition and security, then nothing else will do.  Be prepared for her to break up with you.

[Happy Lemming]

At 37 (and with no desire to have kids) there is no up side for you to get married... only the risk of losing 50%+ of your assets.

Every guy I know has been screwed over and "taken to the cleaners" in the divorce process.  If she wants to leave, help her box up her stuff and move on to the next woman.  NEXT!!

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years, I told her on our second date that I will NEVER get married.   That being said, I did have a will made up where my girlfriend receives 100% of my assets/estate if I should die.  She can have my assets when I'm dead, not before.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, H245 said:

My gf (40) and I (37) finally sat down tonight and I told her that I don't plan on getting married.

She wishes I told her that a long time ago since we have been together for 6 years now. 

I told her I wasn't sure about all this until recently.

I am trying to not judge you H245, but you wrote the below back in January.

>>Back in late 2019 I posted about issues I (37M) was having with my partner (39F) and my inability to commit to marriage. 

You have also created other threads over the years discussing your inability to commit.  So I am surprised to read that you weren't sure about it until recently?

Like I said, trying not to judge, and not because you don't want to get married (that's fine and certainly your prerogative), but because it sounds like you have known for a very long time (like years) you didn't want to commit to marriage, you knew your girlfriend did, how important it was to her, and it's now six years into this, she's 40, and suddenly you have this sudden epiphany you never want to get married.

I would be shocked if your girlfriend wishes to continue this relationship.  This is done.  Let her go.  

To answer your question, you did right thing by telling her, a bit late which imo was unfair to her, but it is what it is.

I hope moving forward, you will do as Trident and Happy Lemming do (and other men who have no desire for marriage), be honest with women from the get go, it's the right thing to do.

All the best.

 

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

We do NOT owe anyone marriage. No such thing. You get married because selfishly, ruthlessly, it works for both people. 

No social work or charity in marriage.

As for her pain, that''s part of the love game. In order to risk love, we have to risk hurt. She'll recover. 

What's problematic is that you are all tortured about this. If you respected her--as in believed she was highly competent and strong and smart and resilient--you wouldn't worry about her wellbeing.  If you don't think she has all those qualities, you shouldn't have dated her in the first place.

It's an irony, but we should only marry someone who we know would live a kick-butt life without us and a kick-butt life even if we decided not to date them. 

Edited April 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[H245]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am trying to not judge you H245, but you wrote the below back in January.

>>Back in late 2019 I posted about issues I (37M) was having with my partner (39F) and my inability to commit to marriage. 

You have also created other threads over the years discussing your inability to commit.  So I am surprised to read that you weren't sure about it until recently?

Like I said, trying not to judge, and not because you don't want to get married (that's fine and certainly your prerogative), but because it sounds like you have known for a very long time (like years) you didn't want to commit to marriage, you knew your girlfriend did, how important it was to her, and it's now six years into this, she's 40, and suddenly you have this sudden epiphany you never want to get married.

I would be shocked if your girlfriend wishes to continue this relationship.  This is done.  Let her go.  

To answer your question, you did right thing by telling her, a bit late which imo was unfair to her, but it is what it is.

I hope moving forward, you will do as Trident and Happy Lemming do (and other men who have no desire for marriage), be honest with women from the get go, it's the right thing to do.

All the best.

 

 

You're right that I should have said something earlier in our relationship, I was more or less going with the flow of our relationship. We did have multiple conversations over the years and we also went to couples therapy and each time I told her I wasn't sure marriage was for me. It took a lot of soul searching for me to figure that out.

I did try to tell her that I still wanted to have a future with her as I'm not looking to run around and sleep with other people, but as it has been said, marriage is really important to her so anything I try to do to show her I still want to spend my life with her will fall on deaf ears. Regardless, I am preparing for the worst case scenario.

[BaileyB]

You made the right decision. 

Unfortunately, you are about 5+ years too late in telling her how you feel.

I say this as a woman who is in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to get married again. He told me this very early on in our relationship... If she wants to be married and you do not, you are not compatible in this way. It is for some men and some women, a real dealbreaker. 

Edited April 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

As per your last thread I think it's smart to not get married with her.  It doesn't look like she has everything you want/need to make that commitment. As you said you do not bring the best out of each other. 

You were also contemplating breaking up with her, that idea would never cross your mind if you were deeply in love with her. I am not saying you don't love her but it doesn't sound like it's the *I will die for you* type of love. 

 

[H245]

Update: she came home and has asked me to leave for an undetermined amount of time starting tomorrow as she needs space. I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight and leave in the morning. This really sucks, but expected. 

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry for that. 

Is it possible deep down you wanted a breakup?

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, H245 said:

We did have multiple conversations over the years and we also went to couples therapy and each time I told her I wasn't sure marriage was for me.

 

This woman was well aware of your position on marriage.  So much so you went to a professional third party to discuss the matter.

15 minutes ago, H245 said:

You're right that I should have said something earlier in our relationship, I was more or less going with the flow of our relationship.

 

You have nothing to be sorry for... It was discussed privately, discussed with a therapist and she still decided to stay.  That is the clear definition of "FREE WILL"  She choose to stay...

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS!!

 If she leaves, let her go... plenty of fish in the sea!!

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, H245 said:

Update: she came home and has asked me to leave for an undetermined amount of time starting tomorrow as she needs space. I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight and leave in the morning. This really sucks, but expected. 

Why do you have to leave??  Is your name on the lease/mortgage?? If she wants to move out, help her box up her crap and let her leave.

[Happy Lemming]

The last time I lived with a woman and she told me she wanted to leave.  I went down to the hardware store, purchased some boxes and tape and helped her box up all of her crap.  I put it all out on the front porch, then changed the locks on my house. 

I let her find her own U-haul truck and friends to move her crap to a new location.

[Gaeta]

It's not necessary to be an arse to a woman you shared your life with for 6 years. 

[H245]

It’s her house. Her name is on everything so I really have no say. I’m going to respect her wishes and hope we can talk about it again if she’s ready. If not, I’ll come back to get the rest of my stuff and live with my decision. 

Before anyone asks, we both agreed on the house situation before she bought it because things were so up in the air between us at the end of 2019. I’ve paid my half of all our bills 

[H245]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sorry for that. 

Is it possible deep down you wanted a breakup?

Sometimes yes but I also knew it was out of anger over a fight. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, H245 said:

It’s her house. Her name is on everything so I really have no say.

You need to find an apartment (month to month) ASAP!!

Don't sign a long term lease on anything until you've had some time to research different housing options.  Time for you to box up your stuff...

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, H245 said:

This is a continuation from a previous thread I posted and never had a chance to get back to: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/599195-propose-or-break-up

My gf (40) and I (37) finally sat down tonight and I told her that I don't plan on getting married. Not that I didn't think I saw a future with her, which I do, but that the idea of marriage just doesn't excite me and if that's the case, then I shouldn't be doing it. To her, marriage is her end goal and she wanted to know if I would still go through with it since it was important to her and I said no. Mind you that she does not want kids. 

She wishes I told her that a long time ago since we have been together for 6 years now. I told her I wasn't sure about all this until recently after months of thinking about this (I also take Lexapro which might have helped me clear my head to reach this decision).

As I should, I feel completely bad for hurting her feelings and fully accept her being angry with me for not coming to this decision sooner. I tried explaining that this didn't change how I felt about her and that I still see a future with her, but she does not see it that way and I understand.

Since the conversation, she went to the bedroom crying and then ended up leaving the house to see her friend (understandable). I'm just sitting here in the dark on my computer contemplating if I made a bad decision or not while trying not to cry myself that I hurt her feelings.

This is just me venting, hope everyone else is having a good day.

She should've figured out after year 1 that you weren't going to marry her, unless you lied to her.

But why is marriage so important to her if she doesn't want kids?  [redacted]

And do you not want marriage at all or just not with her?  If a 27 year old, reasonably attractive, nice agreeable woman wanted marriage, no marriage still?

Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
intolerance to other people's beliefs

[glows]

I can't imagine the guts it took to say something like this to someone you care deeply for or have been attached/living with for the past six years. You have quite a lot to lose too. All I can say is good for you for speaking your truth and having out with it. 

She is upset but like someone else said, she will survive. The only other thing I might say is that the relationship should end if you don't really sense she's everything you're looking for in a woman. There's no sense keeping her around and preventing her from finding someone else who can love her even more.

We evolve as people and you evolved. Things change often, as they can in life. You adapt and you learn new ways to appreciate everything. 

You should go ahead and live your life exactly how you imagine yours and so should she, whatever or however that may be. 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, H245 said:

You're right that I should have said something earlier in our relationship, I was more or less going with the flow of our relationship. We did have multiple conversations over the years and we also went to couples therapy and each time I told her I wasn't sure marriage was for me. It took a lot of soul searching for me to figure that out.

I did try to tell her that I still wanted to have a future with her as I'm not looking to run around and sleep with other people, but as it has been said, marriage is really important to her so anything I try to do to show her I still want to spend my life with her will fall on deaf ears. Regardless, I am preparing for the worst case scenario.

Why are you fearful of marriage?

 

ifyou have a lot more than the other, that’s what prenups are for

 

you shoukd know by two years ifyou could marry.

 

circumstance could  prevent marriage.  
 

I had this in my last LTIR. She was a single parent with a child in high school, father not around. Her income was just low enough to be eligible for various college aid programs. If I married her it woukd price her kid out of these.  I told her it woukd have to wait till after she was done with college.

[MsJayne]

I think a lot of women stay with men who won't make the 'official' commitment because they think he's just playing hard to get instead of accepting the reality that they just aren't the woman of his dreams. I wish women would wake up and do what this woman did.....She lived with the guy for a couple of years, and when she asked if they would ever get married he repeatedly made the non-committal noises. So one day she just left, with no warning, just packed up and moved out. When he proposed, because he was crazy in love with her and devastated when she'd gone, she refused and moved on with her life. And that's exactly what all women should do. 

[glows]

Some women don't want to get married or be married so I don't think it applies to every woman. If anyone (man or woman) wants marriage or kids, it's probably best it's brought up early in conversation/dating stages. 

 

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry this happened.  You have a lot of healing to do on both of your parts. 

[prince0fgame]

10 hours ago, H245 said:

This is a continuation from a previous thread I posted and never had a chance to get back to: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/599195-propose-or-break-up

My gf (40) and I (37) finally sat down tonight and I told her that I don't plan on getting married. Not that I didn't think I saw a future with her, which I do, but that the idea of marriage just doesn't excite me and if that's the case, then I shouldn't be doing it. To her, marriage is her end goal and she wanted to know if I would still go through with it since it was important to her and I said no. Mind you that she does not want kids. 

She wishes I told her that a long time ago since we have been together for 6 years now. I told her I wasn't sure about all this until recently after months of thinking about this (I also take Lexapro which might have helped me clear my head to reach this decision).

As I should, I feel completely bad for hurting her feelings and fully accept her being angry with me for not coming to this decision sooner. I tried explaining that this didn't change how I felt about her and that I still see a future with her, but she does not see it that way and I understand.

Since the conversation, she went to the bedroom crying and then ended up leaving the house to see her friend (understandable). I'm just sitting here in the dark on my computer contemplating if I made a bad decision or not while trying not to cry myself that I hurt her feelings.

This is just me venting, hope everyone else is having a good day.

This is a high level decision. And it requires a high level opinion.

I've been where you've been bro. Because someone  adores her.  You are holding her back. She is ready. You are not. 

Let go of your ego. Set her free so that the right guy can find her. 

Edited April 8, 2021 by prince0fgame