Propose or break up?

[H245]

Happy new year all.

Back in late 2019 I posted about issues I (37M) was having with my partner (39F) and my inability to commit to marriage. Since then, I was diagnosed with a coping disorder and have been taking Lexapro since. We also moved into a house together Feb. 2020, but with everything in her name since I had second guesses about our relationship and didn't want things to get overly complicated in the event things didn't work out. She was fine with it and we were also doing couples counseling until August 2020.

We have been mostly fine with each other during quarantine and haven't tried killing each other while we were attending couples therapy online. Since it ended, it feels like we have slipped back into hold habits of arguing over (arguably) stupid topics because we tend to misunderstand each other/have breakdowns in communication. At one point things broke down so badly that she jumped up and down in a childish tantrum screaming and I punched a hole through a wall. We talked it out afterwards and I patched up the hole and she helped me re-paint the wall. I regretted my actions almost immediately. Since that happened last November, I have been very mostly somber/cathartic about the relationship and myself. Now whenever it looks like we are about to to get into an escalating argument, I just tell she's right or we'll do whatever she's suggesting at the time.

Fast forward to now, we are at a crossroads about marriage. She is turning 40 this month and she has always said she wanted to be married before 40. I would dismiss it more of than not as I thought it was an irrational idea on her part to set herself (and to some degree me) a time limit. I woke up a few nights ago to her upset and crying. She told me the next day about how she will be 40 and I haven't proposed yet.

I'm not really sure what to do. On the one hand, I do love her and I am mostly 100% myself around her. I have thought about proposing since we ended couples therapy, buy when we had the argument that led to me punching a hole in a wall, it shook me up. It makes me wonder if there will always be some kind of powder keg between us.

We have some things in common, but we also have a lot more differences than common interests. We are both very rough around the edges and it feels like we don't really bring out the best in each other as our communication tends to break down a lot. I feel as if we spend more time explaining to each other what we meant behind a statement because either one of us took something the wrong way. Sexual chemistry also hasn't been there (we typically have sex once every 2-3 months for the past 2-3 years). 

When we last talked about it, she reminded me that we ended couples therapy on the fact that we are both individuals that have rough edges and it's a matter of me figuring out of that is something I am willing to accept for the rest of our lives. She also reminded me that we have faired better than others during this pandemic and that if we can survive this we can survive anything. While I agree with her on that, I think it was mostly because of me being more passive/fluid/go with the flow, etc...I've told her that the older I get the more I try to keep my life as stress free as possible.

All signs point to breaking up if I am finding it this hard to commit to marriage (although I feel like I wouldn't want to commit to marriage with anyone in general). At the same time, I need to really do some soul searching and find out that is truly the way to go or if I'm just having cold feet and holding on to past negative events and afraid to take the leap of faith.

Apologies if non of this makes sense. I'm mentally exhausted and also been dealing with being off my medication for the last 2 weeks due to issues with my prescriptions (just started it back up today).

Thoughts/criticisms greatly appreciated.

[trident_2020]

Do not get married as a strategy to save the relationship.

 

[Kai_Kai]

Don't get engaged/married because you feel bad for the other person. Because marriage involves two people working together. If one person from the beginning was on the fence on getting engaged causes tension and resentment down the line. At the same time,  I get her perspective. She doesn't want to feel like she is wasting her time. You got to make a decision for yourself of what you really want, so that she doesn't feel dragged along. Talk to her and let her know you feel a monkey wrench between ya'll and see how she reacts. Maybe there is room for compromising on her end. But you have to compromise by being completely transparent, so that there is no false expectations. 

 

Good Luck!  

[ShyViolet]

Getting married as an attempt to "save" a relationship is a horrible idea.  Getting married because the other person wants to and is pressuring you to, when deep down you know it's not what you really want, is an equally horrible idea.  The issues that you are having will not get better.... they tend to get worse over time.  If getting married is not what YOU truly want, then you should not do it.

[H245]

Thanks for the advice. I let her know earlier this evening that no matter what I need to come to a decision sooner rather than later regardless the outcome (I shouldn't have to feel pressure and she shouldn't be dragged around). I need to really come to terms if either I'm having cold feet about marriage, don't care for it in general, or if I'm letting the negative history we've had overtake the good that we've had these past 6 years. We've both made progress over the years at trying to be better towards each other, but sometimes I feel we backslide more than move forward.

Not sure if this would be relevant or not, but I only ever thought about marrying one person back in my 20s and it never paned out. Since then, as I've gotten older, I've tried to take a more laid back stance towards life overall.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you sound very incompatible.

Your solution seems to be just coasting along for convenience.

There seems to be an inordinate amount of discord and drama.

It's probably best to move out. If you marry you'll make this discordant situation a legal nightmare to get out of.

You don't have to keep coming up with reasons. That approach is a disservice to both of you. "I was gonna marry you but then you punched the wall" is just more coasting along in limbo.

You're not happy (having to convince yourselves you "made it through" all the drama in itself is strange).  Sounds like a battle field, not bliss.

There's poor intimacy, there's poor communication. People who need couples therapy after only a few years together just to get along without knockdown drag out fights, should be your cue to exit.

Marriage is a legal contact that's difficult to get out of. It's not about romcoms and social pressure.

Unfortunately she viewed moving in as a step toward marriage and you viewed it as a test drive and convenience. Not a good omen.

Edited January 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Marrying at this point is not the answer.  You two are not in a good place.  If you need couples counseling to hold a dating relationship together, it's not worth it IMO. Especially here.  You had counseling & apparently learned nothing.  You got violent in response to a disagreement.  Not a good place to start. 

[spiritedaway2003]

I don’t think your SO is “pressuring” you.  And you should not nor feel like you have to get married as a “resolution”.

There are clear incompatibilities.  She has told you she wants to be married by 40 and that’s her way of communicating with you her expectations.  Have you been honest with her and told her that you don’t want to get married?  

If you don’t see yourself marrying ever (or with her), you need to let her know so she can decide her next step  - whether she should move forward instead of staying together for what seemed to be for your convenience.  

Six years is no short amount of time.  If she had wanted to start a family, that window is shrinking for her (if not already closed) and time is valuable.  IMHO, you should know if you want to build a life with someone after being together for 6 years. Don’t keep wasting your time (and hers) if you don’t see yourself getting married.  Getting married is a big step so talk about it with each other, so you can each make your respective decisions.

Good luck. 

[Lorenza]

My first thought after reading the title was if those are the only options to choose from then breakup for sure. You should only marry if you are elated by the though of commiting to her, like nothing makes in the whole world makes you happier than the thought of marrying her and it has a symbolic meaning to you as well. Not because you're standing at the crossroad of your relationship. 

[FMW]

I agree with @spiritedaway2003, six years is plenty of time to know whether or not you are compatible and whether or not you want to get married.  As has been mentioned, issues usually only increase over time and marriage will absolutely not make anything better.  

16 hours ago, H245 said:

Sexual chemistry also hasn't been there (we typically have sex once every 2-3 months for the past 2-3 years). 

I'm not sure if you and she have considered having children or if it was just mentioned by another poster, but this isn't likely to result in pregnancy, especially if she's almost 40.  Since you mentioned the (in)frequency, I'm assuming that you're not happy with that part of your relationship.  And her saying you just have to to decide if that's something you're willing to accept for the rest of your lives - while true - tells you she has no intention of that changing.  Along with everything else, why would you want to commit yourself to that?  Or any of this?

 Your description of your life together sounds emotionally exhausting to me.  I would be seriously reconsidering even being together, certainly not thinking about making it legally binding. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Now whenever it looks like we are about to to get into an escalating argument, I just tell she's right or we'll do whatever she's suggesting at the time.

This is the first sign that you should not marry this woman. The above is a formula for disaster. What, are you scared of her? Why are you backing down and faking like you like what she says?

There is no such thing as "cold feet." Cold feet means you don't like her enough and don't like the relationship enough to get married. Cold feet is a serious feeling that something isn't right and that marrying this person wouldn't be safe, emotionally safe.

You guys don't seem basically compatible. Don't fall for the "we need to communicate better" rap. The reason you have trouble communicating is that you two don't like the way you treat each other. You set off each other's buttons. That's not a problem you could fix by developing better wording. 

You do NOT get married because another person has some goal of being married at a certain age. That would be self-destructive and foolish. You marry only because--ONLY!--thinking selfishly, thinking only of yourself, you think being with her wildly improves your life and your feeling of wellbeing. You have to be ruthlessly selfish when deciding whether or not to marry someone. No "curve" for them being nice or them feeling bad about being 40. So what?! No your problem. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Marriage here is a bad idea, for many different reasons. I’m sorry.