Calmandfocused Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 Hi loveshackers I’m interested to hear If this has happened to others? It’s literally just happened to me and I’ve got to admit that I’m quite ashamed by it and how I feel. So a guy literally walked into my life 3 weeks ago. We met in real life and connected after chatting for a while. From my perspective it’s been really bad timing. I’ve been exceptionally busy and I certainly wasn’t on the look out for a relationship. However he seemed nice so I agreed to a date. We’ve probably had about 5 dates in the past 3 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been hit with feelings of repulsion, irritation and a sense of just wanting to get away from him. I’m completely turned off by him. My attraction level had gone from mediocre to 0. There isn’t really any rational explanation for it. The only thing I can pinpoint is that he’s a bit needy and insecure. For example even though I told him outright numerous times I don’t multidate and have no interest in seeing other men, I still get the same question; “Are you sure you don’t want to see anyone else?, just be honest with me if you do”.... etc etc. Another thing is that he questions everything I say to have an underlying meaning. I’ve repeatedly told him that I mean what I say but he still continues to do it. It’s really off putting. Anyway, I had to finish it last night. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel a massive sense of relief TBH but I also feel bad for him. Has this happened to anyone here before? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 Yeah, I've dated a couple women like this. Hell, I even used to be insecure many years ago. Like I thought the worst thing that can happen is to be betrayed and hurt. So I kept focusing on it. Luckily I kept most of it internal. However, whenever I dated a woman and picked up on this kind of insecurity that you are describing, I would run fast. The overthinking thing doesn't bother me much, tbh. I analyze things too, but I just try to let it flow anyway. The not trusting me is a deal breaker, though. I actually don't lie. If I say something, that's what I meant. I wouldn't stress it. It would have just gotten worse. You may have hurt him short term, but you saved him a very bad relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 Ohhh don't feel guilty! That's you're gut telling you something is very off! I've had the same experience where I felt like a jerk for being repulsed by an other wise 'nice guy' but we feel the way we do for a reason and maybe that reason isn't as vain/shallow as we thought when push comes to shove...it's a sign of things to come IMO, once we feel repulsed (whether it's a logical or illogical feeling) there is no coming back from that Tell him it's not a match in your eyes and move on...your gut is telling you something xoxo 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 It never happened to me that I felt repulsed by someone I dated but since you have, it is best that you break up. Dating is a try out, a way to see if you are compatible for the long term. If you found out that you are not compatible a break up is the only option. Much better to end things than drag them out. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 You did the right thing. He sounds like way too much work. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 He has insecurity issues...hope you told him that. I know I would. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Has this happened to anyone here before? Sure. And the gut instinct was absolutely right. It's puzzling and can be intriguing. Trust your instincts even if you can't explain 'why' yet. This question is common “Are you sure you don’t want to see anyone else?” He doesn't understand that you're not a good fit, doesn't see it. He isn't reading you at all or he'd notice your reactions. Edited April 3, 2021 by Tamfana Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 What on Earth is 'the ick'? Never heard of that term before, sounds like a STI. Sounds like the dating experience did what it is supposed to do, helped you find out you two are not compatible. People seem to have a misconception that when you start dating someone it means you have to like them and stay together for as long as possible. No, you find out whether you are a good long term match or not. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: So a guy literally walked into my life 3 weeks ago. We met in real life and connected after chatting for a while. From my perspective it’s been really bad timing. I’ve been exceptionally busy and I certainly wasn’t on the look out for a relationship. However he seemed nice so I agreed to a date. We’ve probably had about 5 dates in the past 3 weeks. Hi Calm, yeah I've felt it too. I've learned the way to avoid that "ick" repulsed feeling is to (1) recognize when it's bad timing, that you're not in the right frame to be dating and as such no man is going to 'measure up' at that point in time and (2) don't spend three weeks (5 dates) dating a man you were never attracted to in the first place. Dating a man because you think he's "nice" never leads to anything good in my experience. Guy probably should have been nexted after the first or second date. But instead you continued on dating him until it reached the ugly bitter point wherein you now feel icked and repulsed.😳 Not very fair to either one of you imho. Edited April 3, 2021 by poppyfields 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hi Calm, yeah I've felt it too. I've learned the way to avoid that "ick" repulsed feeling is to (1) recognize when it's bad timing, that you're not in the right frame to be dating and as such no man is going to 'measure up' at that point in time and (2) don't spend three weeks (5 dates) dating a man you were never attracted to in the first place. Dating a man because you think he's "nice" never leads to anything good in my experience. Guy probably should have been nexted after the first or second date. But instead you continued on dating him until it reached the ugly bitter point wherein you now feel icked and repulsed.😳 Not very fair to either one of you imho. Yeah I appreciate what you’re saying. Admittedly I was not blown away with attraction from the first date. However the attraction was enough for me to consider the possibility that the attraction may grow. I also highly respected him and admired him so I was hopeful ..... plus attraction has grown for me previously so I know first hand it can happen... However it didn’t. The exact opposite happened. I also agree that the timing was a major factor, I just cannot be bothered with a relationship at the moment. I haven’t got the time or the inclination. I’ve also not been single again that long, which he knew. I do feel awful though. He seemed to really like me and he’s a really great guy. But I just didn’t feel the same. You’re right though. If I’m not massively attracted at the third date I should just cut my losses. It wasn’t my intention but It was unfair to string him along for another couple of dates. He’s now told me he thinks I’m a horrible person ☹️. Probably because I’ve unintentionally hurt him ☹️. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Punterxx said: What on Earth is 'the ick'? Never heard of that term before, sounds like a STI. Sounds like the dating experience did what it is supposed to do, helped you find out you two are not compatible. People seem to have a misconception that when you start dating someone it means you have to like them and stay together for as long as possible. No, you find out whether you are a good long term match or not. It’s when you feel sudden involuntary repulsion towards the person you’re dating, usually unjustifiably. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: He’s now told me he thinks I’m a horrible person ☹️. Confirms your decision that cutting your losses was the right choice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. It is what it is. No sense in trying to "force things". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) Yes, this happens, but these days I'm sharp enough to know to trust that first impression. If I feel revulsion AT ALL during a first date, then it's not going to work. I don't waste time for four more dates. This is just a lesson in trusting yourself. The mistake I used to make was trying to figure out or question why I don't feel attracted/drawn to someone. In your case, you actively disliked the person and kept going. I don't even go out on a second date if I'm just neutral about the person. Remember your nervous system picks up a ton of information that your rational brain would take weeks to figure out. Your nervous system is noticing odd movements and facial expressions, picking up a tone in the voice, comparing this person with the thousands of other people you have sat down with. If you're having a bad reaction, believe it. Trust it! And no need to feel guilty. That person can go find someone who appreciates his style. Edited April 3, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: He’s now told me he thinks I’m a horrible person☹️ . Probably because I’ve unintentionally hurt him ☹️ Well that's two huge strikes against him. ^^^^ This isn't really the appropriate response when you've been respectful in letting him down. What's horrible about it? If you aren't attracted to him, you aren't attracted to him. It doesn't really make a ton of sense to rip him to shreds about his neediness and clinginess--it might be right for some other girl in the future or he'll figure it out eventually. (I agree with you though, those qualities are about as big a turnoff as there is!!) You gave it/him a chance and that's all that you can do. If it's not there, it's not there. I always think it's funny when people do everything "right" and cater to your every need, but in reality it's just an excuse for them to be overbearing in their way. The fact that he's called you horrible is an indication that him being really "nice" is the role he plays to get what he wants in life; it's not entirely genuine. He might not even be conscious that he does this but people settle into roles that they are most comfortable with and then will utilize that "role" to get what they want in life. Put simply being nice doesn't guarantee him a relationship, even though on some level he thinks it does and is now trying to guilt you about it. I'm guessing if you got into a relationship with him, you'd constantly be "paying" for the nice acts he does for you, in that he'd hold them over your head as an expectation---looks like the prime one is "get in/stay in this relationship with me". I'm thinking ick too at his insecure nature and that Question!! so loaded!! lol, boy bye! no! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: He’s now told me he thinks I’m a horrible person ☹️. Probably because I’ve unintentionally hurt him ☹️. See?! That repulsion was your gut telling you something was wrong...who tells someone who politely breaks things off that they're a horrible person???? How would he react if you guys were together down the line and there was some conflict? Would he berate you then too? A little over a year ago I dated this guy who was great on paper, seemed to really prioritize me and treated me well yet I couldn't get over the feeling that maybe he was kind of a jerk even though I didn't have any evidence to back up that claim...I couldn't ignore the feeling that something was amiss so I broke things off and sure enough he texted me some vulgar things and was super nasty Our guts don't lie...including yours 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 This is what dating is for. The why doesn’t really matter does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) To put it in a different perspective, for those who believe in reincarnation, the 'ick' happens when your spiritual self realizes that the person you are dating now, was your father in your previous life... 🤢 Edited April 4, 2021 by Poutrew 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 4, 2021 Author Share Posted April 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Poutrew said: To put it in a different perspective, for those who believe in reincarnation, the 'ick' happens when your spiritual self realizes that the person you are dating now, was your father in your previous life... 🤢 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 4, 2021 Author Share Posted April 4, 2021 Poutrew My initial reaction to your post was what?! However I think you’ve touched on a point ... Part of my revulsion towards him (which I was fully aware of) was about the fact that he seemed like a generation above me. He wasn’t but it seemed like he was. Im 42 so way past being a child myself. He’s early 50s so not a massive age difference. However I have 2 young children and he has 3 young grandchildren. It sounds so ridiculous but him being a grandparent made me dry heave. I just couldn’t get over this. It just made everything seem wrong. I know very young grandparents exist but is the first time I’ve dated one ... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: he has 3 young grandchildren. It sounds so ridiculous but him being a grandparent made me dry heave. I just couldn’t get over this. It just made everything seem wrong. I suspect that if there hadn't been the ick factor, you would have been fine with it. Edited April 4, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 I know the ick well. I've had it numerous times. And I've even tried to force it, because the guy was just great on paper, but in the end, after 2 or 3 dates, I just couldn't go through with it and ended things. When even the sound of their voice starts making you roll your eyes, it's not good!! And you're not a horrible person. You might have hurt him, but you don't owe anyone the right to date you. So if you don't want to date them, it might hurt, but it is your right to end things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 4, 2021 Author Share Posted April 4, 2021 Thanks everyone. I’m receiving more nasty texts about how I’m a liar, how I’ve “s**t” all over him etc. I don’t think I deserve that! However these texts are making me anxious. I think it’s triggering me as I’ve been in abusiveness relationships in my past. Maybe my ick was actually my instincts telling me something.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 4, 2021 Share Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Thanks everyone. I’m receiving more nasty texts about how I’m a liar, how I’ve “s**t” all over him etc. I don’t think I deserve that! However these texts are making me anxious. I think it’s triggering me as I’ve been in abusiveness relationships in my past. Maybe my ick was actually my instincts telling me something.... Calm, sorry to hear you're experiencing this. And no of course you don't deserve that, guy is a bonafide psycho! I recall once being bombarded with nasty texts after I politely rejected a man, after the 3rd or 4th nasty, I blocked. Since then after rejecting, I immediately block to avoid what you are experiencing now. Curious why you haven't? Edited April 4, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Calmandfocused Posted April 4, 2021 Author Share Posted April 4, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Calm, sorry to hear you're experiencing this. And no of course you don't deserve that, guy is a bonafide psycho! I recall once being bombarded with nasty texts after I politely rejected a man, after the 3rd or 4th nasty, I blocked. Since then after rejecting, I immediately block to avoid what you are experiencing now. Curious why you haven't? Because I didn’t want to kick him in the balls twice IYSWIM and give him a double rejection by blocking him. I don’t tend to block people Willy nilly, only when they really offend me. However, admittedly this guy has moved into this territory.... Link to post Share on other sites
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