Coffee shop guy and me?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, IrisZion said:

But like the user said, what if he isn't even single.

Yes, what if?

He says thanks, but he's spoken for. It's not the end of the world. Happens all the time.

You can keep fretting about it, or you can take action and stop wasting time speculating. 

 

[mark clemson]

Tip: the phrase "Tienes novia?" may come in helpful for you at some point in the relatively near future.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 "Tienes novia?" 

I disagree. Coming on to this crush is most likely quite unwelcomed in the work place. In any language.

I also find it condescending to think that he works and lives in England but has to be asked in Spanish because of a language barrier. How did he get a job/apt etc. of he can understand  basics?

If he a had any interest whatsoever it would be crystal clear. It's none of her business to ask personal questions such as "do you have a GF?" and worse, in Spanish as if he's too ignorant to understand in English.

[Kir]

I wouldn't assume the coffee shop worker is attracted to you.

People who work retail, people who work in restaurants, and the people who work with the public are friendlly by nature, or they won't last long in the job. There are women who work at the local restaurants and supermarkets and shopping malls who smile at me and stare at me, but it wouldn't make sense for me to assume they are attracted to me.

They're there to do a job, a job they're paid for.  They're not there to be approached and asked out by every random dude  who shops at that store, and since I don't want to make things uncomfortable for anyone?

I've never asked out or flirted with, or asked for the number of any of the employees.

If I was you, I'd go and meet men. Dating apps, activities where singles mingle to find someone to date, or ask your friends to introduce you to any single friends who are looking.

Or you could wait for the guy to ask you out, I suppose, but if things don't work out, then what?

You're gonna give up on going to that coffee shop so things don't become uncomfortable?

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I also find it condescending to think that he works and lives in England but has to be asked in Spanish because of a language barrier. How did he get a job/apt etc. of he can understand  basics?

Fair enough. My suggestion was more to be flirtatious by breaking out some Spanish, not that he wouldn't understand the question in English.

Her advances may be unwelcome (although I doubt it from all this "staring" stuff she keeps mentioning). IF that's the case he will presumably gently let her know he's not interested. You and I are not on the same page WRT to that, but that's fine. You may well be correct.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

he will presumably gently let her know he's not interested

Not asking her out, her number etc., already indicates that. He doesn't need a neon sign on his forehead stating "I'm here to work, not date".

[IrisZion]

3 hours ago, Kir said:

I wouldn't assume the coffee shop worker is attracted to you.

People who work retail, people who work in restaurants, and the people who work with the public are friendlly by nature, or they won't last long in the job. There are women who work at the local restaurants and supermarkets and shopping malls who smile at me and stare at me, but it wouldn't make sense for me to assume they are attracted to me.

They're there to do a job, a job they're paid for.  They're not there to be approached and asked out by every random dude  who shops at that store, and since I don't want to make things uncomfortable for anyone?

I've never asked out or flirted with, or asked for the number of any of the employees.

If I was you, I'd go and meet men. Dating apps, activities where singles mingle to find someone to date, or ask your friends to introduce you to any single friends who are looking.

Or you could wait for the guy to ask you out, I suppose, but if things don't work out, then what?

You're gonna give up on going to that coffee shop so things don't become uncomfortable?

He is attracted to me tho. That's pretty obvious by all my posts even more so today as I did not go in but my friend did. Whom he has seen me with outside the shop. My friend doesn't like him though because she feels he's rude, loud and unfriendly ( she told me today he refused to give her ice in her latte last year around Christmas and looked really irritated while she kept asking for it) but she said he was oddly polite today and asked where was I and that the shop had soya cappuccino so I should come.

I eventually went in later on, and he was quick to type my order already and then was going on staring while I was waiting for my order, saying the same see you etc 

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[IrisZion]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree. Coming on to this crush is most likely quite unwelcomed in the work place. In any language.

I also find it condescending to think that he works and lives in England but has to be asked in Spanish because of a language barrier. How did he get a job/apt etc. of he can understand  basics?

If he a had any interest whatsoever it would be crystal clear. It's none of her business to ask personal questions such as "do you have a GF?" and worse, in Spanish as if he's too ignorant to understand in English.

No I agree. I'm not asking any personal things. I am just letting things be and seeing how they progress. However, I am starting to get player vibes from him since yesterday as he was pretty smooth and quick to just leave his barista duties and come over to talk. And my friend told me he was not that nice to her before as she really doesn't like him. I was trying to gage her opinion and she started saying he's rude and unfriendly which is the exact opposite to how he's with me. Though it is true that he doesn't really talk to anyone except hello how are you to 2 or 3 people. But I would take that he may find it hard to express himself.

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[IrisZion]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree. Coming on to this crush is most likely quite unwelcomed in the work place. In any language.

I also find it condescending to think that he works and lives in England but has to be asked in Spanish because of a language barrier. How did he get a job/apt etc. of he can understand  basics?

If he a had any interest whatsoever it would be crystal clear. It's none of her business to ask personal questions such as "do you have a GF?" and worse, in Spanish as if he's too ignorant to understand in English.

I think they get the jobs as immigrants usually make up the major workforce in all such chains. From cleaning, clothing to groceries to coffee shops, London at least has 80% of people from Latin America, Spain, Portugal and South Asia in its workforce in such jobs. Only 20% are other Europeans and British. And it is also through connections. Like his colleagues are also Spanish speaking so maybe they recommended him or something to be hired.

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I am starting to get player vibes from him

Good grief, you make a ton of assumptions about this guy. 

[IrisZion]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good grief, you make a ton of assumptions about this guy. 

Do you even read my posts or are you just here to make passive aggressive comments?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

Do you even read my posts or are you just here to make passive aggressive comments?

Yes, I have read your posts.

There is nothing passive aggressive about my comments. I'm being direct: you have made some unkind and baseless assumptions about this guy. 

You don't know him. Yet, you have implied in this thread that he might be a player, might be only interested in getting laid. In my opinion, you're being unfair and judgemental to assume these things when you have essentially zero information about him. 

How would you feel if the same guy were posting things like this? "There's this girl that comes into my work all the time, and she's pretty cute, but she stares at me and hovers around and sometimes her annoying friend comes in. I'm getting bad vibes, maybe she just wants to get laid" 

It would be a huge reach on his part, wouldn't it?

Edited April 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[IrisZion]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I have read your posts.

There is nothing passive aggressive about my comments. I'm being direct: you have made some unkind and baseless assumptions about this guy. 

You don't know him. Yet, you have implied in this thread that he might be a player, might be only interested in getting laid. In my opinion, you're being unfair and judgemental to assume these things when you have essentially zero information about him. 

You didn't read. I wrote a few things which my friend said about him. Which I admitted is different to what my experience has been with him. However, there's something called initial impressions or gut feeling which everyone gets. Everyone gets that about people not just me. I have a feeling that he could be that sort of dude. I have not said he IS. I said he COULD be. Which can be said about anyone. You just never know. After 3 years of being together, a friend got told my her now ex bf that he never loved her truly and was only with her as he didn't want to be alone. You cannot say a hundred percent what someone wants , and especially if they are not doing more than simply flirting. Earlier people said he is shy but he isn't. Regardless of the language barrier, he's pretty quick and upfront.

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[Wiseman2]

 

51 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

 I am starting to get player vibes from him since yesterday .

That's ok, you're not dating so whether he's a player or not makes no difference. 

[IrisZion]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

That's ok, you're not dating so whether he's a player or not makes no difference. 

Agreed. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

You didn't read. I wrote a few things which my friend said about him.

Yes, I did. 

Your friend doesn't know him either. Does she? 

Also, is this not your opinion? Or did you friend say this too?

50 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I am starting to get player vibes from him

I think you and your friends are both being presumptuous. If you honestly believe that he could be this sort of guy when you've never even had a real conversation with him, just drop this whole thing. It's pointless if you're leading with such a negative bias. 

[IrisZion]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I did. 

Your friend doesn't know him either. Does she? 

Also, is this not your opinion? Or did you friend say this too?

I think you and your friends are both being presumptuous. If you honestly believe that he could be this sort of guy when you've never even had a real conversation with him, just drop this whole thing. It's pointless if you're leading with such a negative bias. 

Anyone who is showing themselves as flirtatious will have an element of being a player attached to them. Girl or guy, doesn't matter. If I was staring and then started chatting and coming over for chats, the other person would assume I'm flirtatious. Then think what if I'm a simply a flirt or a player? Or actually interested? 

 

I dont have negative bias against him. I like him. She doesn't so it's her issue. I still like him just cannot understand what he actually wants. Simple flirting at the shop or something more. The latter does not seem plausible as he isn't doing anything to show he wants to be a boyfriend or whatever. It could be a variety of reasons why he doesn't want a relationship which I can see and understand. Maybe he just wants to focus on work and live his life. Maybe he simply wants to earn enough money to live a comfortable life and serious dating is out of radar. He clearly does a lot of hours and maybe this job is his full time goal.

 All understandable and highly valid.

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I like him. She doesn't so it's her issue. 

Yes, but you seem to be letting her fill your head with notions that might have zero basis in reality. Maybe she is jealous that he seems attracted to you and not her. She doesn't appear to be a fountain of wisdom if she's drawing conclusions based on...practically nothing. You might want to be careful how much you rely on her to provide advice for you. 

And as we've all said - he is not going to be pulling too many moves when he's at work. How on Earth can he show he wants to be a boyfriend when he is on the clock and expected to be professional? 

Let me share a personal anecdote to illustrate: I am a teacher, and I teach primarily adults. My institution has a strict no-fraternizing-with-students policy. It has nothing to do with age (they're all over 18, the majority by many, many years) but rather conflict of interest. In fact, it is written into my contract. Violating that could cost me my job. (Once those people are no longer enrolled, it doesn't matter) One male student, several years older than me, had dropped a few hints he might be interested in getting to know me more. He was respectful, very discreet. I was very attracted as well. But I could do nothing about it but dodge his gestures, as he was still my student. The day came when he finished his program. We bumped into each other outside the building, and I slipped him my personal contact information. I explained I couldn't have done so earlier, especially with my boss and coworkers around. But now, it was fine. He was shocked, he had thought I didn't like him at all. I told him in fact I liked him a lot, but had no choice but to remain strictly business at work. We went out later that week for the first time. He's still my partner today, 6.5 years later. See my point? 

You have been given several suggestions as to how to open a dialogue with him. It's up to you if you're confident enough to take it. 

Edited April 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[IrisZion]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but you seem to be letting her fill your head with notions that might have zero basis in reality. Maybe she is jealous that he seems attracted to you and not her. She doesn't appear to be a fountain of wisdom if she's drawing conclusions based on...practically nothing. You might want to be careful how much you rely on her to provide advice for you. 

And as we've all said - he is not going to be pulling too many moves when he's at work. How on Earth can he show he wants to be a boyfriend when he is on the clock and expected to be professional? 

Let me share a personal anecdote to illustrate: I am a teacher, and I teach primarily adults. My institution has a strict no-fraternizing-with-students policy. It has nothing to do with age (they're all over 18, the majority by many, many years) but rather conflict of interest. In fact, it is written into my contract. Violating that could cost me my job. (Once those people are no longer enrolled, it doesn't matter) One male student, several years older than me, had dropped a few hints he might be interested in getting to know me more. He was respectful, very discreet. I was very attracted as well. But I could do nothing about it but dodge his gestures, as he was still my student. The day came when he finished his program. We bumped into each other outside the building, and I slipped him my personal contact information. I explained I couldn't have done so earlier, especially with my boss and coworkers around. But now, it was fine. He was shocked, he had thought I didn't like him at all. I told him in fact I liked him a lot, but had no choice but to remain strictly business at work. We went out later that week for the first time. He's still my partner today, 6.5 years later. See my point? 

You have been given several suggestions as to how to open a dialogue with him. It's up to you if you're confident enough to take it. 

IT could be that she's jealous. Not ruling that out. Or maybe she made the judgement too early as ice in latte during winter is an uncommon request. Maybe he was in a bad mood and her pressuring him to give her ice and oat milk annoyed him even more. 

 

 

I understand your point but I have to be discreet too. I cannot go up and slip him my number without him giving me at least one strong hint that he wants to go out. Greetings, warm welcome and flirting is OK, shows interest. Fine. But is it enough to seek a relationship? I can't tell. That's why i ve mentioned my ex. As he used to stare a lot but was literally in my face and made it so blatantly obvious (without saying one word yet everyone around us could tell he wanted to talk to me and kept pushing me to go and start first) that I had to go up and ask him out.

You said he can't be unprofessional but yesterday he left all his work to just talk. His colleagues and customers were all around so he could definitely do that. I also wrote about how other baristas and cashiers have slipped their IG handles/numbers and what not to those customers they fancied. As we can see he's not shy, he can definitely do this. But doesn't.

I tried to start a convo today but for some reason, he didn't talk much. Maybe because my friend was around.

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by IrisZion

[Alpacalia]

He's possibly just a big flirt if he's flirty but straightforward about his relationship status and doesn't do anything beyond flirty banter.

Again, it's hard to ascertain because he works in a very customer-service focused field where he must be polite to customers.

I admire your tenacity but if your spider sense tells you otherwise, it's probably best to let it go.

Someone suggested the prospect of abandoning the coffee shop if things become too awkward. Might you consider whether that is something you are prepared to do?

[IrisZion]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

He's possibly just a big flirt if he's flirty but straightforward about his relationship status and doesn't do anything beyond flirty banter.

Again, it's hard to ascertain because he works in a very customer-service focused field where he must be polite to customers.

I admire your tenacity but if your spider sense tells you otherwise, it's probably best to let it go.

Someone suggested the prospect of abandoning the coffee shop if things become too awkward. Might you consider whether that is something you are prepared to do?

So far it's OK and nothing has gone wrong so it's not awkward. He hasn't asked for anything, I haven't so it's OK as of now. He is kind and friendly to me at least. 

As of now, he hasn't done anything which is why I feel he could be only flirting. If he was shy, I would understand that he's shy in doing so but he isn't. Unless he expects me to do something which I can't as it will just look quite desperate and I don't want that.

I think he's casually flirting as he was off for 3-4 days and didn't seem like he cared much that we didn't see each other? 

Edited April 19, 2021 by IrisZion

[IrisZion]

Well he's gotten really weird. Ever since that day, after we had a convo about the sunny day, I mean I moved away after the chat, towards the counter where they give out the drinks, and now he doesn't talk much. He does greet me but I tried talking to him but he didn't respond. I didn't have my bag with me today and I wanted to get served by him but another guy served me. So I tooksome items from the counter and went back to the queue to get served by him and chat.

 Obviously I was also in a fix but they call and put the drink on the counter at the side so I was looking around the other counter too but he saw it and asked the lady to give him the hot chocolate and he placed it at his counter. I went over to him, said thanks  but he didn't talk much, told him I wanted to buy the apple juice and popcorn too and he smiled. Billed me and asked if I wanted a bag and I said yes. The staff were wearing different colored shirts today so I asked him about it (had asked him about the sunny day yesterday too) but he didn't respond.

Then said see you. 

I dont know what's up with him. I try to say things but he hasn't been responding. Is he unhappy or pissed??? I feel me moving away that day made him feel I don't want to talk to him hence he's not initiating any conversations anymore. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by IrisZion

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

. The staff were wearing different colored shirts today so I asked him about it  but he didn't respond.

 

It sounds like a busy place. Try to find some friends or fellow students to chitchat with.

There's absolutely nothing different or "weird" about his behavior.

He's doing his job to get a paycheck. And that job doesn't include being part of your fantasy.

[IrisZion]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like a busy place. Try to find some friends or fellow students to chitchat with.

There's absolutely nothing different or "weird" about his behavior.

He's doing his job to get a paycheck. And that job doesn't include being part of your fantasy.

As usual you don't read and go on with your usual oh he doesn't like you. Why the insistence?? You seem very interested in proving that he doesn't like me nor is attracted to me don't you? You are the only one who has been going along with this "your fantasy" "its in your head" thing since beginning and you are continuously been proven wrong.

Edited April 19, 2021 by IrisZion

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, IrisZion said:

So far it's OK and nothing has gone wrong so it's not awkward. He hasn't asked for anything, I haven't so it's OK as of now. He is kind and friendly to me at least. 

As of now, he hasn't done anything which is why I feel he could be only flirting. If he was shy, I would understand that he's shy in doing so but he isn't. Unless he expects me to do something which I can't as it will just look quite desperate and I don't want that.

I think he's casually flirting as he was off for 3-4 days and didn't seem like he cared much that we didn't see each other? 

Great. It's difficult to say whether he's being friendly or flirtatious, and given the background and environment, it'll be even more difficult for you.

Store employees are usually outgoing and courteous, and they will engage in conversation with you if it is helpful to their business. If they have a friendly personality and charisma, they can draw more attention.

That's why it is important to distinguish between pleasantries and romantic interest.

Does that make sense?