Coffee shop guy and me?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, IrisZion said:

He was indeed really kind to me and in all honesty, seeing him made my day as I have been suffering from depression and have been unhappy since my ex left. 

 I would focus on this. A nice guy in a coffee shop is not a replacement for mental health care or a cure for a broken heart.

Why not talk to a therapist to unpack and sort some things out.

All along you knew this was just a fantasy created in your head to try to make yourself feel better.

 A more effective and lasting solution is to address the underlying cause.

[SaraSays]

3 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I'm sorry if I came across as mean but I didn't really mean to!!!

He was indeed really kind to me and in all honesty, seeing him made my day as I have been suffering from depression and have been unhappy since my ex left. He was really sweet but he tried to explain himself how bad the situation outside was (corona) and wasn't able to. I obviously didn't mind that because I actually found his accent quite cute. 

I was willing to date him as well but he just suddenly stopped coming to work and didn't tell me. I wish he would have said he ll be leaving the job etc and I would have asked for his socials or number.

Considering any sort of relationship with someone who's mother tongue is different should involve us learning their language, too. That's only fair, that we share the burden.

Only you know the truth. My guess is you wouldn't have done that, but it doesn't mean I am right. You could easily ask a colleague where he is and know in 5 seconds, but you're instead ruminating here for extended periods of time. That's why I think you wouldn't have done it.

[IrisZion]

17 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Considering any sort of relationship with someone who's mother tongue is different should involve us learning their language, too. That's only fair, that we share the burden.

Only you know the truth. My guess is you wouldn't have done that, but it doesn't mean I am right. You could easily ask a colleague where he is and know in 5 seconds, but you're instead ruminating here for extended periods of time. That's why I think you wouldn't have done it.

I'm actually starting a Spanish beginners course in 2 weeks so it wouldn't be much of a problem. Quite a spur of the moment choice I made last month , wondered why I did it but I'm enrolled in it now.

I mean I don't want to ask as they will probably tell him haha

Edited April 16, 2021 by IrisZion

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I mean I don't want to ask as they will probably tell him haha

So? 

I think it would serve you best if he knew you like him. 

 

[IrisZion]

57 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So? 

I think it would serve you best if he knew you like him. 

 

It won't work?? If he doesn't work here anymore, it's not like he's going to come here simply because someone told him that I was asking about him?

[Gaeta]

If you enquire about him It will work in both situations

A) If he still works there so he'll know you asked about him

B) If he's not working there, don't worry he's made friends there and words will get to him. Employees all text each other to complain about the job and boss. 

[Alpacalia]

You chose a difficult situation because his job requires him to be friendly and engaging with customers, making romantic interest difficult to discern. Plus, the language barrier.

Next time, if you like a coffee shop employee, maybe you can try creating enough rapport by say, going to the store off hours after enough time has passed, or try to establish one-on-one interaction where you're looking at your phone (maybe to show him a picture of a type of coffee you like) and you can say:

"Well, since we're looking at my phone…can I show you my phone number?"

 

[SaraSays]

15 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You chose a difficult situation because his job requires him to be friendly and engaging with customers, making romantic interest difficult to discern. Plus, the language barrier.

Next time, if you like a coffee shop employee, maybe you can try creating enough rapport by say, going to the store off hours after enough time has passed, or try to establish one-on-one interaction where you're looking at your phone (maybe to show him a picture of a type of coffee you like) and you can say:

"Well, since we're looking at my phone…can I show you my phone number?"

 

Others will no doubt find this to be fine. I wouldn't advise anyone to do this in places they frequent, for the reasons I mentioned previously in this thread - my own experiences are this sort of approach has made things very awkward, if the interest isn't reciprocated on my part.

It has led to me not always being able to sit comfortable in places I previously did sometimes, or not being able to go into them with another man without worrying a bit what could potentially unfold, etc.

The chance was there, I think, when he was speaking basic Spanish to her, to ask him to write a note containing what he was saying, so she could then learn what he meant, and write him a note back. That'd have been playful, and shown willing on her part to care about his mother tongue, too.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Others will no doubt find this to be fine. I wouldn't advise anyone to do this in places they frequent, for the reasons I mentioned previously in this thread - my own experiences are this sort of approach has made things very awkward, if the interest isn't reciprocated on my part.

It has led to me not always being able to sit comfortable in places I previously did sometimes, or not being able to go into them with another man without worrying a bit what could potentially unfold, etc.

The chance was there, I think, when he was speaking basic Spanish to her, to ask him to write a note containing what he was saying, so she could then learn what he meant, and write him a note back. That'd have been playful, and shown willing on her part to care about his mother tongue, too.

Fair point.

It's what she's comfortable with.

[IrisZion]

1 hour ago, SaraSays said:

Others will no doubt find this to be fine. I wouldn't advise anyone to do this in places they frequent, for the reasons I mentioned previously in this thread - my own experiences are this sort of approach has made things very awkward, if the interest isn't reciprocated on my part.

It has led to me not always being able to sit comfortable in places I previously did sometimes, or not being able to go into them with another man without worrying a bit what could potentially unfold, etc.

The chance was there, I think, when he was speaking basic Spanish to her, to ask him to write a note containing what he was saying, so she could then learn what he meant, and write him a note back. That'd have been playful, and shown willing on her part to care about his mother tongue, too.

But there wasn't a chance honestly. As as soon as he said it his colleague called him as 4 customers had lined up and he had to rush. 

Though I agree you don't know how it will be reciprocated and may make the visits awkward for both parties 

[SaraSays]

7 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

But there wasn't a chance honestly. As as soon as he said it his colleague called him as 4 customers had lined up and he had to rush. 

Though I agree you don't know how it will be reciprocated and may make the visits awkward for both parties 

Disagree based on what you've posted here. If that represents the true events, then there were occasions to ask him to write something in Spanish for you to look up. You also had chances since, to learn how to write what he said to you in Spanish, and show him next time that you'd memorized it, or other things you'd learnt, and so on.

Languages are a great way to bond, and are lovely to share with strangers and friends alike. You missed a chance just to have fun learning something, regardless of the outcome, I think.

[IrisZion]

50 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Disagree based on what you've posted here. If that represents the true events, then there were occasions to ask him to write something in Spanish for you to look up. You also had chances since, to learn how to write what he said to you in Spanish, and show him next time that you'd memorized it, or other things you'd learnt, and so on.

Languages are a great way to bond, and are lovely to share with strangers and friends alike. You missed a chance just to have fun learning something, regardless of the outcome, I think.

I already said all this was not possible. He barely had time to talk more than 2 or 3 seconds. I can't force him to stand and talk to me ?

[IrisZion]

Ok so another update. 

He was working again at the shop today. He hasn't left completely but has reduced his hours per week at work as he has found another job at a clothing store to earn more money as long as lockdown restrictions remains eased.

I wasn't expecting him but since I'm addicted to cappuccino, I went to the store regardless. As usual lots of customers as they ve opened outdoors dining and it was sunny today (British and everyone else in London loves the sun), so I was being served by a new member of staff and he was running around, making juice/coffee then he came over to the next empty till and started chatting with me, asking how I have been and how it's a beautiful sunny day outside. I dont really like the sun or sunny days as my native country is extremely hot and humid so told him that and he was like no and laughed. Then I moved over snd he said see you. He also gave me my drink and was once again wishing me good day, see you to which I obviously responded. 

Like I said before, I believe he's just flirting casually??? He's clearly not shy as a shy guy will get nervous while talking to his crush. My ex was outgoing but he used to be tongue tied during our initial days of wooing. You wouldn't expect someone like him to be so effeminate around me when he was such a jock around women. He was never able to start a convo with me on his own and would do weird things to get my attention. Obviously I went over and that's how I got him. 

So since he's not shy and is clearly able to start convos regardless of language barrier, if he was serious or actually wanted something,  he would ask right??

He was taking a lot of risk today as customers were lining up and he wasn't serving them on the till and was chatting with me. I mean he can say he's familiar with a particular customer and earn mystery shoppers bonus (they get this if they are nice to customers) yet the public can clearly notice. His workers, maybe or maybe not as half of them are constantly busy.

Or maybe he's waiting to make the move the more we talk, the easier it is to drop his socials or number???

I do get a feeling that he's a bit fast though.. but he's really nice and kind to me at least.

Edited April 17, 2021 by IrisZion

[Gaeta]

How long do you intent on dragging this before you give him your number?

[glows]

I think the onus is on you to write your number on a cup lid or napkin and hand it over to him. He's working. Are you afraid of rejection or him being offended?

If you're waiting for him to make the first move, it's not likely. At this point (if I were the guy), I'd think you are just there for the coffee because you've done nothing to really indicate any interest.

[smackie9]

Ya so he chats with you, he says to have a nice day and that's when you hand him over your number and name written on a piece of paper, and you say "Give me a call sometime, I would love to get to know you, or would like to chat more." Smile and walk away.

[IrisZion]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long do you intent on dragging this before you give him your number?

I dont want to seem desperate.  As I'm unsure of what he wants. Like I said he's not shy at all. So he could ask? Or write his socials on a cup?

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, IrisZion said:

I dont want to seem desperate. 

Where do you get that non sense? You will appear as an assertive young woman that knows what she likes.

[IrisZion]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I think the onus is on you to write your number on a cup lid or napkin and hand it over to him. He's working. Are you afraid of rejection or him being offended?

If you're waiting for him to make the first move, it's not likely. At this point (if I were the guy), I'd think you are just there for the coffee because you've done nothing to really indicate any interest.

I have indicated interest. He used to stare at me and if I was not interested, I would not speak to him, thinking he's a creep. I now talk to him and I'm always smiling and being friendly. I'm not sure if he actually wants anything as he hasnt done anything in particular than chatting and staring at first.

My friend had the barista give her his IG handle. His own colleague calls me darling, does flamenco style dance while giving the cup etc

[IrisZion]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where do you get that non sense? You will appear as an assertive young woman that knows what she likes.

I have spoken to friends about it who have had similar experiences with baristas and cashiers who gave them IG handles, numbers on cups, papers etc. So far he hasn't done anything like that which gives me mixed signals.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I have indicated interest. He used to stare at me and if I was not interested, I would not speak to him, thinking he's a creep. I now talk to him and I'm always smiling and being friendly. I'm not sure if he actually wants anything as he hasnt done anything in particular than chatting and staring at first.

My friend had the barista give her his IG handle. His own colleague calls me darling, does flamenco style dance while giving the cup etc

This is the same circular argument. You say you've indicated interest but he hasn't shown you enough interest to make you feel secure enough. That insecurity is you. You keep looking for guarantees from a total stranger and comparing him to your ex. He's not your ex. He's someone completely different and he's working. 

 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, IrisZion said:

I have indicated interest. He used to stare at me and if I was not interested, I would not speak to him, thinking he's a creep. I now talk to him and I'm always smiling and being friendly. I'm not sure if he actually wants anything as he hasnt done anything in particular than chatting and staring at first.

That does not show a special interest in him, that only shows you're a friendly customer. 

[IrisZion]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That does not show a special interest in him, that only shows you're a friendly customer. 

Not really though. As when he used to stare, I never really talked to him. He would ask me something about order or if I wanted a coffee/cake and I would respond. Since he began talking, I'm more at ease as I had no idea how to respond to his continous stare. 

And he's the only one I talk to at the shop. The rest don't chat with customers and his other colleague is now at a different shop where I go too as well.

Edited April 17, 2021 by IrisZion

[IrisZion]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

This is the same circular argument. You say you've indicated interest but he hasn't shown you enough interest to make you feel secure enough. That insecurity is you. You keep looking for guarantees from a total stranger and comparing him to your ex. He's not your ex. He's someone completely different and he's working. 

 

I know he's working but he does chat while working doesn't he esp today when he literally came over to talk. If he can come over and start a conversation, surely he can write his number or social handles on a napkin and give it?  If I give him, my friends said it will appear really desperate that I went after a worker. And she had the barista give her his IG on her cup

Edited April 17, 2021 by IrisZion

[SaraSays]

I am curious why you're so passive, If your posts genuinely reflect your approach. You know better than us, of course.

You don't seem to be energised about the possibility, don't seem to want to be playful, don't seem to want to learn a few words of a language you're about to study, in order to have a bit of fun and pass the time of day.

If any of the above rings true, I'd guess being so rigid in behaviour makes it pretty hard for people to feel welcome to approach, even when they'd like to.