My partner always wakes me up

[Sleepyman]

For most people, this wouldn't be an issue at all. However, I've spent time in a sleep clinic in the past and I've made her aware of how important sleep is to me. I don't understand why she would keep doing it when I made it clear how dangerous this can be for me? Sleep is a massive issue in my world- I can't sleep on one side of the bed, as soon as I'm awake on that side of the bed I can't get back to sleep. This happens constantly with her. I wake up on that side of the bed when I went to sleep on the other. She sits downs and pushes me over rather than go around to the other side. 

She can be a little selfish during sex sometimes too, when I get her off, her demeanour changes and she rolls over coldly. I'm left horney and confused as if I've done something wrong. The other day during some heated sex she started crying and it was kind of crushing. I didn't get a decent reason why either, even though I asked her why she cried. She just said - my self-esteem. I don't want to dissect her past so I left it there. I often feel fobbed off when I ask her about something I consider important.

When we first hooked up she sent (she says accidentally) some nudes to her story on Snapchat. My friend caught it and let me know. I want to believe her but her pattern of behaviour is making me paranoid.

I'm starting to worry about this relationship. I love her, and I really want to make this work. So here I am asking strangers on the internet for advice.

Do you think I have anything to worry about? Is she being selfish? 

We're 28-F and 32-M respectively. 

[basil67]

With the sleep issue, why do you allow her to get in on your side when she's been up in the night?   I mean, if you're on your own side, and hold your ground....she simply won't be able to fit.

17 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

She can be a little selfish during sex sometimes too, when I get her off, her demeanour changes and she rolls over coldly. I'm left horney and confused as if I've done something wrong. The other day during some heated sex she started crying and it was kind of crushing. I didn't get a decent reason why either, even though I asked her why she cried. She just said - my self-esteem. I don't want to dissect her past so I left it there. I often feel fobbed off when I ask her about something I consider important.

What does she say when you talk to her about how you feel when she gets her pleasure and then turns off?    Regarding her self esteem and the crying, there's nothing wrong with asking her about it.  Just do it when it's not a sexy moment.

17 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

When we first hooked up she sent (she says accidentally) some nudes to her story on Snapchat. My friend caught it and let me know. I want to believe her but her pattern of behaviour is making me paranoid

Paranoid about what?

[Sleepyman]

She does it while I'm asleep. So I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and then have to get out of bed sometimes as early as 2 in the morning. She said i went over there on my own but in the years before she got here i have NEVER woken up on that side of the bed. Like ever.

Quote

What does she say when you talk to her about how you feel when she gets her pleasure and then turns off?    Regarding her self esteem and the crying, there's nothing wrong with asking her about it.  Just do it when it's not a sexy moment.

She did say she was sorry and that it won't happen again but only after she said she had no memory of a 10 min conversation that ended with a - "well you can f@#% me if you like" after turning over coldly. This isn't the first time she's had memory problems about things that bother me either.

 

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does she say when you talk to her about how you feel when she gets her pleasure and then turns off?    Regarding her self esteem and the crying, there's nothing wrong with asking her about it.  Just do it when it's not a sexy moment.

I feel like bringing it up again now is just going to upset her. 

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Paranoid about what?

Well, that she did mean to send the nudes and just got caught out. I also learned recently that while she told me i had nothing to do with her break up with her previous partner, i learned i was, in fact, a big factor in her breaking up with him. So she lied to me. I found it in a 3 way conversation with a friend. She blurted it out so I asked her about it afterwards and she told me that - I didn't break them up, but i did make her realise she didn't love him anymore.

I know she loves me and i love her more than i can express with words but i need to trust after my past of being lied to and cheated on by family and by past lovers. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Sleepyman

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

She does it while I'm asleep. So I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and then have to get out of bed sometimes as early as 2 in the morning. She said i went over there on my own but in the years before she got here i have NEVER woken up on that side of the bed. Like ever.

Her story makes perfect sense.    After all, if you were properly on your own side, then she wouldn't be able to fit in the small gap between you and the edge.  Take more care to sleep on your own side.   It's not her fault that you take her space.

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

She did say she was sorry and that it won't happen again but only after she said she had no memory of a 10 min conversation that ended with a - "well you can f@#% me if you like" after turning over coldly. This isn't the first time she's had memory problems about things that bother me either.

So it was a one off?  Let it go.

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

I feel like bringing it up again now is just going to upset her. 

Well yes, you missed your moment.  But if it happens again, perhaps kindly mention it the next evening.  Tell her that you'd like to understand and support her.   This is what parters do.

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

Well, that she did mean to send the nudes and just got caught out.

Has she ever "accidentally" sent a batch of nudes since?  If not, why not give her the benefit of the doubt?

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

I also learned recently that while she told me i had nothing to do with her break up with her previous partner, i learned i was, in fact, a big factor in her breaking up with him. So she lied to me. I found it in a 3 way conversation with a friend. She blurted it out so I asked her about it afterwards and she told me that - I didn't break them up, but i did make her realise she didn't love him anymore.

This is a really big nothing burger.   She meant that exactly the bolded.

44 minutes ago, Sleepyman said:

I know she loves me and i love her more than i can express with words but i need to trust after my past of being lied to and cheated on by family and by past lovers. 

It doesn't sound like love to me.  It sounds to me like you're annoyed by her and are looking for problems to justify your exit. 

[Sleepyman]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Her story makes perfect sense.    After all, if you were properly on your own side, then she wouldn't be able to fit in the small gap between you and the edge.  Take more care to sleep on your own side.   It's not her fault that you take her space.

Let's make something clear, i always sleep on my side of the bed. I literally can't fall asleep on that side. I barely move at night either. Like i said - i have problems with sleeping and i have to sleep a certain way...or i can't. And i've also caught her shooing me over on several occasions. I'm guessing you didn't understand what i've written? 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

So it was a one off?  Let it go.

Not a one off, she's done this at least a couple of times now.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Well yes, you missed your moment.  But if it happens again, perhaps kindly mention it the next evening.  Tell her that you'd like to understand and support her.   This is what parters do.

I figured I'd missed the moment. I tell her I want to understand and support her on a daily basis. She says i'm really supportive and i'm the best boyfriend she's ever had in that regard.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Has she ever "accidentally" sent a batch of nudes since?  If not, why not give her the benefit of the doubt?

As far as i know, no. I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt. The guy who warned me last time has suddenly got really off with me and we barely talk anymore. He won't respond to my messages and stuff like that. Adding to my paranoia. It could be nothing and without more evidence, i'm just going to leave it.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This is a really big nothing burger.   She meant that exactly the bolded.

Thank you, that is a MASSIVE relief. It's been taunting me because i told her before we hooked up that i wanted no part in splitting up a couple, and if i had a part in it i would need to back off for a while and make sure we got together once the aftermath of that relationship had settled.

2 hours ago, Sleepyman said:

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't sound like love to me.  It sounds to me like you're annoyed by her and are looking for problems to justify your exit. 

To be honest with you, if i was looking to leave i feel like sending nudes to my mates is more than enough justification to leave someone. I'm here because if we're going to spend our lives together i want to find a way to fix our sleep situation. Everything else was for context. I don't want to end up in separate beds. The thing is - every partner is going to do things that annoy you in some way. No one is perfect and expecting not to get annoyed by someone you live with intimately is unrealistic. The difference between love and a relationship is you're willing to put up with the stuff you don't like because of all the stuff you love.

  

Edited March 30, 2021 by Sleepyman

[basil67]

@Sleepyman I can only work on what you've written.  You're now adding things which you previously omitted in your previous two posts (like her pushing you over), or using words which indicate a singular event vs multiple events (like her being selfish in bed)....then of course I won't understand.

Sorry I can't help you.  

[Sleepyman]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Sleepyman I can only work on what you've written.  You're now adding things which you previously omitted in your previous two posts (like her pushing you over), or using words which indicate a singular event vs multiple events (like her being selfish in bed)....then of course I won't understand.

Sorry I can't help you.  

Yeah, i figured as much given your response. Perhaps i should talk to a professional, rather than someone online.

It's hard to describe a situation in full detail without writing walls of text and you know...forums are discussions that go back and forth and people add new information.

I had no way of knowing you were going to flip the conversation about my sleep problems into being my fault. Hence why i didn't feel the need to further justify what i wrote.

I thought the title made it clear what the problem is here.  

Edited March 30, 2021 by Sleepyman

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, Sleepyman said:

Yeah, i figured as much given your response. Perhaps i should talk to a professional, rather than someone online.

It's hard to describe a situation in full detail without writing walls of text and you know...forums are discussions that go back and forth and people add new information.

I had no way of knowing you were going to flip the conversation about my sleep problems into being my fault. Hence why i didn't feel the need to further justify what i wrote.

I thought the title made it clear what the problem is here.  

It actually wasn't clear. You may know the situation well, but we are strangers that have no idea what's actually going on. That's why it's important to clarify in your opening post and leave details, if you want honest opinions. 

No reason to be condescending. If you want opinions and advice, give details and the full story. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Negotaurus

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sleepyman said:

Sleep is a massive issue in my world-

when I get her off, her demeanour changes and she rolls over coldly. 

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately it seems you are incompatible sexually and otherwise.

Hopefully you don't live together. 

In the future, don't just roll over after.

In fact if you have sleep disorders, that's on you to manage, including separate bedrooms.

Unfortunately it's going to be hard to find a partner, with your sleep issues in the forefront this much, but if you learn to be affectionate and sexually satisfyingly to them, you can then go to another room to sleep.

[FMW]

8 hours ago, Sleepyman said:

I wake up on that side of the bed when I went to sleep on the other. She sits downs and pushes me over rather than go around to the other side. 

I'm not doubting you, but this just seems bizarre.  Sleeping people are hard to move, so unless she's a lot larger and stronger than you I don't get it.  That's probably why people aren't automatically being sympathetic to this part of the story, it's just really hard to understand. Is there some reason that, like you, she only wants to be on that one side of the bed? But with this limited information, I can't imagine continuing to share a bed with someone who is doing what you claim she is doing.  It's just weird. 

As for the rest, it seems that yes, she's selfish when it comes to sex, and there's probably not much you can do about it if you've already tried discussing it.  As far as her crying, if she's not willing to go into more details about it and you're not willing to pursue the conversation, it's just stuck as a question in your mind no one else can answer but her.  

Sending the nudes, whether accidentally (?!) or not is something you either are ok with or not.  And like the rest, that just seems odd.  If she has nudes in her pictures I would think she would be very careful about what she's sending or posting.  But bottom line is either you believe her about it or you don't.   

The fact that you're bringing these issues to this forum means you feel you have something to worry about in the relationship, so it doesn't really matter whether we think you do or not.  These are all issues you have to deal with directly with her.  Just because you love her doesn't mean you can be happy together.  If you want to try and make it work you have to be willing to try and get her to talk about them.  If she won't, there's nothing you can do other than decide whether you want to continue the relationship.

[ShyViolet]

You're claiming that she actually moves you to the other side of the bed while you are sleeping?  That is bizarre and doesn't really make sense.  Why would she do that?  HOW would she do that?  And she's telling you that you moved there on your own, which is a much more likely explanation.

[primer]

My ex used to wake me up when I was sound asleep. I would be in bed sleeping and he would turn the light on and say "ARE YOU SLEEPING?" 

This was very insensitive. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. He thought is was funny.

Your partner does not sound like a nice person.

 

 

[HiCrunchy]

Idk, why not just get separate beds? No reason to have one bed if it disturbs ur sleep that much.

[vla1120]

She does seem a bit selfish. How long have you been together? Honestly, if it hasn't been long, I don't know that I'd invest that much more time with her. The sleep thing would be big for me, as well. Once I fall asleep, if someone wakes me up, they're taking their life into their own hands. Also, for most of my first 32-yr marriage, I worked days, he worked nights, so I became accustomed to sleeping alone. When I married my second husband, I would often go to the spare bedroom once he had fallen asleep because I simply couldn't share a bed. I don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping in separate beds, if it's the only way to guarantee a good night's sleep for you.

You have to decide if this relationship is worth salvaging. Also, I wouldn't wait to talk to her about any of your concerns. Maybe if you express your concerns for some of her behavior, you'll see an improvement. I would especially express to her that you do NOT want to wake up on the other side of the bed anymore. If she's doing something to get you to move over, that's just inconsiderate. Have you ever discussed which side of the bed both of you slept on before you got together?

[MsJayne]

I just wouldn't tolerate being woken up like this at all. She might get away with it once or twice but then I'd just sit up and shove her off the bed and teach her a lesson about being inconsiderate and, frankly, stupid. Seriously, she needs a rude wake-up call because she's treating you with complete disrespect and needs some of it right back at her. As for the selfish and weird sex stuff, have you pondered the possibility of finding a woman you're compatible with?  A woman who doesn't lie about posting "accidental" nude pics?  You're not paranoid, that's your gut telling you to run. 

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Sleepyman said:

For most people, this wouldn't be an issue at all. However, I've spent time in a sleep clinic in the past and I've made her aware of how important sleep is to me. I don't understand why she would keep doing it when I made it clear how dangerous this can be for me? Sleep is a massive issue in my world- I can't sleep on one side of the bed, as soon as I'm awake on that side of the bed I can't get back to sleep. This happens constantly with her. I wake up on that side of the bed when I went to sleep on the other. She sits downs and pushes me over rather than go around to the other side. 

(...)

Do you think I have anything to worry about? Is she being selfish? 

Taking your posts at face value, I think you have a lot to worry about. She sounds self-centered. She also sounds very dismissive of your health and well-being. That plus the fact that she deliberately undermines you when she believes you're unconscious (asleep) and vulnerable strongly indicates that you would not be safe (physically or emotionally) with her in the long-term.

I've heard stories similar to yours. Except that, rather than sleep-related issues, they concerned stuff like someone being dismissive of their significant other's food allergies and "accidentally" giving them food that contained the allergens. 

My sense is that this woman will hurt you more seriously down the road. You had better heed those feelings of unease and end this relationship.

[CalipsoRose]

There is an issue with communication in this relationship. When she said "self esteem", usually that is a prompt to open a discussion, but males sometimes do not like talking so they shut down. But anyway, yeah she seems selfish. Rolling over after half way being done with sex seems odd, definitely a bigger issue going on there that needs to be discussed. I think I read somewhere that men's brains are wired differently so they don't want to talk about these things, but being silent isn't going to help anything. As far as the sleeping issue is concerned, a lot of couples actually sleep in seperate bedrooms for this reason. Its not as uncommon as you might think. If thats not possible, then again, a discussion needs to be had about it.

Edited March 31, 2021 by CalipsoRose

[Dis]

My now ex is a very light sleeper and also suffers from insomnia to a pretty significant degree

 

While I have woken him up unintentionally I would NEVER do so on purpose because you're right...sleep is so important for the body and mind

 

If your gf is intentionally waking you up, it shows a lack of care for you and your health which subsequently poses the question...does she care about you at all if she can't provide you with a basic respect of, let me sleep? 

Edited March 31, 2021 by Dis

[smackie9]

Tell her to hit the couch.