Emotionally Unavailable Man - Never contacted me again after emotional moment

[mimic2021]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

Ummmmm, his wife?! 

He is separated. They are still married. 

[CalipsoRose]

I hate to break it to you but he's not separated. He's still married. He's just cheating. It makes total sense now. Next time, when a guy says he's separated, that is code for I'm married and not separated. 

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, mimic2021 said:

Instead of focusing on how awful all of this was and why he did it I focus on myself and the future. I don’t wish to have him in my life and I wish him well. 

What’s in my control is to work on myself, grow stronger and more resilient from this and focus on my life. It happened, it’s life. 

I am grateful I was able to use this forum as an outlet but it’s time to move on. 

@mimic2021, this^ is a great attitude.  Wish him well, move on and heal.

Lessons learned, it's all a journey.   xoxo

Edited March 30, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

I think you have sussed this out pretty well, OP, despite your confusion.  The guy is emotionally unavailable.  He is still attached to his wife and children AND his ex-lover.  No wonder he is all over the place, his feelings are all over the place.  Of course he wants love and affection but he still feels 'bonded' to others.  If you continue in any kind of relationship with this guy, you are going to get even more hurt than you are now.

Please do not give up your college qualification for him.  He is not in a place to commit to anyone or anything.  He is a mess.

It is in your best interests to withdraw from this guy, never contact him again or vice versa, and make space in your life to meet someone who is available to you.  You said yourself that what he said and what he did did not match up.  You felt uneasy about his erratic communication.  Please trust your instincts in future.  If something feels off, it probably is.  You deserve someone who puts you first not someone who is agonising about all their previous relationships while suggesting you give up your future for him on a whim!

[spiderowl]

On 3/29/2021 at 8:15 PM, mimic2021 said:

I have read your previous comment very carefully. I am grateful for your kind words and that you took the time to read my post. 

It’s just so hard to understand that this man starts this conversation (so at the end of our meeting) out of nowhere. He told me he would - no matter what - call me and discuss this with me again. But he never did. I literally never heard from him again. There is nothing. He left me alone with all my thoughts and even more of his thoughts. There was no goodbye, no kindness and no dignity. I could contact him but I’d rather not. I am too proud for that.

I am not hurt because it’s about him personally. I knew all along I can do better (oh god, I can do WAY better) - it’s just that he left me hanging again. I don’t even know how to cope with this. It makes me feel so unloved, unwanted and disposable.

I spent so much time figuring this guy and his actions out, doing mental gymnastics and giving him all the benefits of the doubt. Everything he did was just confusing, nothing made sense. I can’t make sense of him, nobody can make sense of him. Reading this story is like reading poetry: everyone seems to see something different.

And it could all have been avoided. If he was a kinder, more honest person and if I would have trusted my intuition and intellect more we wouldn’t be here today. If he would have called me and given me an opportunity to say proper goodbyes I wouldn’t be here. 

He knew very well how much I liked him. I genuinely cared for him. You read the story, now imagine you experience this only to finally see him again and have this long conversation only to never hear from him again. I was so naively excited to see him. And so terribly devastated and ashamed when I left. I still am ashamed.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. I am just hurt and confused about all of this. If I think about myself and my future I think I will be more than fine. Though there have been many men in my life there was no one like him: he was so awful at literally everything that I learned so much about myself, what I want and what my needs and boundaries are. God, what a rollercoaster ride that was. 

This is a very confused guy who has dragged you into his confusion.  I suspect he liked you, wanted to spend time with you, was considering more, but was also trying to keep one or the other of his previous relationships going.  He may well have been desperately trying to move on from his previous relationships and was not emotionally able to, hence his saying one thing then doing another.  He could say he would talk to you soon and then an ex could contact him and bang, he's confused again and trying to get her back.  If he had any sense of decency, he would realise it was not fair on you.  If that was the case, he should have said something to you about what was happening,

I think you are right, that he will come back in some form, probably a text or message to ask how you are (because he knows he's blown it by not contacting you when he said he would). If you respond positively, instead of ignoring him or blasting him away, he will try to worm his way into finding comfort with you again.  Please don't let him; he will still drop you if he thinks one of his longer-term partners would have him back.

I don't think you've really misread anything.  You did pick up on the signs and felt something was off.  You can trust your intuition.  You have said all along that you have often felt 'confused' by his behaviour.  That is the essence of it: the guy is confused.  That in itself is a big red flag.  You will know to trust your instincts in future.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. He has too much baggage.

When someone is this confusing and this preoccupied with himself and his past, it's a roadblock.

When you see "keep out" signs everywhere it's best not to see this as a challenge or prize, but rather a warning that it will be a frustrating exercise in futility.

It can be called "emotionally unavailable", but more accurately, it's simply "unavailable", period.

[Calmandfocused]

On 3/29/2021 at 6:49 PM, mimic2021 said:

Thank you for your feedback. 
 

But what did he have from this? If I was the other woman why didn’t he meet me more regularly and just string me along? What role did I play in his life? 

Positive affirmation, validation, an ego boost, and sex. 
 

You’ve given him all of that on his time frame, within his boundaries, and you’ve  accepted the little he can offer you willingly. What’s not to like about that from his perspective? 
 

Think about it. The answers are all there. 

[prince0fgame]

There is a great misconception when it comes to guys. Supposedly guys can just have sex without emotions more so than women. Even though society perpetuates this notion, it is not true. Women are also capable of this. It's called being jaded and guarding your emotions. 

When we all start off venturing into romance as teenagers, we approach it with wonder, excitement, and full of emotion. And at some point we get hurt. The natural reaction is to protect your emotions so that you will never be vulnerable again. The problem with this approach is that you also cheat yourself from the highest feelings of romance. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

So now you have a phenomenon of emotionally guarded people (not just men) jading the rest of the population, and thus creating more emotionless romance. 

This is not true romance. This is half romance. And the sex is not full sex, not half sex. 

When I was a kid, I made it a note to stay away from emotionally guarded females. And it always served me well. That was because I was fully emotionally available. And I knew my emotions would go to waste with emotionally guarded females. I also knew the romance and sex wouldn't feel 100% satisfying.

I advice women to do the same thing. Stay away from emotionally guarded men, no matter how attractive they are. They are not giving you full sex and true romance, but a bastardized version of it. 

True romance can be absolutely amazing. Even if it's just a one night stand. You should always include your emotions and bring your full self into the relationship (no matter how fleeting). 

I see this problem a lot of young females. They cannot understand why a guy would hang out with them 24/7 and then just ghost at the drop of a hat after they got laid. It's because these guys are jaded. But the lost isn't yours. The lost is on them. They will go through life experience half assed romance and never feel fulfilled. 

So how do you screen for true romance? Inspiration. A person needs to be inspired, that is in-spirit, in order to activate their full emotions. So ask him what makes him inspired. If he is completely passionless about his life, what can he possibly offer you emotionally? 

A passionate and inspired man is someone who is capable of true romance. And the same thing goes for women.

True romance is two people operating on the same wavelength (inspirational state) coming together and sharing their completeness. Anything less is a phony version. 

[mimic2021]

A few months have passed and I wanted to use this opportunity to give an update. I am still very grateful for all the advice and input I have received at the end of March.

What happened with this man was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing another person has ever done to me. Looking back, his actions were vile and cruel - there was no warmth, no kindness. Needless to say, after we last spoke in March, he never contacted me again. So did I. 

But why the update? I remember how, at least at that time, hurtful some comments in this thread felt. I felt like a victim, I felt used and emotionally abused by him. My self-esteem vanished. I felt like I was worthless. 

I started a journey of self-exploration after writing my last response in this thread. I looked at how I was enabling his behavior, what I could’ve done to guard myself more and how I could use this situation as a stepping stone to self-development and growth. I learned about self-esteem, confidence, I looked at how to heal parts of my self that were still hurt from past experiences. I started to get REALLY into fitness and lost a lot of weight, switched up my diet (plant based), got rid of toxic people in my life and found a new higher paying job that will start in two weeks from now. I drastically decluttered my life and developed a new mindset - one with more generosity, self-respect and kindness for myself. I promised myself that I would take myself serious from that point on. And so I did.

It was one of the easiest and also one of the hardest things I have ever done. There was a reason this man was in my life, that I chose him and that I wanted it to work out. I had to look at many parts of my personality and my past and that made me uncomfortable. It’s hard to admit to yourself that the way you carried yourself and how your lack of self-respect impacted your day to day life. That’s pain I have avoided for a long time and it’s difficult work that I did without the help of a counselor or therapist. It sucked, but it’s the most important work, at least for me. 

Now, with more distance, I feel like I’ve changed so much that I feel so detached from the person I was three months ago. Obviously, I am still me but I’ve changed a lot to the point that some people don’t recognize me anymore. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him. But more in a sense of „well, wtf was that?“. I still am very confused by his odd behavior. I’ve moved on, though I won’t date for a while. There’s still so much work that I have to do on myself and I still have this doomsday view of love (which I guess is a normal reaction to a situation like this) that I don’t think it’s a good idea to put myself out there for a while. Also it helped me to read in the OM/OW forum. It’s hard to read these stories because they are so similar to my one. 

I hope that whoever reads this comes to understand that these stories most of the times don’t end well - if he’s flaky, if he’s giving excuses and if he’s all over the place, it’s time to dip and save yourself from heartache. 

On a more optimistic note, though, sometimes situations like this are so hurtful that you take more responsibility (as in you SNAP), change your life and find constructive and sustainable ways to approach yourself, love and life better. 

Again, thank you all for giving advice. It sure was some tough love, but desperately needed. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Married?

[mimic2021]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Married?

If you’re asking whether I am married - no, I am not. 

He is married and told me he is separated and single. Some commenters assumed he was not separated and lied to me about being single. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, mimic2021 said:

If you’re asking whether I am married - no, I am not. 

He is married and told me he is separated and single. Some commenters assumed he was not separated and lied to me about being single. 

No, I meant him. Okay.

So what's the status of his separation? Is a divorce in the works?

[Miss Spider]

Red flags were all over the place on this one, but sorry to hear you were deceived like that. Thanks for the update and glad you are working on yourself. Try to stay moving forward/

[mimic2021]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

No, I meant him. Okay.

So what's the status of his separation? Is a divorce in the works?

While I knew him he was separated (his words) and living in his own separate apartment (only been to his apartment he lives in during the week that’s in a different city) away from his wife. They haven’t started the process of divorcing. 

I haven’t talked to him in over three months. I don’t think it matters anymore. 

[mimic2021]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Red flags were all over the place on this one, but sorry to hear you were deceived like that. Thanks for the update and glad you are working on yourself. Try to stay moving forward/

Thank you for your kind words. Yes! I was just naive and inexperienced in regards to men like this. As a normal person (I would assume I am) with normal values and levels of empathy I didn’t understand his behavior. It really confused me. But now I know better. 

I find it interesting that most people on this forum come for the advice and stay to give advice because they were able to understand the patterns of these types of interpersonal relationships. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

While I knew him he was separated (his words) and living in his own separate apartment (only been to his apartment he lives in during the week that’s in a different city) away from his wife. They haven’t started the process of divorcing. 

I haven’t talked to him in over three months. I don’t think it matters anymore. 

I am really sorry.

[prince0fgame]

On 6/30/2021 at 9:47 AM, mimic2021 said:

A few months have passed and I wanted to use this opportunity to give an update. I am still very grateful for all the advice and input I have received at the end of March.

What happened with this man was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing another person has ever done to me. Looking back, his actions were vile and cruel - there was no warmth, no kindness. Needless to say, after we last spoke in March, he never contacted me again. So did I. 

But why the update? I remember how, at least at that time, hurtful some comments in this thread felt. I felt like a victim, I felt used and emotionally abused by him. My self-esteem vanished. I felt like I was worthless. 

I started a journey of self-exploration after writing my last response in this thread. I looked at how I was enabling his behavior, what I could’ve done to guard myself more and how I could use this situation as a stepping stone to self-development and growth. I learned about self-esteem, confidence, I looked at how to heal parts of my self that were still hurt from past experiences. I started to get REALLY into fitness and lost a lot of weight, switched up my diet (plant based), got rid of toxic people in my life and found a new higher paying job that will start in two weeks from now. I drastically decluttered my life and developed a new mindset - one with more generosity, self-respect and kindness for myself. I promised myself that I would take myself serious from that point on. And so I did.

It was one of the easiest and also one of the hardest things I have ever done. There was a reason this man was in my life, that I chose him and that I wanted it to work out. I had to look at many parts of my personality and my past and that made me uncomfortable. It’s hard to admit to yourself that the way you carried yourself and how your lack of self-respect impacted your day to day life. That’s pain I have avoided for a long time and it’s difficult work that I did without the help of a counselor or therapist. It sucked, but it’s the most important work, at least for me. 

Now, with more distance, I feel like I’ve changed so much that I feel so detached from the person I was three months ago. Obviously, I am still me but I’ve changed a lot to the point that some people don’t recognize me anymore. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about him. But more in a sense of „well, wtf was that?“. I still am very confused by his odd behavior. I’ve moved on, though I won’t date for a while. There’s still so much work that I have to do on myself and I still have this doomsday view of love (which I guess is a normal reaction to a situation like this) that I don’t think it’s a good idea to put myself out there for a while. Also it helped me to read in the OM/OW forum. It’s hard to read these stories because they are so similar to my one. 

I hope that whoever reads this comes to understand that these stories most of the times don’t end well - if he’s flaky, if he’s giving excuses and if he’s all over the place, it’s time to dip and save yourself from heartache. 

On a more optimistic note, though, sometimes situations like this are so hurtful that you take more responsibility (as in you SNAP), change your life and find constructive and sustainable ways to approach yourself, love and life better. 

Again, thank you all for giving advice. It sure was some tough love, but desperately needed. 

Congratulations, instead of being a victim, you decided to be proactive and raise your standards not only for how people treat you, but how you treat yourself. 

In the end, how people treat you is just a reflection of how you treat yourself anyway.

If we lack personal standards and let ourselves go, people will unconsciously pick up on that. And this vibe/energy will attract perpetrators. Hence the old saying "The perpetrator and the victim always find each other." However, when you love yourself in every single way, low vibrational people have a tendency to disappear. Or if they don't disappear, YOU would disappear. 

I am glad that you are no looking seeking romance. In my experience, my best romantic adventures have always been unexpected. When I am just living my life to the fullest and enjoying myself, serendipity often happens.

The greatest advice I ever got regarding romance came from a fortune cookie. It said "Don't worry about romance, just build yourself up and you will attract all the right people and things."

When you work on yourself, you start to develop this attitude of I'm not going to chase. I'm not even part of the game. I'll let everyone else play the game of musical chairs where they go through the dating game like water and eventually becoming jaded.

It's not really standing on the sidelines. Only people who are not "self improving" thinks it's standing on the sidelines. It's more like flying above the weather and so you don't feel any turbulence. This is why airplanes fly above a certain altitude to avoid turbulence. The airplane is still flying. It's still going to reach its destination. So yeah, I'm still open for romance, but I am above the game, in a sense. 

For me, being above the game means having a vibrant social life that I enjoy. It is based on my personal hobbies. And my social life already has women in it. I don't need to seek them in a bar or on an app. They exist everywhere as long as I have some type of active lifestyle and not spend all my time at home. 

And in these social environments where women exist, they can observe that I am always getting better, more fit, always improving, and never affected by the "game." What usually happens is that I will catch the attention of some women who are on my wavelength. They are also above the game and believe in investing in themselves every single day. 

In this level of people, people do the exact opposite what normal people do. These people go out of their way to look humble. Normal people go out of their way to brag or gain validation. And when you overcompensate or act insecure around these people, they will shun you from their social groups. It's like high society. You need to be really high value to get an invitation to their world.

And it starts with you. As long as you keep elevating yourself and putting yourself out there, high value people will find you. You don't have to climb mountains looking for "the one." That's actually desperation.   

 

 

[poppyfields]

Wow, what a great update!  Rarely do we read such positive updates so thank you for sharing.

Everything you wrote resonated with me so much, and yes it's all a journey -- of healing, of growth, of evolution.

As you said, he served a purpose in your life at the time, and that should be embraced.  Life is full of lessons and we all can learn from each other; even if at first the lesson is painful, in the end, we come out the other side stronger and wiser.  Just as you have done here, or getting there.  

Below is a snip of something I posted earlier today on another thread.  The situation is different but perhaps you can gain something positive from it.  And continue moving forward with head high, and without bitterness.

----

>>"He served a purpose for you, and you for him, no matter how brief or fleeting, so for that perhaps you can be grateful and cherish the memories. 

Try to not remember it as something cheap and ugly....

You were two people who shared a moment(s), he isn't available for what you need and want for yourself right now, so you're moving on.

But instead of remembering it as something ugly to be ashamed or embarrassed about, cherish the memory and hopefully you have learned and grown from the experience..."<<

Good luck moving forward mimic!! 

Edited July 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[Angelle]

"WTF was that?!" Yes, I've been there, and I've just edited out my own rant, relating to it.

Edited July 1, 2021 by Angelle

[Acacia98]

On 6/30/2021 at 4:47 PM, mimic2021 said:

Again, thank you all for giving advice. It sure was some tough love, but desperately needed. 

I am happy for you,  @mimic2021. 

[Acacia98]

On 6/30/2021 at 4:47 PM, mimic2021 said:

Again, thank you all for giving advice. It sure was some tough love, but desperately needed. 

I am happy for you,  @mimic2021. So glad you made your way out of that fog.

[Fletch Lives]

Like I said before, he has all the classic signs of being on the rebound. It does not mater if he is separated - he's not over his wife yet. You are the rebound girl. People on the rebound are often not ready for love, and are flaky. Find a new guy who is ready.

You are getting a lot of poor advice here (except from the person who said he's not ready). And no, he's not a player, lol - a player would be much smoother than that.

You guys need to google "rebound" and do some reading. This is a very common thing - it can take people years to get over a breakup/divorce and be ready to love another. 

If they can't fall in love with you, there's going to be trouble in paradise.

[mimic2021]

16 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

Congratulations, instead of being a victim, you decided to be proactive and raise your standards not only for how people treat you, but how you treat yourself. 

What a thoughtful comment. Thank you for your thoughts and your input - I highly appreciate it, @prince0fgame.

When I started this process of reflection and change, my aim was to find constructive ways to carry myself with more dignity and self-respect and to be able to create more meaningful and higher quality interpersonal relationships. When I think of changing myself for the better, I think of it in terms of sustainability. I am in my mid-twenties and I am still learning and growing - what I can define as standards now can only benefit me along the way. I understood right away that my pain and suffering was about more than a guy treating me disrespectfully. It was insufferable pain that was years in the making. That's why I had this interest in taking myself and my feelings serious because I understood that if I don't do it right this time, this will always be a gaping wound that will need temporary fixes. I remember thinking that I never, ever want to be this person again. That was the idea and that's where it all started. That’s when I knew that I desperately wanted to break the chains of my past pain and everything that’s holding me back from living a loving, fulfilled life.  

To acknowledge and change our behavioral and cognitive patterns is a hard process that starts with understanding that when we grow, we add new things to our being but most of the times on poor foundations. Growth in my case was more about unlearning and letting go of limiting beliefs, insecurities and my cognitive bias. Most of my personality and how I approached other people and myself, as I know now, was made up out of trauma responses, coping mechanisms and means to fit into my family or to get along with certain people. I played a role that kept me safe at certain points, but that doesn’t mean I have to live out this reality anymore. 

I resonate with your idea to attract, rather than to chase because that was the gist of everything I have defined for myself in the past months. The first part of your comment highlights this idea quite well. When I am not feeling comfortable, have low self-esteem and wounds from the past that make me emotionally unavailable, I will attract people into my life that mirror this. Best example is what happened with this man I met last October. 

To develop a mindset where you take a few steps back and focus on yourself, your hobbies and your career - where, as you said, don't participate in the "game" anymore, was the most beneficial change for me. I decided that it’s for the best to live my life as best as possible without the pressure of fitting in or chasing after love or validation. It’s one of the purest forms of self-love, emancipation and authenticity. I hold the belief that everything that you have written about is the most sustainable and healthy way to approach love and life and that it delivers the most positive impact on one’s life and those lives that we come into contact with. 

I have some mixed feelings about the last part of your comment. While I acknowledge the general idea of “high value” in the context of creating healthy (interpersonal) relationships and think it’s the best way to approach life and love, I also want to acknowledge that most people that don’t fit the criteria of “high value” per your definition are hurt, traumatised or don’t have the resources (or even will/power) to get the proper help they need to heal. I don’t write this to criticize but to add onto this idea in the hopes that it delivers another perspective. While I was and am in parts still hurt by how certain people and especially this man have treated me (and the impact it had on my well-being), I acknowledge that healthy people don’t behave this way - I don’t excuse their behaviour, I offer understanding. 

Being High-Value, per my definition, would mean to life your life as best as possible to attract people that have the same level of emotional health and to avoid situations where you are exposed to toxic/abusive people or in general situations that don’t make you happy or hurt you one way or the other. It’s not saying other people are necessarily bad or low value - but they’re bad for you and offer low value for your emotional health. It’s the conscious decision for yourself and your mental and emotional well-being. 

I will take responsibility for myself from now on, so I don't become a victim again. I will never, ever be this person again. 

Again, your comment was very thoughtful and offered so much great advice. I am very grateful that you shared your thoughts. 

[mimic2021]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Wow, what a great update!  Rarely do we read such positive updates so thank you for sharing.

I remember you, @poppyfields. Thank you for commenting again - I hope you are doing great and have a fantastic day. 

Your comments in March were radiating so much warmth and understanding. Thank you again for reaching out back then and for offering advice. I still highly appreciate it. 

It makes me feel so much love and abundance to write these thoughts/updates out, it makes me feel empowered and ready to venture into life again, especially in regard to my new job I am starting in a week from now. These were some big changes I have made to my life in the past months and I can see and feel that I am way different than I was before. But I also feel sad for the person I was, for I know that I was just a very hurt young woman that was searching for love and validation in places where there was none. 

I resonate with what you write about healing and growth as a journey. I really think it is. While I am at the end of my growth journey for now - now that I have established new standards and new strategies to cope with love and life for myself - I find it difficult to think this man or other people served a (higher) purpose in my life and to sincerely embrace it. There is this part in me that is resentful of this idea. What he and others did was edging on emotional abuse and I take it as that. I think that healthy people don’t do this and I offer understanding, but I leave it at that while at most acknowledging that their behaviour had as much of impact as to be a stepping stone to self-development and growth. 

Thank you for sharing your comment snippets, though! I sincerely wish you all the best. Lots of love! 

[mimic2021]

6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Like I said before, he has all the classic signs of being on the rebound. It does not mater if he is separated - he's not over his wife yet. You are the rebound girl. People on the rebound are often not ready for love, and are flaky. Find a new guy who is ready.

Thank you for commenting again, @Fletch Lives. I appreciate that you took the time to read my post and to share your thoughts. It doesn't matter anymore why he did certain things or what certain things about his behaviour meant. It's over and he is a thing of the past. I have completely moved on and grown from it.