Emotionally Unavailable Man - Never contacted me again after emotional moment

March 29, 2021

12 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it.

Do you think he even remotely cared about me?

Hard to say. As Donnivain said, a good con can make you believe anything. They are very good at manipulating. This may or may not be the case. However, I wouldn’t let it bring you down regardless. Trust me, I’ve been there and it will drive you crazy wondering. It may help to view it as an experience to better understand how some people are. Look for those behaviors in the future and maybe you can prevent a similar scenario. That’s all you really can do at this point.

March 29, 2021

He sounds to me like someone who is cheating and I don't mean on you, I think you are the other woman.
The initial love bombing, the confusion, the hot and cold, the push pull, the future faking, the emotional turmoil, the closeness then the unexplained distance... the ghosting, to reappear again as if nothing happened...
The nervousness, the tenseness, the stuff that doesn't follow, the lack of straightforwardness and consistency, all point to a guy who is stepping out on another relationship.

Edited March 29, 2021 by elaine567

March 29, 2021

29 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

Do you think he even remotely cared about me?

I have many thoughts about your situation/relationship which I won't bother getting into here, as it's not relevant.

What I mean is whatever conflicts, fears or demons he is struggling with are not your problem to fix or even understand.

That said, I will say I do think he cared, I don't believe he was intentionally stringing you along or 'playing' you, given all you have written, that makes zero sense to me.

However, I also think he had residual feelings for his ex. Conflicted men go back and forth, one day they're in, the next day they're out, back in, out, lather rinse, repeat.

It's mind boggling and maddening as evidenced by what you are experiencing now.

I think it's best you not focus on him, but rather on yourself. Introspect to determine why you stuck around so long, giving him chance after chance, to hurt and disappoint.

I will even go so far to say it might be best (for right now) to believe he strung you along and played you, it's easier to move on that way.

Later, once you've moved on, you can circle back on the whole thing and realize he was simply a very conflicted man, who was struggling with some very difficult fears and demons.

Just my take. I'm sorry @mimic2021, I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

Edited March 29, 2021 by poppyfields

March 29, 2021

I don't think he set out to intentionally hurt you or make a fool of you . So in the sense that I don't see malice, there was some caring, just not enough.

March 29, 2021

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He sounds to me like someone who is cheating and I don't mean on you, I think you are the other woman.
The initial love bombing, the confusion, the hot and cold, the push pull, the future faking, the emotional turmoil, the closeness then the unexplained distance... the ghosting, to reappear again as if nothing happened...
The nervousness, the tenseness, the stuff that doesn't follow, the lack of straightforwardness and consistency, all point to a guy who is stepping out on another relationship.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your thoughts. I never really thought it was about his Ex-Girlfriend but more about his wife. He tried to keep me a secret from her e.g. only calling me when she was not home. I always figured that it was out of respect for her because when I phoned for the second time with him, so right at the beginning, he told me he’s single and wanted to make sure I’m single as well.

Maybe they reconciled but I don’t know. He told me that when he told her about the Ex-Girlfriend and they separated they had long nights of screaming at each other (I feel terribly sorry for her and sincerely wish her the best from the bottom of my heart; nobody deserves this). He definitely still sleeps in his apartment, or so I think. That’s what he said. He told me that over the course of last year they were finally able to speak normally to each other again. But he also said that he doesn’t see him ever getting back with her again. Maybe I should add that he lives and works in another city but visits his family on the weekends. I visited him in his apartment in the city he works in.

Maybe I’m really the other woman?

March 29, 2021

50 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

Hard to say. As Donnivain said, a good con can make you believe anything. They are very good at manipulating. This may or may not be the case. However, I wouldn’t let it bring you down regardless. Trust me, I’ve been there and it will drive you crazy wondering. It may help to view it as an experience to better understand how some people are. Look for those behaviors in the future and maybe you can prevent a similar scenario. That’s all you really can do at this point.

Thank you for your kind words.

I highly doubt he’s a con. I think I am too intelligent and too empathetic and would have picked up on that. He seemed to be a kind man with a good heart. That made me drawn to him. The good heart you can’t fake. And I pride myself in picking up on that. I think what happened is way simpler than that. And if it isn’t I don’t think it happened with ill intentions (I hope I say this correctly, I am not a native speaker).

Although I am sad that things turned out that way and I am hurt by his behavior I emotionally moved on already. I just wonder what all of this means because I am overwhelmed by what happened. I am not used to this behavior from a man. That this happened shows that I still have a lot of growing to do. Normally I would have let go in December but his situation and words were so convincing and genuine. There was no doubt in my mind that what happened or his words were untrue. But I always wondered what was off. There was something just off. I remember telling him in December that when he really is that interested in me why he would want to take a break. That was my first reaction. And I remember him telling me: I want this so bad but I can’t. Just give me time.

After all, I would’ve wished for things to go differently. He should’ve known before I visit him how he would feel. Maybe he wanted to try, I don’t know. I don’t get this man.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021
A sentence

March 29, 2021

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Your intellect, your empathy & your intuition didn't fail you. He was very good at hiding the whole picture from you. What you saw added up so you didn't feel the need to inquire further. You have to be able to trust the people you are in relationships with but the best cons know how to make it so you have no reason to question them.

Again we only know your side. We don't know his. There may be things you are still not seeing or that are still hidden from you. When you started to see the flakiness you asked questions & made further inquiry. You weren't passive. But now you just have accept that it's over & move yourself forward.

I think you make strong and valid arguments. Thank you.

Though he, as it seems, carefully curated a picture for me to see I always sensed that something was off. It wasn’t that I believed his situation isn’t genuine. It was just that his words and actions didn’t match. And I am still so confused by his reaction at the end of our get-together last time. It’s just too strong for a reaction for someone you don’t care about or want out of your life quickly. This man seemed so conflicted and confused. He didn’t say no, he didn’t say I don’t want you or I want this to end. His silence now does, though.

The reasons I post here and wanted to get input and discuss this situation is because I think he might come back. And if he does I at least want to understand what happened. And if he doesn’t - fine by me. I still want to know whether he cared for me at all and I hoped that in posting my story one might tell what all of this meant. Because right now I am just confused.

As I said, I’ve never been treated like this before or had a man let me treat this way, but for some reason I got sucked into this. There is a lot of working I need to do on myself. I am aware of my shortcomings and insecurities as well as what I actually deserve and like.

From one point on this became the most toxic, unhealthy and unrewarding situationship I have ever been in.

March 29, 2021

It makes no sense that you stuck around for so long, when it was so difficult to get him to spend time with you, to show you affection, to text you, to show interest in you. This whole thing makes no sense. It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get a man to show interest in you. Do not contact him again. Also, I don't understand why. you were dating a man who lives far away in the first place... did you meet him online? It is always better to date locally. Don't waste your time with situations like this.

March 29, 2021

1 minute ago, mimic2021 said:

I highly doubt he’s a con. I think I am too intelligent and too empathetic and would have picked up on that. I think what happened is way simpler than that.

I don't think it was a con in the sense that it was an elaborate scheme. I think it was more that he's slick in a sense, a player. Not a bad person. Your radar wasn't off in that way just that he knew what you needed to hear. He may have believed some of it as he said it but in the end, he wasn't willing to put in the effort. There was something else or someone else he wanted more.

If he comes back you need to press for some hard truths about his flakiness.

March 29, 2021

I only skim read your Op and I haven’t read the replies...

You are not the only woman in his life! It is blatantly obvious!

Read your op again. It’s all there in black and white; The push/pull, hot/cold, inconsistent words/ behaviour... read it again.

You seem very preoccupied with what he says and his excuses. Never mind that. Look at what he does!

And what he does is not a fat lot in my opinion. He makes excuses, tells you what you want to hear in order to keep you hooked and that is pretty much it.

Don’t obsess about the detail. Bottom line; it won’t work with this man.

Aim for better treatment for yourself and stop accepting scraps.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Calmandfocused

March 29, 2021

24 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I only skim read your Op and I haven’t read the replies...

You are not the only woman in his life! It is blatantly obvious!

Read your op again. It’s all there in black and white; The push/pull, hot/cold, inconsistent words/ behaviour... read it again.

You seem very preoccupied with what he says and his excuses. Never mind that. Look at what he does!

And what he does is not a fat lot in my opinion. He makes excuses, tells you what you want to hear in order to keep you hooked and that is pretty much it.

Don’t obsess about the detail. Bottom line; it won’t work with this man.

Aim for better treatment for yourself and stop accepting scraps.

Thank you for your feedback.

But what did he have from this? If I was the other woman why didn’t he meet me more regularly and just string me along? What role did I play in his life?

March 29, 2021

13 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

But what did he have from this? If I was the other woman why didn’t he meet me more regularly and just string me along? What role did I play in his life?

Did you read my previous post?

mimic2021, as I said, it's best you stop trying to figure him out. Total waste of time and energy. You never will, I promise you and you will drive yourself crazy in the process.

Focus on figuring yourself out. Why you chose to stick around so long, giving him chance after chance, to hurt and disappoint.

Whatever is going on with him, whatever issues he's struggling with (or not), pertaining to his ex or anyone/anything else are not your problem nor yours to fix.

He's a grown man, let him figure himself out.

Again, you focus on YOU.

Walk away from this. Lesson learned. Vow to do better next time. Take care of YOU.

Edited March 29, 2021 by poppyfields

March 29, 2021

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Did you read my previous post?

mimic2021, as I said, it's best you stop trying to figure him out. Total waste of time and energy. You never will, I promise you and you will drive yourself crazy in the process.

Focus on figuring yourself out. Why you chose to stick around so long, giving him chance after chance, to hurt and disappoint.

Whatever is going on with him, whatever issues he's struggling with (or not), pertaining to his ex or anyone/anything else are not your problem nor yours to fix.

He's a grown man, let him figure himself out.

Again, you focus on YOU.

Walk away from this. Lesson learned. Vow to do better next time. Take care of YOU.

I have read your previous comment very carefully. I am grateful for your kind words and that you took the time to read my post.

It’s just so hard to understand that this man starts this conversation (so at the end of our meeting) out of nowhere. He told me he would - no matter what - call me and discuss this with me again. But he never did. I literally never heard from him again. There is nothing. He left me alone with all my thoughts and even more of his thoughts. There was no goodbye, no kindness and no dignity. I could contact him but I’d rather not. I am too proud for that.

I am not hurt because it’s about him personally. I knew all along I can do better (oh god, I can do WAY better) - it’s just that he left me hanging again. I don’t even know how to cope with this. It makes me feel so unloved, unwanted and disposable.

I spent so much time figuring this guy and his actions out, doing mental gymnastics and giving him all the benefits of the doubt. Everything he did was just confusing, nothing made sense. I can’t make sense of him, nobody can make sense of him. Reading this story is like reading poetry: everyone seems to see something different.

And it could all have been avoided. If he was a kinder, more honest person and if I would have trusted my intuition and intellect more we wouldn’t be here today. If he would have called me and given me an opportunity to say proper goodbyes I wouldn’t be here.

He knew very well how much I liked him. I genuinely cared for him. You read the story, now imagine you experience this only to finally see him again and have this long conversation only to never hear from him again. I was so naively excited to see him. And so terribly devastated and ashamed when I left. I still am ashamed.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. I am just hurt and confused about all of this. If I think about myself and my future I think I will be more than fine. Though there have been many men in my life there was no one like him: he was so awful at literally everything that I learned so much about myself, what I want and what my needs and boundaries are. God, what a rollercoaster ride that was.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021

March 29, 2021

1 hour ago, mimic2021 said:

If I was the other woman why didn’t he meet me more regularly and just string me along? What role did I play in his life?

Perhaps his wife/partner was starting to catch on.

Maybe he thought he could juggle a double-life but turns out he can't. Either the logistics are too complicated or he feels too guilty.

Whatever the reason, he isn't the guy you hoped he was.

March 29, 2021

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps his wife/partner was starting to catch on.

Maybe he thought he could juggle a double-life but turns out he can't. Either the logistics are too complicated or he feels too guilty.

Whatever the reason, he isn't the guy you hoped he was.

As someone who actually got to know him I think he’s a very hurt, inwardly torn and broken man. I don’t think there was another woman. I genuinely believe he is hurt and was just on the search for some love, attention and affection. To me he seemed sad and insecure. Someone that is afraid of having someone get to close to him. There was no one else, I think there was just me. But I am confident he gave me all he could and if I was too much or he felt too much he avoided me. And so is he doing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am not the only one being hurt and confused by this. He probably doesn’t understand it as well.

Something about my presence must have triggered something deep inside him, maybe he felt feelings he forgot he was capable of feeling and it got to real. Maybe having me there brought his emotional life into turmoil. As in his words: I want this badly but I can’t. Maybe phoning with me and keeping me at a distance was all he was able to give and to receive. He probably believed everything he said, like a dream that gave him comfort. Maybe he believed he was ready for a new person but he isn’t. And I believe him when he says if it doesn’t work out with you it does with no one. He talked about anxiety and fear. And I do believe him. He was just avoiding - not only me but also his inner life, desires and wants. As someone said earlier, I shouldn’t just listen to his words but look at his actions. If I take a closer look, this is what I see. When he told me all of this I felt something different. He is a man that is scared of intimacy, affection and getting hurt. It was his way of saying: I am sorry but I can’t.

I think he cared and felt something for me. At least I love the idea. There must have been something he saw in me to let me get this close. I think it’s one of those rare occasions where it’s actually about him and not about me. I hope things were and are this way. I find peace with it like this because this is the only narrative that makes sense to me. This is the only narrative that fits what I’ve felt, heard and saw - the missing puzzle piece if you will.

I cannot be mad at someone for longing for love, affection and attention. I sincerely wish him well and I hope he is able to heal. He seemed like a kind and genuinely good hearted person. His actions though were those of a broken, sad and lonely man. Whatever happened before I entered his life is his to dissect and handle.

Maybe the role I played was to show him he needs healing and to give him some comfort. And if I am right about my assumptions I can live with that.

And his role in my life? A lesson.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021

March 29, 2021

6 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

As someone who actually got to know him I think he’s a very hurt, inwardly torn and broken man. I don’t think there was another woman. I genuinely believe he is hurt and was just on the search for some love, attention and affection. To me he seemed sad and insecure. Someone that is afraid of having someone get to close to him. There was no one else, I think there was just me. But I am confident he gave me all he could and if I was too much or he felt too much he avoided me. And so is he doing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am not the only one being hurt and confused by this. He probably doesn’t understand it as well.

Something about my presence must have triggered something deep inside him, maybe he felt feelings he forgot he was capable of feeling and it got to real. Maybe having me there brought his emotional life into turmoil. As in his words: I want this badly but I can’t. Maybe phoning with me and keeping me at a distance was all he was able to give and to receive. He probably believed everything he said, like a dream that gave him comfort. Maybe he believed he was ready for a new person but he isn’t. And I believe him when he says if it doesn’t work out with you it does with no one. He talked about anxiety and fear. And I do believe him. He was just avoiding - not only me but also his inner life, desires and wants. As someone said earlier, I shouldn’t just listen to his words but look at his actions. If I take a closer look, this is what I see. When he told me all of this I felt something different. He is a man that is scared of intimacy, affection and getting hurt. It was his way of saying: I am sorry but I can’t.

I think he cared and felt something for me. At least I love the idea. There must have been something he saw in me to let me get this close. I think it’s one of those rare occasions where it’s actually about him and not about me. I hope things were and are this way. I find peace with it like this because this is the only narrative that makes sense to me. This is the only narrative that fits what I’ve felt, heard and saw - the missing puzzle piece if you will.

I cannot be mad at someone for longing for love, affection and attention. I sincerely wish him well and I hope he is able to heal. These were, in my honest opinion, the actions of a sad and hurt and broken man. Maybe the role I played was to show him he needs healing and to give him some comfort. And if I am right about my assumptions I can live with that.

And his role in my life? A lesson.

This post radiates empathy and care, but it also shows just how easy you are to manipulate. Based on very little actual information from him, you've created an elaborate and imaginative narrative (dare I say fantasy?) where he's just a tormented soul and you came into each other's lives to show him the gift of love. Your brain worked overtime to create a favorable scenario where other women would have just walked. And even now, when all available data suggests that this guy was never honest in the first place, you're still interpreting him as some kind of victim you had to help heal. To be a bit more blunt, you're a mark, and he knew it. I know you're a very intelligent person, but very intelligent people can be conned too.

Please spend some time on the Other Man/Woman boards. You will find hundreds of people who found themselves involved in affairs and I think you'll notice that most of them are extremely intelligent. Intelligence is never the issue. In fact, smart people seem far more likely to have emotional vulnerabilities that others can spot and leverage to their liking.

March 29, 2021

5 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This post radiates empathy and care, but it also shows just how easy you are to manipulate. Based on very little actual information from him, you've created an elaborate and imaginative narrative (dare I say fantasy?) where he's just a tormented soul and you came into each other's lives to show him the gift of love. Your brain worked overtime to create a favorable scenario where other women would have just walked. And even now, when all available data suggests that this guy was never honest in the first place, you're still interpreting him as some kind of victim you had to help heal. To be a bit more blunt, you're a mark, and he knew it. I know you're a very intelligent person, but very intelligent people can be conned too.

Please spend some time on the Other Man/Woman boards. You will find hundreds of people who found themselves involved in affairs and I think you'll notice that most of them are extremely intelligent. Intelligence is never the issue. In fact, smart people seem far more likely to have emotional vulnerabilities that others can spot and leverage to their liking.

I think you make very valid and fair points. But just as I am creating a scenario, some of the commenters do so alike. While I do this based on actual interactions that I had with him over months you guys (for a lack of better word) do it based on very limited information. From a text on the internet.

I appreciate your input and it means a lot to me that you’ve read my post and comment(s), maybe after all I am wrong and gullible and this man saw an opportunity and took it. Maybe he is exactly what some of the commenters described. Perhaps that’s a pattern that some of you see - all the available data. But nobody knows what’s going through his head. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I said this is what I see. I could be right, I could be wrong. I really don’t care anymore. I could ask him but I am confident that this was not the last time I heard from him and one day he might tell me. It’s just an intuition. And even if I’m wrong with that I simply just don’t care anymore.

I feel at this point I just want to move on. I had a day off and thought I think about this and post here. I thought so much about everything and I carefully wrote down all my words. But now I feel it’s unhealthy to think more about this and him. I am going to focus on myself from now on.

I don’t even want to be with this man anymore and I think it was a terribly selfish thing to invite me - no matter his motives - and never talk to me again. Who in their right mind would do this to themselves. These were awful months and though I genuinely wish him all the best I am more than happy to never see him again. And if I do ... I don’t know.

I am grateful that I had the chance to use this forum to express my thoughts and I said everything there is to say. I highly appreciate everyone for their time and input. It means a lot.

March 29, 2021

I disagree with others; I see no proof or evidence that there is another woman involved other than his ex, which feelings remain unresolved. Par for the course.

Anything else is pure conjecture and assumption as far as I am concerned.

What I DO see is a very conflicted man, struggling with some very powerful demons who wanted to make it work, but in the end, couldn't hack it.

I mean, his comment "I want to try this" - men who are not conflicted or struggling with intimacy do not need to "try" a relationship, they simply do what is necessary to date a woman properly and have a relationship. It should not be this complicated with all the push/pull, back and forth, off and on that's been happening.

And you, being as kind and empathetic as you appear to be, wanting to understand and help in whatever way you can. Make it "all better" for him, believing perhaps with your love, he will feel more comfortable.

That's quite admirable but sadly, that is not likely to happen. In fact the opposite. All your understanding and love is doing is increasing his fears. Remember he has a fear of intimacy and the more intimacy you bring, the more fearful he gets.

mimic, all this mental maneuvering/gymnastics you are doing is keeping you STUCK. It's preventing you from looking within and from taking the proper steps to release this man from your heart and consciousness and move on.

I am truly sorry, you seem so kind, but honestly, the best thing you can to for him AND yourself is recognize that you are in a "no win" situation and begin taking steps to move on.

March 29, 2021

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I disagree with others; I see no proof or evidence that there is another woman involved other than his ex, which feelings remain unresolved. Par for the course.

Anything else is pure conjecture and assumption as far as I am concerned.

What I DO see is a very conflicted man, struggling with some very powerful demons who wanted to make it work, but in the end, couldn't hack it.

I mean, his comment "I want to try this" - men who are not conflicted or struggling with intimacy do not need to "try" a relationship, they simply do what is necessary to date a woman properly and have a relationship. It should not be this complicated with all the push/pull, back and forth, off and on that's been happening.

And you, being as kind and empathetic as you appear to be, wanting to understand and help in whatever way you can. Make it "all better" for him, believing perhaps with your love, he will feel more comfortable.

That's quite admirable but sadly, that is not likely to happen. In fact the opposite. All your understanding and love is doing is increasing his fears. Remember he has a fear of intimacy and the more intimacy you bring, the more fearful he gets.

mimic, all this mental maneuvering/gymnastics you are doing is keeping you STUCK. It's preventing you from looking within and from taking the proper steps to release this man from your heart and consciousness and move on.

I am truly sorry, you seem so kind, but honestly, the best thing you can to for him AND yourself is recognize that you are in a "no win" situation and begin taking steps to move on.

I love everything you say! You are right. I can’t heal him and no matter what I do it won’t be the right thing. No matter what I did in the past, it was not the right thing. He needs time and healing and I think he’s doing us both a favor in leaving me alone.

It’s not my task to make him happy. It never was. It’s my task to make me happy. That’s in the vicinity of my control. And I was so sad and miserable the past months because I just didn’t understand. If I would have had this conversation in December I would have let immediately go. He doesn’t need me, he needs time, introspection and ideally a therapist.

I wish him well, I sincerely do. Maybe our paths cross again when he’s healthy and I’m single and he’s single and he can be everything he said he wanted to be for me. I will live my life from now on and oh god, it literally can’t get any worse than this - which makes me hopeful. I will be fine.

March 30, 2021

Hes definitely not ready and he isn't even sure if he ever wants to see you again. I would walk away from this situation completely. Do NOT continue chasing him, it will give him the impression that you are clingy or desperate (even if you aren't, thats just how you will be perceived by him, trust me, been there done that). I wouldn't even hold out hope that he will realize he made a huge mistake and come running back. No. Leave the situation behind, as hard and horrible as that may feel. He has given you no other choice. Met too many men like him. Time wasters and heart breakers. Any excuse under the sun doesn't change their behavior or outcome.

March 30, 2021

9 hours ago, mimic2021 said:

As someone who actually got to know him I think he’s a very hurt, inwardly torn and broken man. I don’t think there was another woman. I genuinely believe he is hurt and was just on the search for some love, attention and affection. To me he seemed sad and insecure. Someone that is afraid of having someone get to close to him. There was no one else, I think there was just me. But I am confident he gave me all he could and if I was too much or he felt too much he avoided me. And so is he doing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am not the only one being hurt and confused by this. He probably doesn’t understand it as well.

All of this would make a lot more sense if you knew the guy on any significant level.

But you don't. You met him in person, what, 3 or 4 times?

Unfortuantely, you've built this up in your mind to be a lot more than it was, and attached all kinds of emotions to it that are rather out of proportion to the little time you spent in his presence. I think your pain is trying to fill in the blanks with details that make his crappy behaviour more palatable. Might there be some truth in your vision of this? Sure. But might there also be more to it? Again, yes. The two are not mutually exclusive, you surely realize.

Point is that you cannot assume to know much about his mental state and why he behaves this way. Just as we can't conclusively state if there's a third party, you don't know him well enough to conclude he's some broken man with avoidant tendencies. You have constructed something that makes it easier to digest, which many of us do when we've been dumped, but you need to keep more perspective next time and pay better attention to the red flags.

Edited March 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

March 30, 2021

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this would make a lot more sense if you knew the guy on any significant level.

But you don't. You met him in person, what, 3 or 4 times?

Unfortuantely, you've built this up in your mind to be a lot more than it was, and attached all kinds of emotions to it that are rather out of proportion to the little time you spent in his presence. I think your pain is trying to fill in the blanks with details that make his crappy behaviour more palatable. Might there be some truth in your vision of this? Sure. But might there also be more to it? Again, yes. The two are not mutually exclusive, you surely realize.

Point is that you cannot assume to know much about his mental state and why he behaves this way. Just as we can't conclusively state if there's a third party, you don't know him well enough to conclude he's some broken man with avoidant tendencies. You have constructed something that makes it easier to digest, which many of us do when we've been dumped, but you need to keep more perspective next time and pay better attention to the red flags.

Thank you for your final input. At this point I don’t think it even mattered why he behaved that way. We don’t know. I don’t care anymore. It’s life, it happened.

The only thing I know is I sat through all of this. With a man that barely showed me interest, blew hot and cold, pushed and pulled and took no interest in how it affects me. There were two involved. I could’ve walked away earlier. I am guilty of treating me without respect, dignity and compassion, just as he is.

His behavior was so inconsistent, lacking of warmth and confusing - instead of making sense of his inner world I should’ve taken a look at myself and just walk. He was just a guy I saw three times and phoned with. Nobody would want to do this to themselves. But I did. And I think it takes a lot of work and introspection to let something like this never happen again. I did this to myself. Though he manipulated me (his motives or intentions don‘t matter) into believing I play a larger role in his life and his interest is higher than it actually is. He made me think this was more than it actually was. And I think everyone can fall victim to that. But in this case I did and I feel so ashamed by it. I am intelligent, experienced and empathetic - it still happened.

Again, at this point I don’t care anymore why he did it. It really doesn’t matter. No matter what motives or his background - it had nothing to do with me personally and it was selfish. Though I find comfort in thinking it was the way I wrote about it - he has issues nonetheless. I pity him.

But I also pity myself. It was a terrible chapter and it drained me emotionally at times. I lost months of my happiness to this. Everyone that has been in a similar situation will most likely understand how much thinking goes into this. Having someone be so ambivalent towards you messes with your perception. It makes you insecure and question everything. Nothing adds up or makes sense. When you finally get a bit of something, anything at this point, it feels like a rush. It’s intoxicating. And then ... he was just gone.

Instead of focusing on how awful all of this was and why he did it I focus on myself and the future. I don’t wish to have him in my life and I wish him well.

What’s in my control is to work on myself, grow stronger and more resilient from this and focus on my life. It happened, it’s life.

I am grateful I was able to use this forum as an outlet but it’s time to move on.

March 30, 2021

23 hours ago, mimic2021 said:

Fair enough. I just assumed it was a combination out of work stress (he works in a high pressure environment), searching and difficulties in finding a new job, stressors in his life (serious illness of a close loved one) and him spending lots of time during lockdown with his wife and kids (he has a seperate apartment). He was always very open with me and made the impression that „things add up“.

Ummmmm, his wife?!

March 30, 2021

1 hour ago, mimic2021 said:

Having someone be so ambivalent towards you messes with your perception.

Watch this. Intermittent reinforcement is one of the most powerful manipulation techniques.

March 30, 2021

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Watch this. Intermittent reinforcement is one of the most powerful manipulation techniques.

Elaine, that video is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve heard about this concept before but it’s so interesting watching this video after I have now understood what patterns led to me holding on to him and this situationship. I will read more about it.

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Emotionally Unavailable Man - Never contacted me again after emotional moment

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