Foresight in Dating

[Dis]

Hey everyone!

"Foresight is the ability to predict, or the action of predicting, what will happen or what is needed in the future. Studies suggest that much of human daily thought is directed towards potential future events"

I see a lot of threads on here where someone has just started dating someone, sees some red flags which are bound to cause issues later, yet want to proceed as if those glaring issues don't exist.

I'm not one to judge as I've done that countless times

But what I am starting to learn more about is, foresight. Having an awareness of how the things we see in our date/partner will effect the relationship down the road. IMO, this is SO important. Without acknowledging  how any current issues will manifest themselves down the road, we wouldn't stand a chance at finding something lasting.

A friend told me she's dating a guy who drinks a lot and doesn't want to tone it down but she continues on with him. And then there's me, getting into a relationship with a man with a kid when deep down I knew it would be too hard for me, yet I moved right in.

The issue is, we tend to forgo logic and foresight in the early stages of dating because we're so caught up in our feelings, infatuation and having hope that maybe, those red flags won't be an issue down the line. That hope, as I've learned is a dangerous thing. The feelings we develop for people tend to soften any concerns that are bound to lead to hard future....yet we put our blinders on and carry on like we have a chance.

If we throw a ball into the air, it will eventually hit the ground. If we date decide to date someone who isn't well suited for us, we suffer down the line. Both are almost always guaranteed.

 What are your thoughts and feelings about foresight in dating? How has it served you? How important is it to you? 

Edited March 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to another LS member

[chillii]

Common sense nothing brilliant about any so called foresight . lf you want a real relationship lasting or marriage then you've gotta be very selective do the hard time and only bother with that choice very few. l suppose going out with just anyone's like so many people seem to do without any instinct or real selection at all, a few 100 of those you might purely accidentally stumble over the right one blindfold by shier fluke. But if you read around so many have been doing just that for yrs and yrs and here they still are with a spinning head and no clearer.

Edited March 22, 2021 by chillii

[smackie9]

Well for me, I didn’t ignore the red flags for very long. I was always the dumper.  But the red flags were never severe like some of what gets posted on here. For me the worse was flakiness and the one that was Mormon/coworker. That was dumbest attempt I ever made. But that’s how we learn about ourselves and don’t make those mistakes again:...learn!

Edited March 22, 2021 by smackie9

[Dis]

7 minutes ago, chillii said:

Common sense nothing brilliant about any so called foresight . lf you want a real relationship lasting or marriage then you've gotta be very selective do the hard time and only bother with that choice very few. l suppose going out with just anyone's like so many people seem to do without any instinct or real selection at all, a few 100 of those you might purely accidentally stumble over the right one blindfold by shier fluke. But if you read around so many have been doing just that for yrs and yrs and here they still are with a spinning head and no clearer.

But when you're in the situation, it's not as simple as common sense

 

If it was we wouldn't have half the issues we do in relationships 

 

There are endless categories of compatibility, if we don't take almost every one of them into consideration then we're back to square one at some point 

[Dis]

10 minutes ago, chillii said:

Common sense nothing brilliant about any so called foresight .

And yes, it is brilliant and magical when it hits you okay??? 😆

[Dis]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Well for me, I didn’t ignore the red flags for very long. I was always the dumper.  

I'm always the dumper too but I let it go on for far too long 

[chillii]

46 minutes ago, Dis said:

But when you're in the situation, it's not as simple as common sense

 

If it was we wouldn't have half the issues we do in relationships 

 

There are endless categories of compatibility, if we don't take almost every one of them into consideration then we're back to square one at some point 

Ya see right there , spinning head , it's all over it. There are not thousands of categories [ ] There's no categories you've been at it too long, there's  only a few people on this planet you will ever be truly in love with, they;re the two you want one of , and there's possibly imo another 3 or 4 that you could be if you were to ever meet them but most of us don't. l'm not just talking about a few flags , they're simple, no brainers. l'm talking about far far far more than that .

 

 

 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
aggressive tone

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Dis said:

 What are your thoughts and feelings about foresight in dating? How has it served you? How important is it to you? 

So yes I’ve gone the route of ignoring flags and plowing on only to pay the price later. But it was a great learning experience.

I’m not sure foresight is the key though. For me at least. You really can’t predict everything, and people can and do change as well. The keys for me to dating successfully were introspection on the following:

1. What are my core values (things that aren’t likely to change)?

2. What am I looking for in a relationship (ex. Marriage? Casual sex? Kids?)?

 

And then I went searching for someone who seemed to share my core values and wanted the same thing in a relationship. And the big one was understanding that only time will answer those questions. You can’t know in the short term whether or not someone will be compatible. So I also at up some “rules” in terms of timelines:

1. At least 4 dates or 4 weeks (whichever is longer) before exclusivity.

2. At least 1 year before moving in together.

3. At least 18 months before getting engaged. 
 

The “fog of love” is ever present during the early stages so thinking somehow we  can all be rational actors during that time sets us up for failure. Tough to have logical foresight when our hearts are all gooey. Setting up rules after some serious introspection was the way to go for me.

[Alpacalia]

Saying goodbye to someone does not imply that you have stopped caring for them; rather, it signifies that you have decided to care for yourself more. I'm not sure if that qualifies as "foresight," but I like it. 

6 hours ago, Dis said:

What are your thoughts and feelings about foresight in dating? How has it served you? How important is it to you? 

 

[Gaeta]

In my case it was a matter of balance. If l dig in the red flags l may have to end the best relationship of my life. The happiness he brought me was too much to let go.

Edited March 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[primer]

I have spent years and years with men I knew I would never marry because of things I did not like. Yet, I stayed with them. (When I was younger, I did not want to get married and have kids anyway. I wanted to party, travel, and have fun.) Things I did not like: drank too much, didn't have a real job, had a kid they didn't spend time with - but I kept dating them.

Now that I am middle-age, I wish I had a partner to enjoy the rest of my life with. 

I wasted ten years with one guy. So many red flags!!! Every time I tried ending it with him, he would cry and I would take him back. I was a fool.

With age, comes wisdom - I think.

 

 

 

[smackie9]

Yes wisdom comes with age. That's why having relationships before you marry teaches you what to do, what not to do, what your expectations are, how to compromise, your wants, your needs, etc. It prepares us for a more successful marriage. So if we learn, we grow, we go forward wiser. I feel it's necessary to fail in your relationships in some way or another before you meet the one.

The red flags are not so evident when things start out am I right? It's when we are in the thick of it, we hang on too tightly.

Edited March 22, 2021 by smackie9

[central]

I think too many people ignore the problems, because it is hard to find someone even reasonably compatible, and many also do not want to be alone.  So, it's hard to move on and face the search once more.  Of course, getting in deeper seldom works out in these cases in the long run, so they'll split up when it's even more emotionally hurtful, or they marry, have kids, and then divorce.

Experience (a.k.a. wisdom) can help avoid problem people, but without emotional resilience it will still be hard to break off with poor matches.  It can take a lot of self work to manage that, and I spent a lot of time figuring myself out when I got back into dating after (finally!) divorcing my ex.  It paid off in knowing what kind of woman would be good for me, and helped me focus on that goal and move on quickly from anyone who did not meet those criteria.  Common sense matters, of course, but I'll agree with the OP that foresight is valuable.  Being able to project how someone's character and traits will develop within a relationship over time can help avoid (or sometimes affirm) a relationship.

[Cookiesandough]

I’ve never ignored anything I consider red flags. I’m really sensitive to it and I can’t. I guess some would call it too picky, but I think it’s the reason I’ve never been with an abuser, addict, cheater, or been used or dumped. There’s nothing special about me 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Lotsgoingon]

The first thing that allows for foresight is comfort and confidence in our lives as single people.

If you have a good single life, you really don't "need" to date someone to be happy and you're not as desperate to date. Sure you may want to date, but you don't walk around saying to yourself "My life sucks."  Walking around thinking "my life sucks" and thinking that dating will miraculously fix our sucky life is a disastrous mindset to bring into a relationship. And no one relationship, even a fantastic romance, with "fix" our life. And why would someone want to date us if our lives are sucky?

Setting firm boundaries--AKA being able to say NO-- definitely help with choosing a good partner. If we can honestly say "no" without feeling tormented and guilty and all of that, that's fantastic for being discriminating in partners.  And there's another aspect to good boundaries--just sharing our own real opinions about things. We don't wanna pretend we like the other's music preferences or food preferences or hobbies if we don't. If a relationship is going to work, it's got to fit both people as real people. Hiding our own opinions to be agreeable just gets us in a lot of trouble. 

Doing that dodge when someone asks us "what do you want to eat" (the dodge where we say "I don't care" or "I like anything") is totally hiding. We ought to make ourselves state some preferences. We ought to be in tune with ourselves enough to call up a preference and then to speak it. That's all part of good boundaries. BTW: if you went back and month and thought about where you ordered food from, you do have preferences. Why not state them when asked!? We're not insisting on our preference when we are asked the question. 

Stating our preferences when asked is fantastic practice for being real in relationship. Instead of worrying about being offensive, instead of becoming little kids who expect mommy or daddy or some authority figure to take over, we can step up and speak our own truths .

The truth is a good relationship good can handle differences in taste. So it makes no sense to try to be so agreeable and to focus on similarities at the start of things.  Can't tell you how amazing it was to discover that opinions I had been suppressing were quite appreciated when I started sharing them. I'm not saying you need to speak your most controversial politic views on your first date--though in fact, you might want to if politics is a serious thing for you. . 

We also need to stop seeing dates that don't go anywhere as failures. Most people we meet will not fit well in romantic relationship with us. Therefore, most of our dates SHOULD "fail" in the sense that we don't want to pursue a relationship. That's not failure in the conventional sense. No reason to be demoralized because of the assumption that things were supposed to work out.  No they're not: we're not meant for romance with most people. Just look around at neighbors or work colleagues or friends and think of how many people you might really want to get with if they weren't already in relationship.

We might want to flirt with a lot of people, even sleep with a number of people. We would not be rushing to seriously date most of the people we know if they were all available. So most dates should NOT work out if we're setting real standards. 

 

 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[divegrl]

Become clear on what you are really looking for in a partner. 
 

Then you can cross off guys before any emotions/feelings develop.  
 

A couple years ago my friend told me, “You will never meet the right guy, if you are always with the wrong one.”  
 

This stuck with me, and I got really clear on what I wanted.  And only dated men that were compatible  

 

Hope this helps.  Have a beautiful day!

 

[dramafreezone]

14 hours ago, Dis said:

 

 

The issue is, we tend to forgo logic and foresight in the early stages of dating because we're so caught up in our feelings, infatuation and having hope that maybe, those red flags won't be an issue down the line. That hope, as I've learned is a dangerous thing. The feelings we develop for people tend to soften any concerns that are bound to lead to hard future....yet we put our blinders on and carry on like we have a chance. 

 

 

I mean you pretty much nailed it.  Foresight doesn't really help a ton if you meet someone and you have a really high level of attraction to them right off the bat.  If this guy is inherently great, then that's fantastic.  If not, oxytocin will convince you that he'll change, or that it's just a phase he's going through.

I think a lot of people that run into issues with ignoring red flags have a "type" of man/woman that they like, and they don't deviate much if at all from that type.  So if that type comes with an inherent issue, then they're powerless to avoid it because they have to date their "type."  People often confuse an initial high level of attraction with compatibility, so if they don't feel that, then they think that they're not compatiable, which is nonsense.

I think it helps to cast a wide net and date people that you would not normally date.  Love can develop over time even if feelings are not that high at first, so while feelings are developing you're able to more clearly see issues that would be dealbreakers and you can safely sidestep these people.

Edited March 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

I can't really speak to dating, as it's been a while. BUT I can say from experience with people in other areas - if something makes you pause and go "hmmm" there's this tendency to gloss over it. Given how prone people (generally) can be to duplicity, double standards, and simply not recognizing their own and others' weaknesses, when you see a "hmmm" moment retain your memory of it and really examine it in your mind.

Decide what it might mean about the person, how likely that issue probably is, and how big of a red flag it might be. DON'T jump to conclusions, but do retain your focus on the warning sign in the background and keep half an eye out for additional flags/issues. It can be better to walk away early then having to extricate yourself later and/or finding yourself in a sudden major sh*tstorm that you realize, in hindsight, you could have actually seen coming.

Happens to the best of us, I would say, which is reason to keep your guard up. Also be aware that some abusive types apparently wait until they feel like they have you "right where they want you" before they start up. So it certainly possible to not find out until later, and even for a partner who was genuinely good for a long time to suddenly/unexpectedly turn a corner and start acting like a different person. I've seen that happen close up with an acquantance. So once you are confident and feel safe, allow yourself to feel safe, but also always have a backup plan for re-establishing your independence JIC it become necessary.

[Dis]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I can't really speak to dating, as it's been a while. BUT I can say from experience with people in other areas - if something makes you pause and go "hmmm" there's this tendency to gloss over it. Given how prone people (generally) can be to duplicity, double standards, and simply not recognizing their own and others' weaknesses, when you see a "hmmm" moment retain your memory of it and really examine it in your mind.

Decide what it might mean about the person, how likely that issue probably is, and how big of a red flag it might be. DON'T jump to conclusions, but do retain your focus on the warning sign in the background and keep half an eye out for additional flags/issues. It can be better to walk away early then having to extricate yourself later and/or finding yourself in a sudden major sh*tstorm that you realize, in hindsight, you could have actually seen coming.

Happens to the best of us, I would say, which is reason to keep your guard up. Also be aware that some abusive types apparently wait until they feel like they have you "right where they want you" before they start up. So it certainly possible to not find out until later, and even for a partner who was genuinely good for a long time to suddenly/unexpectedly turn a corner and start acting like a different person. I've seen that happen close up with an acquantance. So once you are confident and feel safe, allow yourself to feel safe, but also always have a backup plan for re-establishing your independence JIC it become necessary.

Yes! It's the thing we gloss over that becomes a major issue later

 

If it's cause for concern now...it's a problem for sure. Like you said, freeze that passing concern and examine it so it doesn't bite you in the butt later because God knows it probably will.

[poppyfields]

For me, it's not about ignoring red flags, it's about not recognizing red flags (at the time); that and how the hell can I dump a man I am utterly infatuated and enthralled with?

Great in theory but the reality is, it's just not gonna happen.  Call it temporary insanity, an addiction, whatever. 

I own it, accept it and if/when I get hurt because of it, I am grateful for the experience, and learn from it.

I truly do feel that way, no regrets.   Life is for living, not avoiding, if we get hurt, so be.  

We live, we love, we learn.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Actually I had a great conversation with one of my exes about paying attention little odd stuff on a date. 

We agreed: pause and linger over ANYTHING that strikes us as odd. Anything. If it makes you uncomfortable or hits an odd note, pay attention.  The mistake people make early on is to deliberately ignore, minimize that odd feeling we get. And to hide behind "I don't understand." Probably not a big deal. I don't understand why he/she would do that. 

This is where our intuition and body are much better evaluators at this point. The body picks up odd stuff really fast. Might take days before the rational mind catches up. Oh yeah, there was something odd about the way this guy smiled at the waitress. It was a bit too long, too intense. Takes the rational brain days to tease out that kind of weirdness bur our bodies would pick it up right away. 

The way I see this now: trust the negative intuitions and be curious about them. Do not fully trust the positive intuitions. Or: trust strong feelings only as far as the next one or two dates. The human infatuation app randomly fires, and does not predict well who we will really connect with after 6 months or after a year or two years. 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Brooke02]

Red flags don’t always show up at the beginning. During the honeymoon phase IMO a lot of things are not genuine. Everyone is on their best behavior & trying to impress the other. So by the time some red flags come out you might already have feelings & write the flags off as not as important.

For example the guy I just ended it with, at the beginning he would attend my family events & do other stuff with me. After the honeymoon phase he told me he it made him uncomfortable because of the way he was brought up as a kid.  Well If I would’ve known that at the beginning it would’ve been a deal breaker for me... yet I stuck around for 6 years. Also a lot of red flags might not be present until you actually live with the person.

[poppyfields]

@Brooke, you would not have stuck around in the 'beginning' despite being infatuated and enthralled, in utter limernce?  

Which is how it typically is, isn't it?  Who can make wise decisions while in this state?  I'd like to think I can, but realistic enough to know I cant, and that's ok imo.

While in the honeymoon stage, it's normal to want to do things we typically wouldn't want to do, its temporary insanity.  Lol 

 

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Which is how it typically is, isn't it?  Who can make wise decisions while in this state?  I'd like to think I can, but realistic enough to know I cant, and that's ok imo.

While in the honeymoon stage, it's normal to want to do things we typically wouldn't want to do, its temporary insanity.  Lol 

 

This is exactly right. Which is why, sure enjoy it, but don’t make any commitments until enough time has passed. 

[poppyfields]

46 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is exactly right. Which is why, sure enjoy it, but don’t make any commitments until enough time has passed. 

I dunno Weezy, I was thinking maybe it's best to make a commitment even get married while in this state; that way you're sort of forced to work issues out, even rediscover those early honeymoon days.

Versus breaking up and running off to find someone new to feel the madness with, lol.

There is a reason I just posted that; I just met a couple while at the pool today, they look to be in 60s-70s and they were so cute!!  Literally all over each other like teenagers! 

They had just met one month ago, a "love/lust at first sight" and they got married last week!  A mere three weeks after they met.  My guess is they will be together forever. 

There's more, I'll start a thread later or tomorrow, but I'm thinking that's the way to do it, I'm being serious. ❤️

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields