Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

[SpecialJ]

20 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It sounds as if you're reinforcing what I already believe, that well-adjusted women want a man that has a full life and doesn't want or expect her to be the center of his life, but to be a significant part of it.

My opinion is they want to be prioritized but not to the point of codependency. 

[chillii]

Same , my lady loves it , but she understands too that l have my own things as well she's cool with that and she does too.

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, chillii said:

At any rate though yeah there really are like feelers and signals we put out when we're open , open and looking without looking kinda thing , especially women.

Yup that's actually happening to me now, currently after I split with my ex.

I am definitely NOT looking, but yet still open and friendly with the men I meet, especially here at the office (which is where I spend most of my time these days besides my home).  In fact, three men in two days have come into the office (I am here alone) and big time flirted with me, one could not stop staring at me and suggested we have coffee!

Note I did not give off any "signals" that I am looking to date let alone seeking a relationship, but it's always good to have a positive and approachable vibe, no matter what frame of mind you're in.

You just never know what awaits you just around the corner, even when not specifically looking. 😂

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

So what happens when you get kids of your own?  Eventually that's going to happen, where kids, aging parents are going to get more of her time.  That's what a family is about.  It doesn't sound like your comfortable at all with having to deal with anything but the woman, and if any adversity hits the relationship fails.

The OP is not looking to have kids, he is not in that age group, he is dating empty nesters. at least 40+
Women whose kids  have all grown up and left home, kids who have hopefully left the area too.
He wants a true companion someone to spend quality time with.
He doesn't want a woman with a high powered job who gets home at 10 pm stressed and exhausted or who is working all evening from her laptop.
He wants a 9-5 woman who leaves her work in the workplace.
He doesn't want a woman with lots of family commitment, he does not want her tending 24/7 to ageing parents or dysfunctional siblings or whiny kids.
He wants a person who has time to focus on the relationship.
He doesn't want " here today, gone tomorrow" women who want casual, he wants a woman who is sure she wants a monogamous relationship. Not one chomping at the bit to get with other men...
I know many will shout co-dependent but he just wants a peaceful life at home and out and about with his woman, and that is really often where happiness is truly found.

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP is not looking to have kids, he is not in that age group, he is dating empty nesters. at least 40+
Women whose kids  have all grown up and left home, kids who have hopefully left the area too.
He wants a true companion someone to spend quality time with.
He doesn't want a woman with a high powered job who gets home at 10 pm stressed and exhausted or who is working all evening from her laptop.
He wants a 9-5 woman who leaves her work in the workplace.
He doesn't want a woman with lots of family commitment, he does not want her tending 24/7 to ageing parents or dysfunctional siblings or whiny kids.
He wants a person who has time to focus on the relationship.
He doesn't want " here today, gone tomorrow" women who want casual, he wants a woman who is sure she wants a monogamous relationship. Not one chomping at the bit to get with other men...
I know many will shout co-dependent but he just wants a peaceful life at home and out and about with his woman, and that is really often where happiness is truly found.

That's extremely tough to find, particularly the family commitment part.

[cyphorX]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

If you are single I would not call them successful. They failed. Even if they lasted a while in time, they still failed. Probably because they started with fireworks and we know what happens to fireworks. I don't know your age but I think you're mature enough to understand that fireworks are not something you build a lasting relationship on. 

 actually I did say "MORE SUCCESSFUL" as in compared to the busy women where those relationships rarely last more than a few weeks or months because it gets old hardly getting to see them.

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with this, and most of what you've espoused on this thread DFZ.  Which is one reason why I dislike OLDing, it's so contrived, knowing before even meeting why you're there, on the app -- to connect and date, have a relationship.  It just seems so forced, it's unnatural imo.

It takes all the spontaneity out of it, the wondering, the mystery - does he like me, will he ask me out?  Etc etc.   I met my ex on a dating app, but I don't think I will ever be going that route again and in retrospect, we didn't work out anyway.

Just gonna go about my business, and meeting men organically and if there's a mutual click, allowing it to play out.

As you said DFZ, meeting while not intentionally looking, and feeling a mutual attraction when I least expect it, best way to meet IMHO! 

 

 

 I like spontaneous but I hate mystery, I'm not much of a gambler, I know the types I have a better chance with based on lifetime experience of being accepted and rejected by different types so I seek those types out that I most often have some level of success with, as we get older we learn the types who are usually attracted to us and try to find the closest among those to what we seek.  

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I have a hard time following you. When you say after the honeymoon phase you're talking how long?  3 months? 6 months?

Life happens, for everybody, except after that honeymoon phase you are suppose to be facing these life events together. You talk about how you are devoted but you're not really if you bail each time life gets tough. When I was with my ex and my adult daughter called because her car broke down or once she had an accident, my ex was the first one dressed up to go help her. My parents are too old to drive over here for Xmas, my ex drove the 20 hour trips to get them and each year he was the first to volunteer we get. We faced life and each other's responsibilities together.

 I'm the same way as your ex when I feel like my SO is devoted to me as well, one of my EX's I spent a weekend helping her stepdad building wheelchair ramps and wooden pathways throughout their property in 100+ degree heat, and many other things like that over our 4-1/2 years together, but she always SHOWED that she wanted me, we spent ever night together, traveled together, then her grown kids started having issues and moving back home at the same time she had to switch jobs and I hardly got to see her(a few days a week at most)

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

So what happens when you get kids of your own?  Eventually that's going to happen, where kids, aging parents are going to get more of her time.  That's what a family is about.  It doesn't sound like your comfortable at all with having to deal with anything but the woman, and if any adversity hits the relationship fails.

You can not up your game, but then again, you're the one that felt the need to create this thread.  Obviously you're not satisifed with the state of your dating, but you don't think you have any room to improve?  If not, you have to accept your results.  You are what you attract.

Sorry to say, none of this makes a guy a catch.  There are plenty of guys with all of these qualties that haven't had a date in 5 years.  And I would guess that every woman in this thread has been madly in love with someone that has cheated on them, has canceled dates, made them their last priority, and was emotionally unavailable, and many of them have dating more than one of these guys.  That should tell you right there that what women see as a catch is separate from those qualities.  Those are nice-to-have qualities, qualities that womeen love to see in guys that they already find attractive due to their looks, their confidence, ambition, charisma, wealth, passion, or whatever combination of these qualities the woman values.

You're not some awful person, and if you've gotten that impression then that wasn't my intent to paint you as such.  I hope you find what you want.

 My kids are grown, I thought when I got older there would be fewer single mothers in my dating pool, but it seems a lot of women in my age group waited until their 30's -40's to even start having kids my oldest was 18 when I was 40 and yet I was meeting women in there 30, 40, even 50's with little kids at home also many who had grandkids and kids roughly the same age as they had that last kid right before there divorce

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Just wanted to add - to the OP and others who choose to date only those who are seeking relationships, I think you’re limiting yourself.

Why not stay open to all possibilities and opportunities?  A man or woman seeking a relationship is not a guarantee that they will want a relationship with you, nor does seeking casual guarantee they will continue to only want casual, with you.

Why not open yourself up to all sorts of different dating experiences and adventures?

Sure, there are disappointments on both sides of that equation, meaning just because one or two guys or ladies who were seeking casual didn’t eventually want a relationship, does NOT mean all men/women initially seeking casual will feel that way.  You just weren’t the right fit, and chances are he/she wasn’t the right fit for you either.

Same with men (or women) seeking relationships.  There has to be the right blend of characteristics, combined with a certain energy/chemistry that cause someone to want a relationship.

I think announcing you’re seeking a relationship right outta the gate is premature, and takes all the spontaneity and mystery out of it, which has been proven to increase attraction, possibly leading to what you claim to want – a relationship.

Detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey!

  I actually hate the journey,  Remember dating is not that fun for everyone, some people enjoy being in a relationship but find the search and courtship phase grueling. 

44 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

OP, it sounds like your relationships end when they're no longer completely on your terms. You shouldn't need to settle or apologize for what you want, but once you're invested and building the relationship with someone, it can't be my way or the highway for it to last. There needs to be teamwork to compromise, do conflict resolution together, and sort through stress and problems without worrying about disagreements or life circumstances changes likely meaning breakups. It's not feasible unless you're not looking for a lifelong commitment. A woman getting laid off or having aging parents that she needs to help out with shouldn't be tanking your relationships because by that point, if it's been long-term why aren't you a team? Some people need a bit of time to react and adjust to stress, and when one partner isn't at 100% the other may have to compensate. That shouldn't be the default situation, but when times temporarily get tough that's how people choose to get through it together. 

 

It sounds like you want a woman to fulfill a lot of roles for you that one person simply can't. She can't provide you everything emotionally and not have time to be a person herself, too. Part of that is you having other connections, friends or family, and also being able to lean on yourself when she gets busy and not worry that means she's not committed enough or cheating. You sound like you bring a lot to the table, but a solid older woman who wants a relationship probably wants a partner who doesn't see their time together as conditional based on life circumstance. Otherwise, whether you intend it to or not, it'll seem to her that you don't have a secure foundation and you might be one foot out if something goes wrong, and that's not going to be a sustainable partnership. 

 

So you can keep your criteria, because you seem to know what you want. But if you want things to last once you find her, you may want to reconsider how much you're placing on and expecting from your partner, and if that's going to be reasonable for the quality of woman you're expecting. There are women who will go for this, but I don't think it's the ones you want. 

  All I want is a relationship where we equally enjoy each others company, yes that may be rare but anything less would be settling.

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It sounds as if you're reinforcing what I already believe, that well-adjusted women want a man that has a full life and doesn't want or expect her to be the center of his life, but to be a significant part of it.

 If my life is full there would be no room for her.

6 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

My opinion is they want to be prioritized but not to the point of codependency. 

 I feel that way also.

[cyphorX]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP is not looking to have kids, he is not in that age group, he is dating empty nesters. at least 40+
Women whose kids  have all grown up and left home, kids who have hopefully left the area too.
He wants a true companion someone to spend quality time with.
He doesn't want a woman with a high powered job who gets home at 10 pm stressed and exhausted or who is working all evening from her laptop.
He wants a 9-5 woman who leaves her work in the workplace.
He doesn't want a woman with lots of family commitment, he does not want her tending 24/7 to ageing parents or dysfunctional siblings or whiny kids.
He wants a person who has time to focus on the relationship.
He doesn't want " here today, gone tomorrow" women who want casual, he wants a woman who is sure she wants a monogamous relationship. Not one chomping at the bit to get with other men...
I know many will shout co-dependent but he just wants a peaceful life at home and out and about with his woman, and that is really often where happiness is truly found.

 THANK YOU!!!!!  you hit the nail on the head.

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

That's extremely tough to find, particularly the family commitment part.

 Hence my frustration with modern dating, where thole thing seems stacked against a pleasant low stress, emotionally rewarding, fun, passionate relationship. 

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP is not looking to have kids, he is not in that age group, he is dating empty nesters. at least 40+
Women whose kids  have all grown up and left home, kids who have hopefully left the area too.
He wants a true companion someone to spend quality time with.
He doesn't want a woman with a high powered job who gets home at 10 pm stressed and exhausted or who is working all evening from her laptop.
He wants a 9-5 woman who leaves her work in the workplace.
He doesn't want a woman with lots of family commitment, he does not want her tending 24/7 to ageing parents or dysfunctional siblings or whiny kids.
He wants a person who has time to focus on the relationship.
He doesn't want " here today, gone tomorrow" women who want casual, he wants a woman who is sure she wants a monogamous relationship. Not one chomping at the bit to get with other men...
I know many will shout co-dependent but he just wants a peaceful life at home and out and about with his woman, and that is really often where happiness is truly found.

17 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

 THANK YOU!!!!!  you hit the nail on the head.

 Hence my frustration with modern dating, where thole thing seems stacked against a pleasant low stress, emotionally rewarding, fun, passionate relationship. 

Of course, it's the stuff of unicorns.

We're talking about my generation of woman.  Mid 50's and over.  Problem is, the woman who's kids have grown up and left home now has 80yo parents who need caring for.   Caring for old family constant topic of conversation/frustration among my peers.   And, statistically, the majority of unpaid caring is done by women.   And it's done by women who work 9-5 or part time because they are the ones who are seen as being able to take time off work to support their parents, help with shopping, take them to appointments when they need it.   The high income earners "need to work", so they are off the hook.   This exact thing plays out in my family, where my retired sisters in law care for my FIL, while hubby works.

Yes, you can further narrow your search criteria to include women who's parents are already dead, but you're young enough that this will not be a common outcome.   

@cyphorX  Out of curiosity, are your parents no longer on the earthly realm?  If not, who's going to care for them when they need it?

[dramafreezone]

32 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

 THANK YOU!!!!!  you hit the nail on the head.

 Hence my frustration with modern dating, where thole thing seems stacked against a pleasant low stress, emotionally rewarding, fun, passionate relationship. 

I don't think your difficulties have to do with modern dating, and more of the fact that the this very specific woman that you want is hard to find.  

An empty nester without a major career, who doesn't have much focus with her kids or parents, who you also share similar interests, you've self-selected down to probably a few people just in terms of absolute numbers.  Maybe you'll have better luck in 10-15 years when their parents have died off and their children have their own families to focus on.

Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[cyphorX]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Of course, it's the stuff of unicorns.

We're talking about my generation of woman.  Mid 50's and over.  Problem is, the woman who's kids have grown up and left home now has 80yo parents who need caring for.   Caring for old family constant topic of conversation/frustration among my peers.   And, statistically, the majority of unpaid caring is done by women.   And it's done by women who work 9-5 or part time because they are the ones who are seen as being able to take time off work to support their parents, help with shopping, take them to appointments when they need it.   The high income earners "need to work", so they are off the hook.   This exact thing plays out in my family, where my retired sisters in law care for my FIL, while hubby works.

Yes, you can further narrow your search criteria to include women who's parents are already dead, but you're young enough that this will not be a common outcome.   

@cyphorX  Out of curiosity, are your parents no longer on the earthly realm?  If not, who's going to care for them when they need it?

 You see I'm 50 and  my child is 28 so I was 40 when she became a legal adult, I was hoping when I reached my late 30's the single mothers would drop off but it did not,  just 3 days ago I met a beautiful 54 year old(looked 30ish) in line at subway who seemed interested in me, we talked a bit, then  after a few minutes her ex shows up early to drop off their 9 year old son. (it broke my heart)

 and both my fathers are dead, I have 2 mothers(I was adopted) the mother that raised me is 85(looks late 50's) still drives and is active(good genes her grandmother was self sufficient until her late 90's and lived to be 100) my biological mother is barely 14 years older than me(was only 13 years old when pregnant with me).

But yes a lot of the issues I'm facing is I'm in the first generation where half the population waited longer to have kid's. the one benefit to having your kids in your late teen's - early 20's is you are in your late 30's- early 40's(still young and attractive if you took moderate care of yourself) when they grow up and move out.

[cyphorX]

31 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think your difficulties have to do with modern dating, and more of the fact that the this very specific woman that you want is hard to find.  

An empty nester without a major career, who doesn't have much focus with her kids or parents, who you also share similar interests, you've self-selected down to probably a few people just in terms of absolute numbers.  Maybe you'll have better luck in 10-15 years when their parents have died off and their children have their own families to focus on.

   the reason I say modern dating is because in my youth dating was a breeze for me, all I had to do is show up and be tall(I'm 6ft5) and charming lol, when I moved out of my parents house(at 18) it seemed every woman I dated wanted to exchange keys on the 4th date.

[Gaeta]

@cyphorX: You be patient and continue searching the one that will fit in your life. What is the alternative? quit? spend the rest of your life single?

Question: After 4 years with your ex why were you not living together?

[cyphorX]

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@cyphorX: You be patient and continue searching the one that will fit in your life. What is the alternative? quit? spend the rest of your life single?

Question: After 4 years with your ex why were you not living together?

     we were waiting for her house to be paid off mine was already paid off, but it did not matter as we spend every night together for years.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, cyphorX said:

 You see I'm 50 and  my child is 28 so I was 40 when she became a legal adult, I was hoping when I reached my late 30's the single mothers would drop off but it did not,  just 3 days ago I met a beautiful 54 year old(looked 30ish) in line at subway who seemed interested in me, we talked a bit, then  after a few minutes her ex shows up early to drop off their 9 year old son. (it broke my heart)

 and both my fathers are dead, I have 2 mothers(I was adopted) the mother that raised me is 85(looks late 50's) still drives and is active(good genes her grandmother was self sufficient until her late 90's and lived to be 100) my biological mother is barely 14 years older than me(was only 13 years old when pregnant with me).

But yes a lot of the issues I'm facing is I'm in the first generation where half the population waited longer to have kid's. the one benefit to having your kids in your late teen's - early 20's is you are in your late 30's- early 40's(still young and attractive if you took moderate care of yourself) when they grow up and move out.

Wow, they used to push kids out early where you live!   Where I am, having kid at ~ age 20 ceased around WWII.  My dad is now 80 and he's the last one in our family tree to be born to such young parents.  (unplanned pregnancies aside)  Thing is though, if you were born in the days when children were commonly born to teenage/early 20's parents, you wouldn't have gotten to be dating around at age 18....and it sounds like this is something you rather enjoyed.  Instead, you would have found a nice girl and married her.   And neither of you would have been back out dating when the kids moved out of home because divorce wasn't a thing.   And they STILL had to care for elderly parents.  You're hankering after a lifestyle which has never existed.

Also, I'm not buying that the women you briefly spoke to while in a line told you her age.  I know you didn't ask because that would have been rude, and there's no logical reason a woman offers up her age to a guy she just men.    That being said, I'm sure she wasn't heartbroken about having her son delivered     

I'm glad to hear your mom is still going strong.  My father is still going strong at 80 - everyone compliments how good he looks.  But only last week, he got a blood cancer diagnosis.  You never know what's around the corner.   Who will care for your mother if/when she is no longer fit and healthy?    And on that note, I now have to go call mum about dad and care for my disabled adult child who's home sick.   It's the life of a  mid 50's woman.

[SpecialJ]

I keep thinking that if you're so focused on her being able to show up for you that you've ended relationships after lay offs and caretaking impacted the dynamic, what if you had a girlfriend and then she got really, really sick? Wanting a pleasant, fun, passionate relationship is great, but life throws curveballs. It took me a long time to find someone I trust in both good and unpleasant times. If I was at the empty nester stage but single, I'd probably not see a point in investing in a committed relationship where the partner had a history of not sticking around for serious life transitions. It will be difficult to find someone who gives you all the benefits of a fun relationship but for whom you don't also partake in the inconvenient times because it won't be an attractive proposition to a lot of potential partners looking for more than casual. I think most well-adjusted people do want things to be easy and fun as often as possible, but also to be able to face adversity together as part of the package deal. You need that trust or what's the point in committing. When you were younger, women were less experienced and hadn't yet learned this stuff the hard way (tall, attractive, charming man fits the bill for lots of 20-something women, of course), but prioritize it more as they get older. So that's really the major mismatch I'm seeing here that you could possibly address if you are interested in doing so. 

[cyphorX]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Wow, they used to push kids out early where you live!   Where I am, having kid at ~ age 20 ceased around WWII.  My dad is now 80 and he's the last one in our family tree to be born to such young parents.  (unplanned pregnancies aside)  Thing is though, if you were born in the days when children were commonly born to teenage/early 20's parents, you wouldn't have gotten to be dating around at age 18....and it sounds like this is something you rather enjoyed.  Instead, you would have found a nice girl and married her.   And neither of you would have been back out dating when the kids moved out of home because divorce wasn't a thing.   And they STILL had to care for elderly parents.  You're hankering after a lifestyle which has never existed.

Also, I'm not buying that the women you briefly spoke to while in a line told you her age.  I know you didn't ask because that would have been rude, and there's no logical reason a woman offers up her age to a guy she just men.    That being said, I'm sure she wasn't heartbroken about having her son delivered     

I'm glad to hear your mom is still going strong.  My father is still going strong at 80 - everyone compliments how good he looks.  But only last week, he got a blood cancer diagnosis.  You never know what's around the corner.   Who will care for your mother if/when she is no longer fit and healthy?    And on that note, I now have to go call mum about dad and care for my disabled adult child who's home sick.   It's the life of a  mid 50's woman.

 Nope she did not tell me her age but I did the math when she said how the highschool up the street's demographics had changed since she went there(a bunch of jocks were in the subway) I said that must have been in the 80's(as the neighborhood changed in the mid 90's) and she said "class of 85" I was class of 89 so that was 4 years before my class so unless she got held back or skipped a grade she has to be 53 or 54. and I live in Texas and yes even today people marry and start families younger than the national average. I think now it's 27 for men and 25 for women as the average marriage age, and it did not get that old until the 2000's most of my friends first wives where the girls they dated in highschool or college.

 it was a joke here for years "Texas where you are married at 19 and divorced at 25"  not as true anymore, but our other slogan is, "Texas come on vacation leave on probation"

 

[cyphorX]

21 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

I keep thinking that if you're so focused on her being able to show up for you that you've ended relationships after lay offs and caretaking impacted the dynamic, what if you had a girlfriend and then she got really, really sick? Wanting a pleasant, fun, passionate relationship is great, but life throws curveballs. It took me a long time to find someone I trust in both good and unpleasant times. If I was at the empty nester stage but single, I'd probably not see a point in investing in a committed relationship where the partner had a history of not sticking around for serious life transitions. It will be difficult to find someone who gives you all the benefits of a fun relationship but for whom you don't also partake in the inconvenient times because it won't be an attractive proposition to a lot of potential partners looking for more than casual. I think most well-adjusted people do want things to be easy and fun as often as possible, but also to be able to face adversity together as part of the package deal. You need that trust or what's the point in committing. When you were younger, women were less experienced and hadn't yet learned this stuff the hard way (tall, attractive, charming man fits the bill for lots of 20-something women, of course), but prioritize it more as they get older. So that's really the major mismatch I'm seeing here that you could possibly address if you are interested in doing so. 

 Actually the one that was laid off it was not because she was laid off, it was because the next job she chose I barely got to see her, before she even took that job I offered to let her move in with me(she lived in an apartment) and I have dated women who had an illness pop up and I did not leave(both times they did, not wanting to be a burden which I did not view them as a burden and tried to talk them out of it). I've dated disabled women, had no issues with it one moved with her job to cali(she was a programmer), we still talk on skype.

 I think one issue is it's only been the last 6 or 7 years that I've gotten the luke warm "lets go slow" mentality and I'm still not used to it, for most of my life either a woman is not interested at all or she can't get her clothes off fast enough and now we are an item for the next 2 months - 5 years. It would not be so bad if the spaces between girlfriends was not getting longer.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Yup that's actually happening to me now, currently after I split with my ex.

I am definitely NOT looking, but yet still open and friendly with the men I meet, especially here at the office (which is where I spend most of my time these days besides my home).  In fact, three men in two days have come into the office (I am here alone) and big time flirted with me, one could not stop staring at me and suggested we have coffee!

Note I did not give off any "signals" that I am looking to date let alone seeking a relationship, but it's always good to have a positive and approachable vibe, no matter what frame of mind you're in.

You just never know what awaits you just around the corner, even when not specifically looking. 😂

 

 

That's funny , probably if you were looking , nothing haha.

But yeah signals come of all sorts and what l was referring to really tbh wouldn't even be signals as such , more so an Ora, often see n feel it from single women  , others will give of an l've had enough l'm too busy type thing don't wanna talk type feel, without doing anything.

Fascinating creatures haha

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, chillii said:

That's funny , probably if you were looking , nothing haha.

But yeah signals come of all sorts and what l was referring to really tbh wouldn't even be signals as such , more so an Ora, often see n feel it from single women  , others will give of an l've had enough l'm too busy type thing don't wanna talk type feel, without doing anything.

Fascinating creatures haha

Aura.  (just in case you ever need to look it up)

And yes, I do sometimes we feel we put out an aura.  Pleased to know that some can perceive it.  

[chillii]

Haaa, knew that was wrong , tankya.  And oh yeah , women do most definitely .

[NYAG]

12 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

No I don't think so.  First, I'm only leery of them, but I wouldn't completely disqualify them off the bat.

Second, I feel that most are essentially looking for a relationship whether they say so or not.  Casual vs looking for a relationship just speaks to degree of urgency.  When someone says they're into casual dating, to me that's code for "if the right person comes along, I'm ok for a relationship.  If not, no big deal, I'm living and loving my life."  Referring back to my extreme example, if their dream guy that checked every box came along, are they still sticking to their "not looking anything serious?"  Probably not.  The casual dater just has a higher standard to want to begin a relationship, that's all.

I have confidence in myself that if a woman sees that I'm her dream guy, then she'll break her rules for me, like when people say "I didn't think i'd fall for him but it just felt right."   I'd much prefer that then be someone that a woman can logically see as a good fit for her.  That's not love IMO.

Last thing, you can't try to construct the relationship before you meet the person.  That's what I think people are doing when they're seriously looking for a relationship.  Every person is going to create a different relationship, so you have to just let it form organically, not have an idea of what a relationship should be then find the guy that fits into that mold.

I'm always ready to break the rules for the right guy so this is a good summing up in my eyes. On dating apps I put that I'm 'looking for the one but willing to take my time' and when I go to meet someone off an app, it's not a date, I'm just meeting a potential new friend. I am in no rush to get to the finish line. For me it's about who I meet along the way no matter how long that lasts. I think anyone who goes into a new relationship already branding it with high expectation, is destined for disappointment because the tick box is so restrictive. I now just consider every relationship as a chance to meet a new person. I don't need a man in my life. I am independent on all counts but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to have someone there in whatever capacity.

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I thought your recent bf is a MM, no? 

Yes, but that's not the label I use. He is not my boyfriend and it's still early days. I have a get out clause. If I find someone better I can go, there is no duty to stay. I have no long term expectations from him because he can't offer any, but here I've met someone who makes me happy because of who he is as a human being and because he fits into the way my life works right now.

[SpecialJ]

@cyphorX, the change may also have to do with the fact that people tend to get less insecure with age. People who may be more insecure or have insecure attachment styles and spottier self-esteem can be more likely to lose the clothes faster and rush into intimacy to keep someone around, get validation, plenty of reasons. Someone older who may be divorced or have had several relationships not work out may have taken the time to realize that instant attraction didn't bring them what they wanted and either want to get to know someone better for the other reasons I listed earlier (fuller life, know what they want, takes more to want to invest in a commitment) or because they got hurt often, don't trust their "pickers" and feel gun shy. 

 

Personally, I slowed down some when I got really serious and sure about the kind of partner I was looking for, because I wanted to know someone first which takes a minute. It didn't mean I was lukewarm at all, I just wasn't rushing into a relationship based on quick chemistry. Some men didn't believe me and assumed I was lukewarm. Which was fine, if they made assumptions about what I wanted because they wanted to read into something their way instead of actually listening to me, it meant we weren't compatible. 

 

If a woman says she wants to go a bit slow and isn't just obviously stringing you along to spend your money on taking her out on very expensive dates, I say that doesn't mean she's not worth getting to know better over at least a few dates. As long as she's consistent, meaning responsive, talking to you between dates, seeing you regularly enough to actually get to know you, and saying she wants to keep seeing you, she's interested. If she's not looking to be exclusive within a couple or few months down, though, it's probably best to move on. Sounds like it's not your preferred speed, but maybe it'll be less frustrating if you aren't assuming it means she's lukewarm. 

 

I still think you'll ultimately find what you want, you're just looking at a small and specific pool (and one less likely to be on dating sites) so it's taking a while. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, cyphorX said:

and I live in Texas

Do you live in a fairly big city or in a small town? 

After how many dates you expect a woman to 'drop' her clothes?

I agree with what @SpecialJ said, you're fishing in a different age pool now. By late 40s and 50s women have dropped their clothes early plenty of times by then and most of the time it didn't bring them the relationship they were hoping for. They try to date slower and wiser. 

[hotpotato]

Single women with kids will be more eager to get into relationships. Of course, this isnt true for every case, but some women will try harder to hook a man if she is single with kids, esp multiple kids. 

I know several men who got caught up in that situation. The last was an acquaintance who was dating a woman with no job and 4 kids. (I suspect the costs of daycare were too high to justify her working.) That didnt end well, to say the least. 

I wouldn't be shocked if she and her kids were facing hunger if she didnt have a boyfriend. It's not as vital for a woman with no kids and stable income to date or get married. She can date or not date, date casually or seriously.