Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

March 16, 2021

44 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What does that mean "perfect for a monogamous relattionship?" The main criteria for being ideal for a monogamous relationship is wanting to be in one.

You're asking why women that have everything going for them don't feel as compelled to find one person as those who have children or who are heavier? People with options in general don't want to tie themselves down to one person, at least not readily.

That said, I think most women would be willing to be exclusive for the right person. You think these women on these OLD sites would turn down Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper if they asked them to be exclusive? No, they would likely compromise that stiuplation for that guy, because he's one of the best, and how much better could she do?

What she says in her account about not wanting anything serious means nothing to me. All you can do is be the best version of yourself, she'll either take it or she won't. If she likes you a ton she'll break her rules about not wanting a relationship.

Well I am on the 2nd half of my lifespan so I don't have the time to waste on someone not seeking the same thing I am I did too much of that in my 30's and it caused nothing but pain.

March 16, 2021

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Are you only looking at POF and OKCupid? Where I live they are known as the hookup sites, not the ones frequented by people looking for long-term or monogamous.

what other sites are there? Evow closed down years ago.

March 16, 2021

Just now, cyphorX said:

what other sites are there? Evow closed down years ago.

Not even sure what Evow is, but eHarmony and Match are the more relationship focused ones where I live.

March 16, 2021

Yes POF in particular is terrible for someone looking or something serious.

March 16, 2021

4 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

Well I am on the 2nd half of my lifespan so I don't have the time to waste on someone not seeking the same thing I am I did too much of that in my 30's and it caused nothing but pain.

Maybe think about a matchmaking service.

March 16, 2021

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Maybe think about a matchmaking service.

Where I am they can get expensive. They give you 3 matches for $1800

March 16, 2021

What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

March 16, 2021

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where I am they can get expensive. They give you 3 matches for $1800

That'd be a good deal here in the states. From what I see the average person spends $5000.

His options are time or money. He doesn't want to spend the time to find women who are serious about a relationship so this way he can outsource that process.

March 16, 2021

52 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

Actually the best matches I've had have been RECENT empty-nesters who were involved active mothers, one that comes to mind I started dating 3 weeks after her youngest son went off to college, and 2 years after her divorce

That makes perfect sense, but it's very specific and there's not a huge percentage of people who are going to fit that. Which is why I said they're out there, but you need to keep trying which may take more time and patience than you hope. You're sifting through a much bigger population while looking for what you want. It took me YEARS to find the right match online, and we still both can't believe we managed to do it that way after so many years of bad matches.

Try eHarmony as suggested above. Match may be okay, though I found the one month I used that it was a lot of the same profiles I saw on free account sites. May not be the same for the age group you're looking at, though. Ok Cupid was always really bad for me out of my 20s, and all I know about POF is it's always featured on the TV show Catfish with people sensationally lying about their profiles lol. So I'd believe comments above about it being a hookup site.

But I'd also say you can shift your perspective on this in ways that will help you... you're saying even in the thread title that a bunch of on-paper traits make a woman "perfect" for a relationship when her personality and what she wants (so kind of the most important aspects of compatibility) indicate the opposite. Someone really isn't perfect if you want a relationship and they don't, so you're not actually losing out on anything, but you're still looking at this from the most negative perspective. So at least from the way you are writing here, there's a lot of projection from you about what perfect is before you know anything real about the person, and frustration about who they appear to be and not be. Being on the receiving end of that feels really icky, and I went on dates where men saw what they wanted to see instead of who I was, and it made me lose interest.

FWIW I used to do stuff like that too when I was anxious about finding someone who checked lots of boxes on paper, and when I switched to being really patient and getting to know someone first (while still sticking to my dealbreaker filters), my dating life improved a lot and it was a much more enjoyable process that seemed like less of a waste of time even when dates didn't go anywhere.

March 16, 2021

39 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

That makes perfect sense, but it's very specific and there's not a huge percentage of people who are going to fit that. Which is why I said they're out there, but you need to keep trying which may take more time and patience than you hope. You're sifting through a much bigger population while looking for what you want. It took me YEARS to find the right match online, and we still both can't believe we managed to do it that way after so many years of bad matches.

Try eHarmony as suggested above. Match may be okay, though I found the one month I used that it was a lot of the same profiles I saw on free account sites. May not be the same for the age group you're looking at, though. Ok Cupid was always really bad for me out of my 20s, and all I know about POF is it's always featured on the TV show Catfish with people sensationally lying about their profiles lol. So I'd believe comments above about it being a hookup site.

But I'd also say you can shift your perspective on this in ways that will help you... you're saying even in the thread title that a bunch of on-paper traits make a woman "perfect" for a relationship when her personality and what she wants (so kind of the most important aspects of compatibility) indicate the opposite. Someone really isn't perfect if you want a relationship and they don't, so you're not actually losing out on anything, but you're still looking at this from the most negative perspective. So at least from the way you are writing here, there's a lot of projection from you about what perfect is before you know anything real about the person, and frustration about who they appear to be and not be. Being on the receiving end of that feels really icky, and I went on dates where men saw what they wanted to see instead of who I was, and it made me lose interest.

FWIW I used to do stuff like that too when I was anxious about finding someone who checked lots of boxes on paper, and when I switched to being really patient and getting to know someone first (while still sticking to my dealbreaker filters), my dating life improved a lot and it was a much more enjoyable process that seemed like less of a waste of time even when dates didn't go anywhere.

When I say they are perfect for a monogamous relationship, I simply mean their life does not have any distractions and roadblocks to a happy relationship, obviously not wanting a relationship means they would not make a good partner personality wise, because even if I changed her mind I would feel she had one foot out of the door. I'm just saying those women are in the perfect position to be in a happy relationship if they wanted one because they are free of any hindrances to the bonding process.

March 16, 2021

19 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

When I say they are perfect for a monogamous relationship, I simply mean their life does not have any distractions and roadblocks to a happy relationship, obviously not wanting a relationship means they would not make a good partner personality wise, because even if I changed her mind I would feel she had one foot out of the door. I'm just saying those women are in the perfect position to be in a happy relationship if they wanted one because they are free of any hindrances to the bonding process.

They don't have hinderances that you know of. Everyone has something going on.

People that have fulfilling lives are not planning to get into relationships because they don't have agendas. That doesn't mean they don't want one, but they don't need one. They're just going to live life and if they meet someone amazing of course they'll want to be in a relationship. Honestly you should see that as a plus.

You need to change your attitude though. It sounds like you don't think you can keep a good woman. No woman that's madly in love has one foot out of the door.

Edited March 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 16, 2021

8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

They don't have hinderances that you know of. Everyone has something going on.

People that have fulfilling lives are not planning to get into relationships because they don't have agendas. That doesn't mean they don't want one, but they don't need one. They're just going to live life and if they meet someone amazing of course they'll want to be in a relationship. Honestly you should see that as a plus.

You need to change your attitude though. It sounds like you don't think you can keep a good woman. No woman that's madly in love has one foot out of the door.

Someone looking to casually date is less likely to fall madly in love yes it can happen it's just less likely to happen, I like my life but I know I like my life many degrees better when I'm sharing it with someone, if could be equally happy alone I would not want a partner. even people who say they are fine alone I notice when they get a partner they seem 100X happier.

March 16, 2021

I'm just saying those women are in the perfect position to be in a happy relationship if they wanted one because they are free of any hindrances to the bonding process.

You're missing the boat, man. People who bond, who can form close attachments, will be out with friends and have hobbies and interests. They won't be sitting at home waiting for their knight to rescue them. They will be out in the world doing stuff. That's what makes them interesting.

But if you want to skip over these women, then I can tell you a lot of guys will be pleased to have one less person out there to "compete" with.

March 16, 2021

you S&B folks make things harder than they have to be, us nomads meet decide if we like each other start traveling together and eventually choose to share a rig. because of our nomadic lifestyle our relationship tend to move much quicker, and because we are going place to place and not putting down roots in any one place it causes our bond to be stronger because we don't have people and obligations interfering in our relationships.

March 16, 2021

17 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

Someone looking to casually date is less likely to fall madly in love yes it can happen it's just less likely to happen, I like my life but I know I like my life many degrees better when I'm sharing it with someone, if could be equally happy alone I would not want a partner. even people who say they are fine alone I notice when they get a partner they seem 100X happier.

It just doesn't work like that. Those women don't care about getting in a relationship just to be in a relationship. They don't have to, they enjoy their lives. It's not about being equally happy, it's about being content enough in life to not enter a relationship unless the man is of high quality. You have to give those high value women a reason to want to share their lives with you. You do it by being at or above their level. It's not up to them to lower their standards.

Edited March 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 16, 2021

I haven't read all the posts, so I hope I'm not being too repetitive.

I believe there are reasons why these woman are so "freed up". They likely enjoy thier time alone...or not being involved with kids or a demanding career. That certainly doesn't mean they are built for monogamy or even interested in a serious long-term situation.

I know your talking women, but I have a cousin who is a few years older then me..late 40 early 50, who married very briefly at 20 while in the military, few months. Divorced never been in a serious relationship since. He is a pilot, makes a very good living, very intelligent, well spoken, educated, cultured, giving, an all around great guy, a woman's dream....HOWEVER, he is terrible in relationships. He simple enjoys the freedom to do whatever whenever without explanation or discussion.

March 16, 2021

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It just doesn't work like that. Those women don't care about getting in a relationship just to be in a relationship. They don't have to, they enjoy their lives. It's not about being equally happy, it's about being content enough in life to not enter a relationship unless the man is of high quality. You have to give those high value women a reason to want to share their lives with you. You do it by being at or above their level. It's not up to them to lower their standards.

Lol you mean jump through hoops, I think that's what the dude is trying to avoid, I think the guy has his own standards, a woman who's life has room for him, and not to be the smallest most disposable aspect of her life. My love for my girl is strong because we depend on each other in every aspect of our life, sure we did fine on our own but it's night and day better with each other. she says the same thing.

March 16, 2021

4 hours ago, cyphorX said:

So I'm making the mistake of assuming a woman is honest when she states what she is seeking?

Maybe, depends on the individual. If you meet someone who you hit it off with and you both have strong mutual attraction you're very likely going to end up in an exclusive relationship regardless of what their profile says. Lots of women, (and men), use photos that are ten years old, so what makes you think they're being honest about anything else? Never underestimate people's capacity for self delusion and BS on a date site

March 16, 2021

11 minutes ago, Quantum Nomad said:

Lol you mean jump through hoops, I think that's what the dude is trying to avoid, I think the guy has his own standards, a woman who's life has room for him, and not to be the smallest most disposable aspect of her life. My love for my girl is strong because we depend on each other in every aspect of our life, sure we did fine on our own but it's night and day better with each other. she says the same thing.

I don't understand how someone that's not focused on getting into a relationship is looking to make someone jump through hoops. They're just in a non-hungry state and they want to live life as it comes.

I just think you meet that special someone when you're not looking for them and you're just enjoying life. I don't put any credence in a woman saying she's not looking for anything serious. Neither am I, but if there's amazing chemistry a relationship will happen. Ever hear the quote "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." You can't plan love, it happens when it happens.

Edited March 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 16, 2021

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would never do that lol.

When I was online I had *looking for a serious relationship* and I STILL had to chase away the casual/nothingserious men.

I really don't see a man putting himself in the no-serious-dating and deep down wanting a relationship. The man putting himself in the no-serious-dating is looking for a friend with benefit and he's sincere and honest enough to not pretend he wants a relationship.

My now-partner and I both had casual dating on our profiles, but both of us would have preferred meeting someone special, (which we did, obviously), and same for friends of ours who met through a date site. Both of us had casual for the same reason, we'd encountered a few clingers who held us to account when we'd had 'long term' on our profiles, (you know, the old "Your profile says you're looking for a relationship, but we've been on three dates and your profile is still active, so what's going on?") . For me, putting 'casual' did give players the impression that I was looking for short-term flings, but fending off those sort of guys was easier than fending off the ones who were hoping for proper relationships, maybe because I never minded crushing the ego of a player but I was always uncomfortable hurting the feelings of the genuine people I encountered. But yes, like you I also still got offers from the players when I had "long term" ticked. I think we can all safely say that net dating can be a soul destroying nightmare and you need very thick skin to navigate your way through it without becoming disheartened and even angry.

March 16, 2021

15 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

My now-partner and I both had casual dating on our profiles, but both of us would have preferred meeting someone special, (which we did, obviously), and same for friends of ours who met through a date site.

Exactly.

Almost everyone wants to meet someone special. The first few dates should be casual anyway.

It doesn't really matter. You'll either click or you won't. If the two of you have amazing chemistry all of that "not looking for anything special" will go right out of the window. It's about attraction level. Her attraction level to the guy will determine whether or not she's looking for anything serious.

Edited March 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 16, 2021

I don't agree with discounting the person saying they want casual because of the belief it could change with attraction level. I think OP is right to filter on it and not bother if it's a mismatch against what he wants. People who aren't playing games and want to be serious tend to say what they want, especially later in life. It's really not about high attraction and chemistry to shift things into a healthy long-term relationship, it's about emotional availability combined with a general baseline of that other stuff existing. If there's baseline attraction but the other person isn't really open and available to a connection with anyone, it's not going to magically work itself out.

I can't speak for someone saying they want casual when they don't actually want casual just to scare off clingy potential partners on online dating, because I don't know anyone who has done that. But I do agree that it doesn't matter what a woman puts down she's looking for, tons of men online don't pay any attention and message anyway. I got hit up for casual constantly when I said I was looking for a relationship. From what I've heard, many men get frustrated by not getting many responses online or only getting answered by bots, so they try to test any waters they can.

So I don't think the majority of people intentionally lie in their profiles, at least not in my experience. BUT the above comment about not expecting people to be self-aware enough to present themselves honestly in their profile is spot on. Lots of self-delusion out there! It does require a little bit of time getting to know someone and a few casual early dates to figure that out.

March 16, 2021

Try not to read these profiles as hard facts. If someone is attractive enough, and no real red flags , shoot them a message.

It's great you have a firm list of deal breakers and must haves, but be careful not to get too burned out.

Reflect on what are hard red flags v. deal breakers .

Decide what is negotiable and what is not.

Also make a list of positive characteristics you seek v. I don't want this, I don't want that

March 16, 2021

40 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

I don't agree with discounting the person saying they want casual because of the belief it could change with attraction level. I think OP is right to filter on it and not bother if it's a mismatch against what he wants. People who aren't playing games and want to be serious tend to say what they want, especially later in life. It's really not about high attraction and chemistry to shift things into a healthy long-term relationship, it's about emotional availability combined with a general baseline of that other stuff existing. If there's baseline attraction but the other person isn't really open and available to a connection with anyone, it's not going to magically work itself out.

I can't speak for someone saying they want casual when they don't actually want casual just to scare off clingy potential partners on online dating, because I don't know anyone who has done that. But I do agree that it doesn't matter what a woman puts down she's looking for, tons of men online don't pay any attention and message anyway. I got hit up for casual constantly when I said I was looking for a relationship. From what I've heard, many men get frustrated by not getting many responses online or only getting answered by bots, so they try to test any waters they can.

So I don't think the majority of people intentionally lie in their profiles, at least not in my experience. BUT the above comment about not expecting people to be self-aware enough to present themselves honestly in their profile is spot on. Lots of self-delusion out there! It does require a little bit of time getting to know someone and a few casual early dates to figure that out.

My premise is that I feel this is rarely the case. Most times it's about attraction, and not just physical attraction, but attraction to the personality, that person's lifestyle, the entire picture.

Are you trying to say that a woman that says she's not looking for anything serious can meet the man of her dreams today, wealthy, handsome, kind, confident, a unicorn basically, she's in love, he's looking to get serious and she says "I'll pass, I'm not looking for anything serious right now?" That doesn't happen.

Attraction level cuts through almost everything. I'm not talking about someone you think is kinda cute. I mean someone that you have amazing chemistry with, who you're sexually attracted to as well.

March 16, 2021

13 hours ago, cyphorX said:

Every time I get on a dating site I pour through dozens of profiles and every time I find a profile I like from a woman that kept herself in shape, has no kids at home, does not have a demanding time consuming job, similar hobbies or interests, when it get to the part where it states what they are looking for it's almost always "casual dating/nothing serious" on POF, and "non-monogamous" on okayCupid . 98% of the profiles where women are seeking "longterm or marriage" she is either Obese(not just a little chubby), a single mother(I thought this would get better as I got older but it seems half the women in my dating pool didn't start having kids until their late 30's or 40's or had one last a change of life baby with their EX husband before he took off), taking care of aging parents, raising their grand-kids, or they live outside of the city limits way out in the middle of nowhere.

It's so frustrating, The only women who seem to want a relationship have baggage that would make a relationship less rewarding and those who would be ideal don't want to date just one person.

If you have everything going for you.. why you need a man. Its a lot of work.

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Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

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