Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

March 17, 2021

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of not being tied down. Then I had a break and I've gone back into exclusively dating one person who I found after just a couple of months on a particular dating site. But we've not defined it as a relationship. More of an exclusive FWB. Whilst I am happy with this arrangement

But you're happy with this and you don't desire more. Please note all this did not bring you a romantic relationship either right?

OP, you need to drop a bit of your unrealistic requirement. Women working 9 to 5 are everywhere. Yes they may have a teen at home or older parents she needs to go visit each week but that does not render her un-datable. It probably makes her even more nurturing. My ex and I kept separate homes and still spent 6 days a week together and I have a teen. You slowly ease into that type of life you don't jump right into it from day 1.

March 17, 2021

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But you're happy with this and you don't desire more. Please note all this did not bring you a romantic relationship either right?

OP, you need to drop a bit of your unrealistic requirement. Women working 9 to 5 are everywhere. Yes they may have a teen at home or older parents she needs to go visit each week but that does not render her un-datable. It probably makes her even more nurturing. My ex and I kept separate homes and still spent 6 days a week together and I have a teen. You slowly ease into that type of life you don't jump right into it from day 1.

I don't know. It's very early days. I haven't labelled it as anything yet.

March 17, 2021

47 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I don't know. It's very early days. I haven't labelled it as anything yet.

I thought your recent bf is a MM, no?

March 17, 2021

12 hours ago, cyphorX said:

....but at 30 dating became a grueling process and most of the women became materialistic, being exclusive is no longer the default before "the talk" (it seems now exclusivity is only expected after "the talk"),

People have been materialistic for essentially forever, part of the whole counter culture revolution of the 1960s was a rejection of materialism. there are plenty of women who do not base selection of partners on materialistic things, you just need to fish in that pool and make sure you have what is attractive to them. That's the thing, attracting a materialistic person is fairly easy, all it takes is things...a non-materialistic person is harder, you can't buy what they are attracted to.

What is this "talk"? Seriously I have had "the talk" about views on monogamy on the first meet. "Not looking for casual" was the default on the profiles of women I saw on Match, I could get literally 2000 hits for women within 20 miles of me (with fairly restrictive criteria) and was exceedingly rare saw anything other than "no casual"

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online dating has killed the scarcity benefit(pre internet our dating pool was limited to our immediate area so once you fished in your pool long enough it started getting to the point where all that left in your age group are people either you or your friends have already dated or people you have no attraction to, so people would pair up before it got to that point) so an average guy could eventually level up to the "I'm the best of whats left" bonus, today that bonus does not exist anymore because women in their area can expand their search radius on tinder, pof, bumblebee and okcupid once they have over dated the guys in their neighborhood and social circles.

You say this like taking "the best of what's left" is a good thing. It's not and it works both ways. You basically pone for the days people had to settle because they lived in a small pond? Relationships out of desperation and settling are not ones I'd one even if a person can come to accept it because there is not other choice.

I believe you are talking more a grass is always greener phenomena, the never ending search for fear their is something better out their. Sure there are people like that, but I believe most who are interested in long term are just looking for the right fit and they are glad they no longer have to settle and just pair up with the first half-way decent person who came along. Now those who are not interested in long term, OLD makes it easy for them to connect with those of like mind, no harm in that especially when they make that clear up front.

It is true these days you have to offer more than just being a warm body, but in my view that is not a bad thing. It's not so much as where have all the good ones gone, is you just need to be fishing in the good ones poll AND be a good one yourself. If you focus on how "hard" it is these days because women no longer choose you because they no longer have severely limited options, that mind set will do you no good and can keep you from being considered a good one yourself. Rather, I suggest focusing on where the women you are after can be found and improve the qualities they find attractive. Can guarantee you there are plenty non-materialist, long term monogamous relationship seeking women out there.

March 17, 2021

13 hours ago, Dis said:

Are you not vetting these woman properly? And even if they are seeing other people in the beginning, it's not an end all be all. Sometimes we want to weigh our options and not make rash decisions to focus on one person only. As I've gained more experience with online dating I do feel this is a wise strategy considering connections on there are fleeting. Doesn't mean they don't like you, just means they don't know you well enough to only focus on you.

I quoted this because it's true for me too. I will go out with multiple guys. I prefer to be in a relationship with a special person but in the meantime what am I supposed to do? I go on dates with people who appear to meet my initially criteria but it takes some time to get it out of people what they are about and whether you match. Most people go into dates trying to impress with a mask on versus being themselves. It doesn't mean I'm not serious or into someone. But it keeps things open for me as I figure out who may be worth committing to. If I meet a guy like that I'm happy to take myself off the market to give it a shot and be loyal. I've met a lot of people who are wonderful but have a deal breaker. Or who make a good first impressions and can't keep it up. I don't feel a lot of men know either until they spend a little but of time with a woman and get to know her.

I don't think a lot of these issues are gendered issues. I've dated men and women (I date more men) and it shows up in both scenarios. I do feel dating women is tougher but that is largely due to the norms in my area in LGBT dating that I don't quite match up with.

I'm not your target audience OP because I have a kid but have my life in order and can make a lot of time for a guy. That's never been an issue in my relationships with single men. But I have dated single dads where it has been an issue so I get it. I'm not willing to go to a guy's house for a late night "when my kid goes to bed" date. Looking for someone who can make time for you is important but someone who can and is willing to do this may not fit into your boxes. I also have an impressive job in a male dominated field but I am very careful to take the projects where I can have a life outside of work. Again it's probably not the stereotype if you just saw my stats. You might want to loosen them up if you don't like your dating pool and ask a few clarifying questions in the initial talks/messages.

March 17, 2021

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP, you need to drop a bit of your unrealistic requirement. Women working 9 to 5 are everywhere. Yes they may have a teen at home or older parents she needs to go visit each week but that does not render her un-datable. It probably makes her even more nurturing. My ex and I kept separate homes and still spent 6 days a week together and I have a teen. You slowly ease into that type of life you don't jump right into it from day 1.

Don't get me wrong most of my relationships start off great, and I kept myself in shape so attraction has never been a problem [ ] it's attracting the right types or more attracting those in the right stage of their life, a life that we could easily blend together as those women tend to be happy being single(hence the title of the post), now part of the problem is where I live:

https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a3092/the-best-cities-for-singles/

I live in one of those big blue circles(significantly more men than women) in the map in the link above, so most women where I live who fall into what I seek in a mate and aren't into casual dating are usually already married(because some guy realized what he had and got her to the alter A.S.A.P ) I've lived in other parts of the country and dating was easier in some places and harder in some places and that link just confirmed what was going on, local culture and male/female ratio helped or hindered me depending where I was.

places where local culture helped were: Seattle, Portland, Denver

places where male/female ratio helped were: Akron OH, Cleveland, Miami

If my house was not paid for and those were cheaper places to live I would move in a heartbeat.

And I don't ease into anything, if there is not an instant passion it means I'm not into that woman and I won't waste her time or mislead her into thinking my feelings may grow because they won't. When it's there it hits like a bus with Nos.

Edited March 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed shaming langauge

March 17, 2021

9 hours ago, NYAG said:

For sure. I casually dated after my last monogamous relationship ended and thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of not being tied down. Then I had a break and I've gone back into exclusively dating one person who I found after just a couple of months on a particular dating site. But we've not defined it as a relationship. More of an exclusive FWB. Whilst I am happy with this arrangement I certainly wouldn't write off if it developed into something more (it's highly unlikely it will) or if someone else came along who offered me something better or different. Never be a closed book. I have friends who've been on the dating scene for 5, 6, 7 years - single females no kids, independent etc and are still looking for their 'forever partner' because they've labelled it as such from the outset and won't think outside the box or consider something more fluid that might have potential.

I think it's just two different mindsets. I think looking for a relationship exclusively predisposes us (and eventually evolves) to a scarcity mindset. When all you're looking for is a relationship, it becomes clear very quickly how few people are suitable for that role. So after a while, that person just clings to the first man or woman that's close enough to what they want. If you can be focused on finding a relationship while enjoying life, then I think it's fine but all I hear is a bunch of complaning about how there's so few good people out there for them, hence the OP's thread.

I don't think I've ever heard someone say that they focused on finding a relationship and found the partner of their dreams. What I have heard many times is that they found their partner when they least expected it.

March 17, 2021

8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think I've ever heard someone say that they focused on finding a relationship and found the partner of their dreams. What I have heard many times is that they found their partner when they least expected it.

But I'd said that earlier in this very thread I said I focused on finding a relationship and found my person in about a year. Still needed to get to know him first over a few months before wanting to make it mutually "official." But we both went into it clear in what we were looking for right from the start, which was an equal partner and serious relationship with the right person, and we had very good, open, and honest communication.

I'm with the advice the OP is getting to talk to people with all sorts of jobs and maybe some family obligations (doesn't need to be single moms because he doesn't want that lifestyle, which is okay) or who live a little further out, and ask more questions to see who they are before making assumptions. Write off casual as a dealbreaker yes, but chat and check on other circumstances. When we met, my partner lived further away than I initially thought I wanted to deal with, but there were a variety of factors that actually made it not a big deal and the distance issues temporary. I almost didn't even match with him because of my initial assumptions about it, though. That would have been silly because it's hands down the best partner and relationship I've ever had!

March 17, 2021

10 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

But I'd said that earlier in this very thread I said I focused on finding a relationship and found my person in about a year. Still needed to get to know him first over a few months before wanting to make it mutually "official." But we both went into it clear in what we were looking for right from the start, which was an equal partner and serious relationship with the right person, and we had very good, open, and honest communication.

I'm with the advice the OP is getting to talk to people with all sorts of jobs and maybe some family obligations (doesn't need to be single moms because he doesn't want that lifestyle, which is okay) or who live a little further out, and ask more questions to see who they are before making assumptions. Write off casual as a dealbreaker yes, but chat and check on other circumstances. When we met, my partner lived further away than I initially thought I wanted to deal with, but there were a variety of factors that actually made it not a big deal and the distance issues temporary. I almost didn't even match with him because of my initial assumptions about it, though. That would have been silly because it's hands down the best partner and relationship I've ever had!

I guess you're the exception to the rule. Just by the law of averages a couple of people are bound to focus on relationships and find the partner of their dreams. One person doesn't change the overall trend. I think most can't adapt that mindset and attract a great partner. Speaking for myself I'm leery of a woman that says she's only focused on fiinding a relationiship. Does she simply want to keep up with her friends, or keep her mother from nagging her, or is she truly looking for the best person for her?

Another issue is that a lot of women that make this major shift in mindset had their moment where they wouldn't have anything to do with a guy that was looking for a relationship. Again, what's behind this major shift in mindset? Did you really mature and no longer find that guy you used to date attractive, or is it a musical chairs type of deal and you just feel if you don't get married now you're going to miss the boat? That definitely matters to me.

I actually prefer to date women looking for something casual for this very reason. You can be assured that if they change their mind its because they see you as something really special, special enough to make them want to change their mind. Dating someone that's looking for a relationship, I would see myself as someone that's relatively interchangable, because the relationship is what you really want above a particular person.

Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 17, 2021

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Speaking for myself I'm leery of a woman that says she's only focused on fiinding a relationiship.

I agree. It has to be something in the vein of looking for a relationship *with the right person.* If it's intended to be an initial dealbreaker check on aligned longer term goals, but then the woman just gets to know you over time, all is well. That's what I did. I also talked earlier about how crappy it is if someone is projecting and doesn't care about who the person is who will fill the partner role. So you still need to parse if the woman is just adding "with the right person" to sound less anxious or if she means it and doesn't want to rush getting to know you. But tossing those women out who say only relationship is the same as tossing out the casual which you're advising against, no?

March 17, 2021

Finding a relationship = Trying too hard and viewing everything in black and white IMO. Relationships aren't found, they are built. Built from casual into serious, but looking for something serious from the start is going to skew the process.

Just my thoughts.

March 17, 2021

22 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

But tossing those women out who say only relationship is the same as tossing out the casual which you're advising against, no?

No I don't think so. First, I'm only leery of them, but I wouldn't completely disqualify them off the bat.

Second, I feel that most are essentially looking for a relationship whether they say so or not. Casual vs looking for a relationship just speaks to degree of urgency. When someone says they're into casual dating, to me that's code for "if the right person comes along, I'm ok for a relationship. If not, no big deal, I'm living and loving my life." Referring back to my extreme example, if their dream guy that checked every box came along, are they still sticking to their "not looking anything serious?" Probably not. The casual dater just has a higher standard to want to begin a relationship, that's all.

I have confidence in myself that if a woman sees that I'm her dream guy, then she'll break her rules for me, like when people say "I didn't think i'd fall for him but it just felt right." I'd much prefer that then be someone that a woman can logically see as a good fit for her. That's not love IMO.

Last thing, you can't try to construct the relationship before you meet the person. That's what I think people are doing when they're seriously looking for a relationship. Every person is going to create a different relationship, so you have to just let it form organically, not have an idea of what a relationship should be then find the guy that fits into that mold.

Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 17, 2021

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think it's just two different mindsets. I think looking for a relationship exclusively predisposes us (and eventually evolves) to a scarcity mindset. When all you're looking for is a relationship, it becomes clear very quickly how few people are suitable for that role. So after a while, that person just clings to the first man or woman that's close enough to what they want. If you can be focused on finding a relationship while enjoying life, then I think it's fine but all I hear is a bunch of complaning about how there's so few good people out there for them, hence the OP's thread.

I don't think I've ever heard someone say that they focused on finding a relationship and found the partner of their dreams. What I have heard many times is that they found their partner when they least expected it.

I enjoy my life to a degree, but having experienced relationships that were good for years I know I like that better, also I know that there are no rules that are etched in stone and that there are always exceptions to every rule BUT there are patterns that exist those patterns can even be measured, the advertising industry has known this for decades certain products do significantly better in certain markets, certain groups respond better to different advertising methods. I don't date single mothers BECAUSE I HAVE DATED SINGLE MOTHERS MANY TIMES AND THE SAME ISSUES ALWAYS POPPED UP!!!! Same with career women and extremely social women, the same set of patterns reared their hideous heads every time. yes I know there may be an exception to the rule out there but they would be so rare it's not worth risking my heart.

But I also look at the relationships in my past that were the most successful, the ones that came closest to making it, and what they had in common, they started fast, some were recent emptynesters, there was instant attraction on both ends, they did not have huge social circles(usually one or 2 really close girlfriends), they were all non materialistic(a couple of them had bad or traumatic experiences with an upper middleclass or rich ex) they all had non demanding job's that allowed them a lot of freetime (one had a high paying but off-seasonal job setting up local concerts for one hit wonders and hasbeens during the slow times when most current artists weren't touring she had months of downtime) The more 1 on 1 time you can spend together the quicker you can form a bond or learn if or if not that person is right for you.

So my "forever love" is statistically more likely to be the type in the 2nd paragraph.

March 17, 2021

20 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

I enjoy my life to a degree, but having experienced relationships that were good for years I know I like that better, also I know that there are no rules that are etched in stone and that there are always exceptions to every rule BUT there are patterns that exist those patterns can even be measured, the advertising industry has known this for decades certain products do significantly better in certain markets, certain groups respond better to different advertising methods. I don't date single mothers BECAUSE I HAVE DATED SINGLE MOTHERS MANY TIMES AND THE SAME ISSUES ALWAYS POPPED UP!!!! Same with career women and extremely social women, the same set of patterns reared their hideous heads every time. yes I know there may be an exception to the rule out there but they would be so rare it's not worth risking my heart.

But I also look at the relationships in my past that were the most successful, the ones that came closest to making it, and what they had in common, they started fast, some were recent emptynesters, there was instant attraction on both ends, they did not have huge social circles(usually one or 2 really close girlfriends), they were all non materialistic(a couple of them had bad or traumatic experiences with an upper middleclass or rich ex) they all had non demanding job's that allowed them a lot of freetime (one had a high paying but off-seasonal job setting up local concerts for one hit wonders and hasbeens during the slow times when most current artists weren't touring she had months of downtime) The more 1 on 1 time you can spend together the quicker you can form a bond or learn if or if not that person is right for you.

So my "forever love" is statistically more likely to be the type in the 2nd paragraph.

I wouldn't consider a serious relationship with a single mother, so don't blame you there. What's this pattern that you talk about regarding career women and social women?

Have you considered that you may need to up your game? You want all of these things and these specific criteria, but women have criteria too. Maybe take a look in the mirror and make a honest assessment as to if you can even demand what you're demanding.

Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

March 17, 2021

44 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Last thing, you can't try to construct the relationship before you meet the person. That's what I think people are doing when they're seriously looking for a relationship. Every person is going to create a different relationship, so you have to just let it form organically, not have an idea of what a relationship should be then find the guy that fits into that mold.

This is so astute. What a clever way to articulate that conundrum, that people try to design the relationship, before meeting a good match.

March 17, 2021

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think I've ever heard someone say that they focused on finding a relationship and found the partner of their dreams. What I have heard many times is that they found their partner when they least expected it.

I tested that one. I was single for 8 years from age 39 to 47. I was not looking, was not on dating sites, I was concentrating climbing up professionally, buying assets, I was into fitness and all sorts of hobbies and no man came knocking on my door. ONLY when I put myself out there and started looking then men came to me.

Edited March 17, 2021 by Gaeta

March 17, 2021

59 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

But I also look at the relationships in my past that were the most successful, the ones that came closest to making it, and what they had in common, they started fast,

If you are single I would not call them successful. They failed. Even if they lasted a while in time, they still failed. Probably because they started with fireworks and we know what happens to fireworks. I don't know your age but I think you're mature enough to understand that fireworks are not something you build a lasting relationship on.

Edited March 17, 2021 by Gaeta

March 17, 2021

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What's this pattern that you talk about regarding career women and social women?

Have you considered that you may need to up your game? You want all of these things and these specific criteria, but women have criteria too. Maybe take a look in the mirror and make a honest assessment as to if you can even demand what you're demanding.

The pattern is OUR time getting encroached on time we had set aside for each other when dating those types somethings always "popping up" after the initial honeymoon phase not getting much "1 on 1 alone time" with the call's from kids, work, or friends needing favor's interrupting time with her I've been waiting all week for. Not their fault or mine, I'm just not a fit for THEIR life and they aren't a fit for mine.

But I do notice you did not mention the 2nd paragraph where the relationships did work or worked better so to speak usually those relationships ended only because of a major change like them getting laid off and having to change jobs so our schedules no-longer lined up, or a sick parent moving in, and a few times their grown kids moving back in.

I'm not upping my game lol I'm being myself and I just avoid women with built in hindrances. I'm a catch in regards to being emotionally available, loving, affectionate, I put my partner first in all things, I don't break or cancel dates(unless it's literally life or death) I don't cheat nor do I put myself in a situation where I could cheat or it looks like I might be tempted to cheat(cheaters should be thrown in a pit filled with every venomous reptile known to man).

You seem to be painting me as some awful person, but I must have some good qualities as every woman who has broken up with me has at some point tried to get back with me, usually within a few weeks - 3 months. one of the "casual daters" has been trying to get with me for 4 years we dated a month I wanted to be exclusive she did not so I stopped calling her, a few weeks later she changed her mind but I could not go there with her because if it took her weeks of dating other people to want to be exclusive with me she was not that into me.

March 17, 2021

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think I've ever heard someone say that they focused on finding a relationship and found the partner of their dreams. What I have heard many times is that they found their partner when they least expected it.

I agree with this, and most of what you've espoused on this thread DFZ. Which is one reason why I dislike OLDing, it's so contrived, knowing before even meeting why you're there, on the app -- to connect and date, have a relationship. It just seems so forced, it's unnatural imo.

It takes all the spontaneity out of it, the wondering, the mystery - does he like me, will he ask me out? Etc etc. I met my ex on a dating app, but I don't think I will ever be going that route again and in retrospect, we didn't work out anyway.

Just gonna go about my business, and meeting men organically and if there's a mutual click, allowing it to play out.

As you said DFZ, meeting while not intentionally looking, and feeling a mutual attraction when I least expect it, best way to meet IMHO!

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

March 17, 2021

3 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

The pattern is OUR time getting encroached on time we had set aside for each other when dating those types somethings always "popping up" after the initial honeymoon phase not getting much "1 on 1 alone time" with the call's from kids, work, or friends needing favor's interrupting time with her I've been waiting all week for. Not their fault or mine, I'm just not a fit for THEIR life and they aren't a fit for mine.

I have a hard time following you. When you say after the honeymoon phase you're talking how long? 3 months? 6 months?

Life happens, for everybody, except after that honeymoon phase you are suppose to be facing these life events together. You talk about how you are devoted but you're not really if you bail each time life gets tough. When I was with my ex and my adult daughter called because her car broke down or once she had an accident, my ex was the first one dressed up to go help her. My parents are too old to drive over here for Xmas, my ex drove the 20 hour trips to get them and each year he was the first to volunteer we get. We faced life and each other's responsibilities together.

March 17, 2021

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I actually prefer to date women looking for something casual for this very reason. You can be assured that if they change their mind its because they see you as something really special, special enough to make them want to change their mind. Dating someone that's looking for a relationship, I would see myself as someone that's relatively interchangable, because the relationship is what you really want above a particular person.

Again, agree! And the bolded, it's exactly how I feel with respect to men!

In fact, I never trusted whenever a man told me "I'm looking for a serious relationship," those words are meaningless to me, why?

Because imo no one knows what they want with a particular person until they begin dating and spending regular time together with that person.

How many times have I read where a man told a woman he was seeking a "relationship," but then once in a relationship with that woman, suddenly realizes he's "not ready" for a relationship after all.

Then that same man goes on to date a woman casually, and after some time realizes he does want a relationship with her! Due to their energy, their chemistry, their connection.

Happens all the time! When they weren't looking for it and least expected it.

Again, the best connections are made that way, imo.

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

March 17, 2021

15 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

The pattern is OUR time getting encroached on time we had set aside for each other when dating those types somethings always "popping up" after the initial honeymoon phase not getting much "1 on 1 alone time" with the call's from kids, work, or friends needing favor's interrupting time with her I've been waiting all week for. Not their fault or mine, I'm just not a fit for THEIR life and they aren't a fit for mine.

But I do notice you did not mention the 2nd paragraph where the relationships did work or worked better so to speak usually those relationships ended only because of a major change like them getting laid off and having to change jobs so our schedules no-longer lined up, or a sick parent moving in, and a few times their grown kids moving back in.

I'm not upping my game lol I'm being myself and I just avoid women with built in hindrances.

You seem to be painting me as some awful person, but I must have some good qualities as every woman who has broken up with me has at some point tried to get back with me, usually within a few weeks - 3 months. one of the "casual daters" has been trying to get with me for 4 years we dated a month I wanted to be exclusive she did not so I stopped calling her, a few weeks later she changed her mind but I could not go there with her because if it took her weeks of dating other people to want to be exclusive with me she was not that into me.

So what happens when you get kids of your own? Eventually that's going to happen, where kids, aging parents are going to get more of her time. That's what a family is about. It doesn't sound like your comfortable at all with having to deal with anything but the woman, and if any adversity hits the relationship fails.

You can not up your game, but then again, you're the one that felt the need to create this thread. Obviously you're not satisifed with the state of your dating, but you don't think you have any room to improve? If not, you have to accept your results. You are what you attract.

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I'm a catch in regards to being emotionally available, loving, affectionate, I put my partner first in all things, I don't break or cancel dates(unless it's literally life or death) I don't cheat nor do I put myself in a situation where I could cheat or it looks like I might be tempted to cheat(cheaters should be thrown in a pit filled with every venomous reptile known to man).

Sorry to say, none of this makes a guy a catch. There are plenty of guys with all of these qualties that haven't had a date in 5 years. And I would guess that every woman in this thread has been madly in love with someone that has cheated on them, has canceled dates, made them their last priority, and was emotionally unavailable, and many of them have dating more than one of these guys. That should tell you right there that what women see as a catch is separate from those qualities. Those are nice-to-have qualities, qualities that womeen love to see in guys that they already find attractive due to their looks, their confidence, ambition, charisma, wealth, passion, or whatever combination of these qualities the woman values.

You're not some awful person, and if you've gotten that impression then that wasn't my intent to paint you as such. I hope you find what you want.

March 17, 2021

Just wanted to add - to the OP and others who choose to date only those who are seeking relationships, I think you’re limiting yourself.

Why not stay open to all possibilities and opportunities? A man or woman seeking a relationship is not a guarantee that they will want a relationship with you, nor does seeking casual guarantee they will continue to only want casual, with you.

Why not open yourself up to all sorts of different dating experiences and adventures?

Sure, there are disappointments on both sides of that equation, meaning just because one or two guys or ladies who were seeking casual didn’t eventually want a relationship, does NOT mean all men/women initially seeking casual will feel that way. You just weren’t the right fit, and chances are he/she wasn’t the right fit for you either.

Same with men (or women) seeking relationships. There has to be the right blend of characteristics, combined with a certain energy/chemistry that cause someone to want a relationship.

I think announcing you’re seeking a relationship right outta the gate is premature, and takes all the spontaneity and mystery out of it, which has been proven to increase attraction, possibly leading to what you claim to want – a relationship.

Detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey!

March 17, 2021

OP, it sounds like your relationships end when they're no longer completely on your terms. You shouldn't need to settle or apologize for what you want, but once you're invested and building the relationship with someone, it can't be my way or the highway for it to last. There needs to be teamwork to compromise, do conflict resolution together, and sort through stress and problems without worrying about disagreements or life circumstances changes likely meaning breakups. It's not feasible unless you're not looking for a lifelong commitment. A woman getting laid off or having aging parents that she needs to help out with shouldn't be tanking your relationships because by that point, if it's been long-term why aren't you a team? Some people need a bit of time to react and adjust to stress, and when one partner isn't at 100% the other may have to compensate. That shouldn't be the default situation, but when times temporarily get tough that's how people choose to get through it together.

It sounds like you want a woman to fulfill a lot of roles for you that one person simply can't. She can't provide you everything emotionally and not have time to be a person herself, too. Part of that is you having other connections, friends or family, and also being able to lean on yourself when she gets busy and not worry that means she's not committed enough or cheating. You sound like you bring a lot to the table, but a solid older woman who wants a relationship probably wants a partner who doesn't see their time together as conditional based on life circumstance. Otherwise, whether you intend it to or not, it'll seem to her that you don't have a secure foundation and you might be one foot out if something goes wrong, and that's not going to be a sustainable partnership.

So you can keep your criteria, because you seem to know what you want. But if you want things to last once you find her, you may want to reconsider how much you're placing on and expecting from your partner, and if that's going to be reasonable for the quality of woman you're expecting. There are women who will go for this, but I don't think it's the ones you want.

March 17, 2021

12 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

OP, it sounds like your relationships end when they're no longer completely on your terms. You shouldn't need to settle or apologize for what you want, but once you're invested and building the relationship with someone, it can't be my way or the highway for it to last. There needs to be teamwork to compromise, do conflict resolution together, and sort through stress and problems without worrying about disagreements or life circumstances changes likely meaning breakups. It's not feasible unless you're not looking for a lifelong commitment. A woman getting laid off or having aging parents that she needs to help out with shouldn't be tanking your relationships because by that point, if it's been long-term why aren't you a team? Some people need a bit of time to react and adjust to stress, and when one partner isn't at 100% the other may have to compensate. That shouldn't be the default situation, but when times temporarily get tough that's how people choose to get through it together.

It sounds like you want a woman to fulfill a lot of roles for you that one person simply can't. She can't provide you everything emotionally and not have time to be a person herself, too. Part of that is you having other connections, friends or family, and also being able to lean on yourself when she gets busy and not worry that means she's not committed enough or cheating. You sound like you bring a lot to the table, but a solid older woman who wants a relationship probably wants a partner who doesn't see their time together as conditional based on life circumstance. Otherwise, whether you intend it to or not, it'll seem to her that you don't have a secure foundation and you might be one foot out if something goes wrong, and that's not going to be a sustainable partnership.

So you can keep your criteria, because you seem to know what you want. But if you want things to last once you find her, you may want to reconsider how much you're placing on and expecting from your partner, and if that's going to be reasonable for the quality of woman you're expecting. There are women who will go for this, but I don't think it's the ones you want.

It sounds as if you're reinforcing what I already believe, that well-adjusted women want a man that has a full life and doesn't want or expect her to be the center of his life, but to be a significant part of it.

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Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

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