Ladies who like dominant men?

[Cookiesandough]

How would you describe a dominant man and what do you like about them?  Is it different from controlling? How do you make sure it doesn’t leads to abusive situations? 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

How would you describe a dominant man and what do you like about them?  Is it different from controlling? How do you make sure it doesn’t leads to abusive situations? 

I think that some men who adhere to rigid, gender-based stereotypes about how to be a man and the position of women within a social hierarchy (i.e. men with sexist ideas of masculinity) are likely to be abusive. 

[basil67]

I looked up definition of dominant before I answered.  All dictionary responses in terms of human interaction are much the same.  From Merriam-Webster dominant  noun.  sociology : an individual having a controlling, prevailing, or powerful position in a social hierarchy.  

Based on the above definition, I would not find a dominant man attractive at all.   If I'm not given equal voice in decision making, then I'm outta there.    And from all the dictionary definitions I can find, dominant and controlling tend to go hand in hand. 

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by basil67

[Dis]

Idk, I kind of like it when a man is a tad controlling but not overly so...like, babe you're not wearing that because I'm going to have to mess a dude up if you do 

 

Some level of possession is sexy and shows he wants you 

 

Masculinity to me is being self sufficient, a provider, a fixer, a leader, an alpha but also some beta points...enough to be sensitive but still not taking any shyte...couple that with a big burly body...a nice mix of muscle and some fat... dark hair and a beard with broad shoulders to carry you on when he hurls you over them... and a high sex drive to ravage you with...THAT is a man 😩

Edited March 13, 2021 by Dis

[Mrin]

Sorry to butt in here as a dude but one favor to ask. For women who are attracted to dominant men, could you also describe how they make you feel?

Thanks! Carry on. 

Mrin

[d0nnivain]

To borrow a cliché I am what many would classify as an Alpha female.  I work in a male dominated world & can be quite forceful.   Due that I tend to like Dominant, high profile, confident men but not domineering or controlling ones.  It's more a mental thing.  What I sent out to the universe before I met my husband is that I wanted a  man who was strong enough to let me be weak.  I wanted somebody I could lean on, who would be there for me physically, emotionally, financially so I didn't always have to have the laboring oar.  DH makes me feel safe, loved & protected.  He also makes me feel feminine but never squelches my innate strength.  We compliment each other.  But then again all of my good long term relationships were like that to some extent. 

To an outsider many people think I'm the boss of our relationship because I like being in charge.  To anybody who looks closely, I do what I do & DH comes along because he doesn't like planning & isn't nearly as anal as I am but if he has a strong opinion on something & speaks up he gets his way.  He speaks up so infrequently that it seems to me he ought to get his way if it means enough for him to speak / act.  My parents had a similar dynamic. 

Guys who tried to control me, to tell me how to dress, what to eat, how to act, didn't last long in my life.  Anybody who tried to change me was shown the door quickly.  That is not to say I wasn't open to suggestion or genuine help but I wanted nothing to do with somebody who wanted me to be somebody I wasn't. 

 

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Guys who tried to control me, to tell me how to dress, what to eat, how to act, didn't last long in my life. 

 

I’d go so far as to say that controlling people are in fact driven to control because of insecurity. Secure confident men aren’t going to care how you dress, or what you eat etc. If they didn’t appreciate you for whatever reason they’d just leave and find someone else. I think by definition an “alpha” male is going to have a lot of good options. No need to control or assert dominance.

[poppyfields]

What a great question!  Ok, here goes, full disclosure.  A purging of sorts.

I used to be into a sort of dom/sub dynamic, mostly sexually (not BDSM); it was a dynamic both my boyfriend(s) and I enjoyed.

Outside the bedroom (or wherever😳), I was drawn to that dynamic as well - men who were bold, confident, assertive, strong, no-nonsense, take charge, leaders.  Appeared to be immune to any sort of  vulnerability.  The stereotypical alpha or "dominant" man. 

That said, I was never into a boyfriend telling me what to wear or what to do, however my last long term ex did get into a few bar brawls when guys would say something "inappropriate" so he was protective in that sense, which I liked! 

My recent ex and I didn't enjoy the bar scene so that never happened, but I recall one man "hitting on me" while out with him and he said nothing and we simply walked away. 

Tbh, I kinda thought that was a bit "weak" which was how warped my mindset was about the whole "masculine/feminine" energy dynamic back then.  

Now to the present which has been a slow progression and one reason (maybe even the main reason) I just ended my relationship with my "dominant" ex.

I am now embracing a much more multidimensional concept of masculinity.  Distancing myself from these stereotypical labels and roles - men pursue/women respond.  Or women "mirroring" men's actions.  Who the hell gave them all the power, that we as women should base our actions on whatever they're doing, or giving, mirroring them?  

Lol, sorry, a bit of a rant there, just had to get that out.  I may start a separate thread about it. 

Anyway, what I seek now is a man with a blend of characteristics - strength, assertiveness, confident, bold (alpha), combined with kindness, sensitivity, supportive, nurturing (beta). 

There's more, but those are the main characteristics I seek. 

I honestly couldn't care less if he was "take charge," I am perfectly capable of taking charge when necessary and still remain true to my feminine essence. 

My late dad possessed this blend.  He was a strong, successful, self-made man, a US Marine who aggressively fought the front lines, took no shyt from anyone (in a quiet way), an intellectual, a humanitarian. 

He was more nurturing than my mom!  And one of the kindest, most open-minded, compassionate men I've ever known. A giver. 

Never had to raise a fist to anyone, or threaten to, he calmly used his intelligence and intellectualism to make (and win much of the time) any argument or disagreement.  With anyone!  

@shortskirts, addressing your question re dominant men being controlling possibly leading to abuse, yes I experienced this with both my last long term ex and my recent ex.

Verbally anyway, nothing physical.  Might have led to it though had I stayed.  

With my last ex, it was at the end when I confronted him about his drug use and my recent ex, well y'all know about that from my threads.  

Not sure what brought about this change in me, perhaps just me growing and evolving.  I feel good about it though, embracing it! 😂

I'm rethinking all of it, and like I said I'm distancing myself from these one-dimensional stereotypical roles (dominant/passive, masculine/feminine, alpha/beta) they have no value for me and my life anymore.  

 

 

 

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks for all of the opinions.that’s very interesting. Sometimes I think I’d like to be bossed around a bit more, but when it happens I never take it very well. 
😆

 I really didn’t know 100% what exactly a dominant man was to be completely honest with you( same with alpha man)but I see it a lot here too, which is part of the reason I posed the question 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

@Shortskirtslonglashes I understand you not knowing the definition - it's the reason I started with the dictionary before answering.   And it's completely understandable that you don't want to be bossed around.  Or for that matter, live your life according to someone else's plans or ideas.   These days, women have choice and control over their lives....and while it's awesome if a guy comes home and says "honey, I'm taking you to X restaurant tonight", it's fair to want to have a say in both our day to day lives and long term plans. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Shortskirtslonglashes do you think you tend to attract dominant types, or do you tend to be attracted to men with dominant personalities?

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sometimes I think I’d like to be bossed around a bit more, but when it happens I never take it very well. 
😆

And that is the main problem.
We (gen) are all brought up with the idealisation of the strong, powerful, confident and dominant man who will sweep us off our feet, BUT living with that man is virtually impossible for most women in 2021. Whilst we like the idea of that man, the reality is that we don't like being bossed around, we don't like being controlled, we don't really like being seen as "less than", we don't want to be taken for granted, and exploited. We don't want to be frightened into submission nor do we want to  live a miserable existence.
Power and strength tends to corrupt and men in situations where they know they  can rule the roost by throwing their weight around, will then often take advantage.
 

[Fletch Lives]

Dominant is different than controlling. It's gently leading.

In playing or in the bedroom it could be controlling - but it's okay if both parties understand it's just role playing. Again, that could be considered dominant but not controlling.

A control freak is different - they try to control a person's entire life.

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Dominant is different than controlling. It's gently leading.

No, that is not the dictionary meaning of dominant as already pointed out by @basil67 

On 3/13/2021 at 4:47 AM, basil67 said:

From Merriam-Webster dominant  noun.  sociology : an individual having a controlling, prevailing, or powerful position in a social hierarchy.  

 

 

[Fletch Lives]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

From Merriam-Webster dominant  noun.  sociology : an individual having a controlling, prevailing, or powerful position in a social hierarchy.  

That's a control freak. 

I guess according to Mr. Webster, control freaks and dominant is the same thing.

I know Mr. Webster has a lot of status. However, he's no wuv guru!

Edited March 14, 2021 by Fletch Lives

[Gaeta]

When I was younger I thought I liked dominant men and my 1 LTR with a dominant man was the most unhappy and unfulfilling of all. 

I like a man that is confident in himself and can stand his ground when we have a disagreement but I want him to understand I am my own person and do not need 'leading' in any facets of my life. 

That being said I am a woman with a considerable male energy generated by my mind being on the logical side, upbringing as the elder of my siblings, my culture,  and my profession that has required me to lead for 20 years now. 

[Cookiesandough]

9 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Shortskirtslonglashes do you think you tend to attract dominant types, or do you tend to be attracted to men with dominant personalities?

It’s about 50/50 , but I tended not to be attracted to people who were too overbearing, controlling, macho, or that ‘toxic masculinity’ type stuff. I’m rethinking things. How about you 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s about 50/50 , but I tended not to be attracted to people who were too overbearing, controlling, macho, or that ‘toxic masculinity’ type stuff. I’m rethinking things. How about you 

Ex was very dominant, but at first very generous and kind. The domineering traits did not emerge until much later. 

[Mrin]

So I have reticent to say much on this thread since the OP directed this towards women. So if you guys want me to buzz off I will. I did want to share a few thoughts:

Caveat: Masculine/feminine dynamic is something in which i'm keenly interested. I've explored it from all sorts of different angles including BDSM/kink which I'll hit at the end.

PART 1 Relationships (non-kinky): I've talked to a great number of women about "dominant men". Some have been friends, some random folks and a few romantic interests. I wanted to pass along some of the thoughts that they've shared with me regarding what they see as a dominant man in no particular order. 

NOTE: most of these aren't direct quotes but more my recollections. So take them for what they're worth

• I want a man that will lead in the relationship. I am so tired of making all of the decisions, having to take care of everything. I just want one part of my life where someone else takes the lead and I follow
• Even something as simple as picking out the restaurant we're going to eat at... omg I am so tired of doing that
• I am tired of feeling like i'm the one who is holding the relationship together. Having to be the one that is always figuring us out. I want a man to step up and take the lead on that
• I am sick of tip toeing around men's fragile egos. I want a guy who wont get butt hurt if things don't go as planned or if I call him out on his sh*t
• I want a man who isn't afraid to call me out on my sh*t. Tell me when i'm wrong
• I want a man who can say sorry without just saying "sorry" all the time
• I want to be able to go into woman/feminine mode around him and know that he won't just drop all the balls
• I want a man who knows where we're going in a relationship and is caring enough to bring me in on the plan and talk me into it
• I really with he would just do stuff without me asking/telling him to. I hate feeling like a nag and somehow everything, including what he is supposed to do, is now my responsibility
• I want a dominant man who will tell me what he's thinking and feeling and do it using complete sentences. I am so sick of reading between the lines
• I know it sounds crazy but I love it when he orders for me at nicer restaurants without even asking what I want. It is like he just knows
• I hate getting exactly what I told him to buy for me for birthdays etc... 
• When I ask his opinion on something I am so tired of hearing "I dunno, what do you want?"! I'm like dude, that's why I am asking you!
• I want to feel desired. Wooed. I want him to initiate sex and that's something more than just rolling over at 10pm and saying "you wanna?" I hate feeling like sex with me is a neck and neck tie with another episode on Netflix
• Dominant men to me are men with ambition. AND men take action towards their ambitions. The only thing worse than a man with no ambition is a man with ambitions but is too lazy or chicken to do anything about them
• For me a dominant man is someone I can respect. Hands down. Respect is everything. I'm so tired of pushovers
• I know this sounds weird but I like men who say "f*ck" at appropriate moments. LOL. Not all the time but a good "f*ck" every now and then gets my attention
• I want a man with whom I can absolutely lose my marbles and break down with and know it won't freak him out. That he'll be there for me when I'm weak
• I want a man who is confident enough to celebrate my successes and not feel threatened by them
• I want a man strong enough that he doesn't feel the need to completely understand me and my feelings for them to be valid and gentle enough to want to hear/know them anyhow

Anyhow, those are just some of the nuggets that have been shared with me in the past. They weren't all specifically voiced about "dominant" men per se (that wasn't the exact term in every conversation) but generally they all came out in conversations about dominant/alpha/strong/masculine men. So I thought I'd share...

PART 2 Dominants (kinky BDSM): Yeah, I've definitely explored this site of the equation too. These won't be paraphrased quotes but rather just my thoughts as I think the lines between kinky and non-kinky dominance can get blurry as evidenced by some posts above.

So, I'm sure some people on FetLife would disagree with what I am about to say but screw 'em, they're not here. The first thing you need to know about dominance as part of kink is that the dominant acts are the fun. So some of the more shocking "dominant" acts mentioned above are the fun. And they're wanted not imposed unilaterally. As such, the acts or aspects of the dominant/submissive relationship are discussed and continue to be discussed throughout the kinky relationship. They're also discussed as equals. The agreements that come into play through these discussions are law. And the result is the foundation upon which trust is built. Trust is everything in kinky relationships. So, for example, if a submissive were to say to his/her dominant "I don't want to be told what to wear" that's law. That's a bright line. If the dominant were to step over that line and try to tell the submissive what to wear that would be grounds for terminating the relationship because that is an intentional violation of trust. I know many kinksters who would end it on the spot. No second chances.

Think about that now. And how that is almost never the case in vanilla relationships. They're just so.... squishy. 

Okay. back to d/s in kink. There are two general flavors of this: situational and 24/7. Situational is just what you think - that dynamic only exists in certain situations like the bedroom. Situational d/s is pretty common. It allows the submissive to get some submissive time without having it take over his/her relationship life. It also allows for more extensive or extreme dominance and just isn't practical outside of the bedroom. So being bossed around or controlled completely is something that can be compartmentalized and explored but doesn't become all consuming. 24/7 is a different matter. That's when you bring the d/s into all aspect of the relationship. In the stereotypical Man/Dom and Woman/sub pairing, she's submissive to him in the entirety of their relationship. She can still be a bada** dominant alpha woman in every aspect of her life, but with him, he's the dominant. Again, these sort of arrangements are all custom tailored by the parties involved and always evolving.

Okay so now that we have that out of the way, here a few things I've noticed over the years:

1. Don't judge a book by its cover! A good number of dominant people (in public life) want to be submissive in their romantic lives. This goes for both men and women! And, submissive people (in their public lives) often crave being dominant in their romantic lives. I can't tell you the number women friends I have that said something like, "he seemed like such a dominant man (CEO, big tough guy, etc) but my God, the guy was a wet noodle in our relationship".

2. Until you should. That's not always the case. There are also plenty of folks who are dominant in their entire lives.... or submissive.

3. How do you discern between the these folks and the ones I mentioned above? Talking. Communication. But also paying incredible attention to actions. And this goes for both kinky and non-kinky relationships. The road to hell is paved with unspoken unmet expectations. 

4. Dominant doesn't mean controlling. I don't care what Webster's dictionary says. It doesn't mean controlling... until it does. 😉 But, when it does, it should be something that is openly discussed and agreed to by both parties. Kinky or non-kinky. 

5. Dominant means having your act together, being willing to lead and being good at it. Look, we've all had domineering people in our lives. Bosses. Exes. Friends. Parents. I don't know about you, but when I think of a domineering person in my life I typically don't have that high of an opinion of them. They have fragile egos. They're shrill. Rash. Petty. Poor decision makers. Uncaring. But, the dominant people in my life are the complete opposite. They're people to whom I look up. I trust. They have their acts together, are willing to lead and good at it. 

6. A dominant's power comes from the other. Okay back to kink but this hold true in the non-kinky world too. A dominant's power in kink comes exclusively from the submissive. If the submissive revokes his/her submission, a dom is powerless. It is like this: the submissive is the shareholder, the dominant is the CEO. The shareholder hires the CEO to run the company but the shareholder can fire the CEO at any time. That's how it works in BDSM. And that's how it works in vanilla life too. A dominant person is only dominant if people follow and grant him/her that power. Otherwise, they're just another guy/gal. And, if they're simply relying on structural support for their dominance (e.g. their title at work, the relative size or aggression in a relationship) then they're not dominant. They're just domineering and probably an a**hole. 

Okay, hope I didn't hijack the thread. Just wanted to toss these things out to further the conversation. I'll back out now. Thanks OP for bringing this up. 

Mrin

[Alpacalia]

My response wasn't meant as a positive. I would never date someone that domineering again.

[basil67]

@Mrin All those women you've quoted, I don't agree that the traits they are asking for are dominant.  Rather, most of them revolve around the guy being in tune with his partner, assertive, proactive and not goofing off when it comes to mental load.

Though this bit below is weird:

On 3/15/2021 at 3:09 PM, Mrin said:

I want to be able to go into woman/feminine mode around him and know that he won't just drop all the balls

I'm guessing it means she wants to drop into a woman's traditional place of running the home while he earns the income?   It's such a vague and convoluted way of expressing herself.  If a guy can't understand what she means, that's on her.

[Weezy1973]

I’m guessing woman would be fine with a dominant man (or the man taking charge, or “gently leading”) as long as the man was leading them in the direction they already want to go.

But that’s why it’s problematic. Then it’s not really dominant is it? Both partners are different and have different needs and wants in different areas. For one partner (the man or woman) to dominate as if their needs / wants are more important or the “right” ones would be the signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

[Mrin]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Mrin

I'm guessing it means she wants to drop into a woman's traditional place of running the home while he earns the income?   It's such a vague and convoluted way of expressing herself.  If a guy can't understand what she means, that's on her.

Ha. Ya I remember the context of that conversation well. She was talking about a romantic weekend that her ex had asked her on to go up into the mountains to a music festival. She had offered to help plan it but he said "naw I got it". She's pretty take charge but she was thrilled to have a weekend away with someone else doing all the planning for once. 

Well it turns out he didn't have it. No hotel reservations and the place was booked up. Had to stay 20 miles away. No restaurant reservations so they ended up having to eat fast food. And no tickets to the festival and it was sold out. Oy vey. 

[basil67]

Ah, this is much clearer.  Again, I don't see this as the man being dominant.  He's simply come up with a plan, pitched the idea, she loves the idea and he runs with it.  I'd call this "taking initiative" 

Edited March 17, 2021 by basil67

[deepthinking]

On 3/13/2021 at 5:38 AM, Mrin said:

Sorry to butt in here as a dude but one favor to ask. For women who are attracted to dominant men, could you also describe how they make you feel?

Thanks! Carry on. 

Mrin

If we agree on things generally,  then I can feel secure that I am pleasing him, and really,  there is no point being contrary just  so I can be the louder one. So he could dominste me leading to 20 happy secure years.  Left for other reasons.   But if you don't agree, he will want to win, and some men get shouty to silence a woman

I do not mind who dominates who, i have a very ,meek guy atm,  but i am not  all that dominant by nature. {I am in business, but not love} Two lovers both  trying to dominate would be a very short affair. I think men lnaturally ike to dominate, though i suspect this is old-fashioned, not sure.

Edited March 17, 2021 by deepthinking