Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[BaileyB]

Vivalvani, what does he have to say or do for you to leave this relationship? 

[BaileyB]

On 3/31/2021 at 1:06 PM, Vivalavi said:

at least I would see real him. I would see more than just who he is behind his messages and my perfect fantasy of him. I would hope to see his true colors.

Kindly, he has shown you his true colours. You just don’t want to believe it. You continue to invest in the fantasy, despite all evidence to the contrary... 

[Snakesalive]

On 3/30/2021 at 2:33 PM, Vivalavi said:

ways. And here I am wondering why I can't let go. Why I keep holding onto him and breaking my own heart! Over

I think this key . I’m not sure if you have a therapist but this would be good to explore 

For me I hoped I would just one day be able to let go -like I’d suddenly wake up having had some kind of epiphany.  It’s taken me a while but I realise that’s not how it is -letting go is a choice -it’s an irrevocable decision we have to make for ourselves-not something passive that just happens.  
It takes a lot of work it will hurt but believe me holding on is far more painful in the long run. 
 

There’s something about timing -letting go  when the time is right for you -maybe it’s not your time yet although remember the longer you hold on to something that isn’t right for you the more time you waste -life is too precious for that isn’t it? 

Will you wait until you’re discovered and have the excruciating feelings of self loathing  when you realise you risked and lost for someone who you have no real future with? If it were a friend in your situation I’m sure you’d advise her to let go .
 

[Snakesalive]

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

ask me if I am adDICKted to you

The  way he’s expressed this is tacky beyond words but actually is there some truth in it ? aren’t you addicted? being in an affair is addictive our brains resemble those of addicts in so many ways -we know our addiction is bad for us but we can’t let go ...  he knows he’s your drug of choice and he clearly  thinks it’s amusing to refer to it in the way he has -he’s making fun of something that’s tearing you apart -nice people don’t do that to people they care about 

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Vivalavi]

On 4/7/2021 at 11:10 AM, BaileyB said:

Kindly, he has shown you his true colours. You just don’t want to believe it. You continue to invest in the fantasy, despite all evidence to the contrary... 

Sadly, you are right! You are always right!  That's all I can say. 

[Vivalavi]

On 4/7/2021 at 4:35 PM, Snakesalive said:

The  way he’s expressed this is tacky beyond words but actually is there some truth in it ? aren’t you addicted? being in an affair is addictive our brains resemble those of addicts in so many ways -we know our addiction is bad for us but we can’t let go ...  he knows he’s your drug of choice and he clearly  thinks it’s amusing to refer to it in the way he has -he’s making fun of something that’s tearing you apart -nice people don’t do that to people they care about 

 

You know what's crazy? For a second I thought it was funny what he said even though deep down it felt very weird. While I was driving today, I was thinking about what you said about letting go. It is true it has to be my decision instead of kinda waiting for a miracle to happen on its own. I guess I'm not ready yet.

[Vivalavi]

I was thinking about my situation and MM a lot today. I simply can't understand some things. I'm a bad wife obviously, however, I don't go on any social media and pretend to be this wonderful happy family and loving spouse as he often does. Seeing him all smiling with his wife makes me wonder how can he be like that and sleep with someone else. I also wonder how much pain his wife has to feel being suspicious of him and seeing him in his phone a lot. The pain I feel is too much sometimes so I can't imagine what she might be feeling. This is what I'm trying to think of to stop having feelings for him. 

We were supposed to see each other a couple days ago. He canceled saying his friend had a car problems and he was going to get him. He said please don't hate me! Honestly, I didn't believe him. I told him that if he doesn't want to meet me he can just tell me.  I don't want to continue this if he isn't excited to see me as much as I'm happy to see him. He said- I would tell you. I promise! He also said he enjoys time with me and is excited to see me. I wish I could believe everything he says. Each time he says "I promise" I think about promises he made to his wife. And how empty they turned out. So why those promises he gives to me should have any value? 

I keep telling myself I have to let go over and over again to no avail. I just keep torturing myself for a few messages a day and seeing him once a month. Why is it worth it?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

Each time he says "I promise" I think about promises he made to his wife. And how empty they turned out. So why those promises he gives to me should have any value? 

They don’t. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I keep telling myself I have to let go over and over again to no avail. I just keep torturing myself for a few messages a day and seeing him once a month. Why is it worth it?

It’s not. Or, at least it wouldn’t be for me. You are obviously getting something from this relationship - what is that? Love? No, this isn’t love as I would define it. Companionship? No. Validation? Maybe. Escapism? Most definitely. 

At some point Vivalani, you are going to need to face the facts. You are going to have to deal with the hard truths and make the hard decisions. Until then, you will continue to seek your drug of choice. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

, I don't go on any social media and pretend to be this wonderful happy family and loving spouse as he often does. Seeing him all smiling with his wife makes me wonder 

He probably is happily married. He's just a feeding you the typical "wife doesn't understand me" lines.

Of course he's "seeing another woman" every day and night he sees his wife.

Unfortunately your situation is different. You're unhappily married.

He's your escape, your band-aid from your marriage.

You're just some drive through snack he doesn't tell his wife about.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. The only common factor is selfishness and extreme disregard for the rights and feelings of others.

People who have affairs are actors with roles and scripts concocted in thier own minds to rationalize.

Often the script is the spouse is tying them down. They're the victim and the saint.

Step away from this disaster. Get divorced and consider getting to a physician about the depression and anxiety.

Edited April 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Snakesalive]

16 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

eeing him all smiling with his wife makes me wonder how can he be like that and sleep with someone else.

He’s adept at compartmentalising his life -that’s how. My ex posted a really gushing tribute to his wife on Facebook during our relationship-even though I knew I had no right to be hurt I was . When I told him he came out with a line about how he was crying when he wrote it because it wasn’t representative of how he felt but how he wanted to feel !!!! At the time I believed him and actually felt sorry for him -so thick  was the affair fog ...

[Stupidkupid]

6 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

He’s adept at compartmentalising his life -that’s how. My ex posted a really gushing tribute to his wife on Facebook during our relationship-even though I knew I had no right to be hurt I was . When I told him he came out with a line about how he was crying when he wrote it because it wasn’t representative of how he felt but how he wanted to feel !!!! At the time I believed him and actually felt sorry for him -so thick  was the affair fog ...

Yep.

I'm someone who is actually now in a relationship the MM i had an A with and every time he went away or did something with his xWife I was crushed.

In my case much of the stuff he told me was true but so, so exaggerated to make him appear more favourible to me. And to keep me hanging on.

I don't want the OP to consider this post a validation or that her MM is telling her the truth.

I'm saying it because:

1) my affair, like almost all affairs, was awful. It hurt me. It hurt the BS. It hurt the MM. It hurts.

2) even in cases where they are basicslly truthful... its probably not wholly truthful. He has an agenda. So do you. Conscious or not.

3) In my case MM only ever let me down when he was sick and he'd prove it. He would do anything to be with me. This was wrong at the time, obviously, but at least it waa clear i had value to him. You are not even getting thIs.

4) i did not speak to my MM for 2 years. At all. I cut him off. I was doing awful things to myself and to his xWife and i got therapy and i walked away. It took 6 months to feel human again but the therapy was everything for me.

5) in that time he made decisions and also had therapy. We eventually found our way back and are together now but this is rare and i WAS NOT WAITING FOR HIM or hoping he would come back. I had moved on. And you must too. Don't stalk his SM. Move on. Do it for yourself if you can't do it for the BS's involved here 

6) therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.

 

 

[Vivalavi]

On 4/10/2021 at 5:55 PM, BaileyB said:

They don’t. 

It’s not. Or, at least it wouldn’t be for me. You are obviously getting something from this relationship - what is that? Love? No, this isn’t love as I would define it. Companionship? No. Validation? Maybe. Escapism? Most definitely. 

At some point Vivalani, you are going to need to face the facts. You are going to have to deal with the hard truths and make the hard decisions. Until then, you will continue to seek your drug of choice. 

It is my escape for sure! And at the same time it's such a torture. It consumes 70 % of my thoughts. It hurts. There is a fight in me between doing what's right and what feels good for a few little moments. I see the hard truths and ignore them at the same time. Ugh...

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

It consumes 70 % of my thoughts.

Because you chose this for yourself. If it hurts, it’s because you chose this for yourself.
As you say, the “hit” that you get from the contact you have with the man dulls the pain, but only for a short period of time. 

[Vivalavi]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I keep coming back here. It helps me to keep my sanity. This, whatever that is between my MM and  I, feels like a torture so often. I don't want to think of him as much as I do. I don't want to overthink things he says anymore. I told him that I feel like a piece of booty for him for something he said. He replied he was just joking. He asked me what do I want him to feel. I said I want to mean more than just some meaningless sex. His response was that he already told me once or twice that's not just the case. He said he isn't the one speaking his feelings though.  Feelings. Right.  I feel pretty lost at this point. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

His response was that he already told me once or twice that's not just the case.

He’s told you once or twice that you mean more to him than meaningless sex. 
Nice guy. Really thoughtful. And caring. 

Vivalani, if you want more for yourself you will have to require more. 
In saying that, I don’t mean that you will need to require more - from this man. He is a lost cause. 
If you want more for yourself, you will have to require more of yourself. You will have to require more from the man you chose to date. 

If you are willing to settle for a man who tells you that he has told you “once or twice” that he thinks of you are more than random sex, well... you will get exactly only that. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

Thank you everyone for your responses. I keep coming back here. It helps me to keep my sanity. This, whatever that is between my MM and  I, feels like a torture so often. I don't want to think of him as much as I do. I don't want to overthink things he says anymore. I told him that I feel like a piece of booty for him for something he said. He replied he was just joking. He asked me what do I want him to feel. I said I want to mean more than just some meaningless sex. His response was that he already told me once or twice that's not just the case. He said he isn't the one speaking his feelings though.  Feelings. Right.  I feel pretty lost at this point. 

What a guy.

Someone knight him

[Vivalavi]

On 4/14/2021 at 3:32 PM, Stupidkupid said:

What a guy.

Someone knight him

As ridiculous as my post sounds, your answer made me giggle! 

[Vivalavi]

I have been thinking a lot lately. This emotional rollercoaster is getting worse every day. What is the best way to end it? I don't want to just delete him or ignore him. I feel like I want to tell him that I am giving up and why. That he can only play so much with one's heart before it breaks. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 minute ago, Vivalavi said:

I have been thinking a lot lately. This emotional rollercoaster is getting worse every day. What is the best way to end it? I don't want to just delete him or ignore him. I feel like I want to tell him that I am giving up and why. That he can only play so much with one's heart before it breaks. 

Honestly, I sent a message saying I was out them blocked immediately. I didn't wait for a reply. Made sure he could not reply. Worked on moving on.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel like I want to tell him that I am giving up and why. 

Honesty is the best policy. He won't be hurt or shocked. Simply state being a mistress is unfulfilling when you would rather have a BF of your own.

[Snakesalive]

11 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

m. I feel like I want to tell him that I am giving up and why.

I think first and foremost you have to be really  honest with yourself on why you want to give him an explanation for ending the affair and what you want to get out of this contact  . If you are serious about ending this send him a message and then block him -if you can’t do this ask yourself why you’re leaving the door open to a reply and a conversation with him....

[NYAG]

13 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I have been thinking a lot lately. This emotional rollercoaster is getting worse every day. What is the best way to end it? I don't want to just delete him or ignore him. I feel like I want to tell him that I am giving up and why. That he can only play so much with one's heart before it breaks. 

Honestly the best way to end it is just to delete AND ignore him. He doesn't deserve your time or your energy. Stop justifying him. You've already had it out with him and nothing has changed. He doesn't care.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I think first and foremost you have to be really  honest with yourself on why you want to give him an explanation for ending the affair and what you want to get out of this contact  .

This. Are you hoping that he will tell you that he loves you and he wants to continue when you have this conversation? Because, if you are truly done there is no need for a conversation. A simple text that says, “I’ve decided this is not what I want anymore” should do the trick. 

[jah526]

59 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This. Are you hoping that he will tell you that he loves you and he wants to continue when you have this conversation? Because, if you are truly done there is no need for a conversation. A simple text that says, “I’ve decided this is not what I want anymore” should do the trick. 

Yup. Don't engage. I sent a message saying "I'm done" and he replied that he was too. And that was that (more or less - he still made a few feeble attempts later, but I stuck to what I wrote).

[Snakesalive]

18 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

don't want to just delete him or ignore him.

Why not-what’s holding you back? What do you want to gain ? 
 Write  a list of all the reasons for why  you don’t want to delete or ignore him then analyse it honestly -my guess is you’re hoping telling him will shock him into action , spark a  conversation that will be enough to make you stay and be happy for  him to keep throwing you the odd crumb or  maybe you think this way you’ll get some closure , ( you won’t ) maybe you think he will show himself to be the person you want him to be Not  the person he is , that suddenly he’ll care that he’s broken your heart - sorry but in your soul searching haven’t you realised his words mean nothing ? 

Why not be the person you want to be -at peace , not on a constant emotional roller coaster , in control of your life and with some self respect and dignity?