Would you feel hurt if your MM cheats on you? Update: He ended it.

[Lottiexcx]

5 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

 But still I also understand it from your point of view. And I think I feed his ego. I listen non-judgemenal as he pours out his fears and sadness, I keep his secrets. He expects me to remain loyal. So do you deserve the right to ask him. Yes. And he should be honest. Afterall this is an honest relationship. He’s been honest with you about his marriage. So it’s what you do with the answer. Hopefully he tells the truth. And If the answer is yes. Unfortunately you do not have a right to be angry or yell. But you do have the right to not accept it and move on. 

I agree. 
It could be said that as the OW we are owed nothing. But as someone who listens to their MM, soothes his ego, is there when they need us, I think the least they owe us is to hear us out when we ask or raise concerns about their loyalty to us. Ironic, yes I know. And they could very easily lie anyway. Or brush off your concerns. 
 

It is in asking the questions that we start to learn who they are and how unhappy we feel in the affair. And in their responses that we learn even more. 
 

MM would also say ‘I don’t have time to see any more women’ (he blatantly did) and ‘stop interrogating me, I get enough of that at home’. After a while of keeping the peace by not asking, you realise how you’re jumping through hoops to keep an affair going when you know in your heart that it’s going nowhere. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Lottiexcx

[Vivalavi]

22 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I know it's hard, but try looking at the situation objectively, without the emotions. Given everything he has shown you about who he is ( not who you want him to be or wish he was) what do you think is happening? Do you think he ha sit in him to be "faithful" to just you?

I'm struggling with separating my emotions from what my head is telling me. However, I can see that if he is able to be unfaithful to someone he married and shares his life with, what keeps him from being the same way with me? Nothing.

[Vivalavi]

On 3/13/2021 at 4:26 AM, basil67 said:

If he can have one on the side, why not have two?   

I guess because I would not want anyone else. One is more than enough. But that's just me, I know. 

[Vivalavi]

22 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 

So where do you see the relationship going? 

It is not going anywhere. He sees it as friends with benefits kinda deal. Plus he is so much younger. Also, I could never trust him. He told me he cheated on his wife before they got actually married. I wonder if she knew about that...

[Vivalavi]

22 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Gently, if you have to ask the man you are “dating” whether he is dating another woman, it doesn’t really matter if he is “nice” answering all those questions. If he wants to keep you interested, it would serve him well to be “nice.” If he gets upset, it’s a sure sign that something is up and he is suddenly down one sex partner. 

Some people are capable of lying with a straight face. I’m sure he is very “nice” to his wife, he still lies to her every single day. 

Married men are in the business of making women feel good. Most women would not have sex with a married man if they told the truth - so, they present themselves and a charming, feel good kind of guy who makes you smile. They tend to throw out a few standard lines about their marriage and because you have also been lonely in your marriage and it’s easy for you to project how you were feeling on his marriage. But, the simple truth is - a man who sends you xxx pics and videos is looking for sex. That’s what you would think if you were both single, would you not? If you met him online and he was a single guy, sending you xxx pics and masturbation videos, would you say “He is such a sweet man and he makes me feel so good” or would you say “Gross! What is wrong with this guy? This is very inappropriate and I don’t want to date this man?”  

If he is sending xxx pics to you shortly after meeting you - the chances are highly likely that he is doing the same to other women. 

It the famous Maya Angelou quote... “When people show you who they truly are, believe them.” What do we know about this guy - that he is dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy, and sex is a prime motivator for him. He’s willing to do almost anything to get it, and he doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. 

When you say, I want to believe that he is who I think he is - WHO I WANT HIM TO BE... you are projecting. This kind of emotional reasoning often leads us down the wrong path... As pepperbird says, take a step back and look at this objectively. If you were both single, would you accept this from a man? If this was your best friend or your daughter, would you advise her to stay in this relationship? 

BaileyB, your post made me all teary. So much true and wisdom in your words. If I was single and he was the one married or single, I would find his n-aughty pics very wrong. Honestly, when he first mentioned it I told him I like to keep some things mystery. I told him I don't wanna see. But as we talked more and more, he eased me into it. First his undies pics and then everything else followed. My standards got low. I did things I said I would never do just because he asked me. Oh, so stupid. It took him a while but he achieved it. 

You know what's funny though? When we first started to talk, he said he doesn't send d*** pics. Oh what a BS that was!!!

I'm struggling to listen to my head instead of my heart, but with each day and each post I read here, I'm starting to see clearly more and more. Thank you for that!

 

[Vivalavi]

16 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

I see the point to your concern. As I have had the same concerns. And it upsets me. But I know I am definitely not more special than the woman he loves. And If they can do this to the woman they love then imagine all they’ll do to us. After all we’re just the side piece. They don’t owe us anything. 
When I look at it from the outside as I’m looking into your story I can see how others would be upset and not understand our logic. But still I also understand it from your point of view. And I think I feed his ego. I listen non-judgemenal as he pours out his fears and sadness, I keep his secrets. He expects me to remain loyal. So do you deserve the right to ask him. Yes. And he should be honest. Afterall this is an honest relationship. He’s been honest with you about his marriage. So it’s what you do with the answer. Hopefully he tells the truth. And If the answer is yes. Unfortunately you do not have a right to be angry or yell. But you do have the right to not accept it and move on. 

You and I both! They love to have their egos feed. I think that's a huge part of it. He knows I see him as someone special. He gets his boost. 

When I asked if he is seeing anyone, he replied no. Then also said I promise I'm not! He said he doesn't really want to and also because he barely can see me due to his schedule. 

I also told him how hearing from him after several hours makes me feel. He said he will try to do better. Well, guess what? That lasted one day! It's all words...

[Bittersweetie]

When I first started talking to xAP, I had this idea that we were "meant to be"...despite the fact we were both on AM and that's how we met. But in my head, we both needed each other in some way and we luckily found each other and that was worth a lot.

Then he messaged me to tell me, hey, I am with someone else, and I can't give you the attention you deserve, can we just be friends? I was shocked, then so, so angry. How dare he! We had something special! Why didn't he have the courage to recognize that? I was okay if he had to be with his wife, but having another OW...again, how dare he?

I conveniently disregarded the fact that here was someone who had multiple women on a string. And the result of that is months later when I reached out again, we "connected" again and I got sucked back in. And I finally learned that he was talking to me again because he'd separated from his wife and the OW had ended things. I was just a bandaid for him.

So yes, I was hurt to find out my xAP had another OW. I wish I'd taken that as a sign to get myself together and stop making poor choices. Instead I made it all about him and got sucked back in months later. I created this narrative that we were special and ignored the reality of his having another OW and ignored what I was doing as well. The result was so, so much pain.

You have a chance here to back away and clear your head, and decide how you want to move forward in your life. If I were you I'd take that chance and run with it.

Edited March 15, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

BaileyB, your post made me all teary. So much true and wisdom in your words. If I was single and he was the one married or single, I would find his n-aughty pics very wrong. Honestly, when he first mentioned it I told him I like to keep some things mystery. I told him I don't wanna see. But as we talked more and more, he eased me into it. First his undies pics and then everything else followed. My standards got low. I did things I said I would never do just because he asked me. Oh, so stupid. It took him a while but he achieved it. 

Hugs. 

That sad truth to this post is that he has been pushing your boundaries, and every time he does that (every time he sends you a xxx pic and you keep him around), you are showing him that he can keep pushing. So then, he sends you an explicit video... you say you don’t want it, but you continue to engage with the man which tells him that you don’t enforce boundaries. 

You are treating this like a relationship - you want romance, you like to keep some mystery, you want regular communication and affection, you want him to care about your feelings and your wishes... and he is treating this like an affair - the focus for him is sex, he is less interested in communicating/showing affection and doing only what is required to keep the sex flowing. 

Friend, if you want a man who is considerate of your feelings and your needs, you would be much better served to find a boyfriend, not an affair partner. Your needs are not being met by this man - he does not have the time (he is already attending to his other obligations, work, wife, family)  or the interest (he should much rather send you a masturbation video and have some dirty fun together).  

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you or not, but it may be worth trying.

take a sheet of paper (not your computer) and write down the pros and cons of the relationship. Be as honest with yourself as you can, and once you;re done, write down how you feel. revisit this each day for a week, and add any items to the list, recording your feelings each day.
At the end of the week, review what you've written and it will help you get a clearer picture of what's going on. Ask yourself if it's all worth it.

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm struggling with separating my emotions from what my head is telling me. However, I can see that if he is able to be unfaithful to someone he married and shares his life with, what keeps him from being the same way with me? Nothing.

It takes time. I realise that the way I process my emotions and how I rationalise situations like this, I just need to be kind to myself and allow for it to sort itself out. I provide myself with enough distraction and make sure I am finding things that affirm my choices. Above all I never build someone into my life enough that everything collapses around me if things go wrong. Sure it hurts and it sucks bad, but I still have my life, my work, my friends, my independence. Never give your all to a partner of any type. You need a safety net. It's taken me 5 years to perfect this plan, and I'm now testing it out properly for the first time, so check back with me in time to see if the theory is still working!

[Vivalavi]

On 3/15/2021 at 11:31 AM, NYAG said:

It takes time. I realise that the way I process my emotions and how I rationalise situations like this, I just need to be kind to myself and allow for it to sort itself out. I provide myself with enough distraction and make sure I am finding things that affirm my choices. Above all I never build someone into my life enough that everything collapses around me if things go wrong. Sure it hurts and it sucks bad, but I still have my life, my work, my friends, my independence. Never give your all to a partner of any type. You need a safety net. It's taken me 5 years to perfect this plan, and I'm now testing it out properly for the first time, so check back with me in time to see if the theory is still working!

That makes sense. I know I'm struggling with codependency issues and abandonment fears. My dad was an alcoholic as long as a remember. My mom was abused by him mentally and physically, yet, she never left him. I always wished she would divorce him. But here I am. Went through emotional and physical abuse myself which after some counseling got better, however, a part of me never came back. That's why I feel no longer that connection I had with my husband. And just like my mom I am stuck. Although, I doubt she ever cheated on him. I'm happy for you and finding a way to deal with your own struggles!

[Vivalavi]

On 3/15/2021 at 10:36 AM, BaileyB said:

Hugs. 

That sad truth to this post is that he has been pushing your boundaries, and every time he does that (every time he sends you a xxx pic and you keep him around), you are showing him that he can keep pushing. So then, he sends you an explicit video... you say you don’t want it, but you continue to engage with the man which tells him that you don’t enforce boundaries. 

You are treating this like a relationship - you want romance, you like to keep some mystery, you want regular communication and affection, you want him to care about your feelings and your wishes... and he is treating this like an affair - the focus for him is sex, he is less interested in communicating/showing affection and doing only what is required to keep the sex flowing. 

Friend, if you want a man who is considerate of your feelings and your needs, you would be much better served to find a boyfriend, not an affair partner. Your needs are not being met by this man - he does not have the time (he is already attending to his other obligations, work, wife, family)  or the interest (he should much rather send you a masturbation video and have some dirty fun together).  

Yes, he was pushing them from the beginning. I'm so glad I never deleted our messages from those first days. He asked me if I would ever want more than kissing while that was all I wanted back then. Always telling me how he likes to keep me on the edge with texts and by not giving me all I want. He kept asking for pics and I gave him less revealing versions. When he asked for more and I gave in, I felt so bad. I was torn between pleasing him and what I was thinking wasn't okay to show.

Also, you couldn't be more right about my need for a relationship. I want him to care how my day is, what's going on in my life since I always ask about his. He, on the other hand, is just like you described him.

 

[NYAG]

13 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Yes, he was pushing them from the beginning. I'm so glad I never deleted our messages from those first days. He asked me if I would ever want more than kissing while that was all I wanted back then. Always telling me how he likes to keep me on the edge with texts and by not giving me all I want. He kept asking for pics and I gave him less revealing versions. When he asked for more and I gave in, I felt so bad. I was torn between pleasing him and what I was thinking wasn't okay to show.

Also, you couldn't be more right about my need for a relationship. I want him to care how my day is, what's going on in my life since I always ask about his. He, on the other hand, is just like you described him.

 

Sounds like he was absolutely in it for the chase. I've not had this with an MM. It was all or nothing on both sides. I see all sorts of red flags here.

[NYAG]

30 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

That makes sense. I know I'm struggling with codependency issues and abandonment fears. My dad was an alcoholic as long as a remember. My mom was abused by him mentally and physically, yet, she never left him. I always wished she would divorce him. But here I am. Went through emotional and physical abuse myself which after some counseling got better, however, a part of me never came back. That's why I feel no longer that connection I had with my husband. And just like my mom I am stuck. Although, I doubt she ever cheated on him. I'm happy for you and finding a way to deal with your own struggles!

People don't realise the damage they do to their families and how impressionable these kinds of relationships are on your future happiness. Recognising this and being able to decode how your relationship behaviour now, is influenced by your past is huge and is a powerful weapon in your tool box. I had a ton of shitty relationships where I was undermined, cheated on, my confidence destroyed etc etc and I finally worked it out and got out of the cycle. I just went cold turkey and single. I have now found a midway point where I can have a man in my life but not rely on him. Now, I'm not sure I could give that up. It's going to have to be some seriously amazing guy that gets me to let my guard down long enough to give up my independence and I'm not sure he exists. Meanwhile I remain in complete (well most of the time) physical and emotional control of my relationships and this is specifically why I have gone into a relationship with an MM. It's been my only coping strategy given that I don't want to be alone. I guess if that was picked apart it would interesting.

[Amethyst68]

On 3/14/2021 at 11:04 PM, Sol Flor said:

Afterall this is an honest relationship. He’s been honest with you about his marriage. 

What makes you think this? This is someone who thinks nothing of cheating on the woman he says he loves, who obviously is living a normal married life with her if she's able to post current pictures of the pair of them. 

OP if your that unhappy in your marriage deal with it. Divorce and move on, meet someone who's available and live an authentic life. 

[Vivalavi]

Thank you all for you responses. It helps me to read them over and over again, not to mention reading other posts from OW/MM about their own feelings that I can relate to. As of right now, I'm still struggling to see this for what it is. Some days are better, some are worse. I guess my fantasy of him keeps me away from the reality of my own marriage. I keep thinking of him a lot. About times together.  I feel addicted to his messages and to him. He told me he is worse than a drug. Now I believe him.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He told me he is worse than a drug. Now I believe him.

Wouldn't you consider this a quite inflated ego? Don't buy into his BS.

[NYAG]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wouldn't you consider this a quite inflated ego? Don't buy into his BS.

Yes, he seems very self congratulatory. A red flag in my book.

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

He told me he is worse than a drug.

If you haven’t already read posts about the affects dopamine and other chemicals have on the brain -I’m no expert but they’re all part of the affair fog  that’s created -the feelings of an affair absolutely make us feel high that’s why they’re so intoxicating but who wants to be dependent on drugs to get through life ? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I guess my fantasy of him keeps me away from the reality of my own marriage.

Like a drug, he is your coping strategy of choice.
Unfortunately, this is not a very healthy coping strategy. 

At some point, you will have to address the real issue - your childhood trauma, your marriage, your self esteem and dysfunctional relationship patterns - and work to develop some better coping strategies. A counsellor could help you to do this in a better way than an affair partner... your affair partner is an escape. Unfortunately, the things that we put of dealing with don’t usually go away... 

Edited March 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Vivalavi]

21 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Like a drug, he is your coping strategy of choice.
Unfortunately, this is not a very healthy coping strategy. 

At some point, you will have to address the real issue - your childhood trauma, your marriage, your self esteem and dysfunctional relationship patterns - and work to develop some better coping strategies. A counsellor could help you to do this in a better way than an affair partner... your affair partner is an escape. Unfortunately, the things that we put of dealing with don’t usually go away... 

Your wisdom never stops amaze me! Thank you! 

[Vivalavi]

22 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

If you haven’t already read posts about the affects dopamine and other chemicals have on the brain -I’m no expert but they’re all part of the affair fog  that’s created -the feelings of an affair absolutely make us feel high that’s why they’re so intoxicating but who wants to be dependent on drugs to get through life ? 

I believe I've read about it a very long time ago. It's time to Google it again. 

[Vivalavi]

22 hours ago, NYAG said:

Yes, he seems very self congratulatory. A red flag in my book.

When he said it I laughed it off because I thought he was just joking. Perhaps he knew what effects he has on us, women.

[NYAG]

41 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

When he said it I laughed it off because I thought he was just joking. Perhaps he knew what effects he has on us, women.

Oh I think he absolutely knows this.

[Daliah]

On 3/12/2021 at 9:55 PM, Birdies said:

It's illogical, but yes, this would have hurt me deeply.  We were in love (despite it being obviously super sh*tty of us to be cheating on our spouses).  We are happily married now.  We've both done a lot of work and introspection to try learn from our past bad choices, so I would definitely be shocked and devastated if he cheated on me now.  I really don't see that happening though.

 

No wife ever does.....