AprilLiberty Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Good morning! I have been dating a men for 2 years. He is 35 years old and the main issue which I believe we have and leads to all the arguments and frictions, is the fact that he lives with his parents. Now - not only he lives with the parents, as although he has a job, he is kept financially by them. It goes to situations which for me are absurd in his age, as asking the parents to buy him new electronics as new iPhone and Video game Consoles. In addition we have surreal issues, as if I call and he is late for dinner with the parents, he tells me that I am giving him problems. Since long we have been discussing him moving in with me, but never happens. In my opinion he wants to keep in this way, so he can afford a life which with his salary he normally couldn't - label clothes, etc. Now - has anyone being faced with this matter? I truly find it impossible to keep a serious relationship in this manner. As well, I have issues in dating per se someone with this mindset as truly seems like an immature man. Am I being too critical and this situations happen? I would appreciate a separate pair of eyes and opinion on this one.
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Don't let him move in. He seems too spoiled. You'll end up being more like a mother. Consider ending things if you want a partner, home, family and happiness one day. 3
Fletch Lives Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 He's a momma's boy. He's still too attached to his parents. 3 1
normal person Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, AprilLiberty said: In my opinion he wants to keep in this way, so he can afford a life which with his salary he normally couldn't - label clothes, etc. Well, it seems he values having nice clothes and things of the sort more than living with you, or your respect for him. And honestly, how cool can someone who wears designer clothes be if they still live with their parents? Seriously. This is incredibly immature for a 35 year old. He sounds as if he's 15, not 35. Granted, there's a pandemic so it's an extenuating circumstance, but by 35 most people have left the nest, gotten a job that can support their spending (or have acquired the discipline to live within their means), bought a home, started their own family, and would be positively embarrassed to be still living with their parents, asking them for video games. I'm surprised the parents enable him like this, to be honest. 1 hour ago, AprilLiberty said: Am I being too critical and this situations happen? Absolutely not. If anything you're being too lenient, in my opinion. I don't know any woman who would put up with this. I'd suggest voicing your frustrations about this with him. If he is sympathetic to your concerns, and makes a concrete plan to get a better job that can support his habits, or he's willing to give up his more lavish tastes to live with you on his salary, then I'd say maybe you could cut him a bit of slack. But if he doesn't want to change and there's no end in sight, then you should just end it, because it doesn't sound like he takes your concerns seriously, and things will stay the same. At which point he's definitively choosing clothes and video games over you. Edited March 9, 2021 by normal person 2 1
Author AprilLiberty Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 11 minutes ago, normal person said: bought a home, started their own family, and would be positively embarrassed to be still living with their parents, asking them for video games. I'm surprised the parents enable him like this, to be honest. Absolutely not. If anything you're being too lenient, in my opinion. I don't know any woman who would put up with this. I'd suggest voicing your frustrations about this with him. If he is sympathetic to your concerns, and makes a concrete plan to get a better job that can support his habits, or he's willing to give up his more lavish tastes to live with you on his salary, then I'd say maybe you could cut him a bit of slack. But if he doesn't want to change and there's no end in sight, then you should just end it, because it doesn't sound like he takes your concerns seriously, and things will stay the same. At which point he's definitively choosing clothes and video games over you. Many thanks for your reply - this is exactly my point. I had expressed my frustrations a million times by now. The response is always "'inconclusive" to say the least. I guess the point here is that indeed there is a maturity issue. Is not only the financial part, but the fact that every decision and step in his life is discussed and controlled by the parents. Is as well feeling like I am part of some sick dynamics which I don't want to be part off or controlled by. Is frustrating. I had doubts if this could be perceived as phase but I don't think it is. I think more than clothes and videogames he is choosing a life of a kept man which goes against everything i stand for or lived my life by. Many thanks once again. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 This man child will not make a good partner. He is not self reliant nor is he mature enough to be independent. You can do better. Date an adult. 4 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) How could you even be sexually aroused at the thought of a 35 year old man being maintained and spoiled by his parents? Don't you want a real man in your life? Do you know how other 35 year old men live their life? Do not move this baby with you. You're looking for a partner, not a kid to raise. Edited March 9, 2021 by Gaeta 7
ShyViolet Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 You're not being too critical at all. I would not date a 35 year old who still lives with his parents, especially if they have a job and could live independently if they wanted to, but they choose to live with their parents. That is just ridiculous. You are wasting your energy in arguing with him about it. You can't change a person. You should just walk away. 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 5 hours ago, AprilLiberty said: I had expressed my frustrations a million times by now.. Is as well feeling like I am part of some sick dynamics which I don't want to be part off or controlled by. Is frustrating. Exactly. You don't want to be trying to fix or convince him of anything. It's just a headache and heartache you don't need. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: This man child will not make a good partner. He is not self reliant nor is he mature enough to be independent. You can do better. Date an adult. This says it all. 1
Calmandfocused Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Yuk and Yuk! Do you like “Mummy’s boys” who cannot take care of themselves in any way, shape or form? I agree with Gaeta; how you can find that sexually attractive is beyond me. Are you looking for a partner who you can build a life with, marry and be the father to your children? Look in another direction. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 7 hours ago, AprilLiberty said: Good morning! I have been dating a men for 2 years. He is 35 years old and the main issue which I believe we have and leads to all the arguments and frictions, is the fact that he lives with his parents. Now - not only he lives with the parents, as although he has a job, he is kept financially by them. It goes to situations which for me are absurd in his age, as asking the parents to buy him new electronics as new iPhone and Video game Consoles. In addition we have surreal issues, as if I call and he is late for dinner with the parents, he tells me that I am giving him problems. Since long we have been discussing him moving in with me, but never happens. In my opinion he wants to keep in this way, so he can afford a life which with his salary he normally couldn't - label clothes, etc. Now - has anyone being faced with this matter? I truly find it impossible to keep a serious relationship in this manner. As well, I have issues in dating per se someone with this mindset as truly seems like an immature man. Am I being too critical and this situations happen? I would appreciate a separate pair of eyes and opinion on this one. ask yourself this question...what if roles were reversed? you don’t know all thsts going on such as say caring for parents or college debt. I dated a woman who still lived at home and she was mid 30s at the time. Why. She was the youngest. Dad died, mom was in her 70s and needed some care or having someone there just in case. 1
amygirl908 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Date an adult. I've been through a lot in my life and have been fortunate as an adult to be able to return home when I need to, but anyone who let's their parents spoil them this way as an adult has no sense of pride, responsibility or accountability. All qualities I would want to have in an adult relationship. This guy sounds like a high schooler. I didn't like dating those kind of boys then and I certainly wouldn't enjoy it as an adult. Do not spend another two minutes with this man child. 1
deepthinking Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) if he lived on his own for 6 months, then, okay, he will know about bills and cleaning. This is a choice, a kind of ultimatum, but otherwise, he will just not be experienced enough. I bet he spends all his money on entertainment, knowing his parents pay for his life, so you want to avoid mothering him. He may even be a bit spoiled at this time. Edited March 9, 2021 by deepthinking 2
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 This guy reads more like an entitled brat who chooses to mooch off mom & dad. He's not somebody I'd tie my future too. He might be a fun date but he sounds like a lousy relationship 2 1
Author AprilLiberty Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: ask yourself this question...what if roles were reversed? you don’t know all thsts going on such as say caring for parents or college debt. I dated a woman who still lived at home and she was mid 30s at the time. Why. She was the youngest. Dad died, mom was in her 70s and needed some care or having someone there just in case. I did it many times and I tried to understand. I have friends which are in the situation you describe. But this is not the case .... He is not helping the family, much the opposite, the family supports him, and to be honest it’s like if he was a teenager. His meals are ready for him, if he wants a new gadget asks from the parents as gift. it’s such a weird dynamic where I think the mother wants this freak and total control. I was wondering if I was exaggerating and if this could be normal at the times, but I see that really isn’t.
MsJayne Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 This guy's been infantilised by his parents, (probably his mummy), and at 35 it's unlikely he's going to wake up and recognise what's going on. I say post him a rattle with a note telling him you're finished.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) It's OK to rely on family. It's not OK to be dependent on them when you are an otherwise able bodied adult. Live within your means. When I was buying my house, there were delays with the closing but I had to be out of my apartment & that drive was just too far to my new job so I lived with my parents for 5 months. When I started my own business & therefore had no income on paper, I borrowed a low interest loan from the 1st National Bank of Mom & Dad but there were really loan documents that went along with this, a UCC lien was filed against the vehicle just like any other car loan. Only difference was my parents didn't care about my credit score, charged me below market interest & were OK with the occasional missed payment, while I got my new venture off the ground. In the end I paid the loan off early. The above isn't what your guy is doing. So again, date him if he's fun but understand this isn't going anywhere unless you are open to supporting him. Edited March 10, 2021 by d0nnivain
Ami1uwant Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 3 hours ago, AprilLiberty said: I did it many times and I tried to understand. I have friends which are in the situation you describe. But this is not the case .... He is not helping the family, much the opposite, the family supports him, and to be honest it’s like if he was a teenager. His meals are ready for him, if he wants a new gadget asks from the parents as gift. it’s such a weird dynamic where I think the mother wants this freak and total control. I was wondering if I was exaggerating and if this could be normal at the times, but I see that really isn’t. you e bern with him for two years and you just discovered this? 1
Author AprilLiberty Posted March 10, 2021 Author Posted March 10, 2021 4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: you e bern with him for two years and you just discovered this? Good point.... 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 18 hours ago, AprilLiberty said: it’s such a weird dynamic where I think the mother wants this freak and total control. This is very common in enmeshed families where the apron strings are never cut. It's often driven by the parents, typically the mother who has a lackluster or nonexistent relationship with the father. On one hand, she babies her children (especially sons) eternally in an effort to keep them close in the nest, because then she gets to lean on them like a surrogate husband. Any potential mate is viewed as competition. It's totally messed up and leaves no room for a healthy romantic relationship. Even though it's most the parent's "fault," the grown son/daughter has to figure out what's going on and claim their independence and establish boundaries. Many won't, because the mother has been laying on heavy "but I need you"-type guilt trips from a young age. A very sad and kind of creepy situation.
lurker74 Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 On 3/9/2021 at 1:25 PM, Gaeta said: How could you even be sexually aroused at the thought of a 35 year old man being maintained and spoiled by his parents? Don't you want a real man in your life? Do you know how other 35 year old men live their life? Do not move this baby with you. You're looking for a partner, not a kid to raise. Came here to say this. I am sure that there are men that live at home that are perfectly fine...but if I were a woman, I don't know how I would ever want one to rip off my clothes. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 You may find this interesting, as it pertains to your dilemma: 2
Author AprilLiberty Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You may find this interesting, as it pertains to your dilemma: Thank you so much! So this is a thing...I just can't understand as someone who left home at 18 and always treasured my independence. More I learn about it, less I like it. 1
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