Gaeta Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Noluck83 said: I want to let the litte things go. I know she lies about things to make me feel special and genuinely dont think shes lying because shes going to cheat, etc. But it does cause damage for me. No no, you got this wrong. Don't start justifying and excusing her lies. Now she lies about this, then she'll lie about bigger things. This is a red flag to not ignore. Next thing she'll lie about meeting an ex for not hurting your feelings, she'll lie about kissing another guy at a party to not hurt your feelings, where does this stop!
BlockRockingBeats Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 17 hours ago, HelenB said: . Also Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship so if you want to work it out with her try expressing your feelings and concerns. Yes! 2 hours ago, Noluck83 said: Thankyou for the replies it does look like a mixed bag above which is why my heads leaning 1 way then the other. Ive spoken to her and explained the lies cause more damage than whats actually happened. Ive explained everyone has a past and it is best left there, in the past but when something does come up its better for me to get the truth than feel slightly manipulated by telling me the lie to make me feel special. I do need to learn to handle my side better also as, even a little white lie just instantly sends me into this anxious spiral of 'what else has she lied about' then i end up going quiet for 2 or 3 days just feeling like i cant do it. I want to let the litte things go. I know she lies about things to make me feel special and genuinely dont think shes lying because shes going to cheat, etc. But it does cause damage for me. Yes to this too! How did she take it?
FMW Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Now she lies about this, then she'll lie about bigger things. I agree. OP don't minimize the importance of her lack of truthfulness. These aren't just little white lies (like "no, your butt doesn't look big). Lying about things like this to make you feel special should not be acceptable. You of course have to decide for yourself what's acceptable to you, but the fact that you are feeling anxious is revealing. Don't ignore the anxiety.
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 Don't sweat it...she's trying to make you feel special. Some people just do that crap to get approval, be accepted. To correct this behavior just call her out on it...but not in a negative way...just tell her to stop saying stuff like that...it's not necessary and her lying is making you uncomfortable. That should get rid of this issue. TBH she thinks she's doing a good thing...and she needs to know it's not doing her any favors.
Author Noluck83 Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 Well a few months ago I was cleaning the home office and my partners laptop was open. Her email was open on a chat with a work colleague and it said how they should meet for coffee as hes having a hard time lately, to which she responded 'yes let's go grab one shall we meet at costa'. Now i think they were friends before me, and i dont think anything other than they are friends but im feeling really insecure that she didnt tell me. Ive tried to just swallow it but ever so often when it comes into my head i get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Its not that shes got a male friend, its not the coffee meet, its more that she didnt even tell me she was going. Now i know its not for me to ask who shes meeting as the trust should be there and I know she wouldnt do anything bad but i cant seem to stop judging her on what id do. As im the type whod tell her straight away if a female colleague invited me out 1 on 1 for a coffee or meal. I know shed say its fine, as i would of but i cant help feeling horrible in my stomach that she never mentioned going. I keep getting a feeling of dread like 'what if shes meeting guys for drinks regular' etc and it eats me up. Does anyone have any reassurances that im being ridiculous and help on how to stop being such an insecure idiot? I cant tell her about it as then itll look like ive been on her laptop.
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 Talk to her. Do not accuse or attack. Admit to snooping as well as being jealous & insecure. If you strike the right tone of being somewhat pathetic, she should forgive the snooping & reassure you. She is not obligated to report all of her movements or interactions with you. In lockdown almost any source of human contact is simply an antidepressant. It's not cheating. Try using more of your logic & trust then fear. 1
Author Noluck83 Posted February 5, 2021 Author Posted February 5, 2021 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Talk to her. Do not accuse or attack. Admit to snooping as well as being jealous & insecure. If you strike the right tone of being somewhat pathetic, she should forgive the snooping & reassure you. She is not obligated to report all of her movements or interactions with you. In lockdown almost any source of human contact is simply an antidepressant. It's not cheating. Try using more of your logic & trust then fear. Thankyou for the response. Its more got to me that she didnt say anything because im the type to think im better off mentioning it seen as its outside work. Am i being massively unreasonable?
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2021 Posted February 5, 2021 Just now, Noluck83 said: im the type to think im better off mentioning it seen as its outside work. Am i being massively unreasonable? Massively unreasonable no. Somewhat unreasonable, maybe. Does your GF know you feel this way, that it's better to err on the side of caution & disclose stuff like this? Honestly it would never cross my mind to tell my SO that I was having coffee with an opposite sex friend. From being on boards like this I started telling my husband when I would meet opposite sex friends for lunch or a drink but I work in a very male dominated field so it was almost every day (before Covid). DH found it overwhelming & unnecessary so he asked me to stop. That is what works for us. In your shoes you need to start with a confession, then explain your perspective. Because she did something you found abnormal, contrary to what you would do, it set off alarm for you. That doesn't mean she did anything wrong or that you don't trust her but it's an issue for you. Ask her if going forward she would mind telling you when she has social meetings with opposite sex people. See how she responds to that. 2 1
mark clemson Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 There's nothing wrong with trusting her. However, IF you choose to "spy on her" a bit, you might find out there's more to it. There is always that chance. If you don't do that (and there's nothing wrong with choosing not to) then yes, definitely just ask that she tell you when she meets folks. That way when some friend of yours tells you they saw her having coffee with some guy you don't know, you won't wonder what's going on.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Do you trust her? If she needs to tell you all of her back & forth then you don't trust her. Lets say she tells you when she meets someone for coffee, how is knowing this going to keep her from cheating if it's really what she has in mind? See, the danger here is you start wanting her to report when she goes for coffee, then she'll have to report to you when she gave a ride to a colleague? or report to you when a male colleague text her concerning work? Where will it stop? She said nothing wrong, she accepted to listen to a colleague that is having a hard time. It's not like they gave each other a hotel rendez-vous. 1
Alpacalia Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 Nothing wrong I see. For a work colleague, it's a question of one-time support. It's coffee, not a romantic getaway. 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 13 hours ago, Noluck83 said: I cant tell her about it as then itll look like ive been on her laptop. Exactly. She's not the one with the shady untrustworthy behavior.
Acacia98 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Noluck83 said: Now i know its not for me to ask who shes meeting as the trust should be there and I know she wouldnt do anything bad but i cant seem to stop judging her on what id do. As im the type whod tell her straight away if a female colleague invited me out 1 on 1 for a coffee or meal. I know shed say its fine, as i would of but i cant help feeling horrible in my stomach that she never mentioned going. I keep getting a feeling of dread like 'what if shes meeting guys for drinks regular' etc and it eats me up. It's not clear to me whether you've previously had conversations about this subject. If you haven't, she probably doesn't know what your expectations are and where your boundaries lie. It seems unreasonable for you to expect her to behave as you would. First of all, she's not you. Secondly, she may have no inkling that this kind of thing is an issue for you. So beyond talking to her about this one situation (if you choose to go that route), you should probably have a general conversation about friendships/acquaintanceships and boundaries. About your feeling of dread, sometimes it's a good idea to face your fears head on. So lemme just say I have no reason to believe she's cheating on you. But if it turned out she was, you would feel hurt for a while. And then life would go on. Your relationship would probably end, you'd need time to deal with the pain, but you'd be okay. You can't control every aspect of life and insulate yourself against all pain. Just do the best you can and let the chips fall where they may. Edited February 6, 2021 by Acacia98
Marc878 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 It maybe nothing but gut feelings are something correct. Time will tell. 100% blind trust is foolish. 1
Brooke02 Posted February 6, 2021 Posted February 6, 2021 If she had something to hide she probably wouldn’t have left the chat open on her laptop, imo. 1
Author Noluck83 Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 As the title suggests my insecurity is killing my relationship. I was cheated on by 2 previous partners and now im really struggling to trust my new partner. She's given me everything she can, we even live together but the smallest thing can ruin my entire day. For example today we woke up, i went to make breakfast came upstairs and she put her phone on the bed to take the coffee off me, it was the log in screen for snapchat. I obviously then ask 'why is it asking you to log in' she replies 'i dont know it does this sometimes i think its my phone' now... my heads gone again, i cant shake that habit of immediately assuming the worst, shes logged into another secret account, etc. I told her how i was feeling and she said if there were anything to worry about why would i put my phone on the bed in front of you. Im at a loss what im meant to do to stop this over thinking that everyone will just cheat and be secretive. Any advice?
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 Well the good news is that you have insight into the wild assumptions and insecurities ruining your relationships. However dumping that on her is even worse. If you're interrogating your GFs like this clearly the relatinships will fail. It comes across as controlling possessive and a tad abusive. It's your responsibility to fix this through an evaluation from a physician and ongoing supportive therapy. 1
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 It is controlling behavior, which is not to say you should go blame yourself for it now. You as a person is one thing, your behavior is another. I understand you have been hurt. I agree with the previous poster, though, unless you manage to take responsibility for this behavior and address these issues the relationship will hardly see a happy future. I'd recommend therapy and self-help, also: have you been honest and straightforward about your insecurities with your partner? I understand you told her how you felt, but did you give her the feeling that you are aware this is your problem not hers? (If you are not fully aware of this, you need to be.) Getting rid of such patterns is a long process that involves a high amount of patience, awareness and kindness. Have you ever read Susan Forward's book Obsessive Love? I'm not totally sure you will find any of you in there, but you might. Give it a try, it's a nice and easy read and might be enlightening in some respects.
Author Noluck83 Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) My partner 37 just walks out every single time we have a heated discussion. To me they arent even big arguments yet off she goes. Ive realised its what works for her and i just get on with my day without her and dont rise to it but its causing major stress. It seems to be her way of just ignoring talking about any problems. She comes back sometimes hours later and expects everything to be fine, if i say its not fine we need to talk about it there's a chance.. off she'll go again. For the most part i just let her get on with it and i dont ruse to it i just get on with my day too but today for example we had planned to visit my parents to take a birthday present, now i know if i text her she'll probably come back to visit them but i dont want to make out this behaviour is fine. Now im left with AGAIN a rubbish decision of going alone and having to lie about why she didnt go or text her to come and then the argument has blown over yet again unresolved... or just dont go at all. I feel like our issues are never resolved because the moment any argument gets heated she walks to the door. She texts me something like 'sorry ive had to go and have some me time, ill be back later' etc. It feels like she's found a way that works for her but not for us. Ive said numerous times now that walking out makes it harder for us to sort anything out but she just apologises and says something like 'i know its selfish of me but i cant deal with the stress of arguing' and i just think well thats all well and good for you but weve not sorted anything. Its starting to feel like my side of these things doesnt matter. Im tempted to just get some things together and say if you want time, enjoy. Edited May 31, 2021 by Noluck83
NYAG Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 She sounds conflict avoidant which is crippling in relationships and is probably why a) I struggle with communication myself b) ended up getting stuck in so many relationships in which I was unhappy. Maybe it's a history she has from previous relationships. I became conflict avoidant because I'd had partners who would react badly/violently to arguments, so I learnt to avoid them and then it becomes a habit that's really hard to break. These days I actively practice having those conversations which isn't always easy and it's a constant learning process. The problem is that this is not good for your relationship at all. You want to talk about things and she shuts down. She has to understand how damaging this is for your relationship and how frustrating it is for you. If she won't talk, how much does she value the relationship at all? When you say arguments, are they arguments? In depth conversations about things need not be arguments but rational calm conversations. Do you flair up? Does she? And is that why she avoids it. Have you thought about using a mediator in the room acting as a go between to keep things on a level. Just thoughts.
basil67 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 If an argument isn't big, it shouldn't get heated. And a problem discussed in a thoughtful manner shouldn't end in an argument. With the problem of her not being around to visit your parents, as close as you recall, what words did you use when you raised the issue with her? What was her side of the story? Do either of you ever raise your voices or use insults when disagreeing? Have you considered marriage counselling with a focus on how to solve problems without things escalating?
usa1ah Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 What does she do with her “me time”? Also, don’t lie for her, should have gone to your parents and spent some time with them. If they asked where she was just tell them. At 37 she sound be more mature then what she is. She is acting like a teenager.
Wiseman2 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 Actually she's doing the right thing. It's smart to cool off and regroup. Then revisit when cooler heads prevail. People who escalate and drag arguments out are the ones who never resolve anything. It's fine. Just go with that. 1
dramafreezone Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 (edited) What is a heated discussion? Is it a disagreement? If so are you yelling, talking over each other? Every couple is going to have disagreements. She shouldn't be walking away from that. If you're yelling or raising your voice at her then something's wrong. You don't need to do that just because you're having a disagreement. Try to ask more questions when you've having a disagreement instead of just waiting to get your next point out. "Why do you feel that way," "what else is bothering you?" Edited June 1, 2021 by dramafreezone
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 What are these arguments about? What is it that never gets resolved?
Recommended Posts