Insecurity ruining my relationship

[Lotsgoingon]

I back up FMW. If this bothers you, then that's a problem. Because you are in the relationship with her--not others.

 

[kendahke]

23 hours ago, DKT3 said:

its the evasiveness or deception or more importantly her willingness to trick and mislead him into a relationship by withholding information that would alter his desire to be in a relationship with her. 

Then he needs to get to steppin' instead of trying to figure out some way to punish her for not being able to handle her having had a life before he turned up.

Edited November 4, 2020 by kendahke

[Watercolors]

21 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Then he needs to get to steppin' instead of trying to figure out some way to punish her for not being able to handle her having had a life before he turned up.

+1. My thoughts exactly.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Then he needs to get to steppin' instead of trying to figure out some way to punish her for not being able to handle her having had a life before he turned up.

Absolutely,  this is my whole point. But its not punishment.  If you've done something in your past that could impact someone's desire to be in a relationship with you wouldn't you want to tell them so you know you are starting something with someone who accepts you.

I've never thought it was/is a good idea to be evasive about ones past be it sexual,  criminal or otherwise,  over time those things tend to come out. Now you've invested 10, 15 years in someone that don't or can't accept your past. 

[scotchnstout]

Op, don't let anyone here try to shame you for having standards that you expect your partner to meet, I can tell you why some posters seem upset but the back and forth won't be worth it, I'm sure you can figure it out, end of the day, this is your relationship and if you deem what she has done as unacceptable behaviour then move accordingly.

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Absolutely,  this is my whole point. But its not punishment.  If you've done something in your past that could impact someone's desire to be in a relationship with you wouldn't you want to tell them so you know you are starting something with someone who accepts you.

I've never thought it was/is a good idea to be evasive about ones past be it sexual,  criminal or otherwise,  over time those things tend to come out. Now you've invested 10, 15 years in someone that don't or can't accept your past. 

We will just have to agree to disagree.

[DKT3]

2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

We will just have to agree to disagree.

Yes we will, just don't understand this idea that one would start a life with anyone who believes thier life is actually of limits to discuss.  Its all so counterproductive to starting a life together...based on what? Evasiveness and "none of your business" can't possibly lead to a healthy balanced relationship. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Yes we will, just don't understand this idea that one would start a life with anyone who believes thier life is actually of limits to discuss.  Its all so counterproductive to starting a life together...based on what? Evasiveness and "none of your business" can't possibly lead to a healthy balanced relationship. 

No, it can't. But then again, not everyone knows what a healthy balanced relationship is and how to make one happen.

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, scotchnstout said:

Op, don't let anyone here try to shame you for having standards that you expect your partner to meet, I can tell you why some posters seem upset but the back and forth won't be worth it, I'm sure you can figure it out, end of the day, this is your relationship and if you deem what she has done as unacceptable behaviour then move accordingly.

I agree---he needs to move on along instead of trying to stay with someone who cannot change her past and is not required to atone to him for having her past.

Anytime you start feeling intimidated by the numbers of past lovers a romantic partner has and are trying to reprimand her for her past or how she chooses to reveal it, (first off, don't ask the numbers question because you won't like the answer) then you aren't on the same page and need to end things because the earth ain't spinning backward so she can get a redo.

Either you accept her numbers and be content with her or you don't and you leave.  He asked her two different questions and tried to conflate them, the answer to which he couldn't handle. He has admitted as much in his second post.  Never ask a question whose answer you can't deal with.

 

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, DKT3 said:

If you've done something in your past that could impact someone's desire to be in a relationship with you wouldn't you want to tell them so you know you are starting something with someone who accepts you

yes, but I've narrowed that to child molestation, animal abuse, DWI's and those resulting in the death of others, gambling, alcoholism/drug abuse, unmanaged STD's, domestic abuse and felony convictions, not how many women a man has been with before me.

Edited November 5, 2020 by kendahke

[Wiseman2]

On 11/4/2020 at 11:50 PM, DKT3 said:

Yes we will, just don't understand this idea that one would start a life with anyone who believes thier life is actually of limits to discuss.  Its all so counterproductive to starting a life together...based on what? Evasiveness and "none of your business" can't possibly lead to a healthy balanced relationship. 

This is specifically about "Numbers" and digging for details about past sexual experience.

Any fool knows only a severely insecure person would ask this and any fool knows whatever you say can and will be held against you.

We're not talking about the basics like job, former relationship status, kids, etc. Those details come out with normal dating and integrating lives. Besides anyone can Google a date 

 

[scotchnstout]

17 hours ago, kendahke said:

I agree---he needs to move on along instead of trying to stay with someone who cannot change her past and is not required to atone to him for having her past.

Anytime you start feeling intimidated by the numbers of past lovers a romantic partner has and are trying to reprimand her for her past or how she chooses to reveal it, (first off, don't ask the numbers question because you won't like the answer) then you aren't on the same page and need to end things because the earth ain't spinning backward so she can get a redo.

Either you accept her numbers and be content with her or you don't and you leave.  He asked her two different questions and tried to conflate them, the answer to which he couldn't handle. He has admitted as much in his second post.  Never ask a question whose answer you can't deal with.

 

Intimidated, really, see more shaming language.

[DKT3]

18 hours ago, kendahke said:

yes, but I've narrowed that to child molestation, animal abuse, DWI's and those resulting in the death of others, gambling, alcoholism/drug abuse, unmanaged STD's, domestic abuse and felony convictions, not how many women a man has been with before me.

And that's your choice,  point being how would you feel if the person was being evasive about those topics? None of us have a right to tell anyone else what should be important to them in a relationship.  

[DKT3]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is specifically about "Numbers" and digging for details about past sexual experience.

Any fool knows only a severely insecure person would ask this and any fool knows whatever you say can and will be held against you.

We're not talking about the basics like job, former relationship status, kids, etc. Those details come out with normal dating and integrating lives. Besides anyone can Google a date 

 

No any fool knows that what is or isn't important to you doesn't translate to the next person.  

Insecurities are irrelevant,  big red flag when someone is unwilling to share their history with a life partner.  No matter the topic.

[smackie9]

She's not forthcoming because you are insecure. She's avoiding conflict. You both lack confidence in yourselves. If YOU feel a person's past relates to a future relationship, then you should be forthcoming about that in a specific way, by expressing concerns and expectations before a relationship ever gets off the ground. Her, she needs to date someone who doesn't make her feel that her past will make or break the prospect of a relationship and be confident, her past isn't going to affect anything.   I'm not here to change your attitude, you can keep it the way it is. I say you should call it quits...she is not going to change her behavior towards you about her past or her activities...That's already has been proven. it's already coming apart at the seams.

Edited November 6, 2020 by smackie9

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, scotchnstout said:

Intimidated, really, see more shaming language.

if it don't fit, you must aquit.

the ignore feature works well on this site. Avail yourself.

Edited November 6, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, DKT3 said:

point being how would you feel if the person was being evasive about those topics?

Then it would be out of the realm of "feelings" and into the realm of action--and that would be me ending it.  You know, like grown people do instead of kvetching about what can't be changed.

[scotchnstout]

8 hours ago, kendahke said:

if it don't fit, you must aquit.

the ignore feature works well on this site. Avail yourself.

Cute

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, kendahke said:

if it don't fit, you must aquit.

the ignore feature works well on this site. Avail yourself.

hahahaha 😆

[Pdoyle]

OP- ask her again for full disclosure then make a decision. Keep your standards and be honest with her.

[ctdans]

So maybe she really loves this guy and is aware of his insecurities and if she said any number greater than what she felt was "safe" he would judge her and leave.  But she also could have had the 3 partners like others suggest and she deleted the others just as she had asked him to delete his female contacts.

Neither is right is doing so.  Respecting each other means you can still maintain some contact with past friends.  Its just what you share with them and how often that can lead to trouble.

[bluemountains]

OP,

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. She told you 3; she could have deleted only 3 guys off of her facebook. Instead, she made sure she got rid of all she had a past with. She may have been ashamed or whatever so she didn't tell you a "right" number, BUT sounds like she is an honest person meaning to do the right thing even when no one is looking. That is rare. 

[Caauug]

On 11/4/2020 at 6:08 AM, Watercolors said:

I have a right to know their sexual HEALTH history; not their romantic partner history as that's none of my business. And anyway, I'd focus more on the fact that the guy was choosing to be with me so there would not be any reason for me to dwell on his past sexual partners unless one of them gave him AIDS or something.

I disagree.....

A true story that happened years ago:

The male/female roles are reversed but that should not matter, should it?

A local fellow in his mid 20's starts his own business, lets call him Sam. Soon after he takes on one employee, Sam is doing well, making a good living. A couple of years goes by and he meets a girl, she is very good at business and before long they get married. Sam's business explodes in size over the next 2 years to around 40 employees. Sam and his wife have a baby boy, all is well.....

Sam's wife is at home one morning when there was a knock on the door, she opens the door and see's a woman about her age with a child a few years under 10. The woman asks if Sam is there. "No, why you are asking?" Sam's wife replies. "I want to re-introduce Sam to his son, he has not seen him since he was a baby" the woman says....

Sam knew about the child, and did not disclose that information to his wife about his sexual history. The woman went after child support as Sam's business appeared to be doing very well, this also affected their family finances... This was the beginning of the end of the marriage.

 

The only time numbers make a difference is when you are in an exclusive relationship and the count goes up over 1....

Sexual history does matter and should be discussed so there are no surprises. 

It would not be very nice accidently finding that flick of your soon to be wife, while she was in collage, doing DP with 2 guys and smoking another..... Even if it was taken a year before you started dating her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She's the one who asked about your number first and you were honest with her.  I don't think it's out of line for you to respond by asking about her number. 

And as far as some are saying it's OK for her not to tell the truth because some people are uncomfortable talking about their pasts, well, that's the whole reason most anyone lies about anything, they're uncomfortable with the truth.

To me, lying is a deal breaker. If someone asks me a question I'm uncomfortable with I need to either tell the truth, or tell the person I'm not comfortable answering the question or that I'm not going to discuss it.

If someone asks me a personal question first, then I answer honestly and ask them the same question, then they say they're not going to answer, or they lie about the answer, that's it for me.

You and your gf need to have the same expectations about honesty in order for your R to work. Sounds to me as if the two of you regard the issue of honesty differently.

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Noluck83]

Long story short. We are having a drink together then suddenly she says 'i dont deserve you, i dont deserve to be this happy' i asked what she meant by that and she said 'i dont know, i just feel like i dont deserve to be this happy you are such an amazing guy'

 

I know i should take it as a compliment but I'm also wary theres something to the line. Like some guilt or am i massively over thinking  this? I know it could be a sign of self esteem but shes a confident, outgoing, successful independent woman so im struggling to see it as a self esteem thing.

Edited November 21, 2020 by Noluck83