Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 On 11/21/2020 at 5:02 AM, Noluck83 said: Long story short. We are having a drink together then suddenly she says 'i dont deserve you, i dont deserve to be this happy' i asked what she meant by that and she said 'i dont know, i just feel like i dont deserve to be this happy you are such an amazing guy' My bf(ex) used to tell me this often and I caught him cheating 2 days ago. Saturday morning he was about to take a shower when I came in the washroom and notice he was grooming himself and I thought how odd he's heading to work. He was not, he had a hookup planned. 1
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) On 11/23/2020 at 1:23 AM, Noluck83 said: Another thing ive noticed and it might just be because my guard is up but... she shaves everything before work. We had 4 days off together recently and she didn't shave her intimate area. Then monday morning woke up early and shaved everything and exfoliated. Litterally left for work looking amazing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, so do I. If the result is "amazing" so be. What I find questionable is why the need to shave her intimate area before work? That's insane unless there is someone at work she plans on undressing for. What I find equally questionable is, since you're confused about it, why are you not asking HER about it? It dosen't have to be an accusation, a simple "love, why are you shaving your crotch now, you're only going to work." Gauge her response and go from there. If me, I would! Instead of all this ridiculous over-thinking, and speculating. For the life of me, I do not understand why some people are so afraid to communicate with their partners? Confused about something? Ask!! If you rock the boat a bit, so what? That's how you resolve confusion and conflict. By communicating. A minor peeve of mine, rant over. Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Rashed8 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: My bf(ex) used to tell me this often and I caught him cheating 2 days ago. Saturday morning he was about to take a shower when I came in the washroom and notice he was grooming himself and I thought how odd he's heading to work. He was not, he had a hookup planned. How you caught him?
Gaeta Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 34 minutes ago, Rashed8 said: How you caught him? I checked his phone bill online. I had help him set the account up so l remembered the password.
Wiseman2 Posted November 25, 2020 Posted November 25, 2020 44 minutes ago, Rashed8 said: How you caught him? This is actually another thread:
Author Noluck83 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) I feel like im really struggling to trust my partner. There are a few little lies that i know shouldnt be a big deal but they make me anxious and make me feel like i shouldn't trust her when in truth she seems like a trustworthy lovely woman. I think i need some help on how to handle my anxiety and hopefully someone has some advice. For example my girlfriend sends me a nude photo almost every morning to see when i head off for work. She said shes never been like this and never in her life sent a naked selfie to anyone. Then when we were out with friends she let slip that she used to send morning nudes to her ex. Now, im not bothered what she did with an ex its totally normal behaviour but the lie about it makes me anxious as if i ask her now because shes forgot that conversation she'll say 'shes never sent them' again. I know its easier to hide things she wants to be special between us and know i over react by letting it bother me but i cant help it making me feel anxious. there have been a few things like this also 1 more example was she said she's never spoke dirty to anyone and finds it all hard to do as its not the way she is. Then not long back she received a msg and told me to read it as she was cooking. It was from someone she used to know saying hes happy she looks settled with me, anyway the msg above that one was sex talk between them. It was from before we got together so again its fine but i actually hate the need to lie that we are different. Above was 2 examples. How do i stop myself letting these things bother me so much. Shes really comfortable and confident and i know her past is worse than she says and i understand not everyone wants to openly share it so why am im turning into an anxious wreck about it haha. Edited January 11, 2021 by Noluck83
HelenB Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 Hi there. My feeling is that she’s telling lies to protect your feelings. I always think if you are going to ask your partner to be honest about their past you need to be prepared for the answer and if the answer will trigger a response in you. If you truly want honesty so you can have open communication, then maybe reassure her that you are asking so you can understand her better and that you are not judging her at all. Hope that helped 2
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 There is no need to be anxious but there are lots of reasons to re-evaluate her. She seems to have a fluid relationship with the truth. You then have to assume that you can't trust her because she does lie as her default. Anxiety isn't required or helpful; critical thinking will serve you better.
BlockRockingBeats Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) On second reading, your gf has no problem handing you her phone with potentially incriminating messages. She talks about her ex to their friends in front of you. She's the worst liar in the world, isn't she. Edited January 11, 2021 by BlockRockingBeats
Author Noluck83 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, BlockRockingBeats said: On second reading, your gf has no problem handing you her phone with potentially incriminating messages. She talks about her ex to their friends in front of you. She's the worst liar in the world, isn't she. I never said it was a lying issue i asked for advice how best to manage my anxiety feelings around it.
BlockRockingBeats Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Noluck83 said: I never said it was a lying issue i asked for advice how best to manage my anxiety feelings around it. On third reading, I can see that now! Okay, I'll give it a go. Let's try and narrow it down: are you anxious in general? Are you anxious about measuring up to exes? What's your sexual past like? How long have you guys been together? Is she making you feel good about yourself? Is her overtly sexual personality putting you off in some way? Edited January 11, 2021 by BlockRockingBeats
Alpacalia Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 For starters, you can try to establish some boundaries or ground rules on the type of information you share concerning past relationships. Explain that she need not lie in order to avoid whatever your reaction might be and that doing so does not help the situation.
Author Noluck83 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Posted January 11, 2021 5 minutes ago, BlockRockingBeats said: On third reading, I can see that now! Okay, I'll give it a go. Let's try and narrow it down: are you anxious in general? Are you anxious about measuring up to exes? What's your sexual past like? How long have you guys been together? Is she making you feel good about yourself? She's wonderful in general. But does have this tendancy to do these small lies but ive got a feeling its probably more about her worrying i wont be able to handle the truth rather than just being honest. It annoys me that what j want is honesty but im not being as good as i should be to get that. I was cheated on in my past relationship and never saw it coming. Ive just got this horrible feeling i might just not be seeing the signs properly, either that or im just an anxious mess nowdays
FMW Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 I don't know that it's something you should be expected to manage. Regardless of her motivation, she's lying, and about things that it doesn't sound like you had expressed any questions about. If you never asked her if she sent nudes or talked dirty to someone else, then she made a point - without any prompting - to present herself in a way that wasn't truthful. Just because she isn't acting sneaky doesn't mean there isn't a legitimate issue. I would be more annoyed than anxious. I would wonder what else she has or will lie about. 1
BlockRockingBeats Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 4 minutes ago, Noluck83 said: Ive just got this horrible feeling i might just not be seeing the signs properly, either that or im just an anxious mess nowdays Okay that makes sense. Does she know the context?
dramafreezone Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Noluck83 said: I feel like im really struggling to trust my partner. There are a few little lies that i know shouldnt be a big deal but they make me anxious and make me feel like i shouldn't trust her when in truth she seems like a trustworthy lovely woman. I think i need some help on how to handle my anxiety and hopefully someone has some advice. For example my girlfriend sends me a nude photo almost every morning to see when i head off for work. She said shes never been like this and never in her life sent a naked selfie to anyone. Then when we were out with friends she let slip that she used to send morning nudes to her ex. Now, im not bothered what she did with an ex its totally normal behaviour but the lie about it makes me anxious as if i ask her now because shes forgot that conversation she'll say 'shes never sent them' again. I know its easier to hide things she wants to be special between us and know i over react by letting it bother me but i cant help it making me feel anxious. there have been a few things like this also 1 more example was she said she's never spoke dirty to anyone and finds it all hard to do as its not the way she is. Then not long back she received a msg and told me to read it as she was cooking. It was from someone she used to know saying hes happy she looks settled with me, anyway the msg above that one was sex talk between them. It was from before we got together so again its fine but i actually hate the need to lie that we are different. Above was 2 examples. How do i stop myself letting these things bother me so much. Shes really comfortable and confident and i know her past is worse than she says and i understand not everyone wants to openly share it so why am im turning into an anxious wreck about it haha. For example my girlfriend sends me a nude photo almost every morning to see when i head off for work. She said shes never been like this and never in her life sent a naked selfie to anyone. - I knew this was a lie before I read the next sentence where you confirmed it. "I've never done anything like this before" means I've done this before most times. Next, the only thing that will make you ok with her lying is accepting that she's a liar. You cannot do anything to change her behavior while keeping things as they are. Maybe try backing off, dating other women that won't lie so much to you. This girlfriend sounds fun but likely not someone you should consider a serious relationship or marriage with. Edited January 11, 2021 by dramafreezone
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 4 hours ago, Noluck83 said: I never said it was a lying issue i asked for advice how best to manage my anxiety feelings around it. Just listen to your feelings. That's the best way to observe if her white lies are something to worry about for you or not. Don't suppress your gut reactions.
Stret Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 My ex once told me "you're the first girl I'd never cheat on", a day after he actually cheated as I found out later. If I dated someone and told him "I never did this with anyone", it would have to mean just that. Otherwise, I'd feel like a liar. She is a liar and even though you think it is not a big lie, it still tells something about her character. She's not a keeper IMO. Not really cool keeping a contact with a guy she sexted with but I guess it is up to how you feel about it. My problem with it would be that right now things are ok between you two and she is able to keep those guys at a safe distance, but come trouble, she will turn to them for some comfort...
HelenB Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 7 hours ago, HelenB said: Hi there. My feeling is that she’s telling lies to protect your feelings. I always think if you are going to ask your partner to be honest about their past you need to be prepared for the answer and if the answer will trigger a response in you. If you truly want honesty so you can have open communication, then maybe reassure her that you are asking so you can understand her better and that you are not judging her at all. Hope that helped The fact that you’ve been cheated on in the past will indefinitely leave some scares resulting in trust issues. Try to tune into your gut to work out if it’s your instincts telling you something doesn’t feel right or your subconscious wounds from past events trying to protect you. Also Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship so if you want to work it out with her try expressing your feelings and concerns. 1
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 Now you know that she is capable of lying and she is very comfortable doing so.
snowboy91 Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 10 hours ago, Noluck83 said: She's wonderful in general. But does have this tendancy to do these small lies but ive got a feeling its probably more about her worrying i wont be able to handle the truth rather than just being honest. I'm reading this to be the case from what you're saying. It sounds like you're more uncomfortable with the lie than the history itself. Look - unless you're a teenager and it's clearly your first relationship, you will have to expect that anyone you date will have a history, and it probably involves sex. But most people feel uncomfortable hearing about their partner's sexual history, so to avoid that discomfort on your end she's pretending there is no history and "she hasn't done any of this before". It hasn't clicked with her that it's causing more damage and she is better off not saying anything either way, since regardless of the history she is with you now and her exes are exes for a reason. 1
Negotaurus Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 17 hours ago, Noluck83 said: She's wonderful in general. But does have this tendancy to do these small lies but ive got a feeling its probably more about her worrying i wont be able to handle the truth rather than just being honest. It annoys me that what j want is honesty but im not being as good as i should be to get that. I was cheated on in my past relationship and never saw it coming. Ive just got this horrible feeling i might just not be seeing the signs properly, either that or im just an anxious mess nowdays Have you told her this? Have you told her that the small lies cause anxiety and fear in you?
Indigo Night Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 Why not just tell her "I appreciate the sexy pics, but if you feel the need to lie about them they lose being special. I know you sent them to an ex too, and don't care. It is when you lie that bothers me". You could always tell her to stop sending you nudes. Then she will have nothing to lie about regarding who she has or has not sent them to. Is it possible that you are over analyzing things she does because you have been cheated on? If so, stop. If someone is going to cheat, they will. Why poison your current relationship with a bunch of "what ifs" and "maybes" If your relationship is still pretty new it is likely that the lies stem from her trying to be the best girlfriend you could ever hope for. She lies to make herself look good, and for you to feel like an Adonis. It may seem counterintuitive, but think of what she lies about. Are they big nasty lies? Or, are they lies that try to show how much she loves you, and only you? I am not suggesting it is healthy, but it may be the only way she knows how to be. Sit her down and explain how much the truth means to you. Maybe she has never been told even little lies can cause harm. I've known a lot of people that think lying is acceptable, as long as it to make someone else feel special. Tell her all of the reasons you care about her, and want to be with her, but that lying isn't okay for any reason, and might end up being a deal breaker. 1
Author Noluck83 Posted January 12, 2021 Author Posted January 12, 2021 Thankyou for the replies it does look like a mixed bag above which is why my heads leaning 1 way then the other. Ive spoken to her and explained the lies cause more damage than whats actually happened. Ive explained everyone has a past and it is best left there, in the past but when something does come up its better for me to get the truth than feel slightly manipulated by telling me the lie to make me feel special. I do need to learn to handle my side better also as, even a little white lie just instantly sends me into this anxious spiral of 'what else has she lied about' then i end up going quiet for 2 or 3 days just feeling like i cant do it. I want to let the litte things go. I know she lies about things to make me feel special and genuinely dont think shes lying because shes going to cheat, etc. But it does cause damage for me.
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