BS affair years after reconciliation?

[Pottering About]

There have been historical posts on here and other sites where a BS has had their own affair some years after apparently reconciling. Five years seemed to be a common time period and it was apparent in each case that the BH had not recovered at all but was merely trying to cope with life before reaching a breaking point. 
 

Another common theme is that the BS seemed to revel in causing the former WS the same pain and were quite callous in their attitudes and behaviours.

Do any of the WS’s on here who consider they have successfully reconciled ever worry about their BS having their own affairs some years later?  

How can you be sure “it will never happen to you” when that is probably what most BS’s thought in the first place? Do you ever think about this even if some years have gone by? Are you just in denial?

Those who are BS’s, deep down, do you really believe you have truly reconciled or have you “settled”? Does your resentment bubble to the surface even years later? If so, how do you deal with it?

It has become apparent to me that reconciliation is a life long effort and there is never an end to it. Do WS’s feel that they have to put in the heavy lifting for the rest of their married lives or do they think there comes a point where they don’t have to worry anymore?

Do WS’s ever worry that complacency will actually lead to the end of their marriage? If not, why not?

This ISN’T about revenge affairs, two wrongs not making a right etc, nor is it about making people pay/controlling lives (before people start jumping all over it). This post is about trying to navigate the perils of reconciliation, trying to deal with doubts as to whether you can ever truly reconcile  and avoiding reacting to the apparent smugness of former WS’s who think that “everything is just tickety boo” these days.

 

Edited March 6, 2021 by Pottering About

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Another common theme is that the BS seemed to revel in causing the former WS the same pain and were quite callous in their attitudes and behaviours.

If that's the case, I would think these instances specifically would fit the category of "revenge affair" at least in part.

Speaking generally as I don't think I technically fit into one of your categories for posters, I'd say that BSs, just like WSs, are only human and subject to the same feelings and thought processes that WSs are. Like (many) WSs, they too fell for someone outside of the marriage, didn't "manage boundaries" or "follow their morals", and/or ultimately chose to have an affair rather than leaving the marriage or continuing to (try to) work on it.

[DKT3]

19 hours ago, Pottering About said:

There have been historical posts on here and other sites where a BS has had their own affair some years after apparently reconciling. Five years seemed to be a common time period and it was apparent in each case that the BH had not recovered at all but was merely trying to cope with life before reaching a breaking point. 
 

Another common theme is that the BS seemed to revel in causing the former WS the same pain and were quite callous in their attitudes and behaviours.

Do any of the WS’s on here who consider they have successfully reconciled ever worry about their BS having their own affairs some years later?  

How can you be sure “it will never happen to you” when that is probably what most BS’s thought in the first place? Do you ever think about this even if some years have gone by? Are you just in denial?

Those who are BS’s, deep down, do you really believe you have truly reconciled or have you “settled”? Does your resentment bubble to the surface even years later? If so, how do you deal with it?

It has become apparent to me that reconciliation is a life long effort and there is never an end to it. Do WS’s feel that they have to put in the heavy lifting for the rest of their married lives or do they think there comes a point where they don’t have to worry anymore?

Do WS’s ever worry that complacency will actually lead to the end of their marriage? If not, why not?

This ISN’T about revenge affairs, two wrongs not making a right etc, nor is it about making people pay/controlling lives (before people start jumping all over it). This post is about trying to navigate the perils of reconciliation, trying to deal with doubts as to whether you can ever truly reconcile  and avoiding reacting to the apparent smugness of former WS’s who think that “everything is just tickety boo” these days.

 

Unfortunately most couples don't ACTUALLY reconcile after infidelities,  they simply don't split. Staying together and reconciliation are two entirely different things. 

[SpecialJ]

I haven't been in this situation but having attempted a reconciliation once without infidelity being part of it (though full of plenty of other toxic aspects)... what are you defining as heavy lifting? I agree with @DKT3 completely about staying together but not reconciling. I view the heavy lifting as both sides diving deeply into the issues that led to the infidelity, resolving them, and growing / changing into more compatible partners with better trust, boundaries, and communication. If you're viewing heavy lifting as "making up for it" while still avoiding the core issues underneath it both in yourself and the marriage, and the wounds that led to it in the first place -- trying to keep the initial broken relationship in place -- then yeah... that's not fixing anything and cause for concern about the future. The foundation of the relationship, and any issues on either end of the partnership that would lead to dealing with problems internally by turning to infidelity, have to be addressed and perhaps rebuilt, new and healthier coping mechanisms learned to deal with stress and disagreement. If two adults have committed to doing these things and committed to actually working through the relationship, instead of just staying together, there's a much better chance the relationship really will heal and improve longer-term.

[DKT3]

I dont necessarily agree that BS have to do heavy lifting,  in fact some BS have been ideal spouses and were still cheated on. Thats simply stacking unfair upon unfair.  Some BS were crap spouses,  not that it caused the cheating,  however it shows a need to improve to make marriage better.