Why don't more women speak up for themselves?

[Negotaurus]

On 3/5/2021 at 7:39 PM, d0nnivain said:

Coming forward 6 months after the fact is not enough, IMO. 

I just wanted to chime in. 

I was sexually assaulted when I was 18. He got me drunk when I was suicidal and trying to confide in him, I trusted him. 

After the incident he blamed me. Told me I made it look like I wanted it, that I was dressed like that (I was wearing a normal dress like I often did, not anymore). After the incident I actually tried so hard to be his "friend", I was constantly sucking up to him and seeking validation. I don't know what the hell happened to me or why I did it, but trauma does horrid things to people. I believed him, that it was my fault and that I deserved it. 

It's a very complicated process, healing from it I mean. Especially when they gaslight and manipulate you like that while you're already broken and bleeding on the floor. 

A few years later, we'd lost all contact, I'd forgotten, when through the grapevine I heard he's getting married. He was with that woman when he assaulted me, he kept telling me "she doesn't have to know". I sent her proof of everything that happened and told her my story, literally 2 years after the incident. It helped me A LOT and she found a better path for herself as well, and looked happy. We talked a year after I came clean. She understood and was glad. Even if she'd been mad and married him anyway, I deserved to get the chance to have my truth spoken for once. 

I must admit, I take it so personally when people say "come clean now or shut up". I'm no victim anymore, I'm fine and I'm alright, it's simply so misunderstood by many. 

Edited March 16, 2021 by Negotaurus

[SaraSays]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

I must admit, I take it so personally when people say "come clean now or shut up". I'm no victim anymore, I'm fine and I'm alright, it's simply so misunderstood by many. 

I am so very sorry this happened. Nothing helps. This should never have been possible, and you're very brave for even posting this about it. Please take care. There are times I am posting her, and questions and comments (not borne out of people having spent time studying the topic, nor listening to victims; just clumsy judgement) cause pain to wounds that will never close, and I picture often the faces of those I am currently trying to help who've recently suffered male on female trauma in the workplace, on the street and in their homes. I despair, thinking of such comments and questions being made, because it's inevitably affecting how they behave in real life, how they make economic choices, shows no care to monitor crime stat's, shows no awareness of the psychology of trauma, shows no understanding of the barriers to women in desperate need of help trying to get that help from a system designed by men for men. We really need a means of tearing down the policing and government systems, and HR functions, as they pertain to victims of male on female crime, and victims of trauma, and starting again with many more people's voices being heard, explaining what's needed, and why.

Living with trauma is something few people take the time to understand, as you can see from this thread. Please step back for a bit, if anything here causes hurt. It isn't for victims to have to educate, nor plead with, the those who didn't care to spend time learning, nor to listening to those who've suffered such traumas.

Unfortunately, ignorance abounds, and it takes care and time to want to educate oneself about the realities of something, rather than just post opinions on the internet. We aren't overflowing with people trying to help abused women in the voluntary sector, nor in people advocating for women's rights. We're desperately in need of more ordinary people educating themselves on trauma, in the hopes that they'll add their voices to the chorus asking for reform of policing,  the criminal justice system, HR, services for victims of trauma in the workplace, and so on, to make life a bit safer for women, to enable women to come to terms with their trauma without the police and legal system adding trauma on top, and to protect victims of trauma from further abuse from our abusers.

Lastly, I just want to say whether a victim, whether fine, or not, whether getting-by day-to-day, or falling apart, your only duty is to try to keep your head above water, because dealing with a trauma is already enough. Victims of trauma shouldn't have to also carry the burden of educating others, nor of subjecting ourselves to further traumas through the formal systems  as they currently stand. We have to be able to look to all people to care about making society safer for women, to care about making it possible for women to prosper at every level in organisations, to ask why we're missing from the top of organisations, to ask why legal systems fail victims of male on female crime, to ask which systems in society were designed without our voices being heard, to care to ask what our experiences are...

I walk up a set of stairs most days under normal circumstances, whereby the part to step-on is transparent glass, and there are gaps between each step. I am reminded every time I have to hurry up that staircase, every time men stand under that staircase, of how much thought is put into women's safety.

[Prudence V]

Here is another example of the system failing a woman who did try to “speak up for herself”. A drunk, off-duty cop assaults a woman and verbally abuses her, and gets off with the merest slap on the wrist (a curfew, and a £500 fine). No custodial sentence, not even community service. Outrageous. 

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/mar/19/west-midlands-police-officer-attacked-woman-pc-oliver-banfield