Gabiseariele Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 So I met this guy almost 6 months ago. We saw each other a couple of times last year, I was looking at him as a friend, as ge was really shy and smart and just a generally nice person. BUT!!! We started seeing each other at least 4 times a week since January. So it’s been 2 months. We are watching movies, going for long walks, singing together and I started developing feelings for him. We talked about it and he has mentioned not once that he is really careful as he feels responsible for other people and doesn’t want to rush things as in his experience he burned a lot and he hates to break someone’s heart when it doesn’t work. Also he is saying it’s hard for him to feel something more, so far he feels comfortable and cozy with me. So I told him either let’s be friends or let’s risk it as I felt stuck... so he said lets risk it. a week later we just hugged warmly for the first time, and I am not sure how to get things moving... as I said he is really shy, but I really want to have more closure. Any tips? Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 I would go at his pace. I'm involved with a man who is much slower than what you describe. This is a first for me but I am seeing and feeling progress. I'd rather be with a man who proceeds slowly (as long as little bits of progress are noticeable) than with someone who flings themselves into a R quickly. I've watched too many of those types of R go up in flames. Plus the fact that my bf is going slowly with me shows me he has good judgement. I like that. The guy I dated before this one was pushing me for marriage within four months! He felt desperate to me although he was a good catch as they say. Drove me nuts the entire two years we dated and I never felt I could make a good judgement about the relationship because I was so focused on holding him back! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Yes, go at his pace. If you try to steer him into going more quickly he will be uncomfortable and probably resent it. If you are truly compatible and have a real connection, you'll see it progressing as time goes on. It may not be as quickly as you want, but that doesn't mean anything negative about your relationship potential. Patience has it's own rewards. Focus on enjoying your time together. If you worry too much about how to move things along he'll be able to sense the tension instead of getting the message that you're happy to be with him. Once he's more confident that you accept him as he is and that he can make you happy he'll be more likely to pick up the pace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) I think you don't want to credit him for going so cautiously. Rather, much better to judge him as not ready for romance. He's giving all kinds of reasons. Basically the reasons don't matter. What matter is, is he ready for romance now or not? If not, you're wasting your time. People don't just quickly change if they're not ready for romance. Plus, there is something oddly distant and cold and unstable about the way he's describing himself. The wisdom here is to avoid trying to figure out his "problem." Instead, just judge him based on whether you are happy with the relationship right now. Yes or no? You should NOT assume he will change. Often what happens is ... the person in your situation tries to show patience and understanding (like you're doing here) and then at some point things don't change and you break up. Within a short time, the other person (the "I'm being careful" person) gets engaged to someone new. Turns out, their hesitation was only with us--not with everyone. Let me tell you, when that happens, the pain for the person in your position is excruciating. Edited March 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 On 2/28/2021 at 4:55 PM, Gabiseariele said: So I met this guy almost 6 months ago. We saw each other a couple of times last year, I was looking at him as a friend, as ge was really shy and smart and just a generally nice person. BUT!!! We started seeing each other at least 4 times a week since January. So it’s been 2 months. We are watching movies, going for long walks, singing together and I started developing feelings for him. We talked about it and he has mentioned not once that he is really careful as he feels responsible for other people and doesn’t want to rush things as in his experience he burned a lot and he hates to break someone’s heart when it doesn’t work. Also he is saying it’s hard for him to feel something more, so far he feels comfortable and cozy with me. So I told him either let’s be friends or let’s risk it as I felt stuck... so he said lets risk it. a week later we just hugged warmly for the first time, and I am not sure how to get things moving... as I said he is really shy, but I really want to have more closure. Any tips? I subscribe to dating coaches (yes, LS! this curmudgeon wants to date again *SURPRISE*) videos (cheesy but their advice is helpful). The one piece of advice they all agree on: if he's not pursuing a relationship with you (for any reason and I mean, any reason), he's not interested in having a relationship with you. There is nothing you can do or even need to do, to "make" him be in a relationship with you. He's keeping you around as a placeholder until he can meet someone he's 100% willing to go all-in with. His actions show you he's not interested in you in that way. His tepid responses "doesn't want to rush things" is bull. Plain bull. No reading between the lines there. You need to take back your power here. Doesn't matter that your hormones are ramped up around him. Attraction means nothing in the scheme of things. It just doesn't. He's not interested in committing to you 100% as a romantic partner and for whatever his reasons are, he doesn't have the maturity to just tell you that, which is what you're asking us to do for you. So, I'm telling you, you can't get things moving b/c he doesn't want to move them. You can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Tell him that you are disappointed he doesn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship with you and so, as a result of this knowledge, you no longer are willing to sleep with him or date him romantically, and that you need to distance yourself from him and not talk to him until you're ready to just be platonic friends with him (I wouldn't recommend that for you, since you clearly want more). Short answer: he doesn't want a relationship with you. So, you have to walk away. If you stay, you stay as a placeholder for him, which means you lose your power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 9 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I subscribe to dating coaches (yes, LS! this curmudgeon wants to date again *SURPRISE*) videos (cheesy but their advice is helpful). The one piece of advice they all agree on: if he's not pursuing a relationship with you (for any reason and I mean, any reason), he's not interested in having a relationship with you. There is nothing you can do or even need to do, to "make" him be in a relationship with you. He's keeping you around as a placeholder until he can meet someone he's 100% willing to go all-in with. His actions show you he's not interested in you in that way. His tepid responses "doesn't want to rush things" is bull. Plain bull. No reading between the lines there. You need to take back your power here. Doesn't matter that your hormones are ramped up around him. Attraction means nothing in the scheme of things. It just doesn't. He's not interested in committing to you 100% as a romantic partner and for whatever his reasons are, he doesn't have the maturity to just tell you that, which is what you're asking us to do for you. So, I'm telling you, you can't get things moving b/c he doesn't want to move them. You can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Tell him that you are disappointed he doesn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship with you and so, as a result of this knowledge, you no longer are willing to sleep with him or date him romantically, and that you need to distance yourself from him and not talk to him until you're ready to just be platonic friends with him (I wouldn't recommend that for you, since you clearly want more). Short answer: he doesn't want a relationship with you. So, you have to walk away. If you stay, you stay as a placeholder for him, which means you lose your power. You’re dating again, watercolors!! I’m glad to hear that. 🙌👏🙌. If a guy told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be together.. I would make up his mind for him. I guess I’m egotistical, but want a guy who’s all about me... (and vice versa) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You’re dating again, watercolors!! I’m glad to hear that. 🙌👏🙌. If a guy told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be together.. I would make up his mind for him. I guess I’m egotistical, but want a guy who’s all about me... (and vice versa) Lol yes, I want to (but not via online dating means). Guess the ice has finally melted around this curmudgeon's heart. I feel bad for the OP. The guy is clearly using the poor OP as a placeholder if he feels comfortable and cozy with her as things are (in limbo, not headed towards a full blown relationship). I hope she bails out of what appears to be a leaking boat. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Im sorry but he doesnt want a relationship with you. He wants to keep things as they are, comfortable and cozy without the commitment. Now that you have feelings for him you are likely heading for a broken heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 On 2/28/2021 at 5:55 PM, Gabiseariele said: he is saying it’s hard for him to feel something more, so far he feels comfortable and cozy with me. a week later we just hugged warmly for the first time, and I am not sure how to get things moving. It's a strange sort of limbo to be cuddle buddies. Somewhere between dating and friends but not FWB. Take your time but be prepared for him not to want a relationship, even if you start being physical. He seems like an arms-length type of guy who comes with a black box warning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gabiseariele Posted March 12, 2021 Author Share Posted March 12, 2021 So... it’s been a few weeks now since the question of what to do. I’ve discovered that he has some issues down there. He finishes too fast, he is feeling super insecure about it, I can definitely feel it 100%. I didn’t talk with him about it just yet, as we tried twice and first time he finished before even starting, 2nd- in maybe 10 seconds. I am assuming he is well aware of this being a problem, as he says “yes let’s use condoms with anaesthetic, It will help me to not finish so fast”, BUT it didn’t. i am thinking that all that lack if self worth and “not knowing” comes from the insecurities. But the question is... how do I make him confident about who he is? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2021 Share Posted March 12, 2021 He has "premature ejaculation" - google it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2021 Share Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Gabiseariele said: So... it’s been a few weeks now since the question of what to do. I’ve discovered that he has some issues down there. He finishes too fast, he is feeling super insecure about it, I can definitely feel it 100%. I didn’t talk with him about it just yet, as we tried twice and first time he finished before even starting, 2nd- in maybe 10 seconds. I am assuming he is well aware of this being a problem, as he says “yes let’s use condoms with anaesthetic, It will help me to not finish so fast”, BUT it didn’t. i am thinking that all that lack if self worth and “not knowing” comes from the insecurities. But the question is... how do I make him confident about who he is? Google "premature ejaculation". He's aware of it. It's sometimes related to anxiety or other issues, psychologically, medically or situationally. Unfortunately you'll have to decide if you can deal with it. He as well could use more help being a better lover or learning appropriate techniques, but you don't have to teach him or be a guinea pig in his learning curve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gabiseariele Posted March 12, 2021 Author Share Posted March 12, 2021 Guinea pig or not, I feel amazing with him in all other ways, so I want to know if there is anything I can do to make this all better, I think all sexual experiences come from trust and a lot of things can be learned together. I just never been in a situation like this before, so it’s hard for me to see all the options. I’m so new at this, not sure where to start the conversation, I feel like I need to be really careful with not hurting him in any way, it must be a really sensitive topic for a man Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2021 Share Posted March 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Gabiseariele said: i am thinking that all that lack if self worth and “not knowing” comes from the insecurities. But the question is... how do I make him confident about who he is? I suspect that you are right. But you as his lover can't fix this. Has he tried the various drugs? Has he spoken to a urologist? I think it's interesting that this emotionally unavailable man who was going at this slow pace has already made it into your bed. That isn't somebody who is unsure about you. His issues are that he knows he can't please you & therefore didn't want to try. You best introduce him to ways to pleasure you that don't invole penetration. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) On 3/12/2021 at 5:58 AM, Gabiseariele said: Guinea pig or not, I feel amazing with him in all other ways, so I want to know if there is anything I can do to make this all better, I think all sexual experiences come from trust and a lot of things can be learned together. I just never been in a situation like this before, so it’s hard for me to see all the options. I’m so new at this, not sure where to start the conversation, I feel like I need to be really careful with not hurting him in any way, it must be a really sensitive topic for a man What you're just refusing to accept is that you cannot do anything to change him or any problems like this erectile dysfunction that he has. I'm starting to think this is a pattern with you and the people you are involved with. It's a red flag that you are not willing to talk to him either about his erectile dysfunction. Relationships don't function without communication. That's another issue that you're also ignoring here, that is a red flag. He's very aware of his E.D. problem. That he chooses not to openly discuss it with you is because again, he doesn't view you as someone he is 100% invested in. Otherwise, he'd be totally willing to be vulnerable with you and openly discuss it so that you two could work around that issue with sex toys, massage, etc. The fact that he won't openly discuss it with you is a reflection of how he feels about you and about himself. i'm wondering if you view men as 'projects' whom you believe you can improve or change to suit your needs better. Well, you can't change anyone but yourself. You feel amazing with this guy because that's what you project towards him, and he just deflects it back to you, so you think that you two have chemistry, but you really don't. You cannot fix him. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you'll be. Edited March 27, 2021 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
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