poppyfields Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Sometimes (a lot) of the cases in dating, even if there are bad intuitions or red/yellow flags, the girl wants to follow through until the very end with the guy especially when there's high interest involved which seems to be the case with OP. Later along the road when the guy is officially diagnosed a dud, it'll confirm those doubts she had in the first place but will feel upset for "wasting time". Now emily hopefully this isn't the case with this guy and he actually turns out to be great, so don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to try and see how things go. A lot of the times we have to decide on our own when someone is not a good use of our time despite hearing others' opinions albeit they be super helpful! So true. I've written this before but experience is the best teacher. That is how we learn, it's always how I learned. Not from listening to others, but by doing, experiencing. I have no doubt that's how everyone else learned too. Something I also strongly believe is "things are often not what they appear to be." There have been several situations on this forum proving how true that is. Posters asserting something is black, when the actual outcome turned out to be white. You have to play it out otherwise you risk second guessing, or asking yourself "what if" or actually regretting not taking a particular action. There is a saying "regret not the things you do, but the things you have not done." Intuition is subjective and can be based on many things. If it turns out it was wrong, then so be, you learn from it. Emily, if you want to go meet him, then go meet him!! Keep an open mind, and have fun, enjoy. Take the risk. Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Alpacalia Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 9 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: We only started talking 2 weeks ago and haven't met in person yet, so I guess is a bit too soon to talk about feelings!? It's important to remember that because I believe we have a propensity to read these threads from a "time distorted" viewpoint. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 3, 2021 Author Posted March 3, 2021 8 hours ago, poppyfields said: So true. I've written this before but experience is the best teacher. That is how we learn, it's always how I learned. Not from listening to others, but by doing, experiencing. I have no doubt that's how everyone else learned too. Something I also strongly believe is "things are often not what they appear to be." There have been several situations on this forum proving how true that is. Posters asserting something is black, when the actual outcome turned out to be white. You have to play it out otherwise you risk second guessing, or asking yourself "what if" or actually regretting not taking a particular action. There is a saying "regret not the things you do, but the things you have not done." Intuition is subjective and can be based on many things. If it turns out it was wrong, then so be, you learn from it. Emily, if you want to go meet him, then go meet him!! Keep an open mind, and have fun, enjoy. Take the risk. I have a list of non negociables that I use when I meet a new guy online. Things that it's an instant no from me in talking to that guy or meet him. Things like: he is married or attached, lives too far, doesn't have a job, lives with his mom, talks about having sex with me, invites for a first date at his place, etc. In those situations I Block and delete and do not take the risk and do not think "What if". In this case with this guy he doesn't have any of the things in that list. I also enjoy talking to him and he feels different from other guys. There was a time in OLD I felt I was meeting the same types of men over and over, with just a different face and name: the one who just want sex, the emotionally unavailable, the one who doesn't know what he wants and lost in life, etc. This guy came along and just feels different from all that. So yes despite the fact there are some things that are a yellow flag with him, I want to meet him in person, otherwise I'll think "What if?". He might not take the lead like an alpha male would, but he is nice and respectful and we have lots in common. So at least meet for a first date even if it will be just one date and that's it. One date is not even a risk, is just a date. 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: He might not take the lead like an alpha male would, but he is nice and respectful and we have lots in common. He's not really that slow, given the pandemic etc. This is s l o w : Edited March 3, 2021 by Wiseman2
princessaurora Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) Even if he does seem a little insecure and passive right now does not mean he won't be a little more forward once he knows you like him just as much as he likes you. I dated a guy years ago who was a little insecure/shy. I never understood it because he was so handsome. On our second date when he brought me home, he leaned towards me like he wanted a kiss and I met him halfway, but we ended up bumping heads instead (it was a jeep). We laughed it off and he didn't try to kiss me again that night. But the next date took place at his house and after we ate dinner, we were sitting on the sofa and he put his arm around me and got real close, so I knew he wanted a kiss. We started kissing and within 10 minutes he had my shirt off! Normally, I like a guy who takes the lead, but there was something so hot about a man who went from being a scared little kitten to a dominating tiger in a matter of a few minutes. I felt like I brought the animal in him out and that was such a turn on to me. So yeah, I would meet with the guy and see how it progresses. He may completely let his guard down if you two start vibing. Edited March 3, 2021 by princessaurora grammar 4
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 lol, I've BEEN advocating meeting the guy all along. It's your anxious mind, OP, that has taken us on this journey. Faux intuition is a real thing. The reason you are still willing to go through with the date is that on some level your anxious mind knows it's being irrational and you have the goal of dating which can't be ignored by your mind as is at odds with your anxiety. This whole thread is a tribute to overthinking and trying to mitigate a very small risk so it's pretty funny that 9 pages, probably 200 posts in there is an attempt to minimize it like you believe it's no big thing. Absolutely what I said. It's exhausting to debate with an anxious mind, I forgot how much so Here's a link to some of the bare minimum of evidence that your perception becomes warped (same as intuition in the sense you are using it) when you are anxious and an over thinker---(threat detection system becomes hypersensitive): https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160928-how-anxiety-warps-your-perception Ironically, the same bias and anxiety, will be coming to the date with you....so anxious people have a tendency to confirmation bias that their "intuition" was right all along. It's a negative loop. The end result is not pre-determined. Your inputs will also influence the outcome. So you cannot separate them from what the ultimate outcome of the success or failure of the date are. 2
poppyfields Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) Emily, to clarify, my "what if" does not apply to situations that are dealbreakers. It applies to something or a course of action you wanted to do/take but allowed others (or society) to influence your decision, and as such did not take that action. Like meeting this guy. Others say no. Their opinions are to be respected and appreciated. Buy I say do what you want, what you think is best. If it doesn't work out, so be, learn from the experience. Meet in a public place. Stay safe. That's all. Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 I've never viewed this thread about should Emilyinroses meet him or not. It's about recognizing he's not the go-get-her man she's looking for. She doesn't want to lead but ends up doing it 3 times in 2 weeks....then she hopes he'll be different face to face. Sometimes women think they enjoy a certain type of men, maybe Emilyinroses will discover something about herself, like she could be perfectly happy with a man a little more on the Beta side. 1
poppyfields Posted March 3, 2021 Posted March 3, 2021 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Sometimes women think they enjoy a certain type of men, maybe Emilyinroses will discover something about herself, like she could be perfectly happy with a man a little more on the Beta side. Like this guy? I agree, I have recently discovered this myself. Wanting/needing a man with a mix of alpha and beta. I have been told this is virtually impossible to find but I beg to differ. Anyhoo @Emilyinroseshave fun on your meet and let us know!
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 3, 2021 Author Posted March 3, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Like this guy? I agree, I have recently discovered this myself. Wanting/needing a man with a mix of alpha and beta. I have been told this is virtually impossible to find but I beg to differ. Anyhoo @Emilyinroseshave fun on your meet and let us know! Maybe I will discorrer something yes. Not sure if we'll be able to meet though, we were going for a walk and it seems there will be heavy rain the rest of the week... with no coffee shops open, we have nowhere to go. Edited March 3, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gatti Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 On 2/20/2021 at 3:06 PM, Emilyinroses said: I like guys who take charge and show interest and initiative. Guys with a masculine energy that ask for my number, for a date, etc. If I do that myself I feel like I am being the man and sets the tone for the rest. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I understand this exactly. Give it a few more weeks. Some of the nicer guys are gun shy so to speak.
poppyfields Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: Maybe I will discorrer something yes. Not sure if we'll be able to meet though, we were going for a walk and it seems there will be heavy rain the rest of the week... with no coffee shops open, we have nowhere to go. Cop out! Lol Wear a raincoat, bring an umbrella! I would, I love walking in the rain, so what if you get a little wet? It's just water. Is there a park with a gazebo? Sit under the gazebo to stay dry, bring some wine and cheese! Talk, get to know each other, isn't that what it's all about? Be creative, adventurous. PS: Just a suggestion. Assuming you really want to meet him. Edited March 4, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 17 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: Maybe I will discorrer something yes. Not sure if we'll be able to meet though, we were going for a walk and it seems there will be heavy rain the rest of the week... with no coffee shops open, we have nowhere to go. Walk around a store that's open. Yes a weird date but we're in weird times. That way you can stroll around out of the weather. Pick a place that's large, interesting and relatively uncrowded. So what if you are next to produce or electronicsor home improvement items when you are walking around chatting? Dating in these weird times is a challenge for sure, so be as innovative as possible. 3
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 13 hours ago, poppyfields said: Cop out! Lol Wear a raincoat, bring an umbrella! I would, I love walking in the rain, so what if you get a little wet? It's just water. Is there a park with a gazebo? Sit under the gazebo to stay dry, bring some wine and cheese! Talk, get to know each other, isn't that what it's all about? Be creative, adventurous. PS: Just a suggestion. Assuming you really want to meet him. We've had a date today! We thought it wouldn't be raining so we went out for a walk in a park and after half an hour it started raining massively. We found a shelter where we could sit down and stayed there chatting. Well I really like him. He is basically the same as on the texts and phone, and I felt exactly the same around him. It was easy and effortless and simple. I also felt my anxiety calmed down and I was very relaxed near him and by the time I went home. At the end of the date we both said we enjoyed it and want to do it again. So yes now I know how he is in person and am happy to continue talking to him and see how it goes. I didn't see any red flags and he seems genuine, so let's see. 7
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 I'm happy for you You can do it again on a nice day. I imagine even with confinement authorities don't bother people getting some air in parks. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I'm happy for you You can do it again on a nice day. I imagine even with confinement authorities don't bother people getting some air in parks. Yes well do it again on a nice day. We were the only people in the park because it was raining! No authorities, no other people. lol Lockdown is also gonna end in a week or so. 3
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 5, 2021 Author Posted March 5, 2021 9 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yay!!! So you guys have another date planned? We didn't plan anything yet. We only talked about going for another walk in a day when it's not raining. It's gonna be sunny all week next week, so I guess wel'll meet next week again. 2 1
SaraSays Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I'm really proud of you, @Emilyinroses, and I hope you are proud of you, too. You're being brave, taking baby steps, keeping your hopes in-check, keeping a good head on your shoulders about how much time has passed and what's realistic for this point in time, looking to see if there's a reason to keep moving forward at each turn, and moving forward confidently if there is... Your expectations seem great - appropriate for the point in time. You're appreciative of anything he's doing that's nice. You're reflecting on how you're feeling, and what's genuine v's a story you're telling yourself. It's lovely to see. Growth is hard when we've been hurt in the past. Well done. I sense you're going to be just fine, wherever each step of this takes you. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 Clock is on homeboy has a little trouble stepping up to the plate. But I guess it’s not my call to make
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 On 3/5/2021 at 12:49 PM, SaraSays said: I'm really proud of you, @Emilyinroses, and I hope you are proud of you, too. You're being brave, taking baby steps, keeping your hopes in-check, keeping a good head on your shoulders about how much time has passed and what's realistic for this point in time, looking to see if there's a reason to keep moving forward at each turn, and moving forward confidently if there is... Your expectations seem great - appropriate for the point in time. You're appreciative of anything he's doing that's nice. You're reflecting on how you're feeling, and what's genuine v's a story you're telling yourself. It's lovely to see. Growth is hard when we've been hurt in the past. Well done. I sense you're going to be just fine, wherever each step of this takes you. Thank you so much! 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 6, 2021 Author Posted March 6, 2021 On 3/5/2021 at 5:44 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Clock is on homeboy has a little trouble stepping up to the plate. But I guess it’s not my call to make He does. I told him I enjoyed meeting him, he said he did too, and that we have to do it again, and then no plans to meet again until now. And he has actually stopped contacting me as much as before. As I said before, I like when things flow and are effortless and don’t leave you thinking. So I’m not making any more efforts here.
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 34 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: And he has actually stopped contacting me as much as before. As I said before, I like when things flow and are effortless and don’t leave you thinking. So I’m not making any more efforts here. How much he contacts you now? That's the risk of daily communication several times a day I was warning you about. It's important to keep a bit of mystery and not be too available. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 19 hours ago, Gaeta said: How much he contacts you now? That's the risk of daily communication several times a day I was warning you about. It's important to keep a bit of mystery and not be too available. He still contacts me every day, messages good morning, sends messages throughout the day and calls me in the evening. But the messages are less than before. And I don’t see an effort to get to know me more. I talk and share a lot more than him and am getting fed up. Also, no mention to plan a day and time to meet again. I am talking to another guy who is being a lot more proactive and the difference between them is huge. I like things to progress and this guy although I like him, is just boring me with being aloof.
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 Ok so you gave it a try and you now can confirm to yourself that he's aloof in real life as much as he was on text. This guy will only up his game when you stop being available at every text and every call. He needs to feel you are slipping away. I'm glad you made another contact, any talk of meeting this one? About talking and sharing: That is something you need to 'not do' at the beginning. You don't open yourself to a man that has not proven himself to you, especially not on text. This is why I thought it was imperative you put the phone down with the original guy and let him do what he's programmed to do - pursue you. 2
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