This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[cleverusername]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I understand what you are saying, but this is not a weakness at all and I am not weak because I am anxious or prone to be manipulated by narcissists. 

Maybe 10 years ago but not now. Now I have my boundaries.

But yes I get what you say about scaring away good guys. 

You don't want a man to lead because you are not trusting. You find security in the power you have over the relationship because you know it can't be manipulated. Noting wrong with that, but it is going to hold you back. This isnt your fault, its just a side effect of the previous relationships you've had. You don't need to give up all your power, but if you want a guy to lead you have to give him a chance. Let him meet you half way. 

This is just how i'm interpreting it.

Edited March 11, 2021 by cleverusername

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So what about the other man you said you were talking to and had a date to meet, the one who DID take charge?  Are you attracted to him?  

Why are you not focusing on him?  Even after we pushed you to talk about him, you didn't.  

Went right back to talking about Mr. Elusive, Mr. Mysterious who keeps you wondering and guessing.

Something to think about at least.

I’ll tell you what made feel attracted to this guy. I used to attract guys who love bomb and are very forward because they only want sex or want a specific outcome (my ex love bombed me and I fell for it).

So in the beginning I was finding this guy weirdly slow, but I thought that perhaps I need a guy like that so we can know each other and I don’t have things happening too fast.

Then I started realising he isn’t slow, he is lazy and stagnant.

Well the reason I am not talking about the other guy is because he cancelled the date and stopped contacting.

But I am still on the dating App and talking to other men. That didn’t stop because of this guy.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I’ll tell you what made feel attracted to this guy. I used to attract guys who love bomb and are very forward because they only want sex or want a specific outcome...

What made you believe those men only wanted sex or a specific outcome?   In my experience, men with masculine energy, take charge, no nonsense types, when attracted to a woman will push for sex early on.  That's natural.  It does not mean that is all they want, it only means they are not afraid to escalate and let a woman know he's attracted to her and wants to have sex with her.  It's not a bad or negative thing.

It's up to you to maintain boundaries if that is not what you want.  If he doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing, then next him.

But don't judge or fault a man for being bold and confident enough to let you know he is attracted and wants to have sex with you.  Again, it does not mean that is all he wants.

That is precisely what masculine energy is - bold, confident, brave, no nonsense. Leaders. 

 

 

Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, poppyfields said:

What made you believe those men only wanted sex or a specific outcome?   In my experience, men with masculine energy, take charge, no nonsense types, when attracted to a woman will push for sex early on.  That's natural.  It does not mean that is all they want, it only means they are not afraid to escalate and let a woman know he's attracted to her and wants to have sex with her.  It's not a bad or negative thing.

It's up to you to maintain boundaries if that is not what you want.  If he doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing, then next him

It really is that easy.

But don't judge or fault a man for being bold and confident enough to let you know he is attracted and wants to have sex with you.

That is masculine energy,

 

 

I know. It’s just my ex, he was bold, took charge, etc, but also told me he loved me after 2 dates and that I was his soulmate!

Long story short, he was basically living a fantasy in his head. And now here I am afraid of moving too fast with a bold confident guy, and attracting emotionally unavailable guys like this one.

I did meet a guy 4 months ago, he was confident and full of masculine energy and wanted to have sex. We did make out but afterwards I got scared. He said sex is not all he wants, but I didn’t believe him. I am still attracted to him. 

I guess I am just scared of being hurt again.

[Miss Spider]

Yea it’s  black-and-white thinking thing. That all the guys that come on stronger are manipulative. And  this dichotomy of alpha- man who takes initiative and beta-boy who can’t take charge. There really are not just two types here anyway... I have dated men who were pretty passive in a lot of ways and didn’t ‘take charge’ in a lot of aspects, but they had no problem taking the initiative to ask me on dates. It’s  more about when you’re interested in someone and see mutual interest, you really want to see them again so you make plans to do so. I’ve done the same thing 

Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea it’s  black-and-white thinking thing. That all the guys that come on stronger are manipulative. And  this dichotomy of alpha- man who takes initiative and beta-boy who can’t take charge. There really are not just two types here anyway... I have dated men who were pretty passive in a lot of ways and didn’t ‘take charge’ in a lot of aspects, but they had no problem taking the initiative to ask me on dates. It’s  more about when you’re interested in someone and see mutual interest, you really want to see them again so you make plans to do so. I’ve done the same thing 

Maybe I have that black and white thinking because I only meet guys that are those two extremes.

I want a man who is in the middle, balanced. Who I can feel comfortable with.

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I know. It’s just my ex, he was bold, took charge, etc, but also told me he loved me after 2 dates and that I was his soulmate!

Long story short, he was basically living a fantasy in his head. And now here I am afraid of moving too fast with a bold confident guy, and attracting emotionally unavailable guys like this one.

I did meet a guy 4 months ago, he was confident and full of masculine energy and wanted to have sex. We did make out but afterwards I got scared. He said sex is not all he wants, but I didn’t believe him. I am still attracted to him. 

I guess I am just scared of being hurt again.

Emily, bolded, I can relate, my last long term ex was the same, had more masculine energy than he knew what to do with! lol

He came out of the gate running (first night we met we had sex which I wanted too so not judging him for that), he asked to be exclusive on second date and I was the one who slowed him down, told him he was moving WAY too fast.  He respected that and we slowed down a bit, and were together six years.

You gotta find that right balance.  Not too fast, not too slow, but moving in the same direction. 

Do not be afraid to tell a man he's moving too fast, if he becomes put off by that and leaves, then he wasn't in it for the long haul anyway.  He just wanted fast and furious.

I posted this earlier, but the right man for me will have a healthy blend of alpha and beta.  Perhaps a bit more alpha, but to me being alpha includes a bit of beta as well, a certain sensitivity (and dare I say softness) which many men with too much masculine energy or testosterone lack.

Some say a man like that doesn't exist, it's like you just posted, it's one extreme or the other (alpha or beta) but I don't agree.  I think there are men out there who possess a healthy blend of both.

Did have a very brief taste of that many years ago, and I realize now those are best men to have relationships with, imo.

 

 

Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

You don't want a man to lead because you are not trusting. You find security in the power you have over the relationship because you know it can't be manipulated. Noting wrong with that, but it is going to hold you back. This isnt your fault, its just a side effect of the previous relationships you've had. You don't need to give up all your power, but if you want a guy to lead you have to give him a chance. Let him meet you half way. 

This is just how i'm interpreting it.

I think there is some truth to this^ Emily....

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Emily, bolded, I can relate, my last long term ex was the same, had more masculine energy than he knew what to do with! lol

He came out of the gate running (first night we met we had sex which I wanted too so not judging him for that), he asked to be exclusive on second date and I was the one who slowed him down, told him he was moving WAY too fast.  He respected that and we slowed down a bit, and were together six years.

You gotta find that right balance.  Not too fast, not too slow, but moving in the same direction. 

Do not be afraid to tell a man he's moving too fast, if he becomes put off by that and leaves, then he wasn't in it for the long haul anyway.  He just wanted fast and furious.

I posted this earlier, but the right man for me will have a healthy blend of alpha and beta.  Perhaps a bit more alpha, but to me being alpha includes a bit of beta as well, a certain sensitivity (and dare I say softness) which many men with too much masculine energy or testosterone lack.

Some say a man like that doesn't exist, it's like you just posted, it's one extreme or the other (alpha or beta) but I don't agree.  I think there are men out there who possess a healthy blend of both.

Did have a very brief taste of that many years ago, and I realize now those are best men to have relationships with, imo.

 

 

Yes! I call it the nice guy with an edge! 😁

He has a balance of both masculine and feminine energies. But yes more masculine. 

I love that and I do believe men like that exist, but they are men who are more evolved spiritually and mentally I believe.

I work on myself to have that balance too. I am more happy in my feminine energy, and my masculine energy only comes out at work (I’m a go getter at work), and when someone is crossing my boundaries, like it happened with this guy.

I want a man I can feel safe with in my feminine energy. A man who leads from the heart.

Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes! I call it the nice guy with an edge! 😁

He has a balance of both masculine and feminine energies. But yes more masculine. 

I love that and I do believe men like that exist, but they are men who are more evolved spiritually and mentally I believe.

I work on myself to have that balance too. I am more happy in my feminine energy, and my masculine energy only comes out at work (I’m a go getter at work), and when someone is crossing my boundaries, like it happened with this guy.

I want a man I can feel safe in my feminine energy. A man who leads from the heart.

Fabulous, now that you know the type of man you are drawn to, attracted to, want and need, you can next the guys (like the current guy) who don't even come close to possessing those qualities.  I had him pegged from your very first post, I knew he would disappoint, and he did!  

I won't say he was a time waster though, because I think you learned something valuable from the experience, which is a 👍.

Just keep going, you'll find your Mr. Right eventually.  

Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

25 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Maybe I have that black and white thinking because I only meet guys that are those two extremes.

I want a man who is in the middle, balanced. Who I can feel comfortable with.

 

27 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Maybe I have that black and white thinking because I only meet guys that are those two extremes.

I want a man who is in the middle, balanced. Who I can feel comfortable with.

I understand. Well;  obviously cannot be comfortable pursuing a serious relationship with a guy that is not asking you out or being consistent. I don’t think many people would be. That is ok for casual, just see where it goes, but when you are trying to build a serious relationship you want that balance(?) 
 

I’ve had exes that came in hot and were overall good guys. Some people just operate like that and can’t tone it down much when they really like someone. I don’t think you should mistrust someone just for that.

I preferred my relationships with a slower ( but that slow) pace is nice and also you get to maintain that air of mystery that keeps attraction going strong. That might’ve been part of what interested you about this person. That they held back a lot and made you question things. you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on here. And whether you recognize it or not, and that thought is actually an investment into this person. Because you’re thinking so much about this person ( for the wrong reason)you actually think you end up actually thinking you like this person more than you do. Haha. 

 

Good luck on your dating journey. ❤️
 

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

I understand. Well;  obviously cannot be comfortable pursuing a serious relationship with a guy that is not asking you out or being consistent. I don’t think many people would be. That is ok for casual, just see where it goes, but when you are trying to build a serious relationship you want that balance(?) 
 

I’ve had exes that came in hot and were overall good guys. Some people just operate like that and can’t tone it down much when they really like someone. I don’t think you should mistrust someone just for that.

I preferred my relationships with a slower ( but that slow) pace is nice and also you get to maintain that air of mystery that keeps attraction going strong. That might’ve been part of what interested you about this person. That they held back a lot and made you question things. you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on here. And whether you recognize it or not, and that thought is actually an investment into this person. Because you’re thinking so much about this person ( for the wrong reason)you actually think you end up actually thinking you like this person more than you do. Haha. 

 

Good luck on your dating journey. ❤️
 

You are right. He made me think a lot about what’s going on and that was part of the interest. Now I understand that behind that mystery, was nothing. 🤷‍♀️ 

Thank you!

Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fabulous, now that you know the type of man you are drawn to, attracted to, want and need, you can next the guys (like the current guy) who don't even come close to possessing those qualities.  I had him pegged from your very first post, I knew he would disappoint, and he did!  

I won't say he was a time waster though, because I think you learned something valuable from the experience, which is a 👍.

Just keep going, you'll find your Mr. Right eventually.  

Agree, not a time waster. He actually helped me lose the fear I had about a guy who is more forward. 

Thank you!

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

 He actually helped me lose the fear I had about a guy who is more forward. 

When you meet a leader that shows early his desire to be intimate instead of shutting him down just tell him you love the idea of being intimate together but a bit later. This tells the guy that you're not prude or frigide, you are a sexual woman but you simply want to take your time. 

Now, if you come across a guy that wants to know your favorite position during  first conversation you block him. Sex talk happens in person. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Now, if you come across a guy that wants to know your favorite position during first conversation you block him. 

Lol, or like in another recent thread, where a guy a woman was speaking with on line asked her "how are your boobs?" or something ridiculous like that.

I am totally laughing to myself right now thinking back on that.  🤣 

Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you meet a leader that shows early his desire to be intimate instead of shutting him down just tell him you love the idea of being intimate together but a bit later. This tells the guy that you're not prude or frigide, you are a sexual woman but you simply want to take your time. 

Now, if you come across a guy that wants to know your favorite position during  first conversation you block him. Sex talk happens in person. 

Yes true. 

Waiting for this guy to make a move actually made me WANT to date! Not him but in general!

I went on coffee dates with guys before but I was always afraid and wanted to come back home to my comfort zone, and now I want to date!! I want to go out with someone! To have fun!

I feel like this guy because he wasn’t giving me that, opened me to truly want that, if you know what I mean!? 

I feel I am ready to date now.

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes true. 

Waiting for this guy to make a move actually made me WANT to date! Not him but in general!

I went on coffee dates with guys before but I was always afraid and wanted to come back home to my comfort zone, and now I want to date!! I want to go out with someone! To have fun!

I feel like this guy because he wasn’t giving me that, opened me to truly want that, if you know what I mean!? 

I feel I am ready to date now.

It sounds like you felt "safe" with him (emotionally) because he was not making any moves.  It felt safer for you to make all the moves, that way you were in control just like cleverusername said earlier.

Dating can be scary and can knock you 'right off your feet' especially when you meet a man you really like.   But try to stay grounded, you control the pace.

You can still do that and be in your feminine energy, again it's finding that right balance.

I think I said this earlier but I am very feminine energy, but that does not mean I can't initiate and plan, because I do. 

And a man can be masculine energy and still at times be passive and sensitive and allow a woman to lead.

These arbitrary roles, masculine and feminine, jmo but there is too much value placed on them and what they mean.

I don't think they're meant that way.  Masculine/feminine is about our energy, our essence and it comes from within not from acting out a particular role, like who does what, and when.

Learn who you are, whatever that is, become comfortable in your own skin.  That's your energy and when it's good and positive, above anything else will draw men to you like bees to honey. 

I think good positive energy even trumps looks, I know it does for me as it pertains to men.

Good luck!

Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It sounds like you felt "safe" with him (emotionally) because he was not making any moves.  It felt safer for you to make all the moves, that way you were in control just like cleverusername said earlier.

Dating can be scary and can knock you 'right off your feet' especially when you meet a man you really like.   But try to stay grounded, you control the pace.

You can still do that and be in your feminine energy, again it's finding that right balance.

I think I said this earlier but I am very feminine energy, but that does not mean I can't initiate and plan, because I do. 

And a man can be masculine energy and still at times be passive and sensitive and allow a woman to lead.

These arbitrary roles, masculine and feminine, jmo but there is too much value placed on them and what they mean.

I don't think they're meant that way.  Masculine/feminine is about our energy, our essence and it comes from within not from acting out a particular role, like who does what, and when.

Learn who you are, whatever that is, become comfortable in your own skin.  That's your energy and above anything else will draw men to you like bees to honey. 

 

Yes I get that about feeling safer and in control, but the funny thing is it also felt awkward and unwanted. 

I realised I do not want to be in control. I wanted him to do that. Maybe I am overcoming that pattern finally.

And to be honest to me is not even about feminine and masculine energies, is about both making an effort. He wasn’t making any so I felt this was one sided and frustrated.

My true self is funny, carefree, I don’t take life too seriously. That’s who my friends and family see, not my dates. I have to let my true me come out again.

Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

My true self is funny, carefree, I don’t take life too seriously. That’s who my friends and family see, not my dates. I have to let my true me come out again.

I think it's normal to have different personalities when we're with our friends/family vs. being with a man/date/bf. We can be totally authentic and vulnerable with our family in a way we may never be with a man/date/bf. 

My family sees me as quiet, reserved, kind. When I was out on dates with men I was flirty, playful, confident, bold, my family knows nothing of that side of  me lol. If they knew all the sex I had while single they'd be burning lanterns at Church 😉

 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Maybe I have that black and white thinking because I only meet guys that are those two extremes.

I want a man who is in the middle, balanced. Who I can feel comfortable with.

One thing I would encourage you to look into is that you have black and white thinking because you are filtering everything you encounter (in a dating sense, let's say) through the filter of your belief system, which is currently flawed and biased.  I would encourage you to work on the belief system you use..  Try to get yourself to neutral at the very least.

 I think you don't trust so then you are trying way too hard to control things, overvalue what you've already invested in.  Your ex made you less anxious because he gave you assurances two dates in (that might be out of the norm for other guys).  He rushed in and it worked because it made you feel safe.  You have to get a little more comfortable with the uncertainty of it all.  

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

One thing I would encourage you to look into is that you have black and white thinking because you are filtering everything you encounter (in a dating sense, let's say) through the filter of your belief system, which is currently flawed and biased.  I would encourage you to work on the belief system you use..  Try to get yourself to neutral at the very least.

 I think you don't trust so then you are trying way too hard to control things, overvalue what you've already invested in.  Your ex made you less anxious because he gave you assurances two dates in (that might be out of the norm for other guys).  He rushed in and it worked because it made you feel safe.  You have to get a little more comfortable with the uncertainty of it all.  

Yes my ex made me feel safe but I also found it too much too soon at the same time.

I need go get comfortable with the uncertainty of it all yes. Basically I need to feel safe with myself when dating, knowing I will never lose myself again for any man.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Versacehottie said:

One thing I would encourage you to look into is that you have black and white thinking because you are filtering everything you encounter uncertainty of it all.  

Emilyinroses: There is a thing called the art of *letting go*. I suggest the book The Buddhist in the mirror. You meet a man, you like him, let go of the outcome, you cannot control it anyway, like we say throw it in the Universe and let it unfold as it's meant to unfold. This guy here was not the leader you were looking for so you don't try to control it, you continue your search and if he calls then good, if not you're already on your way to meet someone else. 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My family sees me as quiet, reserved, kind. When I was out on dates with men I was flirty, playful, confident, bold, my family knows nothing of that side of  me lol. If they knew all the sex I had while single they'd be burning lanterns at Church 😉

😂 😂 😂 

It's sooooo good to see you laughing and being funny again!  

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Emilyinroses: There is a thing called the art of *letting go*. I suggest the book The Buddhist in the mirror. You meet a man, you like him, let go of the outcome, you cannot control it anyway, like we say throw it in the Universe and let it unfold as it's meant to unfold. This guy here was not the leader you were looking for so you don't try to control it, you continue your search and if he calls then good, if not you're already on your way to meet someone else. 

Thank you, will look into it. I am reading ‘Attached’, which talks about attachment styles.

Yes I am very focused on the outcome, I need to know what they want, how they feel, etc. That is my fear of getting hurt. But that also prevents me from being in the moment and having fun. I do have to trust the Universe.

With this guy I had to do something because I didn’t want to continue with the texting and phone calls and him doing nothing. It didn’t feel good anymore. 

I guess that feeling good is all I need to know.

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My family sees me as quiet, reserved, kind. When I was out on dates with men I was flirty, playful, confident, bold, my family knows nothing of that side of  me lol. If they knew all the sex I had while single they'd be burning lanterns at Church 😉

 

Ahahahah! That’s hilarious! That reminded me of how I used to be before I got married, I would have sex with a guy I was attracted to in an instant and couldn’t care less about outcomes and what they want!

In fact that’s how I met my ex husband!

Now I haven’t had sex in ages because I am so guarded now. Maybe I need to go back a bit to how I used to be! 

Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses