Versacehottie Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: Nothing wrong with being less interested after the first meeting. I just don't like to drag things further if that's the case. Just tell me you are not that interested and we move on. But don't call me every day and text if you are not interested, not planning to meet up again, and sending mixed signals and waste my time. This time it wasn't my anxiety that driven me asking him, I was just seriously fed up. Bolded are how you would do things. He might not do things the same. You can't only use your filter of the way things "should" be done and demand that others do exactly the same. Theres' a lot of foot stomping in the tone above. And you say you "just wanted to know" so you don't waste your time, well you are the one wasting your own time. Just a day ago you said you were going to sit back and see what he did. No answer IS an answer. So is slow. You want to pry answers out of people,--well that in itself will align with the type of person they see themselves with. For someone who just wanted an answer and didn't much care what it was, you sound pretty pissed off. If you think that attitude hasn't been rumbling throughout the course of your interaction with him and somewhat detectable and importantly, INFLUENCING, the outcome, you're wrong. It has. And I stand by the anxiety influencing things--it's in this response, this thread and wildly swinging from strategy to strategy as well as hanging on, when the simple answer could be "we aren't compatible" (back then, after the date, at any point really). And then fade away. If you don't care about dating him, there is no reason to want or expect a response. No response IS a response. He didn't waste your time, you did that to yourself. Take ownership of how you live your life, it will relieve some of the anxiety and stop the behind the scenes manipulations. sorry. 3
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Bolded are how you would do things. He might not do things the same. You can't only use your filter of the way things "should" be done and demand that others do exactly the same. Theres' a lot of foot stomping in the tone above. And you say you "just wanted to know" so you don't waste your time, well you are the one wasting your own time. Just a day ago you said you were going to sit back and see what he did. No answer IS an answer. So is slow. You want to pry answers out of people,--well that in itself will align with the type of person they see themselves with. For someone who just wanted an answer and didn't much care what it was, you sound pretty pissed off. If you think that attitude hasn't been rumbling throughout the course of your interaction with him and somewhat detectable and importantly, INFLUENCING, the outcome, you're wrong. It has. And I stand by the anxiety influencing things--it's in this response, this thread and wildly swinging from strategy to strategy as well as hanging on, when the simple answer could be "we aren't compatible" (back then, after the date, at any point really). And then fade away. If you don't care about dating him, there is no reason to want or expect a response. No response IS a response. He didn't waste your time, you did that to yourself. Take ownership of how you live your life, it will relieve some of the anxiety and stop the behind the scenes manipulations. sorry. Sorry I agree to disagree. If I tell someone I enjoyed meeting you and want to do it again, I mean it. I don't just vomit words to please others. And if someone says that to me, I take it as true and expect them to act on it. If they don't, yes they are wasting my time by continuing to text me and call me. Everyone has the right to change their mind after a date, but in that case, don't continue to text me and call me every day. You are right, we are not compatible, and to be honest I don't really care if my attitude influenced the outcome. To me, his non action attitude influenced the outcome. The only thing in all of this is, I should have ended things right when we were talking on the App for several days and he didn't even ask me for my number. What came next was just same as that. I bet he was interested and was just sitting down waiting for me to ask him out again, and was shocked with me asking him directly what's going on. Sorry but I don't enable this kinf of behaviour. To me it's simple: you say you are interested? Ask me out. If you don't, I'm out. But yes next time I'll be out without even asking him anything. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 ohhhhhh Emilyinroses: This is online dating. You're driving this with a lot of integrity and it's honorable but maybe only 20% of the men you meet on there will give you the courtesy of the same integrity. Most people will simply ghost you, lower their level of interest, drag things and will never tell you the truth, they'll keep you on the hook with crumbs here and there until you get a clue and even when you confront them they will deny and justify themselves with more lies. If you confront every bozzo that don't return your attention you will exhaust yourself, become bitter, and unattractive to the following daters you'll meet. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: ohhhhhh Emilyinroses: This is online dating. You're driving this with a lot of integrity and it's honorable but maybe only 20% of the men you meet on there will give you the courtesy of the same integrity. Most people will simply ghost you, lower their level of interest, drag things and will never tell you the truth, they'll keep you on the hook with crumbs here and there until you get a clue and even when you confront them they will deny and justify themselves with more lies. If you confront every bozzo that don't return your attention you will exhaust yourself, become bitter, and unattractive to the following daters you'll meet. Well I know that and I do not confront every bozzo. Many have been wishy washy and I just deleted and moved on without asking anything. I'm not like this with all guys (asking directly). I was like this with this guy because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and know that's going on. When I confronted him, I got my answer. That won't make me bitter and unattractive, in fact it will make me more experient. I do have integrity and that's how I am. I just need to find a man who has it too. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 When you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt the man has to have done something of substance to impress you first. This guy, this man of 40 years old did nothing but talk, he's never offered you anything of substance to deserve your benefit of the doubt. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt the man has to have done something of substance to impress you first. This guy, this man of 40 years old did nothing but talk, he's never offered you anything of substance to deserve your benefit of the doubt. You are absolutely right. Lesson learned.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 He did reply after all, saying that to him is not about not being interested, but that sometimes people don't have the time to meet or don't have the conditions to do so... I just told him that if that is the case I understand, but that it would be good to communicate that. After all, he said he wanted to meet again. His response was just ok. I am now deleting his number and moving on, because this guy is clearly not interested and doesn't want anything serious and is very short of being respectful. Thank you for your help in here, much appreciated. 1
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Emilyinroses I don't remember if you've mentioned it in this thread but are you much younger than this man?
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: When you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt the man has to have done something of substance to impress you first. This guy, this man of 40 years old did nothing but talk, he's never offered you anything of substance to deserve your benefit of the doubt. I agree with you. Never doubt your gut feelings regarding someone ... ( give the benefit of the doubt), especially when they’ve done nothing to deserve it. For real your gut feeling is the strongest thing you have. Reason and other people’s opinion can be great in some circumstances, but it separates you from emotion and your instinct, which is beneficial in matters of the heart. Trust yourself I did this recently with a acquaintance. I felt something was ‘off’ , but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Turns out I was right. She is not my friend at all Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Calmandfocused Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Wow! This unemployed, unenthusiastic, unassertive one date flaker has achieved 14 pages of debate. Lucky him! Emily I cannot fathom for the life of me why you’d be giving this man so much of your thoughts and your anguish. What exactly is so special about this man? The fact that he sends lots of texts because he’s out of work and bored? .... Nope, not seeing the appeal I’m afraid. I, and many other posters told you 12 pages ago that you’re flogging a dead horse with this guy. I’ve not changed my opinion on that. He’s lazy! Lazy in love, work, the whole shebang! Very unattractive in my opinion. 3
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said: Wow! This unemployed, unenthusiastic, unassertive one date flaker has achieved 14 pages of debate. Lucky him! Emily I cannot fathom for the life of me why you’d be giving this man so much of your thoughts and your anguish He's probably hot 2
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Emilyinroses I don't remember if you've mentioned it in this thread but are you much younger than this man? I am only 2 years younger than him. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He's probably hot There are far hotter guys than him.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Wow! This unemployed, unenthusiastic, unassertive one date flaker has achieved 14 pages of debate. Lucky him! Emily I cannot fathom for the life of me why you’d be giving this man so much of your thoughts and your anguish. What exactly is so special about this man? The fact that he sends lots of texts because he’s out of work and bored? .... Nope, not seeing the appeal I’m afraid. I, and many other posters told you 12 pages ago that you’re flogging a dead horse with this guy. I’ve not changed my opinion on that. He’s lazy! Lazy in love, work, the whole shebang! Very unattractive in my opinion. I enjoyed our conversations in the beginning, that's all. It was flowing and it was interesting. Then I started seeing how he truly is.
Calmandfocused Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said: I am only 2 years younger than him. You’re 38 years old and desperately attracted to a 40 year old bum whose not even that hot? Jeez girl! Time to set some higher standards for yourself. 3 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 Just now, Calmandfocused said: You’re 38 years old and desperately attracted to a 40 year old bum whose not even that hot? Jeez girl! Time to set some higher standards for yourself. I didn't know in the beginning how he was exactly. Now I know.
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 @Emilyinroses Do you have a lot of experience with dating?
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @Emilyinroses Do you have a lot of experience with dating? I was married for 15 years (that ended years ago), then I dated a few guys and had a very bad experience nearly 2 years ago with a guy and I guess my anxiety in dating started there. I used to have fun and now I am very conscious and affraid. After that relationship ended I met some guys online and went for coffee dates but never felt much of a connection with anyone. I think this guy now is the first guy I did feel a connection with. Dont ask me why. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) Emily, you have to work on your dating anxiety and let your walls down a bit more ASAP because I think in most situations ( and I was just lucky this never happened) is that a lot of good guys will lose interest because they will see you as emotionally cold or mistrustful or that you’re just not as fun to be around and the wrong guys and really wrong guys ( like with narcissistic tendencies)will see the weakness and understand it and know how to find a chink in their armor, so it will keep happening and snowball my 1st ex made me afraid at first because of what he told me and tried to manipulate me with when I was inexperienced .. basically so I wouldn’t leave him. It only took one good experience for me to shake it off and realize he was wrong Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
poppyfields Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I didn't know in the beginning how he was exactly. Now I know. That's simply not true, you knew three weeks ago how he was which is why you started this thread. Your original post read: >>My only concern is that he hasn’t made any move. He hasn’t asked for my number to get out of the dating App, didn’t mention for us to meet (we are on lockdown now but will soon be over), didn’t ask to talk on the phone, nothing.<< You spoke of wanting/needing a man with "masculine energy," a take charge, no nonsense type of man. Which very clearly this man was not, right from the get go. But instead of nexting him (which you should have done), to compensate, you initiated moving the chat from the dating app to whatsapp, you initiated meeting in person. In essence, like I posted earlier in the thread, you took charge, you picked up his slack. Now here we are three weeks and 14 pages later, and you're still posting about him! Meanwhile, the nice guy who called and took initiative (the type of man you said you LIKE), we hearing nothing about. Even when a few posters pushed you to talk about him (the nice guy who took initiative), no, you went right back to talking about this guy. Emily, I only mention these things because I think it's clear that what you claim you want in a man, is not what you actually like or become attracted to. Which is fine, not judging you for it, but OWN it. Own what actually intrigues you, what pulls you in. Because until you own that, you won't ever be able to change it. Your picker will always be slightly off kilter, pulling you towards men who are lazy, too beta, too passive who expect you (or any woman) to pick up their slack. Edited March 11, 2021 by poppyfields 3
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 16 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Emily, you have to work on your dating anxiety and let your walls down a bit more ASAP because I think in most situations ( and I was just lucky this never happened) is that a lot of good guys will lose interest because they will see you as emotionally cold or mistrustful or that you’re just not as fun to be around and the wrong guys and really wrong guys ( like with narcissistic tendencies)will see the weakness and understand it and know how to find a chink in their armor, so it will keep happening and snowball my 1st ex made me afraid at first because of what he told me and tried to manipulate me with when I was inexperienced .. basically so I wouldn’t leave him. It only took one good experience for me to shake it off and realize he was wrong I understand what you are saying, but this is not a weakness at all and I am not weak because I am anxious or prone to be manipulated by narcissists. Maybe 10 years ago but not now. Now I have my boundaries. But yes I get what you say about scaring away good guys.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: That's simply not true, you knew three weeks ago how he was which is why you started this thread. Your original post read: >>My only concern is that he hasn’t made any move. He hasn’t asked for my number to get out of the dating App, didn’t mention for us to meet (we are on lockdown now but will soon be over), didn’t ask to talk on the phone, nothing.<< You spoke of wanting/needing a man with "masculine energy," a take charge, no nonsense type of man. Which very clearly this man was not, right from the get go. To compensate, you initiated moving the chat from the dating app to whatsapp, you initiated meeting in person. In essence, like I posted earlier in the thread, you took charge, you picked up his slack. Now here we are three weeks and 14 pages later, and you're still posting about him! Meanwhile, the nice guy who called and took initiative (the type of man you said you LIKE), we hearing nothing about. Emily, I only mention these things because I think it's clear that what you claim you want in a man, is not what actually pulls you or the type of man you become attracted to. Which is fine, not judging you for it, but OWN it. Own what actually intrigues you, what pulls you in. Because until you own that, you won't ever be able to change it. Your picker will always be slightly off kilter, pulling you towards men who are lazy, too beta, too passive who expect you (or any woman) to pick up their slack. Yes I know what you mean. I should have ended conversation with him immediately after a few days when he wasn’t asking for my number. I did that with other guys. I felt something with him, that’s it. But my gut instinct was right. I do feel attracted to guys who take charge and lead, I have to focus on that. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I understand what you are saying, but this is not a weakness at all and I am not weak because I am anxious or prone to be manipulated by narcissists. Maybe 10 years ago but not now. Now I have my boundaries. But yes I get what you say about scaring away good guys. This is just what I’ve heard. I’ve read about on the boards and I can see how it could happen. I’m not an expert on it by any means or saying it’s the case for you. Just something to consider. Yes, when someone’s wall seems up it can chase away decent people because a lot of people want dating to be light hearted at the beginning , not riddled with expectations Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Alpacalia Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 She is still getting her feet wet. Nothing wrong with that! You enjoyed conversing with him and you had ONE date. I'm not sure what sort of things you spoke about with him initially but speaking regularly about deep topics I think for the most part, is a no-no. 1
poppyfields Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said: I do feel attracted to guys who take charge and lead, I have to focus on that. So what about the other man you said you were talking to and had a date to meet, the one who DID take charge? Are you attracted to him? Why are you not focusing on him? Even after we pushed you to talk about him, you didn't. Went right back to talking about Mr. Elusive, Mr. Mysterious who keeps you wondering and guessing. Something to think about at least. 2
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