Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 25 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That too! The extremes aren't good, in any facets of life. Too fast not good, too slow not good. You wait for the guy that does it just right My own doing. In any event, thanks for the update OP. Hope nothing but good things for you. 1
sushiandtacos Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 9 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: Hi guys. Just wanted to come here to say this as it might help others in the same situations as me in this thread. I talk yesterday with a relationship and life coach that focuses on dating and relationships and it was EYE OPENING! I told her about this guy and she basically asked me if I have this pattern of guys not acting like I would want them to and get frustrated and irritated and even asking directly why are they being like this or like that. She helped me understand the source of my frustration is an anxious attachment I have. I don't feel safe to be in a relationship or emotionally available myself. So my masculine energy comes up and I inititate things (like asking for his number and later if he wanted to meet), and I also get angry when they don't initiate. She advised me to just stay in my feminine energy and lean back, regardless of how the guy is and what he does. And to speak to and date several men, not just focus on one, until I am in a relationship. So basically match their energy. If they call me on the phone, I answer. If they ask me out, I accept (if I want to of course). If they do nothing, I do nothing and focus instead in my life and other guys. Just stay in my feminine energy and let the guys lead. No frustration or being angry or questioning, or whatever. And if a guy doesn't step up to the plate, another one more compatible will. Simple. I feel this was a wake up call I needed. I feel more relaxed now. I'll continue talking to this guy but lean back and match his energy. And talk to other guys as well and do the same. Wow thanks for sharing this! I think you and me are more similar than I thought haha. I think deep down I know this but sometimes it's actually hard to carry out this mindset when you are focused on one guy, then you place all your wants and expectations on that one person. It's always a beautiful reminder that my life is my own and no guy should bring unhappiness/anxiety by their actions. It's important to acknowledge that's how some guys are and rather than obsessing or wondering about them, know it's time to shift focus away from them! 2
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Wow thanks for sharing this! I think you and me are more similar than I thought haha. I think deep down I know this but sometimes it's actually hard to carry out this mindset when you are focused on one guy, then you place all your wants and expectations on that one person. It's always a beautiful reminder that my life is my own and no guy should bring unhappiness/anxiety by their actions. It's important to acknowledge that's how some guys are and rather than obsessing or wondering about them, know it's time to shift focus away from them! That is why dating several guys is a good idea (rotation), so we don’t obsess over one guy. Instead, we are having fun on a date with another one. And doing this until one stands out from the pack. Yes I think dating should be fun, not a cause of anxiety or unhappiness about one guy’s actions. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses 2
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 I don't know. I think if you're going to "multi-date" do so to find someone compatible. Not as a means to detach more from yourself or the other person. There's other things you can do like take up hobbies. 6
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: That is why dating several guys is a good idea (rotation), so we don’t obsess over one guy. Instead, we are having fun on a date with another one. And doing this until one stands out from the pack. Yes I think dating should be fun, not a cause of anxiety or unhappiness about one guy’s actions. If you keep believing this, you are going completely in the right direction...for your own happiness AND getting these goals. It's a 100 times more attractive to others to be this way, gives you clarity within the relationships and individual interactions with each guy and what the outcome will be. I would say keep it in the present/now and the end will take care of itself. I think as alpaca said you can do what you are saying above (which I highly recommend!) and look to find someone compatible... so i agree with alpaca there but they are not mutually exclusive goals so you can do BOTH. And IMO don't think a person who does this correctly is doing so to detach. (which I don't think is the OP's goal either). 2
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 49 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I think as alpaca said you can do what you are saying above (which I highly recommend!) and look to find someone compatible... so i agree with alpaca there but they are not mutually exclusive goals so you can do BOTH. And IMO don't think a person who does this correctly is doing so to detach. (which I don't think is the OP's goal either). I realize it's fairly common in today's day and age to multi-date. Hopefully OP will find someone compatible if that's her goal and have fun in the process. 2
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 10, 2021 Author Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Alpaca said: I don't know. I think if you're going to "multi-date" do so to find someone compatible. Not as a means to detach more from yourself or the other person. There's other things you can do like take up hobbies. My goal with multi dating is to find the right person! Not to detach from a specific guy! But yes multi dating keeps everything in perspective, as you do not focus on one person only. What I'm talking about has nothing to do with hobbies, and you can do both at the same time. In fact, you should have your own hobbies always, even in a relationship. Edited March 10, 2021 by Emilyinroses 2
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) Hi guys, this thread went so long that I felt like giving you an update about this guy. So the past few days he has been texting less and me responding to that. Two days ago he wanted to call me in the evening as usual but I told him I am tired and going to sleep so we talk tomorrow (this was true). So yesterday he barely texted me and in the evening just didn't call or text. Nothing. This morning he sent me a message saying he fell asleep. I Took the chance and told him that if he is not interested that's ok, just let me know. He asked why I am saying that, and then I told him that for several reasons, one being the fact after we met I told him I enjoyed it and wanted to meet again, he said he would like that too, but then up until now he mentioned zero about it, made no plans, nothing. To me that equals lack of interest. That is ok if that's the case, but it would be good to know. So, his response? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He left me on read. That to me is a total lack of interest yes, if he doesn't even want to communicate. I think now that he was waiting for me to inititate meeting again, or just wanted a penpal and was dragging me along. Total waste of time and I'm glad I decided to be honest. So I am going to just delete his number now and move on. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: .Two days ago he wanted to call me in the evening as usual but I told him I am tired and going to sleep so we talk tomorrow. Took the chance and told him that if he is not interested that's ok, just let me know. With respect, I don't really follow these games or preemptive strikes. If you are interested, chat and meet. Why blow guys off then wonder why they are pulling back? Why have "relationship talks" with loaded questions like that? Dating doesn't need to be this complicated. Especially since you state that you're dating around to avoid relationship complications. You seem utterly confused by these dating coaches. Frankly if you need to play games like "I'm too tired" or "tell me now if you're not interested", maybe you just need a break from dating altogether. Edited March 11, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: So the past few days he has been texting less and me responding to that. Two days ago he wanted to call me in the evening as usual but I told him I am tired and going to sleep so we talk tomorrow (this was true). So yesterday he barely texted me and in the evening just didn't call or text. Nothing. I'm glad you came to that realization. Seems the last 3 weeks of him chatting and initiating nothing wasn't enough for you to understand this guy only wants a penpal. Remember we're talking about a 40 year old here!! At that age a man has himself all figured out, it's not shyness, it's not being introvert, it's not being beta. It's about him only being interested in talking. Remember, don't be soooooo available at the beginning, give them space to show you what they're made of. 1
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Frankly if you need to play games like "I'm too tired" or "tell me now if you're not interested", maybe you just need a break from dating altogether. It was not a game. She has been available to him for the past 3+ weeks all day long on chat and every night on the phone but the man did not initiate a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. The man is 40 ! not 19. He knows how to properly date but dating isn't want he wants, he's a couple of months out of his last relationship he's only looking for attention. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: With respect, I don't really follow these games or preemptive strikes. If you are interested, chat and meet. Why blow guys off then wonder why they are pulling back? Why have "relationship talks" with loaded questions like that? Dating doesn't need to be this complicated. Especially since you state that you're dating around to avoid relationship complications. You seem utterly confused by these dating coaches. Frankly if you need to play games like "I'm too tired" or "tell me now if you're not interested", maybe you just need a break from dating altogether. I wasn’t playing games at all! I was really tired and wanted to sleep when I told him that. I have been open and communicative with him, and got nothing in return. I have every right to ask if he is interested or not as to not waste my time further. That is NOT a ‘relationship talk’. It’s merely stating his actions do not match his words so I need to know as not to waste my time. If more people were open and direct like this, there would be less dating issues. If a mature man can’t handle that, his loss. No I don’t need a break from dating because I am being assertive. I need a mature open and available guy. I also don’t understand how being wishy washy, actions not matching words, being superficial and not open, etc, like he was doing, is ‘normal’ and is dating, but being open, direct and assertive is wrong and I need a break from dating??? I think this type of guys are the ones who should take a break from dating! And next time this happens (hopefully not), I won’t be asking questions to him or here. It will be delete and next. Edited March 11, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 41 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I'm glad you came to that realization. Seems the last 3 weeks of him chatting and initiating nothing wasn't enough for you to understand this guy only wants a penpal. Remember we're talking about a 40 year old here!! At that age a man has himself all figured out, it's not shyness, it's not being introvert, it's not being beta. It's about him only being interested in talking. Remember, don't be soooooo available at the beginning, give them space to show you what they're made of. Noted. Lesson learned and moving on. Thank you! 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I need a mature open and available guy. Ok. Perhaps cut your losses sooner if they seem too lame or wishy-washy.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok. Perhaps cut your losses sooner if they seem too lame or wishy-washy. Yes that I agree with you. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 I am always about trying to understand the other and giving opportunities but that has to stop. As soon as I feel bad, I’m out from now on.
Versacehottie Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) Oh wow. Your anxiety and need to "DO" something is still driving everything. You've convinced yourself it's ok because it's cloaked in the "it's ok you can tell me if you're not interested" and/or that it's "direct communication". The point, which I agree with Wisemen, is it's a version of a relationship talk. It's exhausting to have things be heavy & need to "know" where you are with the other person all the time (for the other person! and for yourself really). You are swinging wildly between strategies but behind the scenes it's all just your anxiety/anxious attachment driving everything. The fact that you needed to go to sleep one night and correlating a slow down in communication the following day as something that warrants these sorts of proclamations is PART of the problem. I go back to the beginning that you should have never talked to him as much as you did, daily, day in and day out. It doesn't matter that there is the pandemic and that this is why you did it. It's over-investing, there is a presumption that it's more serious than it is and is a huge pressure to continue in that manner when the number of dates doesn't warrant it yet. I think so much so that it blindly you to the fact that on the date and thereafter he was lackluster about you. Typically when people talk too much before ever meeting, there is a letdown of some sort for one (or both) of the people. I 100% am sure that happened. I think he feels obligated now and is in actuality on the fence about you, which is why he didn't cut it off directly and why he didn't answer your status of the relationship text. Sure he could be wishy-washy, fine but it's not the only problem going on here.. And you have to admit to yourself at some point that the inputs from the way you do things will affect the outcome of this AS WELL. He's wishy washy and your anxious and reactive. (as well as expect things kind of to go down in a way that only makes sense to 'how you would do things" otherwise you presume non-interested). I think you should not visualize the "end" as a pre-determined thing on his end and that all you need is to force the answer out. You need to do be more conscious of the way you are putting your stamp on things as well as it will most certainly affect what a guy wants to do (move forward with you or not). You are kind of acting like the things you did had no bearing whatsoever on his lack of interest (i am saying they did). 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: She has been available to him for the past 3+ weeks all day long on chat and every night Mistake #1^^^^^ After the first date, he wasn't that into you as simple as that. That you frittered away a lot of time and emotional investment beforehand, doesn't mean the outcome will up the guarantee. In fact, it's usually the opposite. Let's call him wishy-washy and lazy and penpal-y and all that, nothing prevented him before the first date from texting, calling all the time during the pre-date time. So let's assume he's still that same wishy-washy, lazy, pen-pal-y guy, what's preventing him from doing the same contact that goes nowhere if that is and has been his intention all along? Nothing. He is less interested upon meeting. That's it. Edited March 11, 2021 by Versacehottie 2 1
Alpacalia Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) I think sometimes we make hasty decisions from time to time, and sometimes we don't make hasty enough decisions. However, if things aren't moving in a positive direction after a certain amount of time and you're starting to feel bad about yourself, that's probably the clearest indication that something isn't right. Edited March 11, 2021 by Alpaca 3
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 19 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Oh wow. Your anxiety and need to "DO" something is still driving everything. @Emilyinroses: Now I'm thinking of it didn't your dating coach tell you to not do anything? So you pay her money and you don't do what she says.....it's wasted money. 1
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 To me it's simple. The guy showed you with his inaction that he's luckywarm then show him with your inaction you're done. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 23 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Oh wow. Your anxiety and need to "DO" something is still driving everything. You've convinced yourself it's ok because it's cloaked in the "it's ok you can tell me if you're not interested" and/or that it's "direct communication". The point, which I agree with Wisemen, is it's a version of a relationship talk. It's exhausting to have things be heavy & need to "know" where you are with the other person all the time (for the other person! and for yourself really). You are swinging wildly between strategies but behind the scenes it's all just your anxiety/anxious attachment driving everything. The fact that you needed to go to sleep one night and correlating a slow down in communication the following day as something that warrants these sorts of proclamations is PART of the problem. I go back to the beginning that you should have never talked to him as much as you did, daily, day in and day out. It doesn't matter that there is the pandemic and that this is why you did it. It's over-investing, there is a presumption that it's more serious than it is and is a huge pressure to continue in that manner when the number of dates doesn't warrant it yet. I think so much so that it blindly you to the fact that on the date and thereafter he was lackluster about you. Typically when people talk too much before ever meeting, there is a letdown of some sort for one (or both) of the people. I 100% am sure that happened. I think he feels obligated now and is in actuality on the fence about you, which is why he didn't cut it off directly and why he didn't answer your status of the relationship text. Sure he could be wishy-washy, fine but it's not the only problem going on here.. And you have to admit to yourself at some point that the inputs from the way you do things will affect the outcome of this AS WELL. He's wishy washy and your anxious and reactive. (as well as expect things kind of to go down in a way that only makes sense to 'how you would do things" otherwise you presume non-interested). I think you should not visualize the "end" as a pre-determined thing on his end and that all you need is to force the answer out. You need to do be more conscious of the way you are putting your stamp on things as well as it will most certainly affect what a guy wants to do (move forward with you or not). You are kind of acting like the things you did had no bearing whatsoever on his lack of interest (i am saying they did). Mistake #1^^^^^ After the first date, he wasn't that into you as simple as that. That you frittered away a lot of time and emotional investment beforehand, doesn't mean the outcome will up the guarantee. In fact, it's usually the opposite. Let's call him wishy-washy and lazy and penpal-y and all that, nothing prevented him before the first date from texting, calling all the time during the pre-date time. So let's assume he's still that same wishy-washy, lazy, pen-pal-y guy, what's preventing him from doing the same contact that goes nowhere if that is and has been his intention all along? Nothing. He is less interested upon meeting. That's it. Nothing wrong with being less interested after the first meeting. I just don't like to drag things further if that's the case. Just tell me you are not that interested and we move on. But don't call me every day and text if you are not interested, not planning to meet up again, and sending mixed signals and waste my time. This time it wasn't my anxiety that driven me asking him, I was just seriously fed up.
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Just now, Emilyinroses said: and sending mixed signals and waste my time. You saw mixed signal....we didn't. It was clear like water, by his actions, that he was only interested in a penpal. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @Emilyinroses: Now I'm thinking of it didn't your dating coach tell you to not do anything? So you pay her money and you don't do what she says.....it's wasted money. She told me not to do anything from my anxiety. To take a step back and calm down when I am anxious. But she did tell me to act from a grounded place. That's what I did this time. Me asking him came not from anxiety, but because I was seriously fed up of his mixed signals and lukewarm behaviour. And I think it was the best thing I did.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: You saw mixed signal....we didn't. It was clear like water, by his actions, that he was only interested in a penpal. Yes you are right.
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