Author Emilyinroses Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 8 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: EXACTLY how I felt with the guy I talked about. It should feel good and be easy to see each other especially in the beginning. Yes. And I think that we feeling that way is in itself a huge sign and a red flag to not continue. Keep going with a man we already want him to be different is a very bad sign of things to come. Yesterday I read again what he has written in his dating profile and I got it. He says he basically wants someone to make him company in his walks, relaxing, when he is doing this or that, in a serious relationship. But not one single sentence about what he brings to the table. I guess he just wants a company for what he enjoys doing already and that’s it. That’s why he doesn’t ask me what i look for in a relationship, in a man, my previous relationships, etc. Nothing of that matters to him because he is focused on himself. Also, with all the texting and calling me everyday, he already has that company from me. So no need to make an effort, right!? I don’t want to continue things with him. 2
Alpacalia Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 23 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: I have to admit that unfortunately he is not. I want someone I can vibe with and is easy and effortless. Planning next date is easy and a no brainer for him. This with this guy just makes me feel bad. That's right. This is exactly what you said when you initially posted. You should go at your own speed, but if it makes you feel bad, don't do it. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) Hi guys. Just wanted to come here to say this as it might help others in the same situations as me in this thread. I talk yesterday with a relationship and life coach that focuses on dating and relationships and it was EYE OPENING! I told her about this guy and she basically asked me if I have this pattern of guys not acting like I would want them to and get frustrated and irritated and even asking directly why are they being like this or like that. She helped me understand the source of my frustration is an anxious attachment I have. I don't feel safe to be in a relationship or emotionally available myself. So my masculine energy comes up and I inititate things (like asking for his number and later if he wanted to meet), and I also get angry when they don't initiate. She advised me to just stay in my feminine energy and lean back, regardless of how the guy is and what he does. And to speak to and date several men, not just focus on one, until I am in a relationship. So basically match their energy. If they call me on the phone, I answer. If they ask me out, I accept (if I want to of course). If they do nothing, I do nothing and focus instead in my life and other guys. Just stay in my feminine energy and let the guys lead. No frustration or being angry or questioning, or whatever. And if a guy doesn't step up to the plate, another one more compatible will. Simple. I feel this was a wake up call I needed. I feel more relaxed now. I'll continue talking to this guy but lean back and match his energy. And talk to other guys as well and do the same. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses 3
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: I'll continue talking to this guy but lean back and match his energy. . How much do you really like this guy? Is he talking to and meeting others as well? The trouble with this dating coach is that you'll attract a lot of aggressive players by playing the indifferent game. Why? Because they may give you the chase this "coach", suggested you wait for, but then dump you once you have sex. Why not be real and be yourself rather than play these dating coach games? It's a lot of recycled "rules". The equivalent of this is the pickup artist. And that's precisely what you'll attract with this recycled hocus-pocus.. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How much do you really like this guy? Is he talking to and meeting others as well? The trouble with this dating coach is that you'll attract a lot of aggressive players by playing the indifferent game. Why? Because they may give you the chase this "coach", suggested you wait for, but then dump you once you have sex. Why not be real and be yourself rather than play these dating coach games? It's a lot of recycled "rules". The equivalent of this is the pickup artist. And that's precisely what you'll attract with this recycled hocus-pocus.. I like him yes. This is not about becoming someone I am not and not about games. It’s about relaxing and enjoying my life rather than being obsessed and frustrated because of a guy. And no I won’t attract players who chase until they have sex because I am not stupid. I can smell a rat from afar. 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: She helped me understand the source of my frustration is an anxious attachment I have. I don't feel safe to be in a relationship or emotionally available myself. So my masculine energy comes up and I inititate things (like asking for his number and later if he wanted to meet), and I also get angry when they don't initiate. She advised me to just stay in my feminine energy and lean back, regardless of how the guy is and what he does. And to speak to and date several men, not just focus on one, until I am in a relationship. Isn't it what we advised you? I was watching a video done by John Grey on masculine and feminine energy, like you said it was eye opening! But he also said nowadays men have more feminine energy and women have more masculine energy so if you are a woman and you want a man to initiate you have to completely erase your own masculine energy so he has no choice but to start using his. That's why from the beginning of your thread I told you to *put the phone down* do not initiate, don't pick up every call so this man has no choice but to pursue you. 3
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said: I like him yes. It's great that you now understand the role of feminine and masculine energy but you also have to recognize when a man isn't interested enough to take actions. I believe the man in this thread fall in the category of 'not interested enough' , or 'waste of time waiting for his ex'. 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's great that you now understand the role of feminine and masculine energy but you also have to recognize when a man isn't interested enough to take actions. I believe the man in this thread fall in the category of 'not interested enough' , or 'waste of time waiting for his ex'. That's the whole point of staying in my feminine amazing energy. It doesn't matter how the guys are or why. Only their actions matter. I respond to their actions (if I want to of course). So if a guy (like this one) isn't actively doing anything to meet me (only texting and calling), I also do nothing. I text back when he sends a text, talk on the phone when he calls and that's it. I show interest, I communicate, but I don't initiate anything to move things forward. And instead of focusing on this guy and why he is like this or like that and starting threads in here about him, I instead focus on me. In my life, in my work, in doing what I love everyday AND talk to more guys doing the same (staying in my feminine energy). Feminine energy isn't passive. It's more of I match your energy, so show me what you got. And I only do that whilst it's fun and I am interested. When I no longer am interested in a guy, I stop. Yes that's what you told me all along, put my phone down. Let me tell you how refreshing this is! I feel like all my anxiety is gone, and I am at peace with myself. And what truly matters is, if this guy (or any guy) doesn't step up, another will. And not in a chasing type of way, but just showing interest naturally. Life changing. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses 3
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Emilyinroses knowing your attachment style is good but if his previous relationship ended four months ago, it would be reasonable to conclude that he still has some attachment.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 Just now, Alpaca said: Emilyinroses knowing your attachment style is good but if his previous relationship ended four months ago, it would be reasonable to conclude that he still has some attachment. He probably does, but that has nothing to do with me. It's his issues. I am ready to date. If he is not, his loss.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I text back when he sends a text, talk on the phone when he calls and that's it.. I disagree with that. Each time you pick up the call or reply to the text you reward him because that's all this man want and you hand it to him on a silver platter. Stop rewarding him. Stop making yourself available at each call and text. This is YOUR time! your time is valuable and he's wasting it by using it with no end goal.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I disagree with that. Each time you pick up the call or reply to the text you reward him because that's all this man want and you hand it to him on a silver platter. Stop rewarding him. Stop making yourself available at each call and text. This is YOUR time! your time is valuable and he's wasting it by using it with no end goal. Actually I don't agree. I think meeting in person and spending time together is the ultimate "reward". I don't mind to text and talk on the phone. I think what he is expecting is for me to mention getting together again, and that "reward" no I am not going to give it to him anymore. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said: Actually I don't agree. I think meeting in person and spending time together is the ultimate "reward". Your reward is to meet in person. Not his. He has shown you now his reward is text/call. Has he done anything to show you his reward is meeting in person? Nope. Men have no problem going for what they want. This guy wants text/call.
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 7 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: Hi guys. Just wanted to come here to say this as it might help others in the same situations as me in this thread. I talk yesterday with a relationship and life coach that focuses on dating and relationships and it was EYE OPENING! I told her about this guy and she basically asked me if I have this pattern of guys not acting like I would want them to and get frustrated and irritated and even asking directly why are they being like this or like that. She helped me understand the source of my frustration is an anxious attachment I have. I don't feel safe to be in a relationship or emotionally available myself. So my masculine energy comes up and I inititate things (like asking for his number and later if he wanted to meet), and I also get angry when they don't initiate. She advised me to just stay in my feminine energy and lean back, regardless of how the guy is and what he does. And to speak to and date several men, not just focus on one, until I am in a relationship. So basically match their energy. If they call me on the phone, I answer. If they ask me out, I accept (if I want to of course). If they do nothing, I do nothing and focus instead in my life and other guys. Just stay in my feminine energy and let the guys lead. No frustration or being angry or questioning, or whatever. And if a guy doesn't step up to the plate, another one more compatible will. Simple. I feel this was a wake up call I needed. I feel more relaxed now. I'll continue talking to this guy but lean back and match his energy. And talk to other guys as well and do the same. I'm glad you met with her. This ^^^ is basically what I've been trying to tell you & that you bring that belief system ONTO the dates with you. It will color every interaction because it's the "software" running in your head. I could tell this is what was going on. I don't know if based on where you are with this particular guy if you should continue talking to him or not. Not really sure of his interest level (which is one of the dangers in playing it the way you did---whether or not you are fully cognizant of your anxious attachment style) after the first date. I do think it's great if you start all dating from now on with this in mind and this sort of clean slate. I think it's a bit more involved than the simple (reactive) solutions she gave but that is a great start! I think if you keep seeing her you will get to the root of it and get more tools so you are in a "waiting or reactive" state only and can proactively make your life & dating decisions. I'm actually pretty sure that will alleviate your anxiety the most. good luck 4
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Your reward is to meet in person. Not his. He has shown you now his reward is text/call. Has he done anything to show you his reward is meeting in person? Nope. Men have no problem going for what they want. This guy wants text/call. Oh ok sorry I didn't understand what you meant. Yes that is my reward, you are right. Yes this guy wants tex and call for whatever reason it is that I don't understand. Although I do feel he wants to meet in person too, he just wants me to initiate. When I asked him if he wants to meet in person the first time, he said "I was waiting for you to do it first, but eventually I would do it". So now if he wants to he can eventually do it. I am going to give him a deadline of 2 weeks, if he does nothing, I'm off. And in the meantime, talk to other guys too. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I'm glad you met with her. This ^^^ is basically what I've been trying to tell you & that you bring that belief system ONTO the dates with you. It will color every interaction because it's the "software" running in your head. I could tell this is what was going on. I don't know if based on where you are with this particular guy if you should continue talking to him or not. Not really sure of his interest level (which is one of the dangers in playing it the way you did---whether or not you are fully cognizant of your anxious attachment style) after the first date. I do think it's great if you start all dating from now on with this in mind and this sort of clean slate. I think it's a bit more involved than the simple (reactive) solutions she gave but that is a great start! I think if you keep seeing her you will get to the root of it and get more tools so you are in a "waiting or reactive" state only and can proactively make your life & dating decisions. I'm actually pretty sure that will alleviate your anxiety the most. good luck Thank you. She did mention that too. Because I was so anxious she told me to back off completely. And that calmed my anxiety down instantly. But moving forward is all about stepping into a secure attachment instead and "installing a new software" of acting and doing things. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses 1
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: Oh ok sorry I didn't understand what you meant. Yes that is my reward, you are right. Yes this guy wants tex and call for whatever reason it is that I don't understand. Although I do feel he wants to meet in person too, he just wants me to initiate. When I asked him if he wants to meet in person the first time, he said "I was waiting for you to do it first, but eventually I would do it". So now if he wants to he can eventually do it. I am going to give him a deadline of 2 weeks, if he does nothing, I'm off. And in the meantime, talk to other guys too. Ok, be careful of trying to use this new "strategy" as a manipulative tool or with arbitrary dates/timeframes. Like you really need it in your belief system. And reflected in your TRUE self-esteem. Once you have it, you might be less suspicious of "rats" and such things. There should be an inner peace that life is experiences and you will survive and thrive no matter what. And that none of this dating is that "threatening" or risky and at same time you would cover your bases so you don't waste time and get to your ultimate goal (from a logistical sense). 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Ok, be careful of trying to use this new "strategy" as a manipulative tool or with arbitrary dates/timeframes. Like you really need it in your belief system. And reflected in your TRUE self-esteem. Once you have it, you might be less suspicious of "rats" and such things. There should be an inner peace that life is experiences and you will survive and thrive no matter what. And that none of this dating is that "threatening" or risky and at same time you would cover your bases so you don't waste time and get to your ultimate goal (from a logistical sense). Yes I get that. It's a work in progress. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 28 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: He probably does, but that has nothing to do with me. It's his issues. I am ready to date. If he is not, his loss. Okay. I just don't want to see you inadvertently become a rebound. So, I'm happy to hear you are dating others and not talking to him as much as you were initially.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 1 minute ago, Alpaca said: Okay. I just don't want to see you inadvertently become a rebound. So, I'm happy to hear you are dating others and not talking to him as much as you were initially. The best way to see that's going on is doing nothing and leaning back. And if we got to the point of something happening between us, I would like to know about his previous relationship more and why it ended, before anything happens. Yes I am dating others too. Edited March 9, 2021 by Emilyinroses
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 20 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: I am going to give him a deadline of 2 weeks, if he does nothing, I'm off. And in the meantime, talk to other guys too. On my part I think it's good you give yourself a deadline. In the past I played cool & laid back, don't stress, just let it unfold and the guy kept me on text 4 months!! and he met me 2-3 times only. There is a limit at playing cool.
Author Emilyinroses Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: On my part I think it's good you give yourself a deadline. In the past I played cool & laid back, don't stress, just let it unfold and the guy kept me on text 4 months!! and he met me 2-3 times only. There is a limit at playing cool. OMG 4 months! No way! In 4 months I think I already found other more interesting men that take charge.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 @Emilyinroses: I had less experience with dating back then. I viewed the man as a 'good guy' a little shy and he just needed time to see what an amazing partner I could be.....(laughing at myself now)
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: @Emilyinroses: I had less experience with dating back then. I viewed the man as a 'good guy' a little shy and he just needed time to see what an amazing partner I could be.....(laughing at myself now) See, I've had the opposite experience. The ones that came in fast turned out to be wienies.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Just now, Alpaca said: See, I've had the opposite experience. The ones that came in fast turned out to be wienies. That too! The extremes aren't good, in any facets of life. Too fast not good, too slow not good. You wait for the guy that does it just right 2
Recommended Posts