This guy is really nice but is he just slow?

[SaraSays]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He still contacts me every day, messages good morning, sends messages throughout the day and calls me in the evening.

But the messages are less than before. And I don’t see an effort to get to know me more. I talk and share a lot more than him and am getting fed up.

Also, no mention to plan a day and time to meet again. 

I am talking to another guy who is being a lot more proactive and the difference between them is huge. 

I like things to progress and this guy although I like him, is just boring me with being aloof.

 

It feels like you're catastrophising again, and the devil makes work for idle hands. You're back to comparing autonomous, individual men, which is a strategy that will only ever encourage your tendency towards black-and-white thinking.

By anyone's measure, it's lovely that he calls you in the evenings, regardless of whether you 2 go on to have a relationship, or not.

Since you mention only him sending messages, and him calling, what have you been doing to try to grow the connection?

You met on Thur. It's not yet the point to worry that no further meeting has been setup, mindful of COVID.

Did you suggest a video call, like I mentioned earlier, whereby you could both watch a show together, or listen to music you could each choose and chat about, or cook the same thing, or simply have a drink together, safely?

[Miss Spider]

Glad you’re focusing on others for now.
 

It’s already been said too many times, but I’ll say it again. Don’t ignore flags/your ‘intuition’/‘gut’ feelings. 

This, from the beginning, is not how an normal man who interested in dating a woman acts. 
It’s how someone extremely bored and mildly interested acts. 
 

If that’s what you want, that’s cool. But I don’t think it is. Don’t waste your time with ppl like this. 
 

Men know how to act when they’re interested. The whole “he may just be unsure of you feel” might apply to strangers , friends, etc . Not someone you matched on a dating app. 

 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure what you're expecting at this juncture.

You've been communicating consistently, had your first date, what, three days ago? 

You keep saying you prefer men that are more proactive. How much more proactive do you prefer a man to be at this stage?

 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You keep saying you prefer men that are more proactive. How much more proactive do you prefer a man to be at this stage?

She wanted him to lead and he never did. She ended up being the one escalating communication 3 times. Now she's fed up. It's normal when you force yourself in a dating pattern you don't enjoy. She wants him to mention meeting again, make plans ahead of time, suggesting ideas, like any man looking forward to seeing you again. 

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She wanted him to lead and he never did. She ended up being the one escalating communication 3 times. Now she's fed up. It's normal when you force yourself in a dating pattern you don't enjoy. She wants him to mention meeting again, make plans ahead of time, suggesting ideas, like any man looking forward to seeing you again. 

Agree. Plus a huge drop in communication is thing in and of itself. 

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She wanted him to lead and he never did. She ended up being the one escalating communication 3 times. Now she's fed up. It's normal when you force yourself in a dating pattern you don't enjoy. She wants him to mention meeting again, make plans ahead of time, suggesting ideas, like any man looking forward to seeing you again. 

Yes that's it. Even yesterday on the phone we were saying that next week is gonna be sunny and he mentioned zero about meeting again for another walk. It would have been a great opportunity to say "yes it's sunny next week, shall we go for another walk?"

I didn't say anything either because it feels is always me. It was me asking to exchange numbers and talk outside the dating App, it was me asking if he wants to meet in person. I'm fed up. I have been leaning back so he makes a move, and nothing.

So yes I am fed up and I even feel a bit ashamed of annoying you guys in here about this since it's clear is not going anywhere.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

27 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure what you're expecting at this juncture.

You've been communicating consistently, had your first date, what, three days ago? 

You keep saying you prefer men that are more proactive. How much more proactive do you prefer a man to be at this stage?

 

As proactive as I have been. He has to meet me half way at least, which he is not doing.

[sushiandtacos]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She wanted him to lead and he never did. She ended up being the one escalating communication 3 times. Now she's fed up. It's normal when you force yourself in a dating pattern you don't enjoy. She wants him to mention meeting again, make plans ahead of time, suggesting ideas, like any man looking forward to seeing you again. 

I felt so many familiarities with the OP (shared earlier in this thread) with the last guy where I felt like I initiated many things. I think it was a good learning experience for me because now I know for sure that I want a guy who initiates and expresses strong interest especially in the beginning. While I didn't mind initiating with him, I didn't feel comfortable like how you described with this type of dating pattern where I did most of the work. Hopefully this guy steps up to the plate OP but he sounds like he might be lazy with dating like how this other guy was. 

[SaraSays]

2 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

As proactive as I have been. He has to meet me half way at least, which he is not doing.

Black-and-white thinking. You do everything right, and he does everything wrong. You're an angel, and he's a devil. A man phoning you daily, and sending messages back and forth, is putting in effort. No amount of effort on anyone's part is an indication of future relationship prospects, but it's important to recognise other people's contribution to things, and not just elevate ourselves to superstar status.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

So yes I am fed up and I even feel a bit ashamed of annoying you guys in here about this since it's clear is not going anywhere.

Oh dear! don't worry about that. We've been there and done the same and worse lol. That's why we know best now

 

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, SaraSays said:

Black-and-white thinking. You do everything right, and he does everything wrong. You're an angel, and he's a devil. A man phoning you daily, and sending messages back and forth, is putting in effort. No amount of effort on anyone's part is an indication of future relationship prospects, but it's important to recognise other people's contribution to things, and not just elevate ourselves to superstar status.

I never said I was right and I am an angel and he is wrong!

Yes he is messaging daily. Yes he calls me on the phone. But to me it's about spending time together in person.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She wanted him to lead and he never did. She ended up being the one escalating communication 3 times. Now she's fed up. It's normal when you force yourself in a dating pattern you don't enjoy. She wants him to mention meeting again, make plans ahead of time, suggesting ideas, like any man looking forward to seeing you again. 

Correct. But he doesn't seem to be fulfilling that role for her.

[Miss Spider]

Sry, but no that’s not really effort.. There were times I used to send messages to like 10 guys a day off and on. Even if I wouldn’t get dressed up to see them, wasn’t that interested, but liked the chat. Just like I do on here, I shoot out tons of words every minute and it takes next to no effort at all. I think you’re underestimating how bored this guy might be. When you don’t have a job, you have all the time in the world to chat. But then if you really find one that you like, they are showing they like you back, you’ve met them, you really can’t wait to see that person again.I don’t know where you guys are from, but when the chemistry is there like supposedly the it was here, you’re talking about seeing each other again on the first date 

 

but OP is gonna do what they want to. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Emilyinroses]

52 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

It feels like you're catastrophising again, and the devil makes work for idle hands. You're back to comparing autonomous, individual men, which is a strategy that will only ever encourage your tendency towards black-and-white thinking.

By anyone's measure, it's lovely that he calls you in the evenings, regardless of whether you 2 go on to have a relationship, or not.

Since you mention only him sending messages, and him calling, what have you been doing to try to grow the connection?

You met on Thur. It's not yet the point to worry that no further meeting has been setup, mindful of COVID.

Did you suggest a video call, like I mentioned earlier, whereby you could both watch a show together, or listen to music you could each choose and chat about, or cook the same thing, or simply have a drink together, safely?

I don’t want video calls and that stuff. We met in person and mentioned to do it again. So that’s what makes sense.

[SaraSays]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I never said I was right and I am an angel and he is wrong!

Yes he is messaging daily. Yes he calls me on the phone. But to me it's about spending time together in person.

You are representing him unfairly above, if all what you've typed thus far here is true. He has put in effort, yet you're claiming he hasn't. That's not accurate. This doesn't have to lead to anything at all between  you 2, but it seems unkind to misrepresent him, when he hasn't done anything mean-spirited to you, per your posts. He's simply different to you. Whilst you can decide someone is not a good fit for any reason at all, it seems unnecessary to misrepresent what has unfolded (again, just basing this on your posts, that he hasn't done anything cruel to you).

Have you conveyed to him that you don't value messages and phonecalls, that you only value meeting in person?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

but when the chemistry is there like supposedly the it was here, you’re talking about seeing each other again on the first date 

Yes. However, hormones is typically what drives attraction initially.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

You are representing him unfairly above, if all what you've typed thus far here is true. He has put in effort, yet you're claiming he hasn't. That's not accurate. This doesn't have to lead to anything at all between  you 2, but it seems unkind to misrepresent him, when he hasn't done anything mean-spirited to you, per your posts. He's simply different to you. Whilst you can decide someone is not a good fit for any reason at all, it seems unnecessary to misrepresent what has unfolded (again, just basing this on your posts, that he hasn't done anything cruel to you).

Have you conveyed to him that you don't value messages and phonecalls, that you only value meeting in person?

I am only sharing how I feel about this dynamic that’s it.

To me text messages and phone calls are not effort. Planning to see each other and meeting is.

If it’s not me making a move, we’ll stay like this forever.

Messages and calls are fine, but to me in person interaction is what matters. Sorry I don’t think I have to explain that to a grown up man who (should be) emotionally available.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Miss Spider]

Emily, what about other the guy(s) you’re talking to. How is that going  ?

Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes. However, hormones is typically what drives attraction initially.

Not just hormones. You can just feel comfortable with the person and had a good time and so want to see them again.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea perhaps he’s not that attracted to her, but I don’t jump to that conclusion. Could be anything but it’s not high interest 

Yes it’s not, from his side. So the question is what’s the point in talking to a guy every day that is not excited to see me again and doesn’t plan a date!?

Edited March 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[SaraSays]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am only sharing how I feel about this dynamic that’s it.

To me text messages and phone calls are not effort. Planning to see each other and meeting is.

If it’s not me making a move, we’ll stay like this forever.

Messages and calls are fine, but to me in person interaction is what matters. Sorry I don’t think I have to explain that to a grown up man who (should be) emotionally available.

Then is it fair to assume you didn't convey that to him, mindful it's your perspective, and fair for you to have  it, but only your perspective?

That means you're working from assumptions, which seems counter-intuitive to you seeking something serious, where you're going to have to find balance between another person's views and thoughts and your own (like all of us) by talking.

Did you ever have a conversation about how concerned he is about COVID, and how much it has changed his day-to-day life?

I think a lot of people wouldn't meet at all right now. Someone approached me on the street yesterday to chat me up when I was out walking, and I was very conscious of doing the dance to keep them far away from me each time they moved closer.

[Alpacalia]

That is something I am unaware of, Shortskirtslonglashes (which I think you since edited). That is, just because a man wants to see a woman right after the first date doesn't mean he is motivated for the best of reasons.

Returning to Emilyinroses, I believe she should be less hurried, particularly given the OP's past. I think it's good Emilyinroses that you're conscious that he's not interested in learning more about you, at least not at this stage. All things to consider.

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

Then is it fair to assume you didn't convey that to him, mindful it's your perspective, and fair for you to have  it, but only your perspective?

That means you're working from assumptions, which seems counter-intuitive to you seeking something serious, where you're going to have to find balance between another person's views and thoughts and your own (like all of us) by talking.

Did you ever have a conversation about how concerned he is about COVID, and how much it has changed his day-to-day life?

I think a lot of people wouldn't meet at all right now. Someone approached me on the street yesterday to chat me up when I was out walking, and I was very conscious of doing the dance to keep them far away from me each time they moved closer.

When someone is so closed off I have no other way than making assumptions.

I have been the one being open and communicating, asking about sharing numbers, if he wants to meet, I told him how I feel about talking too long and not meeting , etc.

He is very closed off. If he has concerns about Covid he should say that to me. I don’t have to ask every single thing. 

[Emilyinroses]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

That is something I am unaware of, Shortskirtslonglashes (which I think you since edited). That is, just because a man wants to see a woman right after the first date doesn't mean he is motivated for the best of reasons.

Returning to Emilyinroses, I believe she should be less hurried, particularly given the OP's past. I think it's good Emilyinroses that you're conscious that he's not interested in learning more about you, at least not at this stage. All things to consider.

I feel he doesn’t ask questions to know more about me. 

Our phone calls are superficial. I asked him about previous relationships and he was very brief and changed subject. I asked him about his work, and he never asked me ANYTHING about mine.

I understand a guy can be slower, but there’s a difference between being slow and stagnation.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Not just hormones. You can just feel comfortable with the person and had a good time and so want to see them again.

 

 

I think you’re incompatible. So what’s  the new guy(s) like ?

Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes