Friends very slow to respond to messages, I'm noticing a general trend

[TheEternalPessimist]

Hey everyone,

so I wanted to talk to you about a general trend I've noticed with the few friends I have and I was wondering if you guys also noticed that with your own friends because I think this could be a general trend perhaps that has even been exacerbated with the pandemic, oddly enough. I'm specifically going to focus on three people: I will call them N, M and C. One of them (N) I met online in 2016 but never met in real life (she lives in Europe, in the same country I live in now, I moved to her country for work), the other (M) I went to college with and we kept in touch (she lives in North America but still comes to Europe from time to time) and the last one (C) I lived with for about 4 months in a neighboring country from where I live now, we had classes together and now we sporadically exchange messages once in a while. Overall I'm trying to figure out if this is about me or about them (with M I know it's not about me because she told me and I have no reason not to believe her, with the other two especially with C I'm not so sure). I communicate with all of them through WhatsApp.

With N (we have been living in the same European country since 2019 now), I've noticed that about 2 years ago or so she began texting less and so we went from texting 2-3 times a week to texting once or twice every 2-3 weeks to now texting once a month or so mainly because A. She barely ever is the one to text first now and B. When I write her a general "how are you? how is everything going?" it literally takes her a month to reply back now. She will apologize for it on her own and then repeat the same process next time. Yesterday I kinda alluded to that by asking her if she keeps in touch with her other friends and this was her response:  "I do sometimes not as often though but thats not a problem we both know we can always text each other if we need to. Everyone is kinda busy with their own thing now of course and i barely see any of them but i'm still in contact with everyone". She sounded completely lackluster about her friendships but on the other hand this makes me think that her slow responding is not about me but entirely about her. Our conversations are still the same as they were 3 or 4 years ago, barely anything has changed in that regard but I am completely baffled as to why she has become like that. N is 19 going on 20, she has a girlfriend, she's doing a paid internship now and plans to study psychology in college this autumn in a neighboring country. I have told her I will send her an audio message shortly. In it, I plan to discuss our friendship and where we go from here, this is my last resort.

With M, we have known each other since 2015 when she came as an exchange student to my college in North America where I was living in at the time. She ended up staying in North America while I moved to Europe in 2018. Her boyfriend works and lives in the country and the city I live in now in Europe so she has been visiting here a few times. They are now planning to move to the Middle East together later this year. M and I saw each other last year for her birthday right before this pandemic and a few weeks ago when she was visiting again. I'm not as close to her as I am (was) to N and C but I still care about her a lot regardless. We now mainly communicate through long audio messages on WhatsApp but just like with N, sometimes she will take up to a month to listen to my audio and reply back. I don't exactly remember how but a few weeks ago we brought up the topic of responding to messages and she admitted that she has been a slow responder with her other friends too, that they have called her out on it, that she felt kinda bad for it and promised to do better. She also reassured me that this had nothing to do with me and overall I thought she sounded sincere. I have yet to "test" her so to speak when it comes to replying back, it has only been a month or so since we last saw each other and we spoke for hours. M recently turned 27, she does freelance journalism. She might come back to Europe sometime in July, as things stand. Overall I feel like out of all three girls, she has the best justifications with being slow to reply whatwith her busy life as a freelance, going back and forth between Europe and North America multiple times last year and being in a mostly long-distance relationship with her boyfriend for long periods of time. Just like with N, I tend to think this isn't about me.

Now with C, she is the most confusing case among the three. I have talked about her before on this topic: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/597129-friend-has-terrible-planning-feeling-taken-for-granted-at-times/?tab=comments#comment-7871061 Me and her lived together for a few months, we had all our classes together and she even invited me to spend Christmas with her family back in 2018 so I got to meet most of her family. I moved out of her country in 2019, we saw each other once in her country and once here where I live now when she was visiting with her sister. The hangout in her country last September almost fell through due to her extremely late and poor planning, I only realized later on how upset I was with her over it so I didn't text her for a few months and waited for her to do it first which she did. We texted back and forth for a bit then I sent her an audio message that was about 4 minutes long where I was asking her things so she had something to reply to. She listened to the audio a full month later, never replied back about that but in the meantime she found enough time to change her profile pic on WhatsApp (she's done it again recently) which, while she has every right to do, tells me she has other priorities. I wished her Merry Christimas (more out of politeness than out of care for her), she replied back with a really generic message and we haven't texted since. I haven't called her out on her behavior and while I am upset at her, I am also fairly prepared to completely move on from that friendship unless something changes dramatically. I have thought about sending her a long audio message to tell her how her behavior has affected me and how upset I am but I haven't done it yet. C is 22, she has a boyfriend and is studying urban planning in a specialized school. 

That's it, would love to get some thoughts about all of this. I am being too petty or am I overreacting? Are any of these friendships worth keeping/saving or all they all doomed to fail because of their behaviors? I believe in common decency and honesty, friendship is a two-way street. I do not find it normal for people to take weeks or months to reply back to messages, nobody owes me anything but at the same time nobody is ever that busy not to be able to write a few lines or listen to an audio message, I simply do not and cannot believe that. I'm also not sure if this is about me or about them, I am overall quite baffled as to what is going on and I don't know where to go next. I am wondering if any of you noticed a similar trend with some of your friends, I feel like this kind of stuff doesn't just happen to me, it seems people overall don't really nurture friends and friendships as much as they did 10 or 15 years ago but maybe it's just me.

Finally, I'm hoping to avoid receiving answers such as "Duhh why don't you just move on?" or "It's obviously they don't give a **** about you".  I'd like to understand what's going on.

 

Edited February 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[basil67]

Hi EP, I've had a few long distance friendships over the years.  From the pen pals I had as a teenager when we wrote with pen and paper to modern days where contact was via email or messenger.   It's been my experience that while contact starts out fast and frequent, it's not at all uncommon for the interest to fade after a few years and does often end up at the point where someone's got an unanswered message and no motivation to answer it.   And given that I've had long distance friendships for 40 years or so, I can tell you long distance friendships coming and going from our lives is not a new thing.

Perhaps it's just really hard to sustain over the distance?   Or perhaps it's because even real life friendships can also come and go.    I'm sorry I have nothing more concrete to give you.  

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately with the pandemic, people are getting "zoom fatigue" (google it). 

People are also getting generalized screen fatigue and taking breaks from phones and constant text-tethering and obsessive social media checking.

A lot of the pushback from all the screen time is a healthy thing. 

Try being outside more. Get involved in sports, volunteering, a side hustle,etc. Do more activity that doesn't involve your phone.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately with the pandemic, people are getting "zoom fatigue" (google it). 

People are also getting generalized screen fatigue and taking breaks from phones and constant text-tethering and obsessive social media checking.

A lot of the pushback from all the screen time is a healthy thing. 

Try being outside more. Get involved in sports, volunteering, a side hustle,etc. Do more activity that doesn't involve your phone.

I'm not even on my phone that much and this is a trend that I noticed began BEFORE the pandemic.

[ShyViolet]

I remember the other threads that you started a while ago, and they all had a common theme.... you "pulling teeth" to try to get people to be friends with you, and the other people not showing the same level of interest as you.  People make time for what is important to them.  If they really want to talk to someone, they do.  It's clear that these people are just not that interested in being friends with you.  Stop trying to force it.  Why don't you focus on trying to make friends with people locally, instead of carrying on these long-distance penpal type situations.  I can see why being a long-distance penpal with someone would be tiresome and not have much payoff.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't have to pull teeth or force anyone to be friends with me, those people all are or were my friends at some point before they started behaving weirdly and irresponsibly. I am concerned about the general trend of carelessness which I feel has gotten worse in recent years. That trend doesn't make me want to meet new, local people which in this context is not possible anyways. 

Edited February 20, 2021 by TheEternalPessimist

[basil67]

It's not a "trend".  Friendships have always been a thing which come and go through our lives.   I can look back at group photos of my parents and grandparents taken in the 1930's and 1950's, The friends they had at their 21st birthday parties were mostly not a part of each other's lives by the time they were 30.

I do stay in contact with a couple of my BFFs from school from 40 years ago, but even with those two, we drifted while we were establishing careers and families and then found each other again by chance.

Edited February 20, 2021 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

That trend doesn't make me want to meet new, local people which in this context is not possible anyways. 

Ok fair enough, but trying to force long-distance friendships with people who are not interested is not going to work for you either.

There is a saying in teaching: All behavior is communication.  The behavior on the part of these friends, of responding to you less and less, or taking a longer and longer time to respond to you, is communicating a pretty clear message that they're not interested.  A MONTH to reply to you?  That's insane.  I don't know why you even keep trying with that person.  

They are doing the "fade away."  Perhaps they don't know how to straight out say that they don't want to continue these correspondences.

Is flakiness becoming a trend or getting more common in recent years?  I have no idea.  I feel like maybe it is.  Maybe the advent of cell phones and social media have atrophied people's social skills and ability to have real relationships.  But regardless, you have to read the messages that people send you with their behavior.  Don't try to force relationships with flaky people, or people who clearly act like they are not interested.

Edited February 21, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Ruby Slippers]

Make new and friendlier friends. Nobody owes you good friendship. It's voluntary, and truly good friends are precious and rare. People are everywhere. Your vibe attracts your tribe 

[basil67]

And remember what they say:  Friendships are like a fart - if you've got to force it, it's probably s***.  

Don't try to force a friendship from someone who's no longer interested.  Instead, focus on the friendships which are meaningful to you.

[TheEternalPessimist]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok fair enough, but trying to force long-distance friendships with people who are not interested is not going to work for you either.

There is a saying in teaching: All behavior is communication.  The behavior on the part of these friends, of responding to you less and less, or taking a longer and longer time to respond to you, is communicating a pretty clear message that they're not interested.  A MONTH to reply to you?  That's insane.  I don't know why you even keep trying with that person.  

They are doing the "fade away."  Perhaps they don't know how to straight out say that they don't want to continue these correspondences.

Is flakiness becoming a trend or getting more common in recent years?  I have no idea.  I feel like maybe it is.  Maybe the advent of cell phones and social media have atrophied people's social skills and ability to have real relationships.  But regardless, you have to read the messages that people send you with their behavior.  Don't try to force relationships with flaky people, or people who clearly act like they are not interested.

I keep trying because they weren't always like that and at least with 2 out of the 3 I think they are like that towards everybody and I'm trying to figure out why. You can't tell me they are doing the "fade away" with everybody.

[basil67]

No, they weren't always like that with you, but friendships can start out intense and fade away.   It's normal.  And no, I'm sure your friends didn't fade away with everyone, only from those friends who they aren't feeling so connected with anymore.   Give it another few years and their friend group may have changed yet again. 

[elaine567]

23 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

, friendship is a two-way street.

You want to be friends with them, they want to be friends with you, that is how it works.
Here, you want to be friends with them  but they don't want to be friends with you.
It is often how it works, they lose connection, they find less in common, they move on to other people or cut their friend group to a minimum as life gets in the way.
People also grow up, they don't need masses of friends to share experiences and opinions with.
They become more self reliant and keep only those that add something to their life. Some long distance pen pal is just too much work for little gain.
ALSO, no partner really wants their gf spending time having cosy chats with some other bloke...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

You can't tell me they are doing the "fade away" with everybody

They are just saying they are acting like that with everybody so they don't hurt your feelings or have to deal with an awkward conversation about it. 

They have lost interest and are redirecting their time and energy towards other things they have now have assigned higher priority. 

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

and at least with 2 out of the 3 I think they are like that towards everybody and I'm trying to figure out why. You can't tell me they are doing the "fade away" with everybody.

You don't know that they are like this "with everybody".  These are long-distance friends who you don't even see in person and who you rarely correspond with via text or email.  You have no idea how they are with everybody.  You have no idea what they are doing in their day-to-day life.  Just respond to how they are acting with you.  What you speculate that they are doing "with everybody" is not your concern and doesn't matter.

[TheEternalPessimist]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You want to be friends with them, they want to be friends with you, that is how it works.
Here, you want to be friends with them  but they don't want to be friends with you.
It is often how it works, they lose connection, they find less in common, they move on to other people or cut their friend group to a minimum as life gets in the way.
People also grow up, they don't need masses of friends to share experiences and opinions with.
They become more self reliant and keep only those that add something to their life. Some long distance pen pal is just too much work for little gain.
ALSO, no partner really wants their gf spending time having cosy chats with some other bloke...

That's part of the problem, I don't need masses of friends but at the same time I also don't need to barely have anybody.

Define "cozy chats", I happen to know their boyfriends and get along well with both of them. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

50 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You don't know that they are like this "with everybody".  These are long-distance friends who you don't even see in person and who you rarely correspond with via text or email.  You have no idea how they are with everybody.  You have no idea what they are doing in their day-to-day life.  Just respond to how they are acting with you.  What you speculate that they are doing "with everybody" is not your concern and doesn't matter.

M is like that with everbody because she told me she is, unless she lied to me and I don't see why she would. 

It does matter how they are with everybody because it can help me understand if this is about me or about them. With C it's especially disappointing because we lived together, I met her family etc. 

[HiCrunchy]

Either change ur expectations for the friendships or make new friends. 

[dramafreezone]

On 2/20/2021 at 5:09 AM, TheEternalPessimist said:

I'm not even on my phone that much and this is a trend that I noticed began BEFORE the pandemic.

Doesn't have anything to do witth zoom fatigue.  People that wait hours to return texts are faking value.  A lot of people do this.

A girl will get a message from a guy or vice versa, they see it but intentionally wait 3-4 hours minimum to return it.  This is what people are being taught, to not be too available.

[TheEternalPessimist]

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Doesn't have anything to do witth zoom fatigue.  People that wait hours to return texts are faking value.  A lot of people do this.

A girl will get a message from a guy or vice versa, they see it but intentionally wait 3-4 hours minimum to return it.  This is what people are being taught, to not be too available.

THIS!! I don't get that, it's so dumb and frustrating. 3-4 hours I wouldn't even mind but when I wait several weeks or even a month for a reply then I have an issue with it. 

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

A girl will get a message from a guy or vice versa, they see it but intentionally wait 3-4 hours minimum to return it.  This is what people are being taught, to not be too available.

OK but being always available "on demand" as if "on call", tends to get wearing.
But this is not what is happening here.
Taking a month to reply or even to listen to the message is a clear indication the OP is of low priority.
"Friends" like this are fading and that is usually OK as both have other priorities and the friendship is what it is. It may just fizzle out, neither care that much to actively retrieve it,  or it will continue low key like this for months, years if not decades... or at one point there will be a big blow out and the  aggrieved side will storm off.
The OP wants "more" but it seems to me he is choosing the wrong people to want "more" from.

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't believe that it can realistically continue low key for years, maybe months but not years. It's a shame because some of these people I grew up with even if part of it was online, there was no reason for things to go awry suddenly out of nowhere like this. 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't believe that it can realistically continue low key for years, maybe months but not years. It's a shame because some of these people I grew up with even if part of it was online, there was no reason for things to go awry suddenly out of nowhere like this. 

People grow apart there is often no falling out but at some point you realise the last time you heard from them or you replied to them was months ago, then it is the yearly Christmas message,.. then even that may stop...
You are trying to grimly hold on to the past, but many only look to the future, so old flat mates and  friends from college or just friends you picked up along the way will gradually drop off to be replaced by more current friends/co workers/acquaintances... The friendship circle moves on.
Once people settle down, they often have no interest in single friends anymore as life stages are then very different.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

M is like that with everbody because she told me she is, unless she lied to me and I don't see why she would. 

"Oh I'm like this with everybody."

That very much sounds like an excuse or a white lie she is telling you just to pacify you or take the pressure off the situation.  It doesn't at all mean it's true.  You have no idea what her relationships with other people are like.

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Doesn't have anything to do witth zoom fatigue.  People that wait hours to return texts are faking value.  A lot of people do this.

A girl will get a message from a guy or vice versa, they see it but intentionally wait 3-4 hours minimum to return it.  This is what people are being taught, to not be too available.

We take care of what's important. I have some male friends/admirers who message me now and then. I don't answer promptly because they're not a priority and I don't want to give them the impression I'm interested romantically. If I really like a man, I'll welcome his communication and reply as promptly as I can. If you feel a friend or contact is leaving you hanging, accept it gracefully and find other positive connections and things to do. 

Edited February 21, 2021 by Ruby Slippers