Does he want his ex back? I'm flying out to be with him for VDAY tomorrow.

[Cappygyal]

11 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

No. Regardless of whether you're around or not, what he said & did is inappropriate. 

At this point, I can only conclude that your inability to grasp what's going on here is either a result of autism or just plain old yanking our chain. No one can be this dense. 

Also, did you notice that everyone on the other forum site you posted to said the exact same thing as we did here? Ask yourself why.

So basically you’re saying him offering to take care of his ex on its own is the issue? Hmm.

[Crazelnut]

36 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

So basically you’re saying him offering to take care of his ex on its own is the issue? Hmm.

Yes, along with every other thing you've told us about this man, starting with the Valentine's trip. EVERYTHING about this says he is still into HER. Everything.

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

No. When I overheard them on FaceTime he asked her why she didn’t call him when she initially got sick 3 or 4 weeks ago. So they hadn’t even been talking. 

This actually makes it worse.  As much as you are prostrating yourself, allowing yourself to be used by him, he's doing the exact same thing to her.  He grovels at her feet & practically begs for her to take him back.  He will do almost anything for her even if it means kicking you in the teeth & stepping over your still warm body to get to her.  You do realize that if she reached out initially he never would have traveled 10 hours away to be with you, right? 

Other than the chemistry you feel -- which is one sided BTW -- why are you with this guy?  why do you put up with being second best? Do you like being used & devalued?  Do you have any meaningful understanding of why your self esteem is so non-existent that you keep going to back for more from this man who obviously doesn't care about you?  

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You do realize that if she reached out initially he never would have traveled 10 hours away to be with you, right?

 He didn't travel 10 hours to see cappy.  She just happens to be there.

19 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

He came up to be with his family that he hasn’t seen in almost 6 months for Mother’s Day. He is planning on staying for 2 weeks, so we’ve made plans to see each other a few times while he’s visiting his family.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

My point is he would not have come at all.  

@Cappygyal the fact that he pays attention to you as a side benefit of seeing his family is more evidence that he is only using you because you are convenient, not because he cares.  Why do you continue to overlook that?  

[Cappygyal]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My point is he would not have come at all.  

@Cappygyal the fact that he pays attention to you as a side benefit of seeing his family is more evidence that he is only using you because you are convenient, not because he cares.  Why do you continue to overlook that?  

A side benefit? Meaning he came home for his family and not see me?

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

A side benefit? Meaning he came home for his family and not see me?

Exactly!  Now you are getting it.  

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

A side benefit? Meaning he came home for his family and not see me?

Yes, yes and 1000X yes...

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

So if he did this while I wasn’t around then it would be different? 

lol, you and your crazy on/off switch again.  Technically and emotionally they are BOTH bad.  But one thing for certain is if he is facetiming her in a caring way over a sniffle that she has while you are in the vicinity he gives 0 F*cks about you finding out and he certainly is not focused on you (or enjoying his time with you---his FOCUS shows where his HEART is and it's not with you in any way, shape or form)..  You aren't even making second string here.  This precious chance you want, you really are not getting despite you being in denial and thinking you are making headway. 

[Versacehottie]

41 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

A side benefit? Meaning he came home for his family and not see me?

Are you for real with this question?  It was Mother's Day.  Any contact he has had with you is a distant afterthought!

Are you purposely being this dense? Come on now. I hate to use the T word but come on now.

[Cappygyal]

24 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Are you for real with this question?  It was Mother's Day.  Any contact he has had with you is a distant afterthought!

Are you purposely being this dense? Come on now. I hate to use the T word but come on now.

You don’t have to be rude.
 

I was simply making sure I was understanding what @d0nnivainwas saying. 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cappygyal

[LynneVicious]

Cally,

best advice you’ve been given already, so why don’t you just continue to do whatever it is you’re doing with him and then when he formally gets back together with his girlfriend or gets a new real girlfriend, you’ll learn then ... the hard way unfortunately. 
 

Just keep seeing him when he wants company and wherever the cards fall, that’s the way it is. 
 

The experienced posters on this board are trying to save you heartbreak. Since you refuse to see it, then just keep on with him until it ends. And take it for what it’s worth. But you’re wasting your time with him when you could be dating someone else who would view you as girlfriend/wife material and have a real relationship with. 
 

Its a hard lesson you're going to have to learn. 

[Cappygyal]

3 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Cally,

best advice you’ve been given already, so why don’t you just continue to do whatever it is you’re doing with him and then when he formally gets back together with his girlfriend or gets a new real girlfriend, you’ll learn then ... the hard way unfortunately. 
 

Just keep seeing him when he wants company and wherever the cards fall, that’s the way it is. 
 

The experienced posters on this board are trying to save you heartbreak. Since you refuse to see it, then just keep on with him until it ends. And take it for what it’s worth. But you’re wasting your time with him when you could be dating someone else who would view you as girlfriend/wife material and have a real relationship with. 
 

Its a hard lesson you're going to have to learn. 

Thanks. I guess it’s just hard to reconcile the fact that has feelings for me but then hearing from you all that he’s going to break my heart because in my mind I thought him having feelings for me meant something. 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cappygyal

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

 the fact that has feelings for me 

What type of feelings?

[Cappygyal]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What type of feelings?

He likes me in a romantic way

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

His Mac

I don't follow. 

How were his mom's messages to his ex on his computer?

[Cappygyal]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't follow. 

How were his mom's messages to his ex on his computer?

Mac computers you can text, call, FaceTime just like the phone so it keeps threads just like phones. The messages were between the ex’s mom and him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

Mac computers you can text, call, FaceTime just like the phone so it keeps threads just like phones. The messages were between the ex’s mom and him. 

That's what I didn't get before. The way you worded it made it sound as though the messages were between his mom and his ex, not him. 

In any case, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change the bottom line. 

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

Mac computers you can text, call, FaceTime just like the phone so it keeps threads just like phones. The messages were between the ex’s mom and him. 

Earlier, you said:

23 hours ago, Cappygyal said:

His mom texted her and was saying she appreciated him coming to take care of her. He said no problem at all and he told her he had come home for Mother’s Day and that’s where the mom got the seeing family.

Hence the confusion.

But. yeah, doesn't matter.  The plot line is the same.

Edited May 14, 2021 by introverted1

[Cappygyal]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's what I didn't get before. The way you worded it made it sound as though the messages were between his mom and his ex, not him. 

In any case, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change the bottom line. 

Oh yea, sorry those exchanges were with the ex’s mom.

since he has feelings for me and things are progressing why do you think this will crash and burn? 

[poppyfields]

45 minutes ago, Cappygyal said:

He likes me in a romantic way

Cappy, why don't you explain to us in detail why you believe this is true, I think it might help clarify things, I know it would for me.

I asked you earlier about the state of your relationship but all you responded with was that you have great chemistry. That's important but there is so much more involved in establishing a true and genuine "connection" with your partner that goes beyond sexual chemistry.

Listening, caring, mutual respect, mutual admiration, a bond, a general liking of each other!  An ability to communicate with each other, share feelings, both happy and sad.

For starters.

Do you have these things with him, with each other?

I have re-read the first half of this thread from weeks ago, and all the recent responses and what everyone wrote is valid for sure, BUT on the other hand I do believe two people can maintain a friendship with each other after they break up, while knowing they aren't right for each and lack the desire to get back together.

I still can't figure out if that is what's happening with him and his ex, there is quite a bit of speculation and assumptions being made, but none of us are mind readers, the only person who knows is HIM.  Even if all the superficial evidence points to that being the case.

So again, if you would clarify why you believe he has strong romantic feelings for you, not based on your projection of what's he is feeling, but things he is actually doing, his actions, that point to him having romantic feelings for you versus a "good for now" woman to have some fun with while passing through.

 

Edited May 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cappygyal]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Cappy, why don't you explain to us in detail why you believe this is true, I think it might help clarify things, I know it would for me.

I asked you earlier about the state of your relationship but all you responded with was that you have great chemistry. That's important but there is so much more involved in establishing a true and genuine "connection" with your partner that goes beyond sexual chemistry.

Listening, caring, mutual respect, mutual admiration, a bond, a general liking of each other!  An ability to communicate with each other, share feelings, both happy and sad.

For starters.

Do you have these things with him, with each other?

I have re-read the first half of this thread from weeks ago, and all the recent responses and what everyone wrote is valid for sure, BUT on the other hand I do believe two people can maintain a friendship with each other after they break up, while knowing they aren't right for each and lack the desire to get back together.

I still can't figure out if that is what's happening with him and his ex, there is quite a bit of speculation and assumptions being made, but none of us are mind readers, the only person who knows is HIM.  Even if all the superficial evidence points to that being the case.

So again, if you would clarify why you believe he has strong romantic feelings for you, not based on your projection of what's he is feeling, but things he is actually doing, his actions, that point to him having romantic feelings for you versus a "good for now" woman to have some fun with while passing through.

 

Because of the time we’re spending together.

I saw good signs that things are progressing. Just the other day he posted a picture of his sister and his mom and tagged them. I haven’t met them yet but I added his sister on social media and she followed me back so aren’t these all really good signs because he didn’t have an issue with it. I did hear him tell her a couple of times “no, it’s not like that. I don’t hate her” but that could be about thing I guess.

Plus, on FaceTime after his ex asked about me I heard her say something about how she thought it was weird that I was posting the videos and then I couldn’t hear the next part but then I heard him say she hurt him so many times and they would’ve been together if she hadn’t slept with someone and that’s when they got into the whole you should’ve told me you were sick I would’ve helped you weeks ago blah blah blah.

So I took that as all good signs like “hey you hurt but I’m moving on with someone new” because he has feelings for me.

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cappygyal

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Cappygyal said:

Just the other day he posted a picture of his sister and his mom and tagged them. I haven’t met them yet but I added his sister on social media and she followed me back so aren’t these all really good signs because he didn’t have an issue with it.

I have no clue why this means something in your eyes. Not having an issue is not something that counts as *positive actions*. It's like thinking your boyfriend is a good man because he's never been to jail. Your standards are below ground level. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You really seem to overhear an awful lot of and see numerous private messages, OP. 

[Cappygyal]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have no clue why this means something in your eyes. Not having an issue is not something that counts as *positive actions*. It's like thinking your boyfriend is a good man because he's never been to jail. Your standards are below ground level. 

True. That makes sense.

and about him saying if you hadn’t slept with someone else we’d be together as indicator that he’s letting her know he’s moving on?