d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Cappygyal said: That’s the thing...I really do think they dislike each other. They fought all the time and never got along. Misplaced sexual tension. Fighting is foreplay for them. If you have to make multiple threads about the same guy & have nagging doubts about the relationship, why are you still IN the relationship? You need to wise up. You are not a priority to this man. You are a far away dalliance. She's the one he wants. You are simply the person he uses as a substitute. I know that sucks & it probably feels awful to think somebody you care about can be so callous but you need to love yourself enough to have self esteem to stop letting somebody treat you this dismissively. If he was well & truly done with her & totally into you, he never would have had any communication with her at all. The fact that he offered to care for her while he was with you -- 10 hours away from her -- is INSULTING to you! Don't you get that? If not, why not? Edited May 13, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 36 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: I’m not trying to convince y’all that you’re wrong. I’m genuinely confused. He has an opportunity to be with her so why isn’t he? This is me genuinely asking because I don’t get it. Flip your question around. If he's so satisfied with you, why is he continuing to make his ex a priority? 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) I respect everyone's opinion but I have a different take @Cappygyaldepending on how you answer. What is your relationship like, your connection with him? Do you trust it? Trust your mutual connection, assuming it's strong and positive? What's your energy together like, your vibe? Is there mutual respect? Caring? What about sexual chemistry? If all those things are happening and good, then so what if he still cares for his ex and offers to care for her when she's sick? If she has no one else, it's a kind thing to do. It doesn't have to mean he's still "in love" with her, they had an opportunity to get back together in February and didn't and he chose you. I don't believe in possessive love anymore and I also believe you can remain friends with an ex, and even still love them on some level, without wanting to "get back together." So imo, again assuming your connection is strong and you have faith and trust in it and him, let him go take care of her, allow him that freedom without jealousy and without possessiveness. All this speculation that it must mean he's still in love with her and you're second choice is serving no good purpose imo. There's no first choice or second choice. He cares for you both, in different ways. And chose you to be in a relationship with. Embrace that, nurture that and try to not stress about what you think is going on with his ex... Turn the focus away from that and focus on your connection and relationship... Detach from the outcome and let chips fall where they may.... Edited May 13, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 13, 2021 Author Share Posted May 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I respect everyone's opinion but I have a different take @Cappygyaldepending on how you answer. What is your relationship like, your connection with him? Do you trust it? Trust your mutual connection, assuming it's strong and positive? What's your energy together like, your vibe? Is there mutual respect? Caring? What about sexual chemistry? If all those things are happening and good, then so what if he still cares for his ex and offers to care for her when she's sick? If she has no one else, it's a kind thing to do. It doesn't have to mean he's still "in love" with her, they had an opportunity to get back together in February and didn't and he chose you. I don't believe in possessive love anymore and I also believe you can remain friends with an ex, and even still love them on some level, without wanting to "get back together." So imo, again assuming your connection is strong and you have faith and trust in it and him, let him go take care of her, allow him that freedom without jealousy and without possessiveness. All this speculation that it must mean he's still in love with her and you're second choice is serving no good purpose imo. There's no first choice or second choice. He cares for you both, in different ways. And chose you to be in a relationship with. Embrace that, nurture that and try to not stress about what you think is going on with his ex... Turn the focus away from that and focus on your connection and relationship... Detach from the outcome and let chips fall where they may.... Thanks. Well I think the chemistry is amazing. After they get off the call he sends her a voice message saying, “if you start to feel worse or don’t get better soon let me know and I’ll come back to take care of you”. I saw her response that said, “aww you’re so sweet I’ll definitely let you know”. Well later that day she told him she’d take him up on his offer. He told her he’d keep her posted because he planned on being out here for 2 weeks. Then I saw that her mom texted him saying she appreciated him coming to take care of her. Her mom told him that she didn’t know he was visiting family so not to worry about it and to enjoy his summer. I saw that he replied to her mom with, “ I’ll be back in a week or so and will do whatever I can to make sure she’s okay and feeling better”. So I took his response to her mother as him just trying to be a good guy. I do know last month his friends sent him a screenshot of her dating profile. He in turn sent the screenshot to his ex and said he hopes she finds what she’s looking for. So I thought that was him being supportive of her. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: After they get off the call he sends her a voice message saying, “if you start to feel worse or don’t get better soon let me know and I’ll come back to take care of you”. I saw her response that said, “aww you’re so sweet I’ll definitely let you know”. Well later that day she told him she’d take him up on his offer. He told her he’d keep her posted because he planned on being out here for 2 weeks. Then I saw that her mom texted him saying she appreciated him coming to take care of her. Her mom told him that she didn’t know he was visiting family so not to worry about it and to enjoy his summer. I saw that he replied to her mom with, “ I’ll be back in a week or so and will do whatever I can to make sure she’s okay and feeling better”. So I took his response to her mother as him just trying to be a good guy. How did you manage to see all of this and remember it word-for-word? Edited May 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 13, 2021 Author Share Posted May 13, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: How did you manage to see all of this and remember it word-for-word? He left his Mac open.... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 1 minute ago, Cappygyal said: He left his Mac open.... And you just memorized everything that was written? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: Her mom told him that she didn’t know he was visiting family so not to worry about it and to enjoy his summer. I saw that he replied to her mom with, “ I’ll be back in a week or so and will do whatever I can to make sure she’s okay and feeling better”. So I took his response to her mother as him just trying to be a good guy. A "good guy" would not still be talking to his EX GF's mother. Unless you are related to him, he's lying to everyone about where he is, which makes you the "dirty little secret." He's ashamed of being with you because it's cheating on her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 If you were his priority he would not even be communicating with his ex, let alone Facetiming her which is wrong, not to mention offering to take care of her which is even more wrong. If you can't see that, especially after your last thread, then you need some serious professional help for your mental health. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 13, 2021 Author Share Posted May 13, 2021 1 minute ago, Punterxx said: If you were his priority he would not even be communicating with his ex, let alone Facetiming her which is wrong, not to mention offering to take care of her which is even more wrong. If you can't see that, especially after your last thread, then you need some serious professional help for your mental health. Oh...I thought by priority you meant in as in spending time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 13, 2021 Author Share Posted May 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: A "good guy" would not still be talking to his EX GF's mother. Unless you are related to him, he's lying to everyone about where he is, which makes you the "dirty little secret." He's ashamed of being with you because it's cheating on her. Well I mean it’s true. He did come home for Mother’s Day. His mom texted her and was saying she appreciated him coming to take care of her. He said no problem at all and he told her he had come home for Mother’s Day and that’s where the mom got the seeing family. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 4 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: Oh...I thought by priority you meant in as in spending time... No. It's a weighed analysis. He spends a few days with you but he spends quality time with her. Do you honestly think he's respond to multiple communications from ou if he was with her? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: His mom texted her You saw his mom's messages too? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) @Cappygyalallow me to share a similar situation. When I was dating my last boyfriend with whom I just broke up in Jan this year, I caught pneumonia. I was quite ill and needed serious attention. This was a couple of years ago. My ex before him (short term relationship) is a doctor and he came and took care of me. Better than my own doctors and way better than my boyfriend ever could (understandably). Well, my boyfriend got very jealous and threw all sorts of fits, we almost broke up because of it! I should have ended it because what it proved to me was that he didn't give two sh*ts about me and what was best for me, all he cared about was his EGO. He allowed possessiveness and jealousy to drive his ship and it nearly ruined us. There was nothing between my ex and I except friendship, even though he was quite in love with me while dating. I ended it. He may have even been in a new relationship, I didn't ask, it didn't matter. And I was and still am so grateful that he was there for me, as a friend and nothing more than that. Edited May 13, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 Wake up. For him to tell his ex that he will come over and take care of her when she's sick, he's clearly still hung up on her. That is completely inappropriate. You have been dating him for 3 months, and he lives 10 hours away. Why are there so many threads on here about people in these long-distance relationships? It was not a good idea to start dating a guy who lives 10 hours away. Furthermore, the fact that he's still waving red flags that he is still hung up on his ex and in contact with her, and THEY live in the same city.... you are just asking for trouble here. If a boyfriend of mine told an ex gf that he would "come take care of her"... yeah I'd be dumping his ass that minute. I have self-respect and I'm not going to be second fiddle to someone's ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: If he was well & truly done with her & totally into you, he never would have had any communication with her at all. The fact that he offered to care for her while he was with you -- 10 hours away from her -- is INSULTING to you! Don't you get that? If not, why not? This^^^^ 100% I don't know how to get through to you because other people are also saying vital, important things, OP and you seem genuinely confused. I think in a way you are treating it like an off/on switch, such as if you get any attention from him, it means he truly cares for you or your chance is as good as hers or as good as any other girl. WHEN IN FACT, it is more like a dimmer switch, and you are lowest level, rather than shining bright. I see his behavior toward you as 100% a placeholder. I would bet a ton of money on the fact that whether he is with her or with some entirely NEW person, you are extremely low on the totem pole and the chance that he "picks" you is not happening. I think most of us understand that his BEHAVIOR already shows that he has "picked"--it's anyone but you. Which doesn't mean he won't enjoy a bit of the attention or no-strings playtime with you--his behavior toward you is showing he nothing he is doing with you is INVESTMENT dating. It's passing time/placeholder/hookup stuff. I can't believe he was in touch with her, calling and texting her while spending time with you and you cannot see this. Right there that shows you, you are an afterthought, not the main event--REGARDLESS of their status. I hate to be confusing to you but I'm quite sure he will pick even some completely new girl over you once he is healed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 7 hours ago, Cappygyal said: But he may be trying to be a good friend by trying to take care of her when goes back next week? You’re wasting people’s time. If you believe this, despite the fact that almost every rational person is telling you that this is NOT the case at all, you’re taking people for a ride here. The facts are clear. He doesn’t care about you. Stop reading his messages. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 14, 2021 Author Share Posted May 14, 2021 5 hours ago, Versacehottie said: This^^^^ 100% I don't know how to get through to you because other people are also saying vital, important things, OP and you seem genuinely confused. I think in a way you are treating it like an off/on switch, such as if you get any attention from him, it means he truly cares for you or your chance is as good as hers or as good as any other girl. WHEN IN FACT, it is more like a dimmer switch, and you are lowest level, rather than shining bright. I see his behavior toward you as 100% a placeholder. I would bet a ton of money on the fact that whether he is with her or with some entirely NEW person, you are extremely low on the totem pole and the chance that he "picks" you is not happening. I think most of us understand that his BEHAVIOR already shows that he has "picked"--it's anyone but you. Which doesn't mean he won't enjoy a bit of the attention or no-strings playtime with you--his behavior toward you is showing he nothing he is doing with you is INVESTMENT dating. It's passing time/placeholder/hookup stuff. I can't believe he was in touch with her, calling and texting her while spending time with you and you cannot see this. Right there that shows you, you are an afterthought, not the main event--REGARDLESS of their status. I hate to be confusing to you but I'm quite sure he will pick even some completely new girl over you once he is healed. So if he did this while I wasn’t around then it would be different? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 13 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: So if he did this while I wasn’t around then it would be different? Oh I bet you anything he IS doing stuff like this when you're not around. Wake up. They live in the same city, while you are 10 hours away. You honestly don't think there's more going on between them when you're 10 hours away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 14, 2021 Author Share Posted May 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Oh I bet you anything he IS doing stuff like this when you're not around. Wake up. They live in the same city, while you are 10 hours away. You honestly don't think there's more going on between them when you're 10 hours away? No. When I overheard them on FaceTime he asked her why she didn’t call him when she initially got sick 3 or 4 weeks ago. So they hadn’t even been talking. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 @Cappygyal How did you happen to see his mother's messages to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappygyal Posted May 14, 2021 Author Share Posted May 14, 2021 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: @Cappygyal How did you happen to see his mother's messages to her? His Mac Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 Cappy, you seem to be approaching this as a lawyer or detective, monitoring his phone calls, reading his messages, memorizing details and conversations. In a healthy relationship, none of this is necessary. Nor are 15-page (and counting) threads asking about various interactions between your bf and his ex. You seem to be deeply in denial. When someone responds, you pick about minor details as if doing so will refute the larger picture. for example, I suspect you will tell me that you don't monitor his phone calls, you just happen to hear them because they are within ear shot. But this is a detail that doesn't matter: it doesn't change the overall picture. Rather than getting hung up on the inconsequential details, it's the over-arching picture you should be attuned to. You've been "dating" (read: having sex with) this guy since February and, in all this time, he has not stopped contacting his ex. At one point they reconciled, only to break up again when he couldn't handle hearing that she'd had sex with someone else during their break-up. Bottom line is that he is still emotionally invested in this ex. It doesn't really matter whether they end up getting back together or not; the bottom line is that his heart is not free to be with you. So yes, he can have sex with you and possibly even the occasional laugh. But he's not building a lasting relationship with you. One of two things will happen: 1) he will reconcile with the ex; or 2) he'll get over the ex and decide to find someone to build a new relationship with. Either way, you have no lasting place with this man. From the sound of things, he keeps you around because it is easy to do so: you don't place any demands, don't require him to be emotionally invested, are willing to have sex on his schedule, keep your doubts/concerns to yourself (or bring them here). It's no effort for him. And he can have you while still pursuing his ex. There is no reason you can't find a man of your own, one who is free to think that cappygirl hangs the moon. This guy isn't him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 26 minutes ago, Cappygyal said: His Mac How did you see Mom's messages on HIS Mac? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 8 hours ago, Cappygyal said: So if he did this while I wasn’t around then it would be different? No. Regardless of whether you're around or not, what he said & did is inappropriate. At this point, I can only conclude that your inability to grasp what's going on here is either a result of autism or just plain old yanking our chain. No one can be this dense. Also, did you notice that everyone on the other forum site you posted to said the exact same thing as we did here? Ask yourself why. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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