Depressed boyfriend left me, we loved each other very much and his sickness happened

[Ellie2233]

Hi.

So generally the case is very complicated.

We are both young adults and we have been in amazing, just to say perfect, loving relationship for 6 months.. long nights of talking, just pure chemistry. We created a true emotional bond based on same values in life as me (medstudent) I encouraged him to try med school, and he did start it by previously quitting his own educational pursuits.

I've never experienced something like this before, he said he havent too.

He said he had a really screwed up relationships before, without committment or any future, without love, just physical attraction and sex. He said he believes one person for every person and that only to that person you say "i love you”... he said so many times to me and i felt it was true.

We were both convinced we will spend rest of our lives together, he promised me he will never leave me and that he finally met the girl he will marry and told his friends all about it, he even told his parents about me, first time he told his family of any girl.

He said it was incredibly hard for him since he loved his mum very much but they never talked of deeper things, he said she was a very controlling mother through all of his life. He also said she only loved him when he was successful in his life.

After 2 months of relationship he told me i have to know sth about him.

We watched a movie about bipolar disorder and he said he thinks he has it, and that sometimes he feels like the saddest person on earth, stays alone in his apartment in his bed for a couple of days since he has no power to get up and he had suicidal thoughts before.

Since our 5th month some problems started.

We couldnt meet bc of pandemic (he studies abroad), his flights were constantly cancelled, we both got frustrated.

Then at the country he studies in, lockdown was happening, his regular extracurricular team sport was canceled and gym were closed. He got so angry, irritated all the time and kind of being distant towards me...

I asked if something is happening to our relationship, he said no, nothing changed, I'm his whole world and he loves me more than anything and he asked me multiple times not to ever leave him bc he cant imagine life without me.

He said he has really hard times now. He got into serious fights with his roomate, even packed his things just bc he woke up him once at night.

He started catching my words and turning them into offensive towards him, which caused 2 fights in 2 days. I didnt know what is happening, bc the most supportive, loving, respectful partner was turning into some stranger.

But after the second fight he called me video, apologised me so much, said he doesnt know what is happening to him, and that wasnt him and that he loves me the most, and that i should remember nothing is impossible for us, and nothing will ever separate us, bc we can solve every problem that arises, bc we are soulmates.

Then out of blue, he woked up one day and started doubting everything, started hating himself so much. He even said he cant believe i love him unconditionally bc no one ever did that. 

He said he cant sleep, he stays in bed and looks at wall all days, and he said he needs a break from us, but i should remember he will never leave me, bc im the best that ever happened to him, he just needs time. And that i should be sure that in the end we will be together and that even he is in that state now, he can guarantee without hesitate that he will choose me to spend his life with.

Then 2 weeks after these words he said he cant be in healthy relationship and that im amazing person and he doesnt have energy to be in relationship now, but he hopes when he will be normal again, we will be unseparable.

He got worse and worse, finally he went to psychiatrist, diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, refused to take pills.

After that he texted me this is final over and i shouldnt wait for him, bc he cant keep me waiting till idk when, i deserve someone better. And that he lost his feelings for me. He generally said hurtful things  ( which later turned out to be untrue, he said he said this to push me away and make me not wait for him).

He cured himself with smoking weed and abusing prescription drugs. 

After week he texted me again, said he needs a friend, not his gf now and that he missed me very much. He apologised and said he wasn't feeling alive at all, and that I should give him time, but he wants to get better and get back to us.

Week of texting, i made him smile again, he admitted this and said thank you for making me smile, he started being little better sometimes, ofc he had worse days often but still i saw he got better around me.

One time i wasnt responding and posted some depressive lyrics, he started texting me he worries and calling me few times. But none of my other friends concerned that much, only him, which for me proved he still loves me.

So we had a phone call, first time since his sickness. He was a different man... No emotions in voice, just robot, machine.

He said he does so bad things to improve himself that he is ashamed and maybe one day he will tell me.

Then he texted me after the call that i should never expect us to be together anymore, bc he hurted me so much and he cant forget that and that i dont deserve any of these and that he will never be himself again.

He also said we shouldnt be friends bc what if he will be good again and starts to date someone, i will be sad.

I was so shocked he said that! After he promised me he will choose me to spend his life with and that im his soulmate forever! 
He said he was pretending all the time, and that he wasnt happy in our relationship, when i know it was all [nonsense], bc we loved each other so much and he always fought so much for me, supporting me when i was crying over stupid acne. 

This was 5 days ago. He said he is leaving for good now and blocked me everywhere. He said its for the best.

Im so hopeless, i love him the most, i truly believe he is my soulmate. I never had that kind of connection with anyone. We looked at world the same, he was the only one that could make me laugh when i was sad. He was my best friend and love of my life. ( he said exactly the same about me).

Please,  i need an advice. Did i truly lost him forever? 🥺

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs & formatting, removed inappropriate language, member request.

[Cheryl123]

As a depressed bipolar women who has absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, yes! It doesn't sound like this person has any feelings for you at all and it doesn't sound like you helped them as much as you think you did. Treatment is ongoing and I know for me, I would need a solid year alone, I think he's not feeling anything towards you as much as you think he is. I know for me, I obsessed over someones life to the point it affected mine, but it was more "they actually have this, and do this, I can't" 

Edited February 12, 2021 by Cheryl123
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[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You're smart and articulate and you'll be ok. He was honest and can't be in a relationship until he gets his health in better shape.

[d0nnivain]

You probably lost him forever, but that is OK.  I know it doesn't feel OK & you think that is easy for me to say because my heart is not broken. My heart has been broken so I do understand.  

This was a whirlwind & it was wonderful.  Falling in love always is but it was also the stuff fantasies are made of.  Only saying ILY to 1 person in your whole life is not reality.  People fall in & out of love.  You will again have deep conversations & a connection with somebody else.  

His self diagnosis does not mean he has the condition.  At 21 people think everything is more dramatic & epic than it actually is.  His ways to self medicate when he athletics were taken away made everything worse.  

Between the distance & his drama, you are better off not chasing.  He's going down a rabbit hole.  It's somewhat understandable.  Covid has made even stable people feel unbalanced.  Still just let this be.  Focus on healing.  You will get through this & you will love again. 

[Ellie2233]

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You probably lost him forever, but that is OK.  I know it doesn't feel OK & you think that is easy for me to say because my heart is not broken. My heart has been broken so I do understand.  

This was a whirlwind & it was wonderful.  Falling in love always is but it was also the stuff fantasies are made of.  Only saying ILY to 1 person in your whole life is not reality.  People fall in & out of love.  You will again have deep conversations & a connection with somebody else.  

His self diagnosis does not mean he has the condition.  At 21 people think everything is more dramatic & epic than it actually is.  His ways to self medicate when he athletics were taken away made everything worse.  

Between the distance & his drama, you are better off not chasing.  He's going down a rabbit hole.  It's somewhat understandable.  Covid has made even stable people feel unbalanced.  Still just let this be.  Focus on healing.  You will get through this & you will love again. 

You seem like a very experienced person in terms of love and relationships..I mean, i know its not the end of the world, i have distance towards the things he was saying, since it continued for 1,5 months... But just everyone keeps telling me, if he didnt get this major depression episode, we would still be together. This kills me... So many laughter, promises, talking about future. He even met my mum on video call, he was so stressed. Everytime i recall those memories i just have tears in my eyes. I know he was very serious about me. Even during this bad state, but at the beginning he said i should never even think of losing him, that he stays with me forever, and he knows that even when i will give up on him, he knows i will choose him no matter what, and that he can guarantee me the same, that he will choose me to spend his life with... It all seems like yesterday.

[Ellie2233]

2 hours ago, Cheryl123 said:

As a depressed bipolar women who has absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, yes! It doesn't sound like this person has any feelings for you at all and it doesn't sound like you helped them as much as you think you did. Treatment is ongoing and I know for me, I would need a solid year alone, I think he's not feeling anything towards you as much as you think he is. I know for me, I obsessed over someones life to the point it affected mine, but it was more "they actually have this, and do this, I can't" 

I dont know if he is bipolar, and how it is to be bipolar, but he has done everything that fits into the criteria of depressed, which is hating himself and pushing away people he loves.

Also i dont know how this story will end, or has it ended already, but i felt truly loved for 6 months, like never before in my life. He didnt only say these things, he fought for me like a lion, when he was healthy. Even now during his depression he kept saying it was love and that he still has feelings, but probably bc of depression he doesnt feel as much as he did.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to clarify: have you ever met him in person?

[Ellie2233]

Unfortunately no, due to pandemic. We video called each other 4-5hrs per day. We saw each other cooking, playing video games and in bed. 
He had flight tickets bought to me country, which he screened for me, few times. Unfortunately all were cancelled. I think it might have been the cause of his frustration and our separation.

[d0nnivain]

50 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

Unfortunately no, due to pandemic. We video called each other 4-5hrs per day. We saw each other cooking, playing video games and in bed. 
He had flight tickets bought to me country, which he screened for me, few times. Unfortunately all were cancelled. I think it might have been the cause of his frustration and our separation.

If you never met him, you never had him.  This was a diversion. It was never a "real relationship".  It felt good because you interacted but seriously, don't beat yourself up over some guy you never actually met. You were in "love" with somebody you didn't really know.  You loved the guy you imagined him to be but you have no clue who he is in real life.  

[Ellie2233]

57 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you never met him, you never had him.  This was a diversion. It was never a "real relationship".  It felt good because you interacted but seriously, don't beat yourself up over some guy you never actually met. You were in "love" with somebody you didn't really know.  You loved the guy you imagined him to be but you have no clue who he is in real life.  

It may seem as simple as that, but you never experienced our relationship (i know it wasnt a real one bc we didnt meet in the bus, didnt kiss, have sex etc). We shared problems together, experiences... it was 6 months of everyday texting and talking on video.. about everything. You can meet someone in real life, kiss them, hold them, see how they do shopping but still your relationship will be less meaningful than what we had.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

You can meet someone in real life, kiss them, hold them, see how they do shopping but still your relationship will be less meaningful than what we had.

This is your inexperience and naivety speaking, unfortunately. 

The reality is that you don't know this man anywhere near as well as you think you do. It's simply impossible when you have spent no time together in real life. How old are you both, for reference? 

 

[Ellie2233]

On 2/12/2021 at 4:32 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is your inexperience and naivety speaking, unfortunately. 

The reality is that you don't know this man anywhere near as well as you think you do. It's simply impossible when you have spent no time together in real life. How old are you both, for reference? 

 

I told in the post. And ofc im young, naive and inexperienced compared to others who met their spouses in the trains, shops, buses... now life is not so easy, especially during pandemic. But what i written is just a part of the story. Only me and him know how it really was. I was kind of hoping for some empathy, not judging... but its internet forum. I never met you in person, i dont know you...

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack

[robaday]

As someone who is currently battling depression he will need time alone to work on his things. In the past I would continue in a relationship but it is a recipe for co-dependency and will not end well until I get myself right again. Mental health is a very serious issue and honestly I feel like I am protecting myself as well as potential girlfriends by not dating right now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Nats2631 said:

 I never met you in person, i dont know you...

Just like this guy, perhaps?  

For the record, I am not a divorcee. You make a lot of assumptions about people without knowing them, as you acknowledge, and that extends to this online man. You are assuming a lot about him without having any real way of knowing what's true and what isn't. 

For all you know, he already has a girlfriend. 

It is not our intention to judge you, but engaging in these online fantasy relationships is incredibly risky and not healthy. You don't need to resort to a man so far away and tell yourself there are few alternatives. That is simply not true.  There is a very wide margin between not being easy to meet people nowadays (and I would argue that the opposite is actually true, with all the technology available to you) and trying to build a life with someone you've never met. Plenty of young people meet and date others in their vicinity all the time. These forums are proof of that. 

The bottom line? Don't ever pin all your hopes on someone you have not spent any time with in real life. It's not the way to happiness, and you're seeing why. 

Edited February 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Ellie2233]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just like this guy, perhaps?  

For the record, I am not a divorcee. You make a lot of assumptions about people without knowing them, as you acknowledge, and that extends to this online man. You are assuming a lot about him without having any real way of knowing what's true and what isn't. 

For all you know, he already has a girlfriend. 

It is not our intention to judge you, but engaging in these online fantasy relationships is incredibly risky and not healthy. You don't need to resort to a man so far away and tell yourself there are few alternatives. That is simply not true.  There is a very wide margin between not being easy to meet people nowadays (and I would argue that the opposite is actually true, with all the technology available to you) and trying to build a life with someone you've never met. Plenty of young people meet and date others in their vicinity all the time. These forums are proof of that. 

The bottom line? Don't ever pin all your hopes on someone you have not spent any time with in real life. It's not the way to happiness, and you're seeing why. 

As i seen your answers to other posts, you are an incredibly bitter and straightforward person. I guess you have been hurt many times in your life thats why you take it on others. But being naive and trusting a guy who you have been talking everyday for 6 months hours and hours, is seriously a great difference.
Just considering me as some idiot girl is not nice. Im an highly educated person. End of discussion.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Nats2631 said:

As i seen your answers to other posts, you are an incredibly bitter and straightforward person. I guess you have been hurt many times in your life thats why you take it on others. 

No, that is not correct. Far from it, actually. 

Lashing out at posters who take time to respond to you is not going to do anything to help you. You posted on a public forum, so you have to expect that you might hear things you don't want to hear. People generally aren't going to sugar-coat it for you when they hear something concerning, such as the story you've posted here. Nowhere did I say that you are an idiot. But do I think you're making smart choices with your heart here? Well, no. And I don't think you're going to find many people who would encourage someone to get involved in an online thing to this degree. There's a reason people don't respond positively to stories like yours, OP. 

Perhaps you could elaborate on what your family and friends make of this situation. Do they know he's suddenly disappeared? What do they advise you to do?

[Ellie2233]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, that is not correct. Far from it, actually. 

Lashing out at posters who take time to respond to you is not going to do anything to help you. You posted on a public forum, so you have to expect that you might hear things you don't want to hear. People generally aren't going to sugar-coat it for you when they hear something concerning, such as the story you've posted here. Nowhere did I say that you are an idiot. But do I think you're making smart choices with your heart here? Well, no. And I don't think you're going to find many people who would encourage someone to get involved in an online thing to this degree. There's a reason people don't respond positively to stories like yours, OP. 

Perhaps you could elaborate on what your family and friends make of this situation. Do they know he's suddenly disappeared? What do they advise you to do?

Okay, maybe i didnt want sugar coated answer, but just some empathy... I knew all his friends, family.. he was even exchanging messages with my dad.. we had a video call with my best friend so he could meet him. They got on so well. He was really serious about me, showed me tickets many many times... i know exactly his adress, his family... If it wasnt for pandemic we would have met several times already. We both know it. The inability to meet is what caused his depression and doubt in the first place. 
Look, i was moody many times too, he always called me video so many times for me to pick up, bc he said he cant stand if im sad, bc he is sad too. He was the most supportive, respectful person.  He admitted he has problems opening up, and that im the first person he opened up so much in his life, he was telling me everything. ( and yeah yeah, you may argue with that, ofc, but sometimes you can just sense when someone is honest with you). We could talk hours and hours about everything. You would have to be inside this relationship to truly understand, that ofc internet relationship is not as good as real one, but it wasnt our choice. If not for the pandemic, we would just meet 1-2 tines a month as we planned. We are 1000 km away from each other. Its not so much. We both study medicine, but he is first year, and i was supporting him so much, telling him what books to buy and asking him from anatomy. 
 

My mum says, 90% he will text me spring/summer when he will get little better. Bc it was too intense to fade as easily as this. 
She said he will be curious to see me in real life, once borders will be open. But now he is in the state that as he even said „ I cant do this to you, you are not a nurse. Im not happy to live, so how can i give you happiness?”... he is right. But still im curious to meet him one day, no strings attached.

[elaine567]

On 2/13/2021 at 2:08 AM, Nats2631 said:

The inability to meet is what caused his depression and doubt in the first place.

You don't actually  know that. What you do know and seem to refuse to acknowledge is that a psychiatrist has diagnosed him with Major Depressive Disorder and this is not his first episode, by what he told you. He refuses to take appropriate medication and has been self medicating with smoking weed and abusing prescription drugs...  fantastic!!
He is now self isolating and has ended things with you, for his own peace of mind.
Be glad. Living with this guy long term will I guess be a nightmare.
Concentrate on your studies, and forget him is my advice, let him sort out his own demons.
Mental illness is serious stuff.
You are in no position to "fix" him , in fact you could inadvertently make things 100X worse for him.

 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Nats2631 said:

My mum says, 90% he will text me spring/summer when he will get little better. 

Ok, see what happens. Does he have seasonally related bipolar?

He may contact you again..(as your mother tried to console you by telling you this), but he may flake out again just as quickly.

[Ellie2233]

I see this topic caused a lot of discussion...

Maybe i acted little stubborn at the beginning, bc of a heartbreak (i was still holding on to happy moments and couldnt get them out of my head), but all of yours opinions carry truth.

He made last 1,5 months for me a constant swing and nightmare. But he told me himself he is not mentally stable.

I know i have to forget him, bc he dissapeared for his own wellness, but i believe for my own wellness too. As in last of our conversations he said he still has feelings for me, and that he cant do this to me, bc he is harming me and he cant accept this on himself.

He will be a memory of something nice that once happened to me and the cause that i started to be interested in psychiatry. Maybe thats why i met him, who knows.

I believe everything has purpose.

I started deleting our past conversations, starting to erase him gradually. I know i have to move on. 

I just hope one day i will meet that person which i will have this amazing connection again, and who will be perfectly healthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/13/2021 at 5:50 AM, elaine567 said:

He refuses to take appropriate medication and has been self medicating with smoking weed and abusing prescription drugs...  fantastic!!

This is also a colossal red flag. 

He has a substance abuse problem. I would stay far, far away from this person, OP. What you know about him is bad enough; imagine what you don't know. I am surprised that the people around you don't seem concerned about this. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[Ellie2233]

On 2/13/2021 at 6:38 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is also a colossal red flag. 

He has a substance abuse problem. I would stay far, far away from this person, OP. What you know about him is bad enough; imagine what you don't know. I am surprised that the people around you don't seem concerned about this. 

Im just pitting him now. He is so young, smart and good person, but he is completely ruining his life. When he told me he uses these substances to "clear his mind" he was terribly afraid i would tell his parents, and they panickly hate any drugs. They would definetely put him into addiction center. He deserves better than this, i wish he would start really treating himself.

The worst part is his mom is convinced his depression is not so bad, and that he can cure himself. As i said before she loves him very much and he loves her, but they dont have the best emotional bond. He is an only child.

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[BaileyB]

Ellie, I’m sorry that you are disappointed but this is quite concerning - for many reasons. 
As you are feeling now, it’s hard to let go of the fantasy... but you must. I’m sorry. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nats2631 said:

He is so young, smart and good person, but he is completely ruining his life.

He apparently has a mental illness. He is not purposefully ruining his life.
He is making poor choices, for example, self medicating with drugs. But, this is because he has a mental illness.

Do not be surprised if he drops out/does not follow through with med school. If he is experiencing a significant depression, it will be difficult to attend and deal with the stress of med school. And, quite frankly, he shouldn’t become a practicing physician if he has an untreated mental illness that he self medicates with drugs. As a physician yourself, you would be required by your college to report him - because his mental health has the potential to put his patients at risk. 

I’m curious as to how you say you convinced him to try med school. You’ve known the man for six months, would he not have had to take his MCAT and apply - this takes more than six months. Is he actually in school now?

He may come back around in the summer, or he may not. If he does, you need to be very cautious and think with your head, not your heart. You could in fact completely ruin your life, if you stay involved - particularly if he does not get treatment and he continues to self medicate. 

Edited February 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Ellie2233]

On 2/13/2021 at 8:31 AM, BaileyB said:

He apparently has a mental illness. He is not purposefully ruining his life.
He is making poor choices, for example, self medicating with drugs. But, this is because he has a mental illness.

Do not be surprised if he drops out of med school. If he is experiencing a significant depression, it will be difficult to attend and deal with the stress of med school. And, quite frankly, he shouldn’t become a practicing physician if he has an untreated mental illness that he self medicates with drugs. As a physician yourself, you would be required by your college to report him - because his mental heal has the potential to put his patients at risk. 

I’m curious as to how you say you convinced him to try med school. You’ve known the man for six months, would he not have had to take his MCAT and apply - this takes more than six months. Is he actually in school now?

He may come back around in the summer, or he may not. If he does, you need to be very cautious and think with your head, not your heart. You could in fact completely ruin your life, if you stay involved - particularly if he does not get treatment and he continues to self medicate. 

He is in med school, i checked his uni website, he is on the list. He studied economics and attented the exam for med school before he met me. (We are both from Europe) 

He tried to get into med school to impress his grandma who is a retired cardiologist, he was one of the top students in his class that got into medicine. 
But he was hesistant to start it, bc it meant for him he would have to change career paths and quit playing the sport which he was earning in. 
I encouraged him highly, talked about my studies but i said its his choice 100%. He was into perspective that we both will be doctors... Power couple i guess 🤣

He was even talking with his parents to transfer into my medical uni, so we could live together. 
 

He has made so much plans ahead for us. He even sometimes called me his future W. 
Once when he was studying anatomy all night, we didnt facetime so he recorded me a long voice record in which he said he was empty, angry, sad all the time before he met me and that now he finally feels happy. When i turn on that voice record to my friends, family they have tears in their eyes and say this is beautiful and that this is how love looks like. (Believe or not, they all say this.. even my friend who doesnt believe love)

When i opened video call with him sometimes, when he saw me, he had literal tears in his eyes and he was saying he missed me so much. And he doesnt know why the hell is he crying.. i could see so much love in his eyes back then. 
 

I know its all easy for you to judge, but there is lots of aspects you dont know. But im very grateful for interest in this situation. Really thank you. It makes me feel like you are interested and want to understand to and help me understand.

Edited February 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information.