Firstlady07 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 What does it mean when a man tells you he needs substance? I've been talking to this man for about two months and he tells me he wants me to open up more he needs substance. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 I'd be offended after 2 months someone tells me to open up because he doesn't see substance yet. Why you have not met yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Substance means, personality, charm, intellect. It's what you bring to the table of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 He feels like your conversations are superficial. I don't know if he's expecting you to reveal more secrets & personal info to him or he's looking to have more intellectual conversations about subjects. If you haven't met, then continue to play your cards close to the vest & don't over share but do try to arrange to actually meet. If you have met, ask him what "more substance" means -- deeper personal info vs. intellectual conversations. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Substance means some kind of depth. He's not someone who goes for just a pretty face. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Firstlady07 said: What does it mean when a man tells you he needs substance? I've been talking to this man for about two months and he tells me he wants me to open up more he needs substance. To me, it means he needs someone with some depth, who is able to discuss topics beyond the superficial. Light and playful is great, but sounds like he wants to go a bit deeper. He's bored, unstimulated otherwise. At least sometimes, it's good to mix it up. Light and playful mixed with substantive. I am actually the same. I don't think him telling you to "open up more" was fair though. Does HE open up to you? Does HE initiate deeper conversations with you? Why is he putting all this on you? What are your conversations like? Can you give us examples? What types of things do you talk about? You may be a mismatch. Edited February 8, 2021 by poppyfields 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lisaden Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 26 minutes ago, poppyfields said: To me, it means he needs someone with some depth, who is able to discuss topics beyond the superficial. Light and playful is great, but sounds like he wants to go a bit deeper. He's bored, unstimulated otherwise. At least sometimes, it's good to mix it up. Light and playful mixed with substantive. I am actually the same. I don't think him telling you to "open up more" was fair though. Does HE open up to you? Does HE initiate deeper conversations with you? Why is he putting all this on you? What are your conversations like? Can you give us examples? What types of things do you talk about? You may be a mismatch. If things don’t work out please give me his contact! lol I am desperately trying to find a man with depth! Someone who cuts the small talk and goes deeper to know someone. Someone who likes to talk about hopes, fears, dreams, and not what we eat for dinner. I love being intelectually stimulated and get bored too easily when I only see superficiality. But I think she should ask him what does he mean, because 2 months is a pretty long time talking to not see that before. I get bored after 2 days if all we are doing is small talk! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 18 minutes ago, lisaden said: Someone who cuts the small talk and goes deeper to know someone. Someone who likes to talk about hopes, fears, dreams, and not what we eat for dinner. That confirms OP should definitely ask him what he means by depth. See for me depth is having an opinion and being able to extrapolate on different subjects. Someone up to date on what is going on in the world, someone that has a cause at heart, that understand both side of the medal. Someone can show a lot of depth without digging in their dreams and fears or share secrets. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 25 minutes ago, lisaden said: Someone who likes to talk about hopes, fears, dreams, and not what we eat for dinner. That could be oversharing. I hope to travel to Antarctica one day; last night I dreamed I flew around on a unicorn, or I always wanted to be a firefighter is not a deep conversation any more than what's for dinner. How people feel about current events; global warming; gold v bitcoin cryptocurrency; the provability of string theory; morality in general; the right to privacy etc. are all deep, substantive conversation topics. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lisaden Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: That could be oversharing. I hope to travel to Antarctica one day; last night I dreamed I flew around on a unicorn, or I always wanted to be a firefighter is not a deep conversation any more than what's for dinner. How people feel about current events; global warming; gold v bitcoin cryptocurrency; the provability of string theory; morality in general; the right to privacy etc. are all deep, substantive conversation topics. Well I guess the OP needs to ask him what is substance to him because it seems it means different things to different people. To me talking about current events is superficial. And talking about hopes and dreams, emotions, fears, in other words, showing your soul desires and showing vulnerability, is substance. Edited February 8, 2021 by lisaden 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Firstlady07 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 We have met a few times. We have things in common but I'm an introvert. I'm very reserved and I'm slow to start talking and opening up. I'll talk a little or throw in a few opinions but let him do most of the talking. He is more of an extrovert in that way. He's definitely a talker and not just surface level.. He's always asking what am I thinking or to share my thoughts. He shares a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, lisaden said: To me talking about current events is superficial. And talking about hopes and dreams, emotions, fears, in other words, showing your soul desires and showing vulnerability, is substance. This^^ but it should start slowly. Dip your toe in, see how it feels. If sharing, opening up feels good, you can begin sharing more. Favorite books, music, movies, your families, feelings about life, the world. Eventually each other. It's a slow gradual process as trust develops. You can't just dive right in willy nilly, that's too much, too soon. The key is achieving the right balance, and with the right person, it all comes pretty naturally, with a sort of effortless ease. Edited February 8, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Firstlady07 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, lisaden said: Well I guess the OP needs to ask him what is substance to him because it seems it means different things to different people. To me talking about current events is superficial. And talking about hopes and dreams, emotions, fears, in other words, showing your soul desires and showing vulnerability, is substance. I think you might be right. I think he thinks or believes that I have it in me but I haven't shown or said it . Now since I'm slow to share and open up he's not sure. Edited February 8, 2021 by Firstlady07 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Firstlady07 said: We have met a few times. We have things in common but I'm an introvert. I'm very reserved and I'm slow to start talking and opening up. I'll talk a little or throw in a few opinions but let him do most of the talking. He is more of an extrovert in that way. He's definitely a talker and not just surface level.. He's always asking what am I thinking or to share my thoughts. He shares a lot. You may just not be a match then. He doesn't understand you. Introverts are deep thinkers and usually have a lot of substance to them. Personally i find some extroverted people to be obnoxious and they simply dont understand how or try to understand introverts!. Thats just me though. And obviously can't generalise Edited February 8, 2021 by peach302 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lisaden Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This^^ but it should start slowly. Dip your toe in, see how it feels. If sharing, opening up feels good, you can begin sharing more. Favorite books, music, movies, your families, feelings about life, the world. Eventually each other. It's a slow gradual process as trust develops. You can't just dive right in willy nilly, that's too much, too soon. The key is achieving the right balance, and with the right person, it all comes pretty naturally, with a sort of effortless ease. Agree. But the OP said they have been talking for 2 months, so is not they just started talking. Link to post Share on other sites
lisaden Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 17 minutes ago, Firstlady07 said: We have met a few times. We have things in common but I'm an introvert. I'm very reserved and I'm slow to start talking and opening up. I'll talk a little or throw in a few opinions but let him do most of the talking. He is more of an extrovert in that way. He's definitely a talker and not just surface level.. He's always asking what am I thinking or to share my thoughts. He shares a lot. Why don’t you just explain that to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Substance is about real stuff, so hopes and dreams are not substance. They are airy fairy things to talk about as they may or may not come true. In fact abstract and fantasy are antonyms of "substance" 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 7 minutes ago, peach302 said: Introverts are deep thinkers and usually have a lot of substance to them. Ok but how can he judge if she is a deep thinker or just vacuous, if she won't talk or open up to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amygirl908 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 8 minutes ago, lisaden said: Agree. But the OP said they have been talking for 2 months, so is not they just started talking. Two months is and isn't a long time and you're still getting to know each other. Check in on how you feel and go with what you are comfortable with. If you takes you more time to open up then so be it and if he really likes you he will be patient. Don't keep him waiting forever but two months isn't that long and if you're not ready don't let anyone push you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 18 minutes ago, Firstlady07 said: I think you might be right. I think he thinks or believes that I have it in me but I haven't shown or said it . The thing is do you have opinions? Not everyone has opinions on everything. I am opinionated and have things to say about everything, I was married 15 years to a man that had no opinions what so ever. He did not care about politics, environment, racism, feminism, he was just interested in his work, and sports AND it's ok! You don't have to be someone you are not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, amygirl908 said: Two months is and isn't a long time and you're still getting to know each other. Check in on how you feel and go with what you are comfortable with. If you takes you more time to open up then so be it and if he really likes you he will be patient. Don't keep him waiting forever but two months isn't that long and if you're not ready don't let anyone push you. Trouble is, he has already tired of waiting, hence his comments about opening up and "substance" to the OP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Maybe he hasn't inspired her to share anything "deeper". I agree with @Gaeta, I would be offended at the wording of his comment. Communication should come naturally, and if it doesn't it's likely they just aren't a good match. One person's deep might be another's self-indulgent twaddle. Unless @Firstlady07 gets similar feedback from other guys, I would lean more to it being a lack of compatibility rather than something she needs to change for him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 @Firstlady07: As he been trying to make you talk about what you like about sex? It's the first thing that crossed my mind when I read your story cause I've seen it all. That's not substance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 19 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Ok but how can he judge if she is a deep thinker or just vacuous, if she won't talk or open up to him? Thats my point. Hes already judging her as being vacuous though. Making assumptions. Im alll too familiar with situations like this as im similar to the OP. And i find some people are simply ignorant. Link to post Share on other sites
lisaden Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 28 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Substance is about real stuff, so hopes and dreams are not substance. They are airy fairy things to talk about as they may or may not come true. In fact abstract and fantasy are antonyms of "substance" Tell that to the guys who imagined, fantasized, dreamed and created Amazon, Tesla, Apple, etc. Hopes and dreams ARE the real substance. Most people are only hooked up on the visible reality and living a boring life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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