Loneheart Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Should a married couple try therapy again if it didn't work the first time? The first time of going to therapy I was still in denial about alot of things and confused. I wasnt taking ownership of my part of our issues. It took me to watch infidelity videos on YouTube to understand things alot better. I still have alot of work to do but I'm 100% committed and want to repair my marriage more than anything. Im having a hard time dealing with issues and talking with my husband about everything. I feel like there has to be a third party professional there. I dont feel like we understand each other especially since I still need help. I have come a long way from when I first started therapy. My husband doesn't think I have. I'm not sure which way is right or wrong. My husband and our last therapist didn't see eye to eye and we didn't feel like he was helping us. I have found a new therapist that will work with us hopefully more suitable to our situation but my husband doesn't want to go back right now. He thinks I'm still lying to him and I'm not. He said if I can come clean and tell him everything then he will but I have nothing to tell him. I'm not lying to him anymore and I completely understand his doubt. I just know in my heart if we go back to therapy it will help us and it kills me that I can't get him to feel the same way. Should my husband give me another chance with therapy together? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 As long as you are able to find a good counselor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Can he get involved, maybe even take charge of selecting a therapist? Maybe if he had some control and responsibility in some area he’d be more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Pottering About Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 (edited) Hi 4 paws, good to see you back here. I think many people on here were seriously worried about you. i wrote a long reply asking why you have such difficulty talking to your husband, what is it you and your husband do not understand about each other, whether you can demonstrate to your husband why you think you have come a long way and actually questioning whether you do have anything further to tell your husband (at the very least why you lied). However, the truth is the extent and depth of your problems are way, way above the pay grade of people on here and I worry that any advice would actually be more damaging than helpful. You generate a lot of points in a short post and I think you should be talking to your therapist about them, rather than seeking help on here. Very happy for you to come back with updates and to give you an opportunity to vent but I think that is all you should be using this site for. Edited February 4, 2021 by Pottering About 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Yes, if both parties are fully committed and will follow the recommendations one day at a time. buffer Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 6 hours ago, 4paws said: my husband doesn't want to go back right now. Go to individual therapy. Your husband doesn't want to go. It's that simple. Stop talking to him about inflammatory subjects that lead to arguments. You claim he doesn't trust you and thinks you are still lying. Stop arguing about that. It's that simple. Being trustworthy and transparent is an action. Not a conversation. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Stop living in bloody bandages from the past. Stay in the present. If you have integrity and act as such, stay the course. Stop trying to drag him to therapy. Stop trying to keep proving everything. Make up your mind. Consult an attorney if your marriage is too decayed. If he refuses to trust, then why is he staying to beat you up about it? He as well needs to make up his mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 If you are the reason it didn't work last time but you have now educated yourself about where you went wrong it couldn't hurt but for right now if your husband doesn't want to go, you go to IC. Work from there. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 4paws going into what others have said. You can not force your husband to trust you. All you can do is to be trustworthy and he will either start trusting you again or not. You have learned from your mistakes and now it is time to start living again. Your husband has to want to heal from this, you can’t force it. Show that you love him and start being happy again. Go to therapy for you and live life. Your husband will either decide to join you or not. From what you have said, you have done everything you can over the past year to fix this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 6:41 AM, Wiseman2 said: Go to individual therapy. Your husband doesn't want to go. It's that simple. Stop talking to him about inflammatory subjects that lead to arguments. You claim he doesn't trust you and thinks you are still lying. Stop arguing about that. It's that simple. Being trustworthy and transparent is an action. Not a conversation. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Stop living in bloody bandages from the past. Stay in the present. If you have integrity and act as such, stay the course. Stop trying to drag him to therapy. Stop trying to keep proving everything. Make up your mind. Consult an attorney if your marriage is too decayed. If he refuses to trust, then why is he staying to beat you up about it? He as well needs to make up his mind. I think we just love each other so much it's hard to leave. We filed for divorce but pulled it and afterward stated we shouldn't have pulled it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 10:18 AM, usa1ah said: 4paws going into what others have said. You can not force your husband to trust you. All you can do is to be trustworthy and he will either start trusting you again or not. You have learned from your mistakes and now it is time to start living again. Your husband has to want to heal from this, you can’t force it. Show that you love him and start being happy again. Go to therapy for you and live life. Your husband will either decide to join you or not. From what you have said, you have done everything you can over the past year to fix this. That is how I have felt, that I have done alot to try to fix this but he disagrees. I feel like no matter what I do or say it will never be enough because I hurt him to much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 8:15 AM, d0nnivain said: If you are the reason it didn't work last time but you have now educated yourself about where you went wrong it couldn't hurt but for right now if your husband doesn't want to go, you go to IC. Work from there. I've been trying but there is still no change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 2:33 AM, Pottering About said: Hi 4 paws, good to see you back here. I think many people on here were seriously worried about you. i wrote a long reply asking why you have such difficulty talking to your husband, what is it you and your husband do not understand about each other, whether you can demonstrate to your husband why you think you have come a long way and actually questioning whether you do have anything further to tell your husband (at the very least why you lied). However, the truth is the extent and depth of your problems are way, way above the pay grade of people on here and I worry that any advice would actually be more damaging than helpful. You generate a lot of points in a short post and I think you should be talking to your therapist about them, rather than seeking help on here. Very happy for you to come back with updates and to give you an opportunity to vent but I think that is all you should be using this site for. Thank you for your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 12:49 AM, merrmeade said: Can he get involved, maybe even take charge of selecting a therapist? Maybe if he had some control and responsibility in some area he’d be more positive. He did finally go back to therapy with me, but not thinking positively. We like this therapist but he just keeps saying it's just like the last one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted April 15, 2021 Author Share Posted April 15, 2021 On 2/4/2021 at 12:17 AM, usa1ah said: As long as you are able to find a good counselor. We found one but my husband isn't really into it. He is negative about the outcome even though we like this therapist. He just thinks it will be exactly like last time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 10 hours ago, 4paws said: I think we just love each other so much it's hard to leave. Abusive relationships are not about love. They're about unhealthy attachment. Research "Stockholm Syndrome". Link to post Share on other sites
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