Alpacalia Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 What factors in the face of adversity make some people more resilient than others, whether from a breakup, a loved one's death, etc.? Is it innate or a trait that has been (or can be) learned?
basil67 Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 I believe that the death of a loved one or breakup of a long term relationship has the potential to undo even the most resilient people out there. This is devastating stuff for anyone. Rather, I think that resilience is more about being able to cope with the regular ups and downs which affect all of us at different stages in our lives. The end of a friendship, a job loss, end of a short term dating thing, letting go of the past... I don't know how to develop resilience for an adult, but there are books on the topic...but my theory is that resilience can be developed in children. Parenting strategies such as not bringing forgotten lunch or homework to school...but of course, all kids are different and there's no guarantees for any parenting strategy. Is there a particular reason you ask? 1
robaday Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 This is a great question. On the one hand I have been suffering from major depression for six months or so. On the other however I have turned the corner. And the life circumstances that led me to that condition (losing a relative, a breakup, losing my job) I feel would have knocked anyone. So despite me having a diagnosed condition I consider myself resilient. I have dealt with a lot of loss in my life and through overcoming it I feel I have developed resilience. Things like exercising daily no matter what. Ensuring I am feeding my mind through study/learning/reading, keeping busy and not comparing myself to others (i.e. controlling my own reality). These are things I learnt on my journey and have served me well, despite still falling occasionally. What I am trying to get better at however is asking for help. Being honest with what I am going through to others. Doing counselling. These things are new for me. I have realised that no man is an island. 1
littleblackheart Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 You don't really know how resilient you are until you are faced with a given situation. We like to think we can deal with any situation with resolve, but it's not always possible, especially when it's unexpected. I guess keeping a positive mindset as much as you can helps so when something stressful happens, you are better prepared mentally and emotionally. This can be learned at any time in your life, I'm sure. Speaking for myself, I have the luxury of being able to rely on a very strong support system. I'm very close to my family, and I'm trying to teach resilience to my children by encouraging them to talk to me and to each other whenever something's up, and by responding to other people's difficult situations with kindness and empathy. I have found a couple of references from professional sources that have had very good reviews, if you are interested: Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness - Dr Rick Hanson (psychologist) - Rider (2018) ISBN-10 : 9781846045813 Developing Resilience: A Cognitive-Behavioural Approach - Michael Neenan (accredited cognitive behavioural therapist) - Routledge 2017, ISBN-10 : 9780415792912. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 5 hours ago, Alpaca said: Is it innate or a trait that has been (or can be) learned? Both. If you want to survive, it's essential. If you want a happy life, it's essential. 1
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) I think resilient people have gone through a lot and they know even though their current situation is difficult it will pass, because eventually everything passes. Exemple If you've been through 2-3 important breakups in your life you know the feeling and you know it passes, if you've dealt with death before you know the phases and it passes. If you read stories on here you'll notice younger people are affected harder than older people for same type of loss. I also think part of it comes from your background. Our mother taught us from very young to be resilient at school, in school yard, and with our friends. And I think some of it is genetic, I have a friend who's been through a lot in her life but will still get into a deep depression for months over a guy she dated 1 month and it's due to her mental health. Some times you are a certain way because of mental health problems you inherited and you can somewhat control with mes but not change. Edited January 23, 2021 by Gaeta 2
Author Alpacalia Posted January 23, 2021 Author Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, basil67 said: I believe that the death of a loved one or breakup of a long term relationship has the potential to undo even the most resilient people out there. This is devastating stuff for anyone. Rather, I think that resilience is more about being able to cope with the regular ups and downs which affect all of us at different stages in our lives. The end of a friendship, a job loss, end of a short term dating thing, letting go of the past... I don't know how to develop resilience for an adult, but there are books on the topic...but my theory is that resilience can be developed in children. Parenting strategies such as not bringing forgotten lunch or homework to school...but of course, all kids are different and there's no guarantees for any parenting strategy. Is there a particular reason you ask? Often I look at the people around me and ask myself the question (i.e. why some people seem more resilient than others). My family member who's going through a divorce seems so strong when it comes to certain major life events, but this divorce has really shaken her emotionally. For me, I have a dog that is just 7 and there are days when I cry to think about the day he's not going to be with me. Well, I'm not sure that's natural. Edited January 23, 2021 by Alpaca
Watercolors Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 Resilience is an adaptive trait. You either develop resilient coping skills from your adult role models as a child, or, you're pretty much screwed as an adult if you didn't have the adult role models to teach you how to cope with adversity when you were young. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/15/03/science-resilience Quote The Science of Resilience Why some children can thrive despite adversity BY: Bari Walsh POSTED: March 23, 2015 When confronted with the fallout of childhood trauma, why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential? A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. The power of that one strong adult relationship is a key ingredient in resilience — a positive, adaptive response in the face of significant adversity — according to a new report from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, a multidisciplinary collaboration chaired by Harvard’s Jack Shonkoff. Understanding the centrality of that relationship, as well as other emerging findings about the science of resilience, gives policymakers a key lever to assess whether current programs designed to help disadvantaged kids are working. “Resilience depends on supportive, responsive relationships and mastering a set of capabilities that can help us respond and adapt to adversity in healthy ways,” says Shonkoff, director of the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard. “It’s those capacities and relationships that can turn toxic stress into tolerable stress.” Physical Implications As a growing body of research is showing, the developing brain relies upon the consistent “serve and return” interactions that happen between a young child and a primary caregiver, the report says. When these interactions occur regularly, they provide the scaffolding that helps build “key capacities — such as the ability to plan, monitor, and regulate behavior, and adapt to changing circumstances — that enable children to respond to adversity and to thrive,” the report continues. The developing brain is buffered by this feedback loop between biology and environment. But in the absence of these responsive relationships, the brain’s architecture doesn’t develop optimally. The body perceives the absence as a threat and activates a stress response that — when prolonged — leads to physiological changes that affect the brain and overall systems of physical and mental health. The stress becomes toxic, making it more difficult for children to adapt or rebound. Notable Consequences The experiences of the subset of children who overcome adversity and end up with unexpectedly positive life outcomes are helping to fuel a new understanding of the nature of resilience — and what can be done to build it. Here’s what the science of resilience is telling us, according to the council’s report: Resilience is born from the interplay between internal disposition and external experience. It derives from supportive relationships, adaptive capacities, and positive experiences. We can see and measure resilience in terms of how kids’ brains, immune systems, and genes all respond to stressful experiences. There is a common set of characteristics that predispose children to positive outcomes in the face of adversity: The availability of at least one stable, caring, and supportive relationship between a child and an adult caregiver. A sense of mastery over life circumstances. Strong executive function and self-regulation skills. The supportive context of affirming faith or cultural traditions. Learning to cope with manageable threats to our physical and social well-being is critical for the development of resilience. Some children demonstrate greater sensitivity to both negative and positive experiences. Resilience can be situation-specific. Positive and negative experiences over time continue to influence a child’s mental and physical development. Resilience can be built; it’s not an innate trait or a resource that can be used up. People’s response to stressful experiences varies dramatically, but extreme adversity nearly always generates serious problems that require treatment. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 I agree with @Gaeta that the key mindset of a resilient person is "This, too, shall pass." I get through down times quicker than I used to because I do a better job of keeping in mind that the phase is temporary and better days are ahead. I also try to go easy on myself and just let the feelings run their course, rather than giving myself a hard time about it. As for why some people are more resilient than others, I think it comes down to attitude. You have some people living in difficult circumstances who manage to keep a positive attitude most of the time, and very fortunate people who are negative and never satisfied. The good thing is that attitude is a choice. You can choose to gradually improve the quality of your attitude, and you start to see positive results very quickly. 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 22, 2021 Posted February 22, 2021 Resilience can definitely be learned. Some of us learn it as children but we can always strive to be more resilient. Some of us are not so lucky and grow up not knowing how to cope with life’s difficulties and changes. In eastern philosophy they refer to resilience as the mountain (within). Practicing meditation is about building our internal/spiritual mountain. The mountain is immutable, no wind nor fire can move it. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted February 22, 2021 Author Posted February 22, 2021 1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Resilience can definitely be learned. Some of us learn it as children but we can always strive to be more resilient. Some of us are not so lucky and grow up not knowing how to cope with life’s difficulties and changes. In eastern philosophy they refer to resilience as the mountain (within). Practicing meditation is about building our internal/spiritual mountain. The mountain is immutable, no wind nor fire can move it. Yes, I can definitely see how meditation can be useful for cultivating resilience. I like the quote.
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