good vibes?

[Watercolors]

56 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

OK, but I think you misinterpret me slightly. Confidence is key, but it is fragile and not easy to maintain. The quickest way to shoot yourself in the foot is by not ignoring signals that demonstrate medium interest, and going right for her personal info so you can keep hounding her.

THAT demonstrates neediness, and fear that she'll forget and you'll have to remind her. My way shows her that I'm interested, but I don't NEED the date. So if she's not going to commit now, she can get in touch when she's ready to, and we can exchange numbers fully then. Ball's in her court. I've shown her where I stand and Im confident that I made enough of an impression in my interactions with her that she'll want to get in touch.

Again, if she doesn't, no sweat. I'll assume she's not ready, keep an eye on her SM and if something funny comes up, I'll strike up a convo. It's not that hard if you're happy to be by yourself and you radiate a relaxed and confident energy rather than an over-eager and aimless one. I never assume she doesn't like me. I assume she's not ready so I put my focus elsewhere and think whatever happens happens. If you're always there, giving her the option, forcing her to set a date, you'll just annoy her. So I'll let the other chumps do that while she thinks about me and eventually reaches out and we get together.

Simples.

 

I'm confused. Why do you need advice? Clearly, you have your own way of doing things and so far, you've shot down everyone's advice to you here. You don't like her, or do you? 

At the end of the day, David, are you going to pursue women whom you're interested in dating? Or, are you going to contact them on their SM, and play the push-pull game with them like you did with this woman, hoping that the woman asks you out for a date? 

Otherwise, it seems to me that you're making your dating life a whole lot more complicated than it needs to be. If you like a woman, ask her for her phone number so you can call her and ask her out on a date. That method is tried and true. it's worked, since the invention of the telephone, long before online dating was invented. And, there's less games involved when you are just straightforward with the other person. 

Your thread is another example of why I avoid online dating since having tried it years ago. It's a minefield of game playing between people. 

[tokidoki]

Sigh.

I am pursuing women I'm interested in dating by getting in contact with them and asking them out. If they say yes, i ask when they're free. If they don't know or need to check, I let them do that. If they don't get back, they weren't that interested to start with. If they were, they'd give a time they were free.

No games, no push pull. She also hasn't said no, so if she doesn't get back I can pick it up again soon. I'm chilled, you seem bitter and frustrated.

This isn't online. I met her on a job, but you can't ask someone out in a work context. i found her on SM and started talking. Didn't expect her to reply but she did and here we are. She seems responsive, so if she's keen and confident, she'll be in touch. If not then there was no chance to start with. 

Also, she has my number, she can text me hers if she wants me to have it, and if she wants to move off SM and into text. I'm not going to force her or eagerly encourage her to do that, though. 

 

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

Didn't expect her to reply but she did and here we are. She seems responsive, so if she's keen and confident, she'll be in touch. If not then there was no chance to start with. 

Also, she has my number, she can text me hers if she wants me to have it, and if she wants to move off SM and into text. I'm not going to force her or eagerly encourage her to do that, though. 

 

But where is your confidence? You’re essentially saying, “I want a woman who thinks more of me than I think of myself”

She can text you, she can give you her number, she can set the date and time...why does she need to be the one making all the moves? Seems like you’re deflecting to her to make all the decisions and putting her on a pedestal. All you did here is give her your number and ask her to contact you if your worthy of her time and interest....
 

Is it ambivalence or lack of confidence? 

[Fletch Lives]

You should have asked for her number and called her. Many women won't make the first moves.

[dramafreezone]

20 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Bingo. I asked you out because I’m interested in you. 
 

The person who initiated the “date” has the burden because they demonstrated the most interest in the relationship. Just because she said yes doesn’t mean she is as compelled as he is. 
 

Why would the person who was asked on the date do the leg work for setting it up? If you’re negotiating something do you give the other person all the power and control? 
 

You need to advocate for yourself and what you want. If you want her and you’re valuable, go get it. But if you’re indifferent about it and don’t see yourself as a prize then why bother even asking her out in the first place? Women have a 6th sense for confidence, any wavier of it and they will sniff it out like a shark does blood in water.

At the end of the day you either care enough to make a move and follow through to the end, or you shouldn’t be making a move at all. 
 

 

I think you have that backwards man.  If you see yourself as a prize, you know that the number of women that would love to date you is more than you could ever possibly date.  So why would you spend a lot of time on one that's not very interested?  At that point, it's her loss.  Nothing personal, I wish her well but it's her loss.  There's a saying that I take to heart; don't look for someone that's on the fence about you, look for someone that will jump fences to see you.  Me not pursuing one woman endlessly doesn't mean I don't see myself as a prize, it's me knowing that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, so I'll find someone that's more interested.

Men that don't value themselves as much endlessly pursue one or two women, because in their minds they don't feel that they have a lot of options, so they place an inordinate amount of importance on a woman or two.  It's just a numbers game ultimately, but if you stay stuck on one person, you never allow the numbers to work in your favor. 

But I'll entertain your theory; what is following through?  Exactly how many times do you ask a woman out without a firm date before you consider it a lost cause?  What if he calls her next week and says "work is busy but maybe next week will be better."  Does he need to follow through again?  He calls again in two weeks and her cat is sick.  Call again?  At what point do you figure that she's not all that interested, or is it just a crazy set of circmustances and you just need to follow through?

Edited January 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

There's a saying that I take to heart; don't look for someone that's on the fence about you, look for someone that will jump fences to see you.  Me not pursuing one woman endlessly doesn't mean I don't see myself as a prize, it's me knowing that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, so I'll find someone that's more interested.

Exactly how I feel too!  And many women. 

Who knows what the answer is, perhaps there isn't one, we simply do the best we can, that's all we can do.

Edited January 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[tokidoki]

UPDATE: 
 

so after I left this lady with my number and told her to call me when she had her schedule worked out:

she posts on social a few times a day and she did go to her hometown, and has been there since, and maybe will be til the lockdown lifts

i’m glad i didn’t take her number and ‘check in to set a date’ the following week, as I would’ve just ended up getting the same answer, and be in the exact same position.

I took some advice from here, commented a couple times on posts etc and had v short exchanges, but didn’t follow up about the date. Seems like the timing isn’t right. I’m confident that she’ll be ready to go when the time is right, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didnt for the reason peeps have said here: women expect the man to follow up.

Anything to be said for just leaving this on the backburner, and if I see on social that she’s back in town when things are a bit more dating-friendly, shoot her a message to set something up? I can’t see why that’d be bad but always interested in hearing opinions

[Cookiesandough]

I would suggest in the future never leaving your number with a woman and telling her to contact you. A lot of women will not do that unless maybe  they are REALLY into the guy. I don’t know many who would.  It’s just unconventional and I think it makes many women uncomfortable to be the one to reach out when you are the one who asked her. It can also look like lack of confidence on your part(whether rightly or not).  I think if she were going to contact she would have at least checked in by now.  Not because she’s free but just to make sure you’re still warm. A text doesn’t take much time or effort and if she were interested she would want to make sure that you didn’t lose interest in the meantime.(kind of like what you’re thinking now) I would suggest next time you want to date a woman,  always get her number and hitting her up. Sure, she may say no again, but it puts the power back in your hands and she’s a lot more likely to say ‘yes’ to your proposal than to go out of her way to make a date proposal to you. Unless you just give your number out to women , and you sit back and have your inbox flooded with women asking you out, that’s what I’d suggest. I don’t see that often work with dudes and every time a guy has given me his number, even if I was a little bit intrigued, I never contacted him. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[tokidoki]

Hmmm yeah i understand what you mean, but tbh i didn’t exactly plan it like that. She knows that I can see that she’s still in her hometown on SM. There’s not much to communicate about right now - she’s not available for a date, so I don’t wana kill all the mystery with a penpal kinda relationship. 
 

As I say, I wouldn’t reeeeally expect her to get in touch with me but she knows I can see what she’s doing, and she watches my stuff too. It would have felt weird to say ‘Give me your number and I’ll text you to ask you if you’re back yet’...ya know? Or ‘give me your number and when i see on SM that you’re in town i’ll message you’

just felt way more natural to say: ‘OK, well give me a shout when you’re back in town and we’ll get together then!’

Just bad timing. I asked her a day or two before she left town for an indeterminate amount of time...

[Cookiesandough]

I also see what you’re saying. It does seem more natural to say that because there’s 0 risk of rejection involved in that because it puts the ball in her court. I’m just saying it may not be the most effective strategy.  I dunno if it would have been weird to ask if you could have her number. That’s a completely acceptable question for a guy to ask if he’s interested in you and I like that question if I’m into a guy. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[tokidoki]

Yeah - but i sort of asked her out there and then. No ‘strategy’ as such. I asked if she would like to go for coffee, and she said yes. I asked when she was free and she said that she was going back to her hometown. So it just seemed better to say ‘let me know when you know’. I don’t think there was any rejection in it at all. She is in her hometown and may be for a while. 
 

What I don’t want is to end up texting back n forth before we’ve spent any actual time together. She already agreed to a date so I don’t feel rejected.

 

 

[Interstellar]

Giving a girl your number is a weak close. You’re the man, you’re the aggressor. I don’t care if Pope John Paul the second or the Supreme Commander of N.A.T.O. is standing beside you. You have to ask for the number always. Even if you’re so nervous that your hands are doing the imitation of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  That’s in the constitution. You have to close, close, close as they say in business. Then once you close, ask her out on a date or coffee for next week,  if she can’t make it then ask her for a specific day, and time and if she gives you some excuse without a counteroffer then you throw her number away.

Edited January 28, 2021 by Interstellar

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

Giving a girl your number is a weak close. You’re the man, you’re the aggressor. I don’t care if Pope John Paul the second or the Supreme Commander of N.A.T.O. is standing beside you. You have to ask for the number always. Even if you’re so nervous that your hands are doing the imitation of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  That’s in the constitution. You have to close, close, close as they say in business. Then once you close, ask her out on a date or coffee for next week,  if she can’t make it then ask her for a specific day, and time and if she gives you some excuse without a counteroffer then you throw her number away.

Oh man I got chills reading this.    That's the way to do it, you need to post more often! 😆

[amygirl908]

21 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

Just bad timing. I asked her a day or two before she left town for an indeterminate amount of time...

This really does sound like a case of bad timing, but if you want to go out with her follow up when she's back in town. If it were me I might forget to follow up or feel like I was gone so long you might not want to get coffee anymore.

Covid has really thrown a wrench into dating which was already an imperfect system to begin with.

[Ellener]

On 1/28/2021 at 11:11 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s just unconventional

Maybe that's the mis-match... @davidsonramirez you are approaching conventional women in an unconventional way? If a man gave me his number and I was interested I'd give him mine or just call him!

2 hours ago, amygirl908 said:

Covid has really thrown a wrench into dating which was already an imperfect system to begin with.

Hasn't it...whole new level of should I/shouldn't I and uncertainty about what's for the best or acceptable!

 

[dramafreezone]

On 1/28/2021 at 3:48 PM, Interstellar said:

Giving a girl your number is a weak close. You’re the man, you’re the aggressor. I don’t care if Pope John Paul the second or the Supreme Commander of N.A.T.O. is standing beside you. You have to ask for the number always. Even if you’re so nervous that your hands are doing the imitation of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  That’s in the constitution. You have to close, close, close as they say in business. Then once you close, ask her out on a date or coffee for next week,  if she can’t make it then ask her for a specific day, and time and if she gives you some excuse without a counteroffer then you throw her number away.

Well, ideally I like to exchange numbers.

I don't advocate throwing numbers away or deleting people, basically because I just met this person and there could be a million reasons why she's wishy washy.  Maybe she just broke up with a boyfriend, or maybe one just came back into the picture, or maybe she has another guy who she likes a little bit better than me.  This woman had a life before I met her, so I don't take it personally anymore when a woman isn't jumping up and down to go on a date with me.  Maybe she will in a couple of weeks, or a couple of months.  Only thing is that at that point MY pursuit of her is over.

I've had women that I got numbers from but didn't date call me out of the blue a couple months down the road with that "hey stranger" text. THAT's the advantage of exchanging numbers, sometimes they reach out to you out of the blue because they think, maybe I missed out on that guy.

[amygirl908]

21 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, ideally I like to exchange numbers.

I don't advocate throwing numbers away or deleting people, basically because I just met this person and there could be a million reasons why she's wishy washy.  Maybe she just broke up with a boyfriend, or maybe one just came back into the picture, or maybe she has another guy who she likes a little bit better than me.  This woman had a life before I met her, so I don't take it personally anymore when a woman isn't jumping up and down to go on a date with me.  Maybe she will in a couple of weeks, or a couple of months.  Only thing is that at that point MY pursuit of her is over.

I've had women that I got numbers from but didn't date call me out of the blue a couple months down the road with that "hey stranger" text. THAT's the advantage of exchanging numbers, sometimes they reach out to you out of the blue because they think, maybe I missed out on that guy.

This ^^^^

Why do people have to immediately be interested or overly enthusiastic for us to think that they're into us and want to date us? We are so quick to discard someone over some small perceived slight. It's a part of the getting to know each other process and we shouldn't be so quick to give up on someone or make a judgement. Just because someone had a life or plans before they meet us doesn't mean that they aren't interested.

[tokidoki]

Personally, i think the dilemma between giving her my number/getting hers is moot. I can get in touch with her again if I want to, just not via ‘text message’ but it’s the same difference.

She wasn’t available at the time  I asked, and we’re in lockdown and the weather’s s***ty, and she expects the man to chase. She’s not long out of a breakup, either. Aside from that, I’ve got no impression that she’s not interested.

sure, I could be all ‘manly’ and keep messaging her and take the lead and all that, or I could give her a degree of space for now and allow her attitude towards me to develop over a short while, until such time as the conditions are a bit more optimal to date, rather than rushing it. 
 

it’s an insecure person who does that, and there are probably loads of over-eager dudes clamoring to spend time with her cos it’s ‘assertive’ and ‘manly’. I think relaxed patience is far more attractive in people and if you really think about it, you’re probably more emotionally responsive to that anyway.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

 there are probably loads of over-eager dudes clamoring to spend time with her 

Ok, just step away and date more available women who are more ready willing able and eager to date you.

It's tough with covid and all but it's better than cuing up for someone who seems indifferent.

[tokidoki]

Yeah - this girl is very beautiful and I liked her vibe. I could bust a nut now while it’s highly likely she’s not totally ready to date again, and at best I’m a ‘distraction’ kinda guy...

 

....or, I stay assured that I made a good enough impression that somewhere down the line, I can ask again and she’ll be good to go.

 

Plant a seed, and let it grow

[dramafreezone]

On 2/8/2021 at 4:40 AM, davidsonramirez said:

Personally, i think the dilemma between giving her my number/getting hers is moot. I can get in touch with her again if I want to, just not via ‘text message’ but it’s the same difference.

She wasn’t available at the time  I asked, and we’re in lockdown and the weather’s s***ty, and she expects the man to chase. She’s not long out of a breakup, either. Aside from that, I’ve got no impression that she’s not interested.

sure, I could be all ‘manly’ and keep messaging her and take the lead and all that, or I could give her a degree of space for now and allow her attitude towards me to develop over a short while, until such time as the conditions are a bit more optimal to date, rather than rushing it. 
 

it’s an insecure person who does that, and there are probably loads of over-eager dudes clamoring to spend time with her cos it’s ‘assertive’ and ‘manly’. I think relaxed patience is far more attractive in people and if you really think about it, you’re probably more emotionally responsive to that anyway.

 

 

The man has to pursue at the beginning.  But if she's lukewarm, there's nothing to lose by backing off.  And you're right, there are tons of men that are drowning her in texts.

I think you have the right idea.  Pursuing has to be done, but can be overdone if it creeps the woman out or makes her think that you don't have any other options. 

Maybe whenever she's further removed from the relationship and you run into her again, things will be different.  I think timing has more to do with whether or not a woman would be open to dating you more than anything else. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[tokidoki]

OK well here's an update:-

end of last week I messaged her saying 'weather looks a bit better next weekend - are you back in town for that coffee?', she said she was in town and down to meet. I gave her a time and a place and the date was set. See ya then.

Tuesday she messages me - 'I'm going back to my hometown again but I'm free tomorrow'

'OK, I'm working in the morning but should be clear in the afternoon - She says she's seeing her friend in the afternoon...I say OK what about the evening (not sure why she would tell me she's free tomorrow if she isn't (bear in mind it's lockdown, nothing to do in the evenings)), and she tells me 'she'll keep me posted'.

Next morning I told her OK look, I can see you today but if we can't make plans now let's just leave it for another time (not sitting around in a state of uncertainty)

She says again 'OK well I'm seeing her at 1....I'll let you know afterwards', and I just didn't reply. 

Later on she messages 'Sorry I'm being so long, I have to stay these sides now' (i.e. I can't meet).

 

I just said 'OK, well a rainy wednesday isn't really ideal anyway. We can find another day or just leave it. You can be real though. I'm not the type to take it personally'

She said 'OK, I'm a bit here and there atm but I'm sure we'll make it work in the next couple of weeks'.

And I said 'that's fair, just call me when you're ready and we'll see what the vibe is then'.

I'm not sure what to make of it. My gut instinct is that she is interested, but nervous. Seems like she may have had a clingy/controlling partner before and is vetting me for similar behaviour. Definitely playing hard to get,which is fine. It is unattractive when people are too available, but it's a fine line between playing hard to get and playing a game.

I've done all the chasing i can now. Not doing anymore. She can call me if she is keen.

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

On 1/13/2021 at 4:44 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

$5 she won’t contact and you’ll cave and contact her instead 

Where is my money. Anyway, sorry. She doesn’t sound interested. At least you took the initiative and found out. I do hope you take the advice that some have given you in the thread about never putting the ball in the girl’s court. Guys are given such a huge advantage in that you guys “supposed to” chase and get the ball going..  yet you guys complain about it or try to shirk it because some women aren’t interested (not you specifically, just meaning in general) . 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

I can't speak to her interest level---honestly she is hesitant for whatever reason, IMO.  But I think you handled it perfectly.  It's like planting seeds.  Let's say she just unavailable emotionally at the moment, well then you are doing and saying the right things for her to consider it in the future.  Keeping it neutral & intriguing enough, without being desperate IMO.

Ball is in her court now.  I think treat her like a friend if things come up about how you mutually know each other--like if something comes up in 4-6 months that organically you would tell a friend. Do that with no expectations.  If you haven't heard from her by then, I mean.  Fingers crossed that you will hear from her before then.

[tokidoki]

On 2/18/2021 at 12:03 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Where is my money. Anyway, sorry. She doesn’t sound interested. At least you took the initiative and found out. I do hope you take the advice that some have given you in the thread about never putting the ball in the girl’s court. Guys are given such a huge advantage in that you guys “supposed to” chase and get the ball going..  yet you guys complain about it or try to shirk it because some women aren’t interested (not you specifically, just meaning in general) . 

lol tbh, I don't think I ever 'tossed it back into her court' - I just said 'OK, let me know when you've got your schedule figured out'. Would you reeeeally rather someone said 'No, set a date with me right now. I'm a man you're the woman'. Also, that was in response to her plans being up in the air. It was a month later that I asked again, and she seemed keen. I don't think it's about 'refusing to chase' - you've misinterpreted that. It's about knowing when to chase and when to back off. 

Also, this time, I gave her an opportunity to tell me point blank if she wasn't interested. She could have said something as simple as 'I'm not in a good place to date at the moment' or 'I need to work on myself'. All very acceptable rejections that I would have no problem with. Instead, she said 'I am just a bit here and there but I'm sure we'll make it work i the next few weeks'. A weak man gets frustrated and sulky, or pushy. A confident relaxed man understands and doesn't take it personaly.

I reckon in the next month or so she'll text me. Watch this space.