Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 I’ve been with my fiancé for a year and a half and am currently 8 months pregnant with my first child by him. He is the kindest, most generous and sweetest man I’ve ever dated. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been with. Our relationship is 95% perfect but he’s a struggling alcoholic who has recently gotten himself into some serious legal trouble and will be going to jail very soon and could possibly do a lot of time locked up. I want more than anything to be with him and wish we could avoid this. I’m not sure if I should wait for him to get out? Should I leave him and move on? If not, how can I support him while he is in there? Is there any hope to save our relationship? How can this affect our son? Just need advice because my life is currently turned upside down and could use outside perspectives Link to post Share on other sites
Yogaxoxo Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Leave. You will not regret Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 I want him to get help and stop drinking. He wants to get help and stop drinking and get his family back. He is a good person and only recently relapsed after years of sobriety. I don’t want my child to grow up in a broken home and I don’t want to lose my fiancé. He is the love of my life Link to post Share on other sites
Yogaxoxo Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 I understand. I fully believe he is a great person. I still stand firm but I understand it’s not easy Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 18 minutes ago, Hols said: he’s a struggling alcoholic who has recently gotten himself into some serious legal trouble and will be going to jail very soon and could possibly do a lot of time locked up Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you have supportive friends and family. Do you work? Do you live together? Keep in mind he won't be able to contribute in any way to you or your child. He'll probably want visitors, money, perks,etc. but will have nothing to offer. He may dry out in prison, but he'll come out a changed man, but not for the better. It's probably better to get your life in order to be a single parent. If you hang on to someone like this you may not meet anyone else. You're underestimating the negative impact this will have now and in the future. He probably won't get decent work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 Yes we both work and yes we live together. I and both of our families are trying to get him into rehab instead of prison. And even if he is gone for a substantial period of time, I have zero interest in looking for anyone new to be with. My only focus will be my son and myself. But I want to be open to the idea of my fiancé becoming and better person and us continuing the life we have been building together Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Go to Al-Anon meetings. They are a support group for people who love addicts. They will help you look at everything & figure out what's best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 I am definitely looking into that. I have no history of addiction with anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t understand it in any way. I do know that he wants to make changes necessary to better himself and I want to support him as much as possible Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 I still just don’t know if I should wait and give him the chance to prove himself and get help. I want that more than anything but I don’t want this to happen again. Has anyone been through a similar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 4 hours ago, Hols said: I am definitely looking into that. I have no history of addiction with anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t understand it in any way. I do know that he wants to make changes necessary to better himself and I want to support him as much as possible You definitely need the education you will get at Al Anon. They will also teach you the difference between being supportive & being an enabler. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 His mom and I are going to attend together so that we can understand him better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Good. I'm happy for your baby that the baby will still have the grandparents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 Well there is no certainty that he will go to jail for very long. Still a good possibility of probation or rehab for him. We all want him to get help and prison doesn’t do that for people Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Whether he's incarcerated or not, you still need Al-Anon for your child's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 Agreed. We are going to do that. He has already volunteered to buy a portable breathalyzer that I can use on him at any time, we have talked about going to AA and marriage counseling together. He seems sincere in wanting to get help to be a better version of himself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 I’m just confused and being pregnant makes this all harder. My thoughts are all over the place and I just don’t want to get hurt again. Plus one of the hardest obstacles of all of this will be my family as they want me to end the relationship but they are just being protective Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 8 minutes ago, Hols said: Plus one of the hardest obstacles of all of this will be my family as they want me to end the relationship but they are just being protective Perhaps you should suspend it until he's out. Your family will have to be there for you and your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 They don’t know that I am communicating with him right now. And if he does go, I wouldn’t tell them. But he is the father of my child, we have to maintain some sort of contact Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 35 minutes ago, Hols said: We all want him to get help and prison doesn’t do that for people Maybe prison is the best thing for him. Sounds like your fiancé needs a good shock to reality. How long will he be in jail? Also I do not believe your life was 95% heaven with an alcoholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 I’m not sure how long. Could be a year, it could be 3 years. It all depends on his attorney. And we had a great relationship, we were best friends, he cooked dinner for me every night and spoiled me, no cheating, no arguments, we are so much alike that it’s like he’s the make version of me. The only issue was the drinking. And it wasn’t that he drank every single day all the time and was drunk at all times. He would be sober for weeks or months and then drink to excess and just get in trouble outside of our relationship Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Ok so if he is going to prison for a first offence he must have done something pretty serious, or is this not his first offence? What is his crime? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 He has been in probation for 5 years. With no problems. But this time he got into a fight with my brother and my brother filed charges on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 What was he on probation for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 His friend got into a bar fight and he jumped in to help and hurt another guy pretty bad Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hols Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 1 minute ago, Hols said: His friend got into a bar fight and he jumped in to help and hurt another guy pretty bad This was about 5 years before we ever met. And he hadn’t been in trouble since. He was sober for 4 years after that too Link to post Share on other sites
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