Author acapelo_dp Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 12 hours ago, World Peace Guy said: You could try inviting him for a visit a day before, and tell him in that invitation that you want to give him an invitation to your wedding, but are worried about stuff, so you want to see him the before inviting him. In hindsight that is a good idea however I feel like I will be busy with last minute wedding details and my parents will be staying with me as well during that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 14 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Yeah, that is the last thing you need on your wedding day. Anyone telling you that you should do this to yourself on your wedding day, which is supposed to be YOUR special day, is giving you terrible advice. If it gives you anxiety and makes you unhappy, then don't do it. It makes no sense to put the feelings of others above your own when it comes to your own wedding, a time when you are supposed to be focusing on YOUR own happiness. You are allowed to put your needs first. Inviting someone who gives you anxiety is essentially risking ruining your wedding. That is absolutely ridiculous. Thank you. I just don't want to have any extra anxiety for my wedding and like I mentioned, if he hasn't even congratulated me or reached out when I got engaged I would question his interest in my life. I don't want people there as guests who feel obligated to be there because they are "family", either. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) Regarding your wedding, I think you should make the choice that you are most comfortable with, whatever that is, because you're the one who's going to have to live with the outcome of that choice. I get the sense that constantly reaching out and getting snubbed hurts you deeply. That takes a toll in the long term. I wouldn't blame you if you decided you didn't want to subject yourself to that kind of pain anymore. I also get the sense that you would feel guilty if you didn't invite him and it turned out that something negative had happened to him. I wouldn't blame you if you decided you never wanted to feel that kind of guilt. It's not an easy decision. Nobody has the right to make it for you. Figure out what is kindest to you and do it. And then in the future, when the wedding is behind you, if you still don't know what is going on with your brother and that continues to concern you, there is something you could do: if you have the time, energy, resources, and inclination, you could pay a PI in his city to find him and find out what is happening to him. You may find out he's living an okay life and has simply chosen to forget you all. In that case, you can leave him alone and be at peace with that decision. Alternatively, you may learn that he is struggling and needs help but feels unable to ask for it. In that case, you can offer to help him. Finding out once and for all can help you make some important decisions about how to live your life going forward. Edited February 8, 2021 by Acacia98 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) all I see is your brother was damaged, destroyed and sad by your mom death and he kind of judge you both for being far away from dear mom when she died! So he avoided you because in his heart, you weren't there when she died! and now you don't want to invite him for your wedding just because you two don't talk that much ( oh well, you live far away anyway!) He is in pain he is not like you celebrating life and being happy with your new life He is in pain and didn't get over it! He is not like you! But sure don't invite him, delude yourself that your bf family is truly your own and exclude him! Edited March 7, 2021 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted March 8, 2021 Author Share Posted March 8, 2021 On 3/6/2021 at 6:44 PM, Noproblem said: all I see is your brother was damaged, destroyed and sad by your mom death and he kind of judge you both for being far away from dear mom when she died! So he avoided you because in his heart, you weren't there when she died! and now you don't want to invite him for your wedding just because you two don't talk that much ( oh well, you live far away anyway!) He is in pain he is not like you celebrating life and being happy with your new life He is in pain and didn't get over it! He is not like you! But sure don't invite him, delude yourself that your bf family is truly your own and exclude him! Wow, what an assumptuious and aggressive response. If you actually took the time to read my original post you would know that I reached out to him many times, wanting to know even his phone number, how he was doing, if he needed support, more about his life. I got nothing in return and no interest. You are right, I wasnt there when my mother died. I called her three days before she passed and told her I was booking a flight right away. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her like my brother did in person. Not to mention my brother didn't show up for her burial that my father and I attended. You bet your ass I consider my fiances family my own. They have accepted me as their own and treated me like gold. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 On 2/8/2021 at 1:54 PM, acapelo_dp said: Thank you. I just don't want to have any extra anxiety for my wedding and like I mentioned, if he hasn't even congratulated me or reached out when I got engaged I would question his interest in my life. I don't want people there as guests who feel obligated to be there because they are "family", either. It sucks when people aren't as excited about your wedding as you are but it happens. How he feels about attending or not, isn't on you. Stop letting this dominate your thoughts on what should be a joyful occasion. Make the decision to invite him. It's the right thing to do as you acknowledged when you admitted you would feel bad if he died & you hadn't invited him. He's an adult. He will be just fine in a hotel. Plus you guys probably need that buffer, at least you do, & that is OK. The inner circle gets to be people you want there who want to be there, not obligations by an accident of birth. Once you agree to send out the invite you honestly don't have to waste one more second on him. Do make sure your photographer knows to include him in 1-2 family photos but beyond that his presence or absence is a non-event. When you stop giving him soooo much power you will feel much lighter & can concentrate on the important stuff. Again, best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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