Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[tart6245]

5 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

The most difficult thing is that no matter how hard i keep telling myself to let the hope go, it doesnt go, still sits in the back of my head which drives me crazy, i think its because everything happened so fast and maybe im still shocked as i didnt see it coming, i always thought that she is the type of person that will tell me about all her problems etc. + there are also things that she told my friend that she did not loose her feelings for me and she knows she might regret it, all of this doesnt help with lettting the hope go, its funny because i know i cant think like this but cant help it. I think i will try to date someone else next month or something maybe that will help, not creating another relationship but just to meet with other woman

I would avoid checking in on her through other people as best you can. Even if she's struggling, she chose to walk out on you. She made the choice not to work on things. 

As for dating, we all have our own timelines. If you feel ready in a month to meet new people, go for it. Be aware that sometimes going out with a new person makes you miss your ex even more because you will compare the new person to your ex. 

[JAKE022]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

I would avoid checking in on her through other people as best you can. Even if she's struggling, she chose to walk out on you. She made the choice not to work on things. 

As for dating, we all have our own timelines. If you feel ready in a month to meet new people, go for it. Be aware that sometimes going out with a new person makes you miss your ex even more because you will compare the new person to your ex. 

Yes i wouldnt do it but i had to give her back few things so i sent my friend as i dodnt want to meet her again and again and he is my best friend so he came to our home very often so they started talking and he than told me everything she said i think i didnt want to hear it it made me feel worse, so now im avoiding any type of contact, i found few of her socks and notebook in my bags but i just put it away not told her about it because i dont want to see her now, the worst thing is that i know i still left some of my jewellery at her apt and she knows this too so i dont know what to do with, i sont want to see her even for 1 minute because i know im not ready for it, would probably cry like a b**** again in front of her. And yeah im afraid of comparing new girls to her, she is really my type 100% curvy body with preety baby face and even now when i look on tinder i only look for girls who look close to that lol

[tart6245]

I hope you are able to get all your things. The more you keep going back or having people bring stuff to you, the more it will make you think about her. You shouldn't even think about seeing her in the future. You made an attempt at patching things up and she rejected it, so you have to move forward and live as if you will never see her again. If you have things still at her place you need, have someone get them for you and then be done with it. You are going to be stuck in limbo otherwise. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/11/2021 at 6:47 PM, JAKE022 said:

 And yeah im afraid of comparing new girls to her, she is really my type 100% curvy body with preety baby face and even now when i look on tinder i only look for girls who look close to that lol

Don't even bother with Tinder yet. 

When you're more emotionally detached and further out of this break-up, you will begin to notice other women again in a positive way. 

[Cheryl123]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't even bother with Tinder yet. 

When you're more emotionally detached and further out of this break-up, you will begin to notice other women again in a positive way. 

You're posts have really helped me today when reading them. i myself fell into an unhealthy obsession and although the advice given to me was straight forward, I did not accept it and allowed myself to get offended that people were sticking up for him and not me. It made me feel that everyone was on his side and against me by telling me we weren't compatible. I am tempted at times to log onto Tinder but instead I read your posts and realize in time, it will be easier to put my situation in the past and date. I also haven't communicated that I'm over this guy completely so how can I expect others to see this. So thank you! 

[JAKE022]

On 2/12/2021 at 4:34 PM, tart6245 said:

I hope you are able to get all your things. The more you keep going back or having people bring stuff to you, the more it will make you think about her. You shouldn't even think about seeing her in the future. You made an attempt at patching things up and she rejected it, so you have to move forward and live as if you will never see her again. If you have things still at her place you need, have someone get them for you and then be done with it. You are going to be stuck in limbo otherwise. 

I think i will give up on the jewerlly i have left there, its not worth another sleepless night, unless she wants to talk about reconciliation i dont want to see her at least not anytime soon. Last few days were really hard, i dont know why but good memories with her hit me very hard,our trips , vacation or just everyday things we used to do and connection we had, i just realized how much i really miss her and how much she hurt me and now i think that in few months i might not even want to think about her coming back because of how much pain she has caused me just like you have mentioned before i will probably look at this from different perspective in some time

[tart6245]

On 2/13/2021 at 11:32 AM, JAKE022 said:

I think i will give up on the jewerlly i have left there, its not worth another sleepless night, unless she wants to talk about reconciliation i dont want to see her at least not anytime soon. Last few days were really hard, i dont know why but good memories with her hit me very hard,our trips , vacation or just everyday things we used to do and connection we had, i just realized how much i really miss her and how much she hurt me and now i think that in few months i might not even want to think about her coming back because of how much pain she has caused me just like you have mentioned before i will probably look at this from different perspective in some time

You're going through the stages of grief like many of us. I felt more pain weeks after the initial breakup than I did when I was in a state of shock. Even when you think about all of the good times, you need to remember that she walked out on you and said she had no interest in trying to fix the issues you both had. In a few months, yes, you will look at things differently and notice the negative things about her that right now you are ignoring. You shouldn't plan to see her ever again or even think about it. If she tries to talk to you in the future, you can decide on how you want to handle it. You may not even want to talk to her in 6 months time. 

[JAKE022]

23 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

You're going through the stages of grief like many of us. I felt more pain weeks after the initial breakup than I did when I was in a state of shock. Even when you think about all of the good times, you need to remember that she walked out on you and said she had no interest in trying to fix the issues you both had. In a few months, yes, you will look at things differently and notice the negative things about her that right now you are ignoring. You shouldn't plan to see her ever again or even think about it. If she tries to talk to you in the future, you can decide on how you want to handle it. You may not even want to talk to her in 6 months time. 

Right, i even start to think that she might have left me for someone else because that would make more sense to me, that would be a hard blow if this was the truth however i have no evidence of it and all other stuff that happened is against it but i know that she went for a trip with someone and i know it wasnt her friends, only guesswork, we will see in some time . I remember i told myself that i would not drink during another breakup ( i started to drink heavy after my last relationship and i was total mess) but some days like yesterday i had such a bad day that i could only grab a bottle of vodka and drink it all, literally nothing else helped ... i try not to make it everyday but i cant see other way as all my friends are busy, gyms are closed, i can go for a walk but it lasts about 1-2 hrs because its too cold outside, i have no energy to watch any movies or play games, i never thought i will be mentally in worse spot than i was during my last break up but here i am ! 

[tart6245]

On 2/14/2021 at 3:52 PM, JAKE022 said:

Right, i even start to think that she might have left me for someone else because that would make more sense to me, that would be a hard blow if this was the truth however i have no evidence of it and all other stuff that happened is against it but i know that she went for a trip with someone and i know it wasnt her friends, only guesswork, we will see in some time . I remember i told myself that i would not drink during another breakup ( i started to drink heavy after my last relationship and i was total mess) but some days like yesterday i had such a bad day that i could only grab a bottle of vodka and drink it all, literally nothing else helped ... i try not to make it everyday but i cant see other way as all my friends are busy, gyms are closed, i can go for a walk but it lasts about 1-2 hrs because its too cold outside, i have no energy to watch any movies or play games, i never thought i will be mentally in worse spot than i was during my last break up but here i am ! 

She went for a trip with someone that wasn't her friend? 

Either way, it's irrelevant what she is doing now. She left you then told you at a later date that she did not want to fix anything. There is nothing more you can do. You gave it your all. It's really hard. I am going through it myself. All I can say is try to occupy yourself with friends as best you can. It doesn't help we are still in the middle of the pandemic and socializing isn't easy with things shutdown. I'm sure both of us will get through this one way or another. It will take time and there isn't anything wrong with not being perfect right now. Give yourself time to grief the loss and learn from the mistakes. That's what I'm doing and trying to better myself every day that I can. 

[JAKE022]

12 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

She went for a trip with someone that wasn't her friend? 

Either way, it's irrelevant what she is doing now. She left you then told you at a later date that she did not want to fix anything. There is nothing more you can do. You gave it your all. It's really hard. I am going through it myself. All I can say is try to occupy yourself with friends as best you can. It doesn't help we are still in the middle of the pandemic and socializing isn't easy with things shutdown. I'm sure both of us will get through this one way or another. It will take time and there isn't anything wrong with not being perfect right now. Give yourself time to grief the loss and learn from the mistakes. That's what I'm doing and trying to better myself every day that I can. 

Well i dont really know with who exactly but im sure she didnt go with her closest friends and more i think about it the more i think there could be someone else , of course i dont have any evidence so its just me, i can be totally wrong and i hope i am because this would mean that she was never the person i thought she was and she cheated so i assume there was no cheating etc but yeah like you have said - it doesnt matter . Yeah i think we will go throught it sooner than we think now just need to clear our minds from all those memories and other „woulda shoulda coulda” stuff 

[tart6245]

51 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Well i dont really know with who exactly but im sure she didnt go with her closest friends and more i think about it the more i think there could be someone else , of course i dont have any evidence so its just me, i can be totally wrong and i hope i am because this would mean that she was never the person i thought she was and she cheated so i assume there was no cheating etc but yeah like you have said - it doesnt matter . Yeah i think we will go throught it sooner than we think now just need to clear our minds from all those memories and other „woulda shoulda coulda” stuff 

Yes, it doesn't matter anymore. If she did cheat on you, maybe it would make it easier for you to move on, but you may never know if she did or didn't and you should not try to contact her to find out. 

Either way, she wasn't the person you thought she was because she walked out on you instead of working through whatever issues were hurting your relationship. If it's anything like my experience, you were probably told she would never leave you and then she did. 

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, tart6245 said:

Yes, it doesn't matter anymore. If she did cheat on you, maybe it would make it easier for you to move on, but you may never know if she did or didn't and you should not try to contact her to find out. 

Either way, she wasn't the person you thought she was because she walked out on you instead of working through whatever issues were hurting your relationship. If it's anything like my experience, you were probably told she would never leave you and then she did. 

Exactly what i thought ! Trust was there, connection was there we were the best friends and lovers, sex was amazing everytime, i knew that covid fatigue started to knock into our lifes and all other things that were stressing her like jobs and university but i was always 100% sure that its only a phase and we will get through it right because we love each other from the moon and back right ? Well as we can see i was the only one who thought like this, i have seen this many times with people at my age - some of them does not want to fix anything they just give up on each other, they have tinder , they have tons of other people in their DMs waiting for an opportunity to get her/him on a date so why would people waste their time to fix anything right ? 3 years ? Naaah f*** that lol 

[tart6245]

20 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Exactly what i thought ! Trust was there, connection was there we were the best friends and lovers, sex was amazing everytime, i knew that covid fatigue started to knock into our lifes and all other things that were stressing her like jobs and university but i was always 100% sure that its only a phase and we will get through it right because we love each other from the moon and back right ? Well as we can see i was the only one who thought like this, i have seen this many times with people at my age - some of them does not want to fix anything they just give up on each other, they have tinder , they have tons of other people in their DMs waiting for an opportunity to get her/him on a date so why would people waste their time to fix anything right ? 3 years ? Naaah f*** that lol 

You're right. It's impossible to know what anyone's ex is thinking, but they made the choice to leave the relationship and find someone new rather than invest anymore energy into it. Maybe it's easier for them to do that. I don't know what my ex is doing these days. It seemed so easy for her to walk away from me after all the time we invested into each other and that is just something I may never understand. 

[JAKE022]

13 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

You're right. It's impossible to know what anyone's ex is thinking, but they made the choice to leave the relationship and find someone new rather than invest anymore energy into it. Maybe it's easier for them to do that. I don't know what my ex is doing these days. It seemed so easy for her to walk away from me after all the time we invested into each other and that is just something I may never understand. 

Probably they think its easier to give up, which i dont understand , unless the relationship was toxic or other partner was abusing or neglecting her or him, but it was not the case in our situation, however i would not assume it was easy for them to walk away, it may seem like it was but i have seen that my ex was hurt and than again my friend seen her and said that she looks sad and devastated, your ex might be in the same mood now but you did not have any connection with her after that ( which is good of course)- which blows my mind again because if i would feel like this after breaking up i wouldnt do it , it means something at least thats what i think, maybe she chose career over relationship and thats why maybe it was something else i may never know the whole truth but it doesnt matter because in both cases they chose and need to face the consequences same as we are. I dont believe that your ex is not hurt looking at for how long you guys been together, unless she is really cruel or psychopath lol

[tart6245]

28 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Probably they think its easier to give up, which i dont understand , unless the relationship was toxic or other partner was abusing or neglecting her or him, but it was not the case in our situation, however i would not assume it was easy for them to walk away, it may seem like it was but i have seen that my ex was hurt and than again my friend seen her and said that she looks sad and devastated, your ex might be in the same mood now but you did not have any connection with her after that ( which is good of course)- which blows my mind again because if i would feel like this after breaking up i wouldnt do it , it means something at least thats what i think, maybe she chose career over relationship and thats why maybe it was something else i may never know the whole truth but it doesnt matter because in both cases they chose and need to face the consequences same as we are. I dont believe that your ex is not hurt looking at for how long you guys been together, unless she is really cruel or psychopath lol

I'm sure she is/was hurting. I know when she left she said she was going before she started crying. I still cannot understand why she had to do what she did though, and I have no answers and have not tried to get any from her. Like you said we never had big event where it seemed like things were over. We had fought more in the last month or so that we were together, but every relationship goes through a rough patch sometimes. I never suspected she was going to leave me and she assured me she was all in on our relationship. I trusted her that if she was unhappy, she would tell me, but my theory is she left because she felt I was not happy with her and I would eventually break up with her. 

All of that was wrong and I had no plans to ever leave her, but now she is gone, a 2021 engagement is off the table, and I don't know what to do next. 

[JAKE022]

31 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I'm sure she is/was hurting. I know when she left she said she was going before she started crying. I still cannot understand why she had to do what she did though, and I have no answers and have not tried to get any from her. Like you said we never had big event where it seemed like things were over. We had fought more in the last month or so that we were together, but every relationship goes through a rough patch sometimes. I never suspected she was going to leave me and she assured me she was all in on our relationship. I trusted her that if she was unhappy, she would tell me, but my theory is she left because she felt I was not happy with her and I would eventually break up with her. 

All of that was wrong and I had no plans to ever leave her, but now she is gone, a 2021 engagement is off the table, and I don't know what to do next. 

Exactly the same, i think some people have different views on what relationships should look like, some will jump from one long term to another for the rest of their lifes and some will fight and work on one relationship, me for example i treat it like a car if i like it and it drives than great - sometimes it breaks down but than you take a look at what the problem is and fix it than it works again etc it feels unreal i bet you experience similar feelings now, maybe one day they will realize that they regret it, maybe not. I also dont know what to do really, i wanted to spend my whole life with that girl and made all my plans around our relationship and its now all gone and we have to think about ourselves now only and lets see what future will bring, if i dont get back with her i know i will be much wiser in my next relationship and i bet you too, 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Exactly the same, i think some people have different views on what relationships should look like, some will jump from one long term to another for the rest of their lifes and some will fight and work on one relationship, me for example i treat it like a car if i like it and it drives than great - sometimes it breaks down but than you take a look at what the problem is and fix it than it works again etc it feels unreal i bet you experience similar feelings now, maybe one day they will realize that they regret it, maybe not. I also dont know what to do really, i wanted to spend my whole life with that girl and made all my plans around our relationship and its now all gone and we have to think about ourselves now only and lets see what future will bring, if i dont get back with her i know i will be much wiser in my next relationship and i bet you too, 

I am moving on as if she is gone forever. The things I am working through now are for me and will make me better for the next relationship. Whether my ex has any regrets is unknown to me. All I know is she has not said anything to me for over 6 weeks. I'm not saying that I have given up all hope yet, but i don't want to find myself living on the hope that she will realize we are meant to be and come back. I know as time goes by, that feeling will start to go away. 

I wanted to spend my life with my ex too. I wish I had let her know that more during our relationship. I'm sure it is too late now, but somedays I want to tell her that even if it ends with her ignoring me or telling me she's happier with me gone 

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I am moving on as if she is gone forever. The things I am working through now are for me and will make me better for the next relationship. Whether my ex has any regrets is unknown to me. All I know is she has not said anything to me for over 6 weeks. I'm not saying that I have given up all hope yet, but i don't want to find myself living on the hope that she will realize we are meant to be and come back. I know as time goes by, that feeling will start to go away. 

I wanted to spend my life with my ex too. I wish I had let her know that more during our relationship. I'm sure it is too late now, but somedays I want to tell her that even if it ends with her ignoring me or telling me she's happier with me gone 

Me too i try to not stick to the hope of getting her back and focus on myself, this is also probably one of the worst times for a break up, i dont know how it is in your area but at mine everything is closed, everything, so there is nowhere to go or spend time, work out , meet new people, the only activity you can do is go for a trip or go for a walk, i can guarantee you that if we survive it mentally ( and we will) than nothing will ever break us down again and i try to stick with hope of that 

[JAKE022]

And yeah i would say that if you will feel the same about telling her that in some time when you heal completely than tell her that , you will have nothing to loose anymore, and maybe you will feel kind of a relief, i know i will do it if my feelings wont change, but only when im healed completely 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Me too i try to not stick to the hope of getting her back and focus on myself, this is also probably one of the worst times for a break up, i dont know how it is in your area but at mine everything is closed, everything, so there is nowhere to go or spend time, work out , meet new people, the only activity you can do is go for a trip or go for a walk, i can guarantee you that if we survive it mentally ( and we will) than nothing will ever break us down again and i try to stick with hope of that 

This is not a great time to be left alone, you're right. Things are somewhat open here, but it's still difficult to go out and live like I once lived. I have been on lots of walks and spent time with friends as safely as possible. It helps, but I still have not forgotten or felt like myself. I know I probably won't for a long time and that's normal. I need to let myself heal and work through the pain and loss I suffered. 

[tart6245]

12 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

And yeah i would say that if you will feel the same about telling her that in some time when you heal completely than tell her that , you will have nothing to loose anymore, and maybe you will feel kind of a relief, i know i will do it if my feelings wont change, but only when im healed completely 

I may get to the point where trying to tell her how I feel is worth it over remaining quiet and wondering if we would ever get back together. It may hurt me a lot at first but if she told me we had no future and she did not miss me, maybe it would help me let go and move on faster knowing there is nothing else to hold on to. 

[JAKE022]

42 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

This is not a great time to be left alone, you're right. Things are somewhat open here, but it's still difficult to go out and live like I once lived. I have been on lots of walks and spent time with friends as safely as possible. It helps, but I still have not forgotten or felt like myself. I know I probably won't for a long time and that's normal. I need to let myself heal and work through the pain and loss I suffered. 

Same here bro, walks and friends is what keeps me mentally alive, right after i finish my work i do at least 10 000 steps and then get back home, i lost like 5 kg over the month, funny thing is that even tho im kind of depressed and miserable i renew some old friendships, scheduled new date for a next weekend with very smart, highly educated women ( i told her that im looking for more of a friendship than relationship so she is cool with it) i lost some weight because of those long walks and i do my hobby more often, im somehow on an autopilot to be stronger and get better, however im more like an actor now than myself , we are going to get there sooner or later and will be laughing at that next year. I feel like we need to start loving ourselves again and be cool with loneliness.

[JAKE022]

39 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I may get to the point where trying to tell her how I feel is worth it over remaining quiet and wondering if we would ever get back together. It may hurt me a lot at first but if she told me we had no future and she did not miss me, maybe it would help me let go and move on faster knowing there is nothing else to hold on to. 

Yes, getting things out of your chest might help, i know it does in my case because in few months after that i will be sure that i did whatever i wanted and i did everything i could for this women to give this relationship another chance

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Same here bro, walks and friends is what keeps me mentally alive, right after i finish my work i do at least 10 000 steps and then get back home, i lost like 5 kg over the month, funny thing is that even tho im kind of depressed and miserable i renew some old friendships, scheduled new date for a next weekend with very smart, highly educated women ( i told her that im looking for more of a friendship than relationship so she is cool with it) i lost some weight because of those long walks and i do my hobby more often, im somehow on an autopilot to be stronger and get better, however im more like an actor now than myself , we are going to get there sooner or later and will be laughing at that next year. I feel like we need to start loving ourselves again and be cool with loneliness.

I'm sure we will survive and be stronger for it. I know I have been hard on myself, but my ex lost a good person with a good life and she, I thought, enjoyed her life with me. The failure of the relationship was not entirely my fault. It always takes two people to ruin a relationship unless there was cheating or lying or beatings involved, which my relationship had none of that I know of. 

Breakups are never easy to go through, but you always survive. If we are meant to be with our exes, we will find our way back to them in time. If not, there are others out there that will love and support us and want to be a part of our lives. 

[tart6245]

11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes, getting things out of your chest might help, i know it does in my case because in few months after that i will be sure that i did whatever i wanted and i did everything i could for this women to give this relationship another chance

Yes, that's what I think about sometimes. At least if I try, I will know I did all I could to show effort and show that I care, especially if part of the reason she left was thinking I would never marry her and always avoid the major steps of life. The worst thing that could happen is I am turned down. Nothing would change in that case. It would hurt, but at that point I would know I had nothing else I could do.