Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

January 19, 2021

Just now, Perdu said:

I once read a quote by some writer, that said " I love you not for whom you are, but who i am when i'm by your side". I do believe it is true, we love the way someone makes us feel about ourself.

Yes, exactly.

If someone truly loves you for you, then by that fact they should never fall out of love, because you will always be you. But again, that's very rare.

It's the reason why you can't ever stop making your GF or wife feel special. You can't ever stop dating her, because that's why she's with you, you make her feel a certain way. As soon as that stops, the love is gone.

We see it all the time, the guy gets comfortable in the relatinshnip, stops dating his GF, and then she loses interest. If she was really in love with you, she wouldn't lose interest. It was never really about you. It was about what you made her feel.

January 19, 2021

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Yes, exactly.

If someone truly loves you for you, then by that fact they should never fall out of love, because you will always be you. But again, that's very rare.

It's the reason why you can't ever stop making your GF or wife feel special. You can't ever stop dating her, because that's why she's with you, you make her feel a certain way. As soon as that stops, the love is gone.

We see it all the time, the guy gets comfortable in the relatinshnip, stops dating his GF, and then she loses interest. If she was really in love with you, she wouldn't lose interest. It was never really about you. It was about what you made her feel.

I think the same apply for guys, if the woman gets too comfortable and doesn't incites him anymore, he's losing interest and starts looking for another challenge.

January 19, 2021

4 minutes ago, Perdu said:

I think the same apply for guys, if the woman gets too comfortable and doesn't incites him anymore, he's losing interest and starts looking for another challenge.

Well i see relationships differently however i still kind of agree but it depends on many things. I guess we will wait and see in my case if she really stopped loving me, i will try to heal and become better person again

January 20, 2021

How old is she, OP?

January 20, 2021

9 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Well i see relationships differently however i still kind of agree but it depends on many things. I guess we will wait and see in my case if she really stopped loving me, i will try to heal and become better person again

What I am trying to say is that, in a committed and exclusive relationship, you get to a certain comfort zone, after some time, especially after moving in together. I don't know exactly when, and I don't think both partners get there in the exact same time, but I am sure it gets there eventually. And what is dangerous about that zone is that , even though it's comforting, one or both partners may feel a lack of interest, feel less excited and perceive themself as less happy or unhappy.They could be wishing to feel just like in the early stages of the relationship, when things were more "magical" and expect for the partner to provide them that feeling. People who have succesful relationships that last for decades (I'm not talking about just staying together out of laziness/fear or for the sake of the children) are the ones who succesfully manage to navigate through this comfort zone.

I am not saying that it is your fault or her fault or even that this is the case for your situation, but I agree with @ dramafreezone, that the "dating you partner" part should never stop. Otherwise, how can we expect for things to stay awsome in our relationship if we are not actively trying to keep them awsome.

January 20, 2021

43 minutes ago, Perdu said:

What I am trying to say is that, in a committed and exclusive relationship, you get to a certain comfort zone, after some time, especially after moving in together. I don't know exactly when, and I don't think both partners get there in the exact same time, but I am sure it gets there eventually. And what is dangerous about that zone is that , even though it's comforting, one or both partners may feel a lack of interest, feel less excited and perceive themself as less happy or unhappy.They could be wishing to feel just like in the early stages of the relationship, when things were more "magical" and expect for the partner to provide them that feeling. People who have succesful relationships that last for decades (I'm not talking about just staying together out of laziness/fear or for the sake of the children) are the ones who succesfully manage to navigate through this comfort zone.

I am not saying that it is your fault or her fault or even that this is the case for your situation, but I agree with @ dramafreezone, that the "dating you partner" part should never stop. Otherwise, how can we expect for things to stay awsome in our relationship if we are not actively trying to keep them awsome.

Yes you are right, because of lockdown, too much work on her side and stress we basically stopped dating for at least 1 or 2 months, i think this is why she lost her interest and we never talked about it, I started to think about any solutions to this, but i think it was too late, there was not enough time for us to start dating again... she was so overwhelmed with life at that moment, but i still can’t believe that love of my life left because of this, 1-2 months of not dating should not put a relationship to the end, as for me there is always things like commitment and loyalty, also i never seen any sign from her that she is not happy , i could see love in her eyes and in her actions towards me even hours before she told me she wants to leave, all of this could be avoided easly if we only talked about our issues.. i have big problem with accepting it, I genuinely want to get back with her

January 20, 2021

14 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes you are right, because of lockdown, too much work on her side and stress we basically stopped dating for at least 1 or 2 months, i think this is why she lost her interest and we never talked about it, I started to think about any solutions to this, but i think it was too late, there was not enough time for us to start dating again... she was so overwhelmed with life at that moment, but i still can’t believe that love of my life left because of this, 1-2 months of not dating should not put a relationship to the end, as for me there is always things like commitment and loyalty, also i never seen any sign from her that she is not happy , i could see love in her eyes and in her actions towards me even hours before she told me she wants to leave, all of this could be avoided easly if we only talked about our issues.. i have big problem with accepting it, I genuinely want to get back with her

I know from personal experience that it's very hard to accept it, because you still love her and this seems out of the blue for you, but there's nothing you can do right now but wait and keep your distance. Ruminating over it won't help you feel better, especially during lockdown. Try to focus on something else, like chatting to friends/work/studying/movies/reading/physical exercise/meditation, whatever works for you.

January 20, 2021

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

i still can’t believe that love of my life left because of this, 1-2 months of not dating should not put a relationship to the end, as for me there is always things like commitment and loyalty, also i never seen any sign from her that she is not happy

Exactly.

That's how you know she was already slowly sliding out of the relationship, unfortunately.

January 20, 2021

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How old is she, OP?

She is 24 , im 25

January 20, 2021

3 hours ago, Perdu said:

I know from personal experience that it's very hard to accept it, because you still love her and this seems out of the blue for you, but there's nothing you can do right now but wait and keep your distance. Ruminating over it won't help you feel better, especially during lockdown. Try to focus on something else, like chatting to friends/work/studying/movies/reading/physical exercise/meditation, whatever works for you.

I wish it was that easy, i will keep the distance for sure but we going to meet on saturday to talk and then i will still have to pick up some of my clothes and other stuff from her apartment, i can stop contacting her only after that, i feel like its going to be very long process for me to heal from that specially when everything is closed in my city so i dont have many options to spend time alone and meeting friends from time to time (they are all in relationships so i they are not available all the time like few years ago)

January 20, 2021

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

I wish it was that easy, i will keep the distance for sure but we going to meet on saturday to talk and then i will still have to pick up some of my clothes and other stuff from her apartment, i can stop contacting her only after that, i feel like its going to be very long process for me to heal from that specially when everything is closed in my city so i dont have many options to spend time alone and meeting friends from time to time (they are all in relationships so i they are not available all the time like few years ago)

It's not easy, no doubt, but at least it's more easier to try to forget about her after you move your stuff, since you do not share children or property. I also went through a break up at the beginning of this pandemic, so I can relate somewhat relate to your situation. While trying to forget my ex, I forced myself to use the lockdown as an opportunity to focus more on myself, I took up some hobbies suitable indoors (I started an small gardening projects, got more into cooking), I started to take some course in order to upgrade my career. I am sure that you can find something that you like and can focus on even from inside your home. Think of something that you would like to do, but never had the time to do it, and give it a try. As for spending time with friends, you can also try calling/videochating if meeting in person is not an option. Don't be ashamed to ask for their company; if they are your friends, they must find some time to offer some help during this harsh days.

January 20, 2021

1 hour ago, Perdu said:

It's not easy, no doubt, but at least it's more easier to try to forget about her after you move your stuff, since you do not share children or property. I also went through a break up at the beginning of this pandemic, so I can relate somewhat relate to your situation. While trying to forget my ex, I forced myself to use the lockdown as an opportunity to focus more on myself, I took up some hobbies suitable indoors (I started an small gardening projects, got more into cooking), I started to take some course in order to upgrade my career. I am sure that you can find something that you like and can focus on even from inside your home. Think of something that you would like to do, but never had the time to do it, and give it a try. As for spending time with friends, you can also try calling/videochating if meeting in person is not an option. Don't be ashamed to ask for their company; if they are your friends, they must find some time to offer some help during this harsh days.

Yeah, it feels like someone took half of my soul .. i will try im just afraid that i will never forget about her, never felt anything like this to anyone my friends have been big support since day one, my closest friend immediately helped me moving from one city to another ( i dont have a car , never needed one) and he checks on me everyday, it helps me a lot but it is not the same, i was waking up , sleeping and doing everything with her for the past 3 years with her, i forgot how it is to be alone and not have anybody that is always for you

January 20, 2021

17 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yeah, it feels like someone took half of my soul .. i will try im just afraid that i will never forget about her, never felt anything like this to anyone my friends have been big support since day one, my closest friend immediately helped me moving from one city to another ( i dont have a car , never needed one) and he checks on me everyday, it helps me a lot but it is not the same, i was waking up , sleeping and doing everything with her for the past 3 years with her, i forgot how it is to be alone and not have anybody that is always for you

There is not shortcut for making the pain go away, but it get's better with time, I promise. I've been down that road a few times and I am still alive and well :).

January 20, 2021

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

Yeah, it feels like someone took half of my soul .. i will try im just afraid that i will never forget about her, never felt anything like this to anyone my friends have been big support since day one, my closest friend immediately helped me moving from one city to another ( i dont have a car , never needed one) and he checks on me everyday, it helps me a lot but it is not the same, i was waking up , sleeping and doing everything with her for the past 3 years with her, i forgot how it is to be alone and not have anybody that is always for you

It gets better. I've been through both getting dumped and breaking up with someone. Both hurt, but time does have a way of healing your wounds. You just need to be strong and do not try to keep talking to your ex because it only will prolong the pain. And please don't try to be friends with her or you'll never get over her.

January 20, 2021

31 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

It gets better. I've been through both getting dumped and breaking up with someone. Both hurt, but time does have a way of healing your wounds. You just need to be strong and do not try to keep talking to your ex because it only will prolong the pain. And please don't try to be friends with her or you'll never get over her.

Noo i had this idea in my head for a minute but I realized its just not it, i know that if i do it she would probably never even consider getting back with me also i would suffer so much pain i cant even imagine... definitely not staying friends, but i will try to end things with positivity

January 21, 2021

Little bit off topic , for those who are married now or in very long successful relationship, how old were you when you met your other half ? I will be 26 in 5 months, i know im still kind of young but i also feel that there is not much time left for me to find next exciting love, most of my friends are already in relationships, some got married, and i dont want to have kids, specially kids from other relationship ( maybe im not grown enough for this but yeah i dont feel like raising kids, specially who are not mine) and now since love of my life wants to leave i feel doomed... it was also my first serious relationship,

January 21, 2021

Oh and i also have to mention that i am a “relationship type of guy” i know that once i heal from all that is happening right now i will be looking for love, i spent all my high school days (and all schools before) as a single i think i was never really brave enough to date other girls seriously, it changed when i got in to university and it stayed like this till this day

January 22, 2021

11 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Little bit off topic , for those who are married now or in very long successful relationship, how old were you when you met your other half ?

I (woman) was 34, and my partner (man) was 48. (I'll be 40 in a few months, and he's nearly 54 now)

At 26, I promise that you have plenty of time. Those I know who settled down that young have sometimes run into problems later on when they realize they weren't quite ready for it, and weren't experienced enough yet to exclude all other options. I had two serious relationships throughout my late teens and twenties, and lived with both of those men. When the second one and I split up when I was 30, I knew it was time to make some big changes in my life.

My current partner is a much better match, in so many ways. That's likely because I had grown and changed a lot throughout early adulthood and the guys I once thought were right for me actually weren't - because I didn't really know myself yet, either. Now that I do, and I became content with my life and reached the goals I set for myself, I made a better choice of partner who suits the woman I've grown into.

First relationships are almost never our last, and that's usually a good thing. We learn a lot in our first serious relationships but they're often not the ones that last a lifetime. The bigger and better relationships are generally those we enter after we have more experience under our belts.

January 22, 2021

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I (woman) was 34, and my partner (man) was 48. (I'll be 40 in a few months, and he's nearly 54 now)

At 26, I promise that you have plenty of time. Those I know who settled down that young have sometimes run into problems later on when they realize they weren't quite ready for it, and weren't experienced enough yet to exclude all other options. I had two serious relationships throughout my late teens and twenties, and lived with both of those men. When the second one and I split up when I was 30, I knew it was time to make some big changes in my life.

My current partner is a much better match, in so many ways. That's likely because I had grown and changed a lot throughout early adulthood and the guys I once thought were right for me actually weren't - because I didn't really know myself yet, either. Now that I do, and I became content with my life and reached the goals I set for myself, I made a better choice of partner who suits the woman I've grown into.

First relationships are almost never our last, and that's usually a good thing. We learn a lot in our first serious relationships but they're often not the ones that last a lifetime. The bigger and better relationships are generally those we enter after we have more experience under our belts.

I wish the same will happen to me...but i cant lie i want her to come back more than anything now

January 22, 2021

Just now, JAKE022 said:

I wish the same will happen to me...but i cant lie i want her to come back more than anything now

Yes, this is normal after a break-up that was not mutual.

It will take time to adjust to not having her in your life. But you'll get there. I've been through a couple significant break-ups in my day and it takes a while to feel grounded and not so disoriented. But I've also never not gotten over it. I have no feelings whatsoever for either of those two exes, and haven't spoken to either one in years. No hard feelings, but we're all living our own lives now.

You will move on, tooo; you just need to be patient with yourself in the meantime.

January 22, 2021

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, this is normal after a break-up that was not mutual.

It will take time to adjust to not having her in your life. But you'll get there. I've been through a couple significant break-ups in my day and it takes a while to feel grounded and not so disoriented. But I've also never not gotten over it. I have no feelings whatsoever for either of those two exes, and haven't spoken to either one in years. No hard feelings, but we're all living our own lives now.

You will move on, tooo; you just need to be patient with yourself in the meantime.

This is probably what will happen with us too, or maybe one day she will re-think everything and we will start from the beginning i dont know, my close friend came back with his ex 8 months after she broke up with him and they are happy together since then, came back even stronger. But yeah im slowly getting to the point where i know its most likely over , it s not easy but i will get there like you have said

January 22, 2021

39 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I wish the same will happen to me...but i cant lie i want her to come back more than anything now

Better wake up. What would you be getting back?

January 22, 2021

8 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Better wake up. What would you be getting back?

Well, besides last month our relationship was great, for almost 3 years connection between us, sex , we were both very attached to each other etc everything was great, so naturally my best solution to this is to fix things, but i cant do it alone, so yes i want her to get back with me and try to work on our new relationship

January 22, 2021

4 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Well, besides last month our relationship was great, for almost 3 years connection between us, sex , we were both very attached to each other etc everything was great, so naturally my best solution to this is to fix things, but i cant do it alone, so yes i want her to get back with me and try to work on our new relationship

Let's say you do get back together - how would you trust that she wouldn't leave you again? I am not saying it isn't impossible, but it's something you would always have in the back of your mind. I ask myself the same question. I suppose it would depend on the reasons why she left in the first place.

January 22, 2021

46 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

Let's say you do get back together - how would you trust that she wouldn't leave you again? I am not saying it isn't impossible, but it's something you would always have in the back of your mind. I ask myself the same question. I suppose it would depend on the reasons why she left in the first place.

In my opinion she would have to recognize her problem with communication, if she does than we are one step closer to rebuild what have been lost, than if she is willing to really work on it, in my plan we could also go to couples therapy, that would slowly make me trust her again of course i would have to work on it too, and help each other with it, everything can be done

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