Healthy relationship, but still not fully content and really conflicted.

[whysotough]

Dear all, I hope you are all keeping well.

I'm in a stage in my life where I really do want to settle down. I'm currently 31(male) and feel that I am/have wasted too much time chasing the wrong women, or having difficulties finding the right ones that I get along with. I have always been with very attractive women which somehow result in toxic relationships for me. My past girlfriend was a nice person, but her lack of communication, her emotional unavailability, along with her indecisiveness made it very difficult for me to understand her, and it took me a long time to get out of it.

Fast forward today and I am in a healthy relationship. My current girlfriend is very caring, very sincere, I am able to be 100% myself and don't feel the need to be someone I am not to impress her. We get along extremely well, and I have known her for many many years as a close friend prior to dating her. During our friendship I was NEVER attracted to her in that way.
Our sex life is good, though we are currently in a long distance relationship, we did travel often until covid, it does not at all feel weird with her and I enjoy her company alot, as well as the physical intimacy.

If I am 100% honest with myself, I still find myself being attracted and looking at other women. I would not and I have not cheated, but it stings me when my friends tell me I am better looking than her, or that I could do better. I must also admit that if I did not know her as well as I did prior to dating her, she would not have been my type (physically) for me to start dating her.
When we travel, I do still enjoy my time with her, her company, we talk for hours, we talk about any and everything, and we understand each other well.

I don't want to let her go because I am a younger and shallow man only to regret it when I realize that the intimate emotional connection we share is one that is extremely difficult to replace, but at the same time I cannot help but feel that I wish she was more attractive. 
I go through waves where I am totally happy and at ease with what is such an easy relationship with zero stress, lots of respect, trust, and understanding, and then periods where I will see my friends with extremely attractive women, or their friends hitting on me, and I think to myself that girl is seriously my type (physically at least)..

I would love some insight, as I am clearly being foolish and immature..

[Emilie Jolie]

What type of insight are you looking for, OP?

You don't have that many options, really.

You either satisfy yourself with what seems to be a happy relationship with a good relationship partner even if she doesn't meet your standards for physically attraction, or you go after a more physically attractive woman for your tastes but take the risk of repeating the same negative pattern you seem to have spotted for yourself, bearing in mind beauty / attractiveness fades, and there is no such thing as a 100% perfect relationship.

You need to decide what you value most in a serious romantic partnership and what you're willing to accommodate yourself with.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Why is it long distance? How did you meet/start dating?

Do you feel she's a rebound for you after some "toxic relationships"?

Do you mean magazine attractive? Is there chemistry? 

You'll have to quiet your mind a bit and reflect on the impact of an LDR as well as the sense that you're settling or not ready for anything committed.

[Maldives]

I've experienced this and can tell you being a lil older than you haha I'm 49 the reason your feeling this way is because she is lacking on the physical attraction of the equation. That carries a lot of weight. It's important and you will never shake that feeling or grow out if it. You need to tick all boxes to be with someone long term ie marriage etc. And it does exist. The attraction is a huge thing and your not being shallow. You can settle for less and that's not to take anything away from her but I'm more so talking about cheating yourself out for experiencing true love and attraction. It does exist I found it in my well now ex wife. Unfortunately I blew it there and have not quiet been able to match that same level of happiness. The last ex was everything even more so but she came with baggage she had kids so I couldn't quiet achieve the same level. Its up to you at the end of the day but I'm gonna tak a punt and guess you will at some stage end up splitting wether it comes from her or you she will sense it.  that feeling won't go trust me.

[whysotough]

11 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

What type of insight are you looking for, OP?

You don't have that many options, really.

You either satisfy yourself with what seems to be a happy relationship with a good relationship partner even if she doesn't meet your standards for physically attraction, or you go after a more physically attractive woman for your tastes but take the risk of repeating the same negative pattern you seem to have spotted for yourself, bearing in mind beauty / attractiveness fades, and there is no such thing as a 100% perfect relationship.

You need to decide what you value most in a serious romantic partnership and what you're willing to accommodate yourself with.

 

 

Thank you for the very straight forward response.

I value both, and understand it is near impossible in this day and age when people have so many varied opinions and values to find compatibility, or to find the intellectual / emotional connection. I fear if I let this go, that I will be in a repetitive cycle of toxic relationships, and only look back when I am 42 at how good I "could" have had it..

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is it long distance? How did you meet/start dating?

Do you feel she's a rebound for you after some "toxic relationships"?

Do you mean magazine attractive? Is there chemistry? 

You'll have to quiet your mind a bit and reflect on the impact of an LDR as well as the sense that you're settling or not ready for anything committed.

We met in first year of college, she has been a friend for a long time. She was not a rebound, but rather we tried to give it a shot, and found that it was an extremely healthy relationship built on all the qualities that generally matter the most. Currently LDR due to covid, which will very well change very soon. I had to relocate for now an hour away (by air) due to shortage of staff. 

I get the sense that I would be settling on what I would typically like my partner to look like, or the typical woman that I am attracted to. She is by no mean unattractive, but just not my usual type. She is however unbelievably amazing in all other ways. Her energy, her optimism, her generosity, and the list goes on. 

4 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I've experienced this and can tell you being a lil older than you haha I'm 49 the reason your feeling this way is because she is lacking on the physical attraction of the equation. That carries a lot of weight. It's important and you will never shake that feeling or grow out if it. You need to tick all boxes to be with someone long term ie marriage etc. And it does exist. The attraction is a huge thing and your not being shallow. You can settle for less and that's not to take anything away from her but I'm more so talking about cheating yourself out for experiencing true love and attraction. It does exist I found it in my well now ex wife. Unfortunately I blew it there and have not quiet been able to match that same level of happiness. The last ex was everything even more so but she came with baggage she had kids so I couldn't quiet achieve the same level. Its up to you at the end of the day but I'm gonna tak a punt and guess you will at some stage end up splitting wether it comes from her or you she will sense it.  that feeling won't go trust me.

Thank you for your response. Do appreciate it

[d0nnivain]

The LDR aspect of things is probably a big factor too.  When it's safe to do so, arrange a glamorous dress up date to give her a chance to wow you.  Treat her to a spa day before hand & a new outfit if you are feeling generous & want to make sure this works. 

Try looking at her more with your heart then your eyes.  Focus on what's most attractive about her.

The fact that you already know you have a pattern of picking beautiful but damaged women who are toxic & no good for you, tells me you need to give her more of a chance.  Beauty fades.  What she has will last a lifetime. 

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The LDR aspect of things is probably a big factor too.  When it's safe to do so, arrange a glamorous dress up date to give her a chance to wow you.  Treat her to a spa day before hand & a new outfit if you are feeling generous & want to make sure this works. 

Try looking at her more with your heart then your eyes.  Focus on what's most attractive about her.

The fact that you already know you have a pattern of picking beautiful but damaged women who are toxic & no good for you, tells me you need to give her more of a chance.  Beauty fades.  What she has will last a lifetime. 

Thank you for the lovely response.

I intend to take a trip to a beach resort with her in the near future hopefully.
I cannot help but agree with what you say, it is also the same advice I would give someone that would have written a post like I did, and I would also consider a couple that have the type of bond that I have my with partner something extremely special, yet here I am bummed about her not being the type of girl that I am typically attracted to. 

I hope I can mature to realize and look past the looks part that sometimes gets in the way for me. Much appreciate your response.

[Emilie Jolie]

31 minutes ago, whysotough said:

, yet here I am bummed about her not being the type of girl that I am typically attracted to. 

If it's such a weighty issue for you, perhaps consider giving yourself the chance to try to find exactly what you want in terms of physical attraction, and settle for something else in terms of character. You can't really force yourself to look at someone through your heart, you need to actually find them physically attractive too. If she is amazing as you describe her to be, perhaps let her find someone who will appreciate her fully.

It's not being shallow to want to be attracted to your partner - it's quite normal actually. At 31, you still have plenty of time.

 

[Gaeta]

Nowhere you're saying you're in love with her. 

[Interstellar]

Well you can always change the physical with plastic surgery or something, but the inner personality you can’t. It sounds like you’re not that physically attracted to her. You’re not that into her. So you should just  let her go.

Edited January 8, 2021 by Interstellar

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think you'll ever get over this or get used to it, meaning it's not a good foundation for marriage. If you're feeling drawn to other women at such an early stage, that will probably only get worse. Dragging this out is only going to make it more painful for both of you.

[ShyViolet]

You entered into a relationship with someone who you are not that attracted to.  This was a mistake on your part.  Physical chemistry and physical attraction matters in a relationship.  It doesn't make you a shallow person or "foolish and immature" as you say.  You SHOULD seek out a partner who you are attracted to and who you have that physical chemistry with.  This sense of dissatisfaction that you have in this relationship will only eat away at you and get worse, and it will lead to the destruction of the relationship.  Stop wasting her time and let her go now, before she sinks any more time into a relationship that is not ultimately going to work out.

It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't say that there's anything wrong with her.  You two are just not compatible.

[Versacehottie]

I feel really bad for her. (and you tbh).  That said, IF she knew you felt this way, I'm guessing she wouldn't want to be with you from my POV.  I think if you view it as 'settling" especially on such a huge component of being attracted to your partner, she would feel devastated by it.  IMO, the kindest thing you could do for her is let her go.  I think 10 years from now you will appreciate all the things she is more at that time, especially if you let her go (and go through many more toxic relationships) but I don't think you will grow more attracted to her.  You will still feel like you are settling, especially if you remain together in that time vs breaking up and figuring yourself out.

Perhaps it's part of growing up and learning to value the qualities she has more heavily weighted.  But at a base level, no matter when, physical attraction is first and foremost, i think.

When you break up, I think you should do some therapy or introspection so that you can date a girl you both feel crazy attracted to AND who is a lot of those good qualities that this girl has (they exist!).  I think there is something about being with the pretty but toxic ones that is a part of you getting external validation through your association, like arm candy or feeling like you are getting what you deserve (even as it's making you miserable).  I think if you sort out some of that stuff you can keep it moving when you try out date one with some gorgeous but hollow/or not nice girl.

It's not really doing your girlfriend any favors to stay with her (unfortunately). Sorry & good luck 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

16 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

you can date a girl you both feel crazy attracted to AND who is a lot of those good qualities that this girl has (they exist!)

I agree with this, though when you truly love someone, you love everything about them, and physical attraction doesn't have to come from the way someone looks like.

 I think @Gaetasaid it best: there no mention of love in the OP.

[whysotough]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Nowhere you're saying you're in love with her. 

 

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You entered into a relationship with someone who you are not that attracted to.  This was a mistake on your part.  Physical chemistry and physical attraction matters in a relationship.  It doesn't make you a shallow person or "foolish and immature" as you say.  You SHOULD seek out a partner who you are attracted to and who you have that physical chemistry with.  This sense of dissatisfaction that you have in this relationship will only eat away at you and get worse, and it will lead to the destruction of the relationship.  Stop wasting her time and let her go now, before she sinks any more time into a relationship that is not ultimately going to work out.

It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't say that there's anything wrong with her.  You two are just not compatible.

 

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I feel really bad for her. (and you tbh).  That said, IF she knew you felt this way, I'm guessing she wouldn't want to be with you from my POV.  I think if you view it as 'settling" especially on such a huge component of being attracted to your partner, she would feel devastated by it.  IMO, the kindest thing you could do for her is let her go.  I think 10 years from now you will appreciate all the things she is more at that time, especially if you let her go (and go through many more toxic relationships) but I don't think you will grow more attracted to her.  You will still feel like you are settling, especially if you remain together in that time vs breaking up and figuring yourself out.

Perhaps it's part of growing up and learning to value the qualities she has more heavily weighted.  But at a base level, no matter when, physical attraction is first and foremost, i think.

When you break up, I think you should do some therapy or introspection so that you can date a girl you both feel crazy attracted to AND who is a lot of those good qualities that this girl has (they exist!).  I think there is something about being with the pretty but toxic ones that is a part of you getting external validation through your association, like arm candy or feeling like you are getting what you deserve (even as it's making you miserable).  I think if you sort out some of that stuff you can keep it moving when you try out date one with some gorgeous but hollow/or not nice girl.

It's not really doing your girlfriend any favors to stay with her (unfortunately). Sorry & good luck 

 

 

43 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I agree with this, though when you truly love someone, you love everything about them, and physical attraction doesn't have to come from the way someone looks like.

 I think @Gaetasaid it best: there no mention of love in the OP.

 

Thank you all for the honest responses.

I must admit that the distance makes matters worse, but I genuinely do love and care for her. I've known her for the longer part of my life and she has been dear to me long before we starting dating. We share a very strong bond, and I would be as lost without her as she would without me. We speak for hours and hours, we share everything with each other, and we never tire of each other's company whether in distance or when we are away on a trip. I think that because I hilighted the things that bother me, I failed to mention all that are very much  cherished by me in the relationship as well as about her.
Our bond, connection, and understanding and admiration for one another is truly something that is special, and hence my dilemma.

 

[ShyViolet]

13 minutes ago, whysotough said:

I must admit that the distance makes matters worse, but I genuinely do love and care for her. I've known her for the longer part of my life and she has been dear to me long before we starting dating. We share a very strong bond, and I would be as lost without her as she would without me. We speak for hours and hours, we share everything with each other, and we never tire of each other's company whether in distance or when we are away on a trip. I think that because I hilighted the things that bother me, I failed to mention all that are very much  cherished by me in the relationship as well as about her.
Our bond, connection, and understanding and admiration for one another is truly something that is special, and hence my dilemma.

The way you are describing your bond and your relationship with her, it sounds more like a deep friendship than a romantic relationship.  

There are big things missing from this relationship on a romantic/sexual level, or you wouldn't have created this post.

Edited January 8, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Versacehottie]

But maybe you are mixing up a friendship sort of love with a romantic one.  I actually totally believe in friends who become bf/gf or get married--I know several couples like this and IMO they are the best couples.

The difference between what you said and these couples is that I don't think any of them feel less attracted to their partner physically.  They just had the friendship first but absolutely don't feel like they are settling.  The friendship base deepens the physical attraction base which is excellent anyway.  You are experiencing the romantic side of the relationship and it's standing out to you that you are not or only mediocrely attracted to her physically rather than it being an amazing other dimension of something not previously explored. Sorry I wish I didn't have to say this because I'm sure you will be missing out on a great girl but I wouldn't want to be her knowing you feel this way.

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Our bond, connection, and understanding and admiration for one another is truly something that is special, and hence my dilemma.

And this type of connection and admiration usually cannot be shaken, not even a little, by outsiders opinions. Especially not something as superficial as her 'hotness'. 

I believe you when you say you 'love her' it's not the same as 'being in love'. If you were 'in  love' you would shut down anyone daring say something negative about her, you would not put up with it. At all. 

[Ruby Slippers]

You just have to decide for yourself if this is a compromise you're willing to make. From what I've seen, physical attraction is very important to men at every age, pretty much the #1 driver of attraction, motivation, emotional investment. It's the reason women perform these elaborate efforts to attempt to preserve their youthful-looking beauty forever. And how important it is varies from man to man. My boyfriends have had varying levels of physical attraction to me, from good to great to red hot, and it didn't necessarily have anything to do with what they looked like or what kind of women they could attract. 

If I were you, I'd talk to some older men in your life - your dad, uncles, maybe even some kind of pre-marriage counselor. 

Can you forsake all other women for this one for the rest of your life? That's the big question any man considering settling down with one woman has to ask himself and answer honestly. If not, don't set yourself up for failure. If so, you're going to have to embrace her good qualities and minimize the less-good, as everybody does in love.

Edited January 8, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[Emilie Jolie]

17 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Our bond, connection, and understanding and admiration for one another is truly something that is special, and hence my dilemma.

 

Agree with @Versacehottie and @ShyViolet Happy couples who are genuinely in love with each other don't seem to have that dilemma.

[elaine567]

I think, but I could be wrong, that at 31, your head is telling you, it is time to settle down and quite by chance you have an excellent wife candidate to hand, but now you are back pedalling.
What seems like such a good idea is now not looking so good.
There are other women out in the world and  now you are feeling you may be missing out if you leave the single  game for domesticity and a nice, safe secure married life.
I think if at this moment you were with a woman who was "your type", you would be finding fault with her too.
The problem is not with the woman, the problem is I guess with you. You are just not quite ready to settle down, so are scrabbling about looking for reasons to get yourself free.

[smackie9]

You sound more like buddies rather than lovers.

[Menara]

I agree with the comments above. I strongly believe that for a relationship to be successful long-term, your SO needs to check all your priority boxes (which are different for everyone of course). In your case though it does seem like physical attraction is an important one. That doesn't make you a shallow person - it's important to be physically attracted to the person we are in a relationship with, nothing wrong with that!

I was in a similar situation many many years ago. I was friends with a guy and we were getting along SO WELL, that we eventually started dating. We were together for two years, and the entire two years I was feeling doubt about the relationship because I wasn't physically attracted to him. I was in my early 20s then, and considered quite a catch. I would often be asked out by other guys whom I didn't have this very deep sense of friendship and companionship with than I had with that boyfriend. I was extremely conflicted for a long time, but eventually realized that because of the barrier of physical attraction, I wasn't able to be truly "in love" with him, although I did love him, but more the way I love my friends.

It was a difficult decision, and I understand where you are at, and how conflicted you feel. In my case, I eventually ended it and 6 months later met my ex husband that I was together with for 18 years. He turned out to be a best friend (like that guy was) AND I was physically attracted to him. 

The only advise I would give you is to listen to your heart. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

6 hours ago, whysotough said:

Dear all, I hope you are all keeping well.

I'm in a stage in my life where I really do want to settle down. I'm currently 31(male) and feel that I am/have wasted too much time chasing the wrong women, or having difficulties finding the right ones that I get along with. I have always been with very attractive women which somehow result in toxic relationships for me. My past girlfriend was a nice person, but her lack of communication, her emotional unavailability, along with her indecisiveness made it very difficult for me to understand her, and it took me a long time to get out of it.

Fast forward today and I am in a healthy relationship. My current girlfriend is very caring, very sincere, I am able to be 100% myself and don't feel the need to be someone I am not to impress her. We get along extremely well, and I have known her for many many years as a close friend prior to dating her. During our friendship I was NEVER attracted to her in that way.
Our sex life is good, though we are currently in a long distance relationship, we did travel often until covid, it does not at all feel weird with her and I enjoy her company alot, as well as the physical intimacy.

If I am 100% honest with myself, I still find myself being attracted and looking at other women. I would not and I have not cheated, but it stings me when my friends tell me I am better looking than her, or that I could do better. I must also admit that if I did not know her as well as I did prior to dating her, she would not have been my type (physically) for me to start dating her.
When we travel, I do still enjoy my time with her, her company, we talk for hours, we talk about any and everything, and we understand each other well.

I don't want to let her go because I am a younger and shallow man only to regret it when I realize that the intimate emotional connection we share is one that is extremely difficult to replace, but at the same time I cannot help but feel that I wish she was more attractive. 
I go through waves where I am totally happy and at ease with what is such an easy relationship with zero stress, lots of respect, trust, and understanding, and then periods where I will see my friends with extremely attractive women, or their friends hitting on me, and I think to myself that girl is seriously my type (physically at least)..

I would love some insight, as I am clearly being foolish and immature..

1. You are coming across as shallow. Do you realize we are all going to age, wrinkle and sag?

2. True friends would not bash your partner, unless she was truly a bad person. You have stated she is wonderful. 

3. You are holding onto her for selfish reasons--in case you can't get better. Do the right thing and let her go. She deserves someone who loves the way she looks, even first thing in the morning.

4. Not sure why you even got into this relationship. You yourself said that you knew her for many years, and already knew you weren't attracted to her. You have wasted her time and are keeping her from meeting someone who is 100% into her.

 

[dangerous]

I agree with the posters talking about the friendship versus attraction things. Also to add, it sounds like you are focusing on the fear of loss (i.e being alone, and looking back in regret) rather than the positives of a happy future. I think this is very telling.