Sex seems to be mostly off the table. then he asked about my cycle, so now I'm perplexed

[crappedmypantsthrice]

I've been on a few dates with this guy, but we've been talking for a while. There's been tons of flirtation and some kissing. But things haven't really escalated to the next level.

This has been very confusing to me. It just seems like a lot of investment of time and effort, for just...nothing. If he was in it for an f-buddy or FWB situation....it would at least make sense. But, he isn't even making a move for that. If he wanted sex, he could have had it by now.

I recently asked for clarification on the matter..... not intended to be in a "What are we? We need a label" kind of way....but more because...again, I find myself confused by what he wants. His response was that he considered us currently in the friends category. "For now." I asked if he wanted FWB, which he fervently said he did not. He isn't opposed to the concept, he just isn't planning that with me.

Me: "So, is sex off the table?" His response was "No it's not a no." His explanation was that while he isn't opposed to a FWB situation (in general), he's not the kind of person who has meaningless sex. So he said it was something that *may* happen eventually.

Yada yada yada....we continued on with conversation, and....still some flirting. I have a flight voucher for a trip I'm taking coming up, so I offered that he could come with. So, talked about that for a bit. Then, sort of....out of nowhere, he asked me if I use a period tracker.

Me: "Um noooooo, why?" (Side note: as I told him, I generally know the timing well enough to know generally when it's going to come)

His response was that it's good to know when the safest days are. (??) He then doubled down, asking what the start/end days were last month and when I started this month.

I mean...I can only think of a couple of reasons a guy would ask that, and want to know that.

i'm not really sure what to think...in a span of 45 minutes, it went from, "I don't have meaningless sex" and sex being *almost* off the able, maybe not completely but close...to "Do you track your period...ya know just in case?"

Do you think it's a good sign, or maybe it's a sign that he's thinking things should go the FWB route after all?

[Miss Spider]

It sounds to me like this is just a weird, but quite in line and characteristic with the rest of your relationship, sign he wants to have sex soon. I don’t see any reason to read into it any further than that or assume that he wants FWB or anything else at this point. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

sounds like he could possibly be worried about how you manage birth control.  Maybe he's had pregnancy scares before.  Idk though apart from all that he's acting neurotic or it seems like he might be.  That would be a turn off and should be a red/yellow flag

 

[Dash23]

Who asks that if you're both planning (which I assume) to use protection anyhow?  Unless he hates condoms that much or has had some pregnancy scares, then that's a great way to kill even a potential "fwb" possibility for a girl.  It's one thing to avoid the "yes I am down for a fwb situation" line as a guy because it can turn off a lot of girls all together, so some guys avoid being 100 percent upfront about it to not shoot themselves in the foot.  But if he was up for it to begin with, then what's the hold up with him not trying to escalate to sex is all lights were green (unless someone is a newb and nervous).

It sounds like your quite open to the fwb situation, and if you're looking for that and you guys vibe good enough for it then by all means. Beyond that, the guy sounds a bit all over the place to invest in too seriously at the moment as a possible full on partner. 

[Calmandfocused]

Perplexing but I think you’ve established the reasoning here without realising it: 

I think he’s avoiding sex because he has an anxiety that he might get you pregnant. He’s seeking confirmation of the dates in your cycle that would be safe for him not to get you pregnant. 
 

It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s got someone pregnant in the past accidentally. Maybe birth control has failed for him previously. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Ok, slow down a bit. He seems hesitant to have sex or be more than friends.

Before you engage in sex whether it's hookups, FWB or dating, make sure you see your doctor for contraception and STD testing and prevention info.

Why would you offer him a plane ticket at this stage? Fast forwarding like this can be overwhelming.

Take a friend, if you travel. As far as your menstruation app, why discuss this with him? 

[Saracena]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

sounds like he could possibly be worried about how you manage birth control.  Maybe he's had pregnancy scares before.  Idk though apart from all that he's acting neurotic or it seems like he might be.  That would be a turn off and should be a red/yellow flag

 

My first thoughts exactly.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s got someone pregnant in the past accidentally. Maybe birth control has failed for him previously. 

Yes, my thoughts exactly. 

 

[Miss Spider]

6 hours ago, Dash23 said:

Who asks that if you're both planning (which I assume) to use protection anyhow?  Unless he hates condoms that much or has had some pregnancy scares, then that's a great way to kill even a potential "fwb" possibility for a girl.  It's one thing to avoid the "yes I am down for a fwb situation" line as a guy because it can turn off a lot of girls all together, so some guys avoid being 100 percent upfront about it to not shoot themselves in the foot.  But if he was up for it to begin with, then what's the hold up with him not trying to escalate to sex is all lights were green (unless someone is a newb and nervous).

It sounds like your quite open to the fwb situation, and if you're looking for that and you guys vibe good enough for it then by all means. Beyond that, the guy sounds a bit all over the place to invest in too seriously at the moment as a possible full on partner. 

Someone who doesn’t want to earn his red wings maybe lol

[crappedmypantsthrice]

Well, I completely understand the practical reason. I completely understand the not wanting to get pregnant, not wanting to get someone pregnant thought. 

What I don't understand is someone saying they *don't* want FWB. And that they more than likely *don't* want sex at all. And then voicing the kind of concern that is indicative of someone worried about pregnancy. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

.What I don't understand is someone saying they *don't* want FWB. And that they more than likely *don't* want sex at all. 

Are you hoping to have sex? If he keeps saying he's not interested in this, distance yourself.

He may be nosy/curious. A lot of people ask questions that are nosy so it doesn't mean anything.

It sounds more like a conversation you'd have with a GF so seems like a friendzone thing.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

Well, I completely understand the practical reason. I completely understand the not wanting to get pregnant, not wanting to get someone pregnant thought. 

What I don't understand is someone saying they *don't* want FWB. And that they more than likely *don't* want sex at all. And then voicing the kind of concern that is indicative of someone worried about pregnancy. 

 

Not everyone wants to do casual sex... even guys. Also keep in mind that he may want to..: just not with you. He did say that it wasn’t taken it off the table though so the possibility is out there and he doesn’t want it to coincide with your period/cycle. Maybe ask your “friend” why he asks. It’s weird ....

Edited January 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[stillafool]

It seems you're way more keen to have sex with him than he is with you and if that is what you're looking for this guy isn't it.  You should find someone else.

[smackie9]

Maybe he has a GF hidden somewhere and just using yo as an ego boost.

Asking you about your monthly is only to probably make you think this will go somewhere.

When it doesn't feel right, then it's not. Some people use flirtation and attention to keep you on the hook for their own entertainment.

Edited January 7, 2021 by smackie9

[Interstellar]

How many dates exactly?  sounds like you can’t wait to give it to him, and it sounds like he thinks it’s too early and want to get to know you more and having fun if I may add.  But you brought it up first so the cat’s out of the bag and now he may feel a bit of pressure, and now you’re even more confuse. So you can’t just have fun flirting and kissing, enjoy the ride and let things develop naturally at their own pace. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by Interstellar

[ShyViolet]

What exactly is it that you want from this guy?  He already told you that he considers you "just a friend" and doesn't exactly sound very interested in you.  Why are you still pursuing this?

[Alpacalia]

It's an odd question to ask considering he regulated you to "just a friend."

Edited January 7, 2021 by Alpaca

[Watercolors]

OP, why would you invite him to go on a trip with you. You two barely know each other. I don't think that's smart. 

Plus, he's intentionally sending you mixed messages. He tells you that he sees you as a friend yet he flirts with you and kisses you, then he tells you that sex isn't off the table necessarily, then asks you about your period which is a very personal question. Plus, he's probably dating other women at the same time as he's dating you.

I view his behavior as divisive, disrespectful, and a tad offensive. He already has you walking on egg shells, wondering what his real intentions with you are. That's a huge red flag for you that this isn't going to lead to anywhere good. 

None of my boyfriends ever asked me about my period in our initial 1-5 dates. Those questions came later after we were well established as a couple. This guy sounds gamey to me. 

He does not sound like that great of a catch. You need to invest your time into guys who don't play games.

Edited January 7, 2021 by Watercolors

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

...

Do you think it's a good sign, or maybe it's a sign that he's thinking things should go the FWB route after all?

I think it is a weird sign and that he thinks the rhythm method is a good form of birth control, it's not.  Sounds like he is kind of wishy-washy about sex, and think you give him too much credit that he is "thinking" about anything...I'd call this more fumbling along.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

What exactly is it that you want from this guy?  

Sex.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

OP, why would you invite him to go on a trip with you.

Sex.

[guest569]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

What exactly is it that you want from this guy?  He already told you that he considers you "just a friend" and doesn't exactly sound very interested in you.  Why are you still pursuing this?

This is all it comes down to. If you want friendship, great. But intense questions about cycle dates to figure out the "safest" time would make me step away from friendship too. 

[guest569]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds more like a conversation you'd have with a GF so seems like a friendzone thing.

No it doesn't seem friendship 

Edited January 7, 2021 by smiley1

[ShyViolet]

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sex.

Fine.  Fair enough.  But it shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get a guy to have sex with you.  He doesn't seem that interested.  Keep your dignity and don't put yourself in a position to be chasing or begging a guy who isn't super interested.  

[JackD]

So many red flags.. guy seems like a weirdo with no knowledge of how to interact with a woman.. surprised you are so desperate to have sex with him.

As for his question regarding your timings.. I only ever asked that to a girl when we were planning to not use any protection and try to 'minimise' the risk or pregnancy...