Disappointed at my family for their lack of support during my breakup

[Gaeta]

Thank you for your kind words.

My daughter begged me to not say anything to my mother that would hurt her feelings. I had no intention of being too forward

to her. She says my mom is not an empathetic woman and l won't change that. She's generous, kind and loving but can't relate to my pain.

Yes my brother is a big support, he tells me everything you'd want to hear from a loving brother. I've learn tonight that my mom ask him how i'm doing!! My brother says * you know mom she doesn't call cause she's always afraid to bother people* 

I think i'm just gonna drop it.

[Gaeta]

So it's official i'm dropping it. My brother called he was surprised l had never notice our mother can't console people, she never did. She loves us, worries and cares about us but will not know what to say to empathize and sometimes if she tries she'll say something awkward instead. 

I'm 55 and never noticed my mother could not express empathy,  no wonder l can't see what's going on with my partner under my own roof.

[Ruby Slippers]

My mom is also very awkward with emotional situations. It's funny because she watches the sappiest, most sentimental movies ever - just isn't comfortable talking about feelings. 

[gaius]

Just about everyone is vulnerable to being a little bit blinded by love and feelings, happens to the best of us (I have my own stories from the past), but since your family had a third party perspective of the situation, they weren't the ones in love, maybe they picked up more on who he actually was. And rather than kicking you when you're down about it are just giving you space.

My wife and I could be in a somewhat similar situation as your family. Someone we know and care about put themselves in a some not so great situations we spotted and they didn't and it's very difficult to listen to their pain about it. You just want to shake them and say "do better!" because you care about them but that would be somewhat brutal while they're in so much pain. So you just end up kind of disconnecting.

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by gaius

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

My brother called he was surprised l had never notice our mother can't console people, she never did. She loves us, worries and cares about us but will not know what to say to empathize and sometimes if she tries she'll say something awkward instead. 

I'm 55 and never noticed my mother could not express empathy,  no wonder l can't see what's going on with my partner under my own roof.

 

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

My mom is also very awkward with emotional situations. It's funny because she watches the sappiest, most sentimental movies ever - just isn't comfortable talking about feelings. 

Same, Gaeta and Ruby!  But what my mom does do is cook and offer a comfort zone in her warm tastefully decorated home. It's so homey and the food is so good! She lives a distance away but when I'm in her area I can go there and know there will be delicious food waiting for me. And her home is so comfy!

Can you go to your mom's home and just be there with her, Gaeta? Not expecting words of comfort but just maybe food, or just her presence. Maybe take a book to read or something to do that relaxes you and just be near her?

It sounds as if your brother could comfort you with words, though. Maybe he'll check on you from time-to-time now?

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes people Are supportive or at least try to be, but get thier heads bitten off because that person is still angry or in denial.

That's sometimes the reason people lay low and let someone calm down and reflect  before offering solace that is misinterpreted.

Edited December 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

@gaiusno, no one picked up in anything about my ex-bf. They were all in disbeleive. My brother reported to me that my father refuses to beleive it. Every summer my dad took my ex-bf in the woods to his hunting territory, they had time alone every year. 

@LivingWaterPleaseunfortunately my parents live an 11 hour drive away. Like your mom she expresses a lot of her love with comforting food and a warm home. 

My brother has been good checking up on me and trying to get me outside for walks. He understands better what i'm going through his first wife cheated on him and left with her lover. 

[Timshel]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm 55 and never noticed my mother could not express empathy,  no wonder l can't see what's going on with my partner under my own roof.

What does this mean for you exactly? Your mother can not express empathy, so no wonder you were not aware that your boyfriend is a lying cheat...what is the connection that you are drawing here?

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@gaiusno, no one picked up in anything about my ex-bf. They were all in disbelieve. My brother reported to me that my father refuses to beleive it. Every summer my dad took my ex-bf in the woods to his hunting territory, they had time alone every year. 

 

Perhaps they should have, though it certainly is not their responsibility to do so. Getting along with your family would not negate living a double life...your ex is proficient at compartmentalizing, his ex wife told you so. 

Perhaps rather than deciding your mother lacks empathy, it may be possible that she has surrendered her ability to influence your adult choices and the subsequent fall out. She asks your brother about you, she cares. As a mother, the feeling of helplessness when your adult child hits their head against a brick wall for the too many times does lead to silence, not a lack of empathy. In fact, quite the contrary. It is more likely that her children's pain is her own.

You have a lot of support Gaeta, for your choice.

 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Timshel said:

What does this mean for you exactly? Your mother can not express empathy, so no wonder you were not aware that your boyfriend is a lying cheat...what is the connection that you are drawing here?

What I mean is I had 55 years to get to know my mother. I always called her several times a week, text her almost daily. Through the years she confined in me about several difficult situations in her life with my father or her siblings. How did I not notice after all this time that she had difficulty with empathy? If am not observant enough to notice something of that magnitude in a person that close to me, then how good can I be at noticing anything with anyone else, including the man in my life. Even my daughter had her grand-mother all figured out but not me. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Perhaps rather than deciding your mother lacks empathy, it may be possible that she has surrendered her ability to influence your adult choices and the subsequent fall out. She asks your brother about you, she cares. As a mother, the feeling of helplessness when your adult child hits their head against a brick wall for the too many times does lead to silence, not a lack of empathy. In fact, quite the contrary. It is more likely that her children's pain is her own.

Could you be anymore cruel?

My last relationship before my ex-bf ended 16  years ago it's not like I run to her for comfort every other day!!

[Timshel]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Could you be anymore cruel?

My last relationship before my ex-bf ended 16  years ago it's not like I run to her for comfort every other day!!

I have less than zero desire to be cruel Gaeta. I am discussing with you something that is very uncomfortable.

 

[Timshel]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What I mean is I had 55 years to get to know my mother. I always called her several times a week, text her almost daily. Through the years she confined in me about several difficult situations in her life with my father or her siblings. How did I not notice after all this time that she had difficulty with empathy? If am not observant enough to notice something of that magnitude in a person that close to me, then how good can I be at noticing anything with anyone else, including the man in my life. Even my daughter had her grand-mother all figured out but not me. 

Ok. The same could be said for your mother, that she has known you for 55 yrs. and well before you were cognizant to boot. It may be true that your mother lacks empathy. I do not know either of you to make a statement one way or the other. 

The end of this relationship will bring many thoughts about your family dynamics and how they could have played a role in your lack of self awareness regarding your ex bf. All of it is good because the acknowledgement is the only way to break a pattern.

You are only a few weeks after the volatile end of a long relationship. This will take much longer to process before you are able to have significant objective clarity. I suppose that declaring your mother unempathetic is part of this process. I would only caution that the focus should remain on yourself and the choices you have made to lead to this point.

It doesn't mean that you do not deserve sympathy or extra care, only that you do not make it about others. Your mother raised a beautiful woman (you) and you have in turn raised a beautiful daughter. The pain you feel for being deceived should not be projected.

 

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Timshel

[Watercolors]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So it's official i'm dropping it. My brother called he was surprised l had never notice our mother can't console people, she never did. She loves us, worries and cares about us but will not know what to say to empathize and sometimes if she tries she'll say something awkward instead. 

I'm 55 and never noticed my mother could not express empathy,  no wonder l can't see what's going on with my partner under my own roof.

I’m glad your brother helped you understand your mother better. I was going to post about that before I read your response. Glad that I read your response first. 

My post is basically that not all family members will empathize with us when we go through difficult periods in our lives. Sure, they may technically love us because we’re family, but that does not mean they are a good resource of emotional support when we need that from people. 

Now that you know your mother is incapable of giving you the emotional support and empathy you need, then you shouldn’t reach out to her expecting that. Sounds like your one brother is a source of emotional support for you. Go to him. Your other brothers don’t sound like they can offer you emotional support. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Timshel said:

I have less than zero desire to be cruel Gaeta. I am discussing with you something that is very uncomfortable.

 

I beg to differ. Telling me that maybe my mother got tired of seeing me make bad choices is extremely insensitive when you have NO base to make such statement. A discussion would have been you asking me if I have a long history of heartbreaks and then we talk about it. You and Gaius came on here both assuming I'm some type of hot head going from breakup to breakup. Well no! my previous breakup was 16 years ago then I was single practically 10 years. 

[Ellener]

On 12/28/2020 at 2:17 PM, Gaeta said:

feeling betrayed and feeling a fool for giving him all of my trust.

I haven't had that feeling from a relationship since my ex husband , but I have had a few friendship betrayals the last year or so- my trust is really low for now. 

It takes time I guess. I'll bounce back and so will you.

Sending you a big hug.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So how are you today, Gaeta?

Has your brother spread the word in your family that you would like to have more support from them?

[Gaeta]

I got what I wished for and you know what they say 'be careful what you wish for'. 

My mom called me tonight. I was happy she was reaching to me. We spoke about miscellaneous things then she got into the heart of the subject, my separation.....that, I could have done without.

She concentrated on things that are not important like why my ex-bf didn't like the holidays, that he probably was having sex with other women on those xmas eves (sigh),  then she said  I must miss him a lot because he was so nice and he had such a nice personality (that's like twisting the knife in the wound).  She kept insisting I have to know if he had been doing this for 6 weeks like he said or if he had done that our whole relationship...I tried my best to explain to her there is no point doing that, we're not together anymore and I am suffering enough as it is, I don't want to know the details. That - she didn't get at all. 

She said she thinks about me a lot, to call her anytime, that was nice to hear. Next time I'll tell her I don't want to talk about what he did, what is done is done, I just want to hear I will feel better soon. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I got what I wished for and you know what they say 'be careful what you wish for'...

 She said she thinks about me a lot, to call her anytime, that was nice to hear. Next time I'll tell her I don't want to talk about what he did, what is done is done, I just want to hear I will feel better soon. 

Oh, my! Well, yes, some of that especially would be difficult to hear! Good for you, though, in being vocal about telling her you don't want to talk about what he did.

I know it was hard to hear how you must miss him because he was so nice. But, he was not so nice, was he? He was, instead, Mr. Slick, schmoozing around you while wearing a false persona. 

Just be glad you are a ways (a couple weeks? Can't recall how long it's been) into the break up and not facing the first ice cold splash in the face! I hate the first morning I wake up after a tragedy! Those first mornings are the worst! They are behind you now...yes, there's still pain but it will get better by the day, week, month!

You're on your way to normalcy!

Now keep posting your thoughts and any hiccups you may have! We are here!

Edited December 31, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[spiritedaway2003]

I am sorry you didn't feel supported by your family.

I know that really hurts. I've come to understand that, just like in relationships, people show support and love differently.  Try not to blame them.  Sometimes it's got nothing to do with lack of empathy.  Sometimes these situations are awkward or uncomfortable for others.  It doesn't mean that they don't care.  They just may not always know how to show care in the way you need. 

If you can't get the support you need, find additional sources of support.  I'm glad you had a good talk with your mom and brother.

Edited December 31, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[lana-banana]

What is it about moms that make them such experts at twisting the knife (intentionally or not)? I'm so sorry you're hurting, but at least you know now that she won't be the best form of support, and you can continue your healing journey by seekingour people who really help you. Lots of hugs.

[Gaeta]

Happy New Year everyone !! and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and support ♥️

[FMW]

Happy New Year Gaeta!

[Gaeta]

So continuing with family and support. 

My teen spent 3 days with my adult daughter, she came back yesterday. My adult daughter asked Claire how I was doing and Claire (16 yo) said she wished I would talk to her about what I'm going though, that she is old enough to understand these things and she knows she can be a good support to me. Brings tears to my eyes just typing this, what a kind little heart she is. Claire also told her that she knows what's going on because when I speak on the phone she turns her headset down to listen lol. 

There is no way I will share with a 16 yo the emotional rollercoaster I go though and the dirty details of his cheating. She already knows that ex-bf cheated and that's why we're not together anymore but that's it. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is no way I will share with a 16 yo the emotional rollercoaster I go though and the dirty details of his cheating.

You'd be surprised how mature some 16 year olds are.  When I was 16 I could have supported an aunt through a break up.  it would have  been good experience for me about boys. ((HUGS)))

[d0nnivain]

Hugs. 

Be grateful for your brother but I think you can try to get your mom to help you.  You will have to give her specific things to do.  Tell her point blank to call you once a week, ask how you are doing, let you vent & then tell you she loves you.  She doesn't have to understand why you need that. She just has to do it.  That was how I got DH to be more empathetic.  I told him to hug me when I cry.  He didn't see the point but he dutifully did it & now likes the results (I get calmer).

If you can find an age appropriate way to lean on your 16 year old (a little), do it.  She needs to feel important & helpful here.