GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[trident_2020]

^I missed that part about the constant need for reassurance. Not only is it a sign that she was pulling back but the whole weak, clingy, neediness that is basically emanating from a partner who is in need of such reassurance can be a HUGE turnoff, especially if the person who is on the receiving end of it already has one foot out the door.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

That's what I am having such an issue understanding. She said she only decided to leave the night before she packed up and left. That it wasn't in her mind beforehand. She spent Saturday last weekend with my family and discussed the holidays. It seemed like there was no indication she was about to leave. 

She's full of equine manure. 

There is zero chance that she's being honest about that. 

This sudden departure doesn't make sense to you because she's not being totally forthcoming about what's been going on with her. Whether she's met someone else or her frustrations bubbled over or she just grew apart and fell out of love with you, I can nearly guarantee you there is more to this than she's saying. 

I agree with the others who say this is done. She's essentially told you not to wait for her, and feel free to meet someone else. There is no way in fresh hell I would say that to a man I still had feelings for and perhaps wanted to reconnect with. She's not mature enough to tell you it's over using those exact words, so she turns it around on you, quoting you when you told her if she ever moved out it would be done. It was no coincidence that she's chosen to do exactly that. That was very intentional because she knew that she could then say, "Well, you said...." 

I'm very sorry this has happened, especially right before the holidays. I have a feeling that in time, the pieces will start to slide together and you'll get a clearer picture of what exactly was behind all this. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, tarheelian said:

I asked her if this was permanent or not, and she replied I always said if she moved out we couldn't stay together. 

 It appears that you told her more than once that if she moved out, you couldn't stay together.    Do I understand correctly?   

What's this all about?  And what prompted such a conversation?

 

 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

 It appears that you told her more than once that if she moved out, you couldn't stay together.    Do I understand correctly?   

What's this all about?  And what prompted such a conversation?

 

 

I initiated that conversation because when it was coming time for her to move in with me, I was working remotely and so was she, and there was no space for both of us to work remote. I talked to her about postponing the move-in until life was more certain because I knew we could not work at home together, and I said her suggestion if it didn't work she would just move out was not feasible because usually, once you move in you rarely move out while staying together. 

The more I read what others have said, I think it boils down to she got tired of me not moving things forward and putting things off. The snoring was just an example of it because as someone said, if it was a problem all she had to do was go stay at her parents until I got it resolved. I think she didn't see an engagement on the horizon and didn't see anything changing anytime soon, felt I wasn't totally happy (she said this) and decided to leave. 

I don't know what exactly triggered all of that the night before she moved out for her to make that decision. That, and there could be someone else. 

[FMW]

11 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I think she didn't see an engagement on the horizon and didn't see anything changing anytime soon, felt I wasn't totally happy (she said this) and decided to leave. 

I don't know what exactly triggered all of that the night before she moved out for her to make that decision. That, and there could be someone else. 

Not feeling like your relationship was going anywhere could have made her more open to noticing the attention of someone else.  IF that's the case.  

I don't want to kick you when you're down, but I thought I'd mention that since you're trying to piece together what happened. 

I know this is really hard, but somewhere down the line you might meet someone with whom you are ready to make all the commitments that weren't forthcoming in this relationship.  Then you'll know why this didn't work out.  

[tart6245]

22 minutes ago, FMW said:

Not feeling like your relationship was going anywhere could have made her more open to noticing the attention of someone else.  IF that's the case.  

I don't want to kick you when you're down, but I thought I'd mention that since you're trying to piece together what happened. 

I know this is really hard, but somewhere down the line you might meet someone with whom you are ready to make all the commitments that weren't forthcoming in this relationship.  Then you'll know why this didn't work out.  

We will see, but I'd be shocked if there is someone else after all the years I've known her. She may have just become fed up with me dragging my feet on things she's asked me to do. Perhaps her parents told her she was wasting her time with me. She allegedly spent the entire day before she left with her family. 

It's just odd when she tells me how much she'll miss being with me and spending time with me. Either she's lying or it just sounds like she felt she had no choice

Edited December 24, 2020 by tarheelian

[Timshel]

4 hours ago, tarheelian said:

 Her personality is very quiet and reserved, so it's hard to know when she's happy or excited about something.

You have mentioned this about her disposition several times; there is a difference between reserved and uninterested(ing). If you were to reconcile, this trait will become the bane of your existence.

Reading this thread, I was thinking that this may be an exasperation on her part regarding moving forward with an engagement. If this is the case, she is quite uninspired and unsurprisingly non-communicative in her effort. Again, beware.

Her timing and delivery are quite callous; people who love you will fumble, but they will not want to cause you pain and will rather quickly try to amend and make peace. Even if they do not want to remain in the relationship.

I'm sorry that you are hurting at this time. Instead of knocking your head against a wall to figure out an ambiguous reason for her abrupt departure, perhaps consider whether you could have a contented life with the person who would leave you this way.

[Lotsgoingon]

The statement that you were dragging your feet only confuses the matter. We drag our feet when we don't feel comfortable about an element of the relationship.  We drag our feet when there is something about the person or the relationship that unnerves us--even though we really like them.  Or we drag our feet when we're really not that attracted to them.

Dragging your feet assumes you SHOULD have moved faster, should have done something differently. And in reality lots of relationships should end. 

I had an ex who was a wonderful person, really smart, really kind, really attentive, sexy ... and yet ... after several years of dating, I didn't want to move forward. I was dragging my feet.  I had commitment issues--the whole roll of cliches. The truth is that I didn't know how to describe my ambivalence I was feeling. And I didn't respect my feelings. Later, I realized, I always felt this woman was a friend. I thought she was pretty and yes sex was good, but I wasn't attracted in that powerful way that eases romance, that way that leads you to really WANT to be with someone. 

So challenge to you, brother.  What was it that bothered you? About her? About the relationship.  That's a great thought experiment for you to engage in.

There is a good chance this relationship wasn't really working for you--you were just used to the way it didn't work, which happens all the time. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Zona]

Sorry for your situation, but be thankful that this happened BEFORE you married her, and that there are no children to worry about.

Sounds like you are still taking some puffs from the hopium pipe. That will only bring you more hurt. At this point, you need to figure out a way to move on.

She may or may not have gotten involved with another guy, but running stuff like that through your head over and over again will just make you crazy. Don't try to make logical sense of whatever she is feeling now. Just accept it for what it is.

Work on improving yourself; getting a promotion, more education, better job, bigger house in a better neighborhood,  hit the gym, etc. In time you will look back and see this was for the best. Just about everyone goes through this at least once.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Zona

[Acacia98]

I have a feeling your girlfriend would have left anyway regardless of what you did. There's something about the feelings and sequence of events you describe that reminds me of another relationship somewhere else once upon a time.

I think she initially felt like she was in love, but as you spent more time together and did more relationshipy things, she sensed something was missing. Initially she thought that your attitude was to blame for the missing "something" and that if you fixed this or that, everything would be okay. And so you fixed this and that, but it didn't change her sense that "something was missing." Eventually, as more of the problematic issues got fixed, she had to face up to the fact that she was still not happy. And so she left. That's my theory, anyway. It may be wrong. But if it's correct, it would be a waste of time for you to imagine reconciling with her.

Lessons learned: just bring the best version of yourself into your relationships. If the relationships are meant to be, they will thrive. If they're not meant to be, they will end, but at least you will know you did your best.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, tarheelian said:

. That it wasn't in her mind beforehand.  

Unfortunately you don't really know what was on her mind because her discontent was growing and brewing since she moved in, but may have only mentioned the sleeping and cleaning problems in passing.

Break-ups are a one way street. She simply decided the snoring and housekeeping were making her increasingly unhappy.

Surely she spoke to and planned this out with her people.

Sometimes living together just doesn't work and brings out the incompatibilities.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, tarheelian said:

It's just odd when she tells me how much she'll miss being with me and spending time with me. Either she's lying or it just sounds like she felt she had no choice

A lot of dumpers say things like this. They're just words meant to soften the blow. 

She will probably miss your presence in her life as she learns to be single again, yes, but that's not the same as missing the romantic relationship. Missing you as her companion doesn't mean she wants the relationship, in other words. 

[Lotsgoingon]

People who dump aren't necessarily lying when they say they will miss you. Yes, they are trying to soften the blow.

But some people--I had an ex like this who dumped me--actually can acknowledge that they will miss the things they liked about you and still go through with breaking up because they realize that on balance, they want to end the relationship. 

As long as you weren't a total dirt bag and you didn't cheat on her or humiliate her,  it's very likely that she can still see your good qualities and what drew her to you in the first place.  Implied but unstated in the I will miss you .is  .but  what I like about you isn't enough to endure all that I don't like about you and the relationship, and I want a lot more from a relationship than I'm getting from you. 

This is actually quite a mature way of thinking. Some people almost have to demonize their partner in order to work up the energy to break up. Other people don't have to do that--they can just flatly say, "I want more." 

 

[elaine567]

How old is she?

[Yosemite]

On 12/23/2020 at 3:27 PM, tarheelian said:

The more I read what others have said, I think it boils down to she got tired of me not moving things forward and putting things off. The snoring was just an example of it because as someone said, if it was a problem all she had to do was go stay at her parents until I got it resolved. I think she didn't see an engagement on the horizon and didn't see anything changing anytime soon, felt I wasn't totally happy (she said this) and decided to leave.

I think that you're exactly right.

As for what triggered it, she spent the entire day before with her family,. her parents or her siblings probably spent the entire day talking to her and convincing her not to waste any more time on a man who doesn't want her. After 2.5 yrs most are thinking marriage, but she has to convince you to even live together. Women date older men because it's more likely that the man will be ready to settle down and won't be afraid to take the next step...but in her case she's trying to convince a 33 yr old man to even let her move in, if she wanted to deal with that she could date a guy her age or younger. It was obvious that no proposal was coming, so she left. And it was a smart move in my opinion, she didn't let her youth get wasted on a guy who doesn't want her.

I know it sucks, but If she could sense that you weren't completely happy, you probably weren't. After you heal from the break up, you'll be free to find a woman that you are completely happy with. Good luck.

 

[Goodguy05]

I think there could be a third party here someone's she's gotten to know. Reminds me of my breakup she flat out lied one time wen were still together I found out later wen he had broken up thru FB my mate had her still on his friends list and I saw the night she claimed to be just at home and sick she was out partying with people from work and drinking. The point I'm making here is don't be surprised if U find out It is at some stage. I know out if character but that's what I thought about all my exes ...she's too sweet to of done this or that etc but they did in the end weren't what they claimed to be.  Sound like excuses to break up bar the snoring one maybe but you were working on it. 

[tart6245]

11 hours ago, Yosemite said:

I think that you're exactly right.

As for what triggered it, she spent the entire day before with her family,. her parents or her siblings probably spent the entire day talking to her and convincing her not to waste any more time on a man who doesn't want her. After 2.5 yrs most are thinking marriage, but she has to convince you to even live together. Women date older men because it's more likely that the man will be ready to settle down and won't be afraid to take the next step...but in her case she's trying to convince a 33 yr old man to even let her move in, if she wanted to deal with that she could date a guy her age or younger. It was obvious that no proposal was coming, so she left. And it was a smart move in my opinion, she didn't let her youth get wasted on a guy who doesn't want her.

I know it sucks, but If she could sense that you weren't completely happy, you probably weren't. After you heal from the break up, you'll be free to find a woman that you are completely happy with. Good luck.

 

I was happy. This year has been difficult life wise but she was my stability and best friend. I wanted things to work and I did want to marry her. I told her that. I thought she knew that. Perhaps trying to delay the move in really hurt more than I thought, but it was due to forces beyond my control and not just because. Life was terribly uncertain during the COVID shut down. I suppose I over analyzed and caused for pain for her than I realized. 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I think there could be a third party here someone's she's gotten to know. Reminds me of my breakup she flat out lied one time wen were still together I found out later wen he had broken up thru FB my mate had her still on his friends list and I saw the night she claimed to be just at home and sick she was out partying with people from work and drinking. The point I'm making here is don't be surprised if U find out It is at some stage. I know out if character but that's what I thought about all my exes ...she's too sweet to of done this or that etc but they did in the end weren't what they claimed to be.  Sound like excuses to break up bar the snoring one maybe but you were working on it. 

Honestly, if she was lying to me and seeing someone else it would make things easier to get over. But I just can’t believe she’d do that to me. But again, she just hurt me, left me and broke my heart, so perhaps she does have that in her. Who knows. 
 

I didn’t address the snoring issue like I should have. I delayed it and put it off. Yes, after our conversation two weeks ago, I told her I would make an appointment to get a referral for a specialist, and I did, but I had no idea she had given me an unknown two week deadline. 

[Goodguy05]

Wanted to add it could of been those issues above U were having re moving in her opinion to slow snoring etc that has possible lead to another party can't say wth certainty that's what it is but in my experience woman tend to move on wen there's someone else in the pipeline just there instincts re survival.  I know A couple they had kids etc but only recently tied the knot after being together as a defacto couple for 30 yrs she didn't leave him. 

[Goodguy05]

8 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Honestly, if she was lying to me and seeing someone else it would make things easier to get over. But I just can’t believe she’d do that to me. But again, she just hurt me, left me and broke my heart, so perhaps she does have that in her. Who knows. 
 

I didn’t address the snoring issue like I should have. I delayed it and put it off. Yes, after our conversation two weeks ago, I told her I would make an appointment to get a referral for a specialist, and I did, but I had no idea she had given me an unknown two week deadline. 

Yes believe me and this is coming from personal experience you will be surprised at whats in them and in shock and disbelief. 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Yes believe me and this is coming from personal experience you will be surprised at whats in them and in shock and disbelief. 

I’ve learned that from past experiences, but I thought she was different. However, many have suggested she had someone else lined up given the abruptness of this move. I choose not to believe it but I could be wrong. 

[Gaeta]

Sounds selfish to me that a woman would put pressure on her boyfriend to escalate the relationship to moving in together, to engagement and marriage in the middle of a pandemic when all of our jobs are at risk, the economy is on standby, there is  no available apartments because people don't move, the houses are selling for 3 time their price. Men are more into reality and women, especially younger women, tend to be caught up in a dream with no time for logic. There is maybe 6  months left to this pandemic and then we can pick up our lives from where we left them last March. I don't see the urgency to escalate that relationship 'right now' or it's the end. 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Gaeta

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Sounds selfish to me that a woman would put pressure on her boyfriend to escalate the relationship to moving in together, to engagement and marriage in the middle of a pandemic when all of our jobs are at risk, the economy is on standby, there is  no available apartments because people don't move, the houses are selling for 3 time their price. Men are more into reality and women, especially younger women, tend to be caught up in a dream with no time for logic. There is maybe 6  months left to this pandemic and then we can pick up our lives from where we left them last March. I don't see the urgency to escalate that relationship 'right now' or it's the end. 

She told me I could not use the pandemic as an excuse or explanation for anything when we broke up. She never saw how the pandemic changed life for everyone and made things more difficult. That was a major frustration for me. When I did try to delay the move it, it was 100% because I was worried about us both trying to work remotely in a one bedroom unit. Had this pandemic never occurred, things would’ve been much different and I’d never had told her we should delay the move in. 
 

Both her and her family discounted my concerns as me just making excuses to avoid living together. It was very upsetting that it was spun that way. I felt my concerns were valid at the time. Nevertheless, I thought our living together was going well aside from my snoring issue. 

[Gaeta]

Tarheelian, you may not see it now but this breakup is a blessing in disguise. She sounds immature and her family feeding/encouraging that immaturity. Bottom line she wanted to get married, she did not want to get married 'with you' particularly. 

[tart6245]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Tarheelian, you may not see it now but this breakup is a blessing in disguise. She sounds immature and her family feeding/encouraging that immaturity. Bottom line she wanted to get married, she did not want to get married 'with you' particularly. 

She was regarding the pandemic. It wasn’t fair to tell me I didn’t want to live together when my only reservation was the pandemic. I picked out an apartment that both of us liked and really only moved to it because I knew she was going to move in with me a few months later. This was all before the pandemic. 
 

instead, she was convinced I never wanted to live with her. Was I nervous? Sure, she had lived with a previous boyfriend before but I never had. But I fully intended to live with her and only grew concerned when our lives were totally upended