Crush on guy I watch movies with. how to approach it

[Cookiesandough]

Hello. There is a guy that I like. He and I watch movies together on Saturday nights as friends. Two times so far. I think I have a crush on him. What would be the best way to approach it? Should I wait until we build up more of a friendship or should I start flirting now. I really don’t know. I’ve never really had the opportunity to be in a situation where I started as friends with a guy and it’s slowly progressed to more. I think that is what I would like. I don’t know how to get to the more part.  Another thing I should add is that he is going through some stuff because his brother has died from muscular dystrophy, but he wants to date. Thanks 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

Part of the equation of dating friends is that short of getting married, when it ends, you will lose the friend when it ends.   So first thing is to work out what you want and whether it's worth risking the friendship for.

[princessaurora]

How long have you known this guy?  How good of a friend is he? 

If you haven't known him very long and losing him as a friend wouldn't be that big of a deal if things don't work out, I would throw out a few very subtle signals and see how he reacts. Hey, it's Christmas time.  You could use mistletoe to your advantage!

Has he sent you any  verbal/physical signals he may be looking to take things to the next level?  

[Cookiesandough]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Part of the equation of dating friends is that short of getting married, when it ends, you will lose the friend when it ends.   So first thing is to work out what you want and whether it's worth risking the friendship for.

 

26 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

How long have you known this guy?  How good of a friend is he? 

If you haven't known him very long and losing him as a friend wouldn't be that big of a deal if things don't work out, I would throw out a few very subtle signals and see how he reacts. Hey, it's Christmas time.  You could use mistletoe to your advantage!

Has he sent you any  verbal/physical signals he may be looking to take things to the next level?  

Hi. Thank you.  Yes we aren’t that good friends yet. I’ve known him for 2 weeks. We are online friends from another place, we watch movies with 2 other people on zoom. He’s never seen me just heard my voice , so yea it complicates matters a bit 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 There is a guy that I like. He and I watch movies together on Saturday nights as friends.

What would be the best way to approach it? 

Ask if you can bring a bottle of wine next time, see how he responds .

Do you think he would like to be more than friends?

[gaius]

A good first step would be to get comfortable enough with your appearance and who you are to put yourself on cam. You could even ask him to do a private zoom session where it's just you and him if you don't want the others to see.

If he likes what he sees hopefully you won't have to do any work, he'll start flirting with you. At the end of the day even if he doesn't it's still better to know than to ride an online relationship based on an inaccurate perception. 

[Happy Lemming]

Do you have his phone number??  If so text him something about the movie you watched or an upcoming movie.  Start a conversation, then exchange pictures.

At that point, he'll let you know if he is interested/ready to date.

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask if you can bring a bottle of wine next time, see how he responds .

Do you think he would like to be more than friends?

 

4 hours ago, gaius said:

A good first step would be to get comfortable enough with your appearance and who you are to put yourself on cam. You could even ask him to do a private zoom session where it's just you and him if you don't want the others to see.

If he likes what he sees hopefully you won't have to do any work, he'll start flirting with you. At the end of the day even if he doesn't it's still better to know than to ride an online relationship based on an inaccurate perception. 

 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you have his phone number??  If so text him something about the movie you watched or an upcoming movie.  Start a conversation, then exchange pictures.

At that point, he'll let you know if he is interested/ready to date.

Thank you so much for the help! I actually can’t bring wine because it is through zoom -an online cam/meeting app.
 

I was thinking about turning on my cam this Saturday. I kind of feel awkward turning it on when it isn’t necessary but I guess it is necessary now. Don’t want to be accused of wanting attention and stuff like that. But you gave me courage. 

 

I do sort of want to be friends first. We haven’t chatted outside the group yet, except once when zoom when out and he messaged me to tell me to come back in, but I had to go. He has made a general statement about wanting to date (not me, but people in general ).

 

Thanks again 🙏 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Does anybody else turn on their camera? I'm assuming he has, unless you're crushing on him based on chat/text messages only?

If others have turned on their cams, then I'd do the same at this point, at least for a few minutes when you know he's also on. You just can say you wanted to say hi, wave and smile, etc. You don't even have to leave it on for more than a few minutes if you don't want to. If he's attracted and interested, he'll most likely make a move from there.

I have tons of video calls for work. Everybody on my team always turns on their cams. Many people in other departments never do - or they might turn it on for 10 seconds at the start, say hi, then turn them off. I leave mine on always.

[Cookiesandough]

17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Does anybody else turn on their camera? I'm assuming he has, unless you're crushing on him based on chat/text messages only?

If others have turned on their cams, then I'd do the same at this point, at least for a few minutes when you know he's also on. You just can say you wanted to say hi, wave and smile, etc. You don't even have to leave it on for more than a few minutes if you don't want to. If he's attracted and interested, he'll most likely make a move from there.

I have tons of video calls for work. Everybody on my team always turns on their cams. Many people in other departments never do - or they might turn it on for 10 seconds at the start, say hi, then turn them off. I leave mine on always.

Thank you, Ruby! Some people have them on, but most don’t. The first night there were four people in there. The second Saturday there were a ton. And lots of women. And they kept thanking me for being another woman. But a lot of people did not have their cameras on. He did and maybe five others out of around 12 people.
 

I have no problem having my camera on during other zoom meetings where I need to speak. I know there are people that have cameras on that don’t speak, but I don’t know if I want to do that and I don’t know if I’ll have anything to say. Maybe it’s OK anyway? Or maybe you are right I could just turn it on in the beginning and then turn it off. Which I do a lot in my meetings as well just so people see who I am but not putting on zoom display. Do you leave your camera on even if you don’t talk through the meeting and why ?

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

There's only been one meeting where I didn't speak, which was a big industry-wide award ceremony where our president gave a short acceptance speech for an award our organization got. There were 200+ people on that call, about half with cameras on including me, most of us not speaking but just making fun comments in the chat. In all other meetings, I'm either leading the meeting or actively participating, so I leave my camera on the whole time. The only time I've ever turned it off is when internet is being flaky and it's necessary, as video is the biggest drag on bandwidth.

If I were you, I'd turn my cam on at the beginning at least, say you just want to say hi, wave and smile, and turn it off later or when the movie starts. In our current circumstances, it's the closest thing we have to "hanging out," seeing each other's faces. Some people I work with don't like to turn on their cameras for whatever reason, which is fine, but it's always nice to see the faces and make that more personal connection.

In your case, it's the most straightforward way to attract your crush and let him do the pursuing. If he's attracted and interested and a normal red-blooded male, he shouldn't need any more of a push than that.

[Cookiesandough]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

There's only been one meeting where I didn't speak, which was a big industry-wide award ceremony where our president gave a short acceptance speech for an award our organization got. There were 200+ people on that call, about half with cameras on including me, most of us not speaking but just making fun comments in the chat. In all other meetings, I'm either leading the meeting or actively participating, so I leave my camera on the whole time. The only time I've ever turned it off is when internet is being flaky and it's necessary, as video is the biggest drag on bandwidth.

If I were you, I'd turn my cam on at the beginning at least, say you just want to say hi, wave and smile, and turn it off later or when the movie starts. In our current circumstances, it's the closest thing we have to "hanging out," seeing each other's faces. Some people I work with don't like to turn on their cameras for whatever reason, which is fine, but it's always nice to see the faces and make that more personal connection.

In your case, it's the most straightforward way to attract your crush and let him do the pursuing. If he's attracted and interested and a normal red-blooded male, he shouldn't need any more of a push than that.

I admire your leadership/public speaking abilities, Ruby. Solid advice. Thanks so much

[Emilie Jolie]

I've had my cam turned on all day this term with online teaching. Most of the time, I'm the only one with the cam on and it's a pretty depressing experience. I feel like I'm talking to myself and a bunch of black screens.

For meetings I have it on at the beg, end and when I speak. 

I find it excrutiating; I can't explain why, I viscerally hate it. I find it so intrusive, like a complete invasion of my privacy. I don't like online stuff at the best of time (other than here, I guess), I've only just opened a Linkedin account, my fb account is super tightly secured, I've never done online dating and I guess I've been so scarred by past experience that now I view online life as 'not real / unsafe' and will absolutely never put myself in a situation where I meet someone online. I find it hugely distressing, for some reason.

It's different for you SSLL though, since you're ok with online meetings and such - have it on at the beginning and see if he notices you.

[Fletch Lives]

Well if you have never met face-to-face, you don't know if there is really attraction there. Plus, you need to kiss at some point to kick things off.

[Cookiesandough]

25 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I've had my cam turned on all day this term with online teaching. Most of the time, I'm the only one with the cam on and it's a pretty depressing experience. I feel like I'm talking to myself and a bunch of black screens.

For meetings I have it on at the beg, end and when I speak. 

I find it excrutiating; I can't explain why, I viscerally hate it. I find it so intrusive, like a complete invasion of my privacy. I don't like online stuff at the best of time (other than here, I guess), I've only just opened a Linkedin account, my fb account is super tightly secured, I've never done online dating and I guess I've been so scarred by past experience that now I view online life as 'not real / unsafe' and will absolutely never put myself in a situation where I meet someone online. I find it hugely distressing, for some reason.

It's different for you SSLL though, since you're ok with online meetings and such - have it on at the beginning and see if he notices you.

Thank you for the advice, Emily. No I completely understand what you mean by it feeling intrusive. I don’t know why but having it on just feels weird and voyeuristic to be  sometimes. When it is for a purpose like speaking during a meeting its a bit better.: but still feel watched. Anyway, that’s awesome that you have pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, confronted your fears, and put yourself out there a bit more. You should be proud. 
 

It’s just the way things are these days that having these things opens more opportunities. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t know why but having it on just feels weird and voyeuristic to be  sometimes.

I think it's just a mindset. In the beginning I did not want to put myself out there like that. But I've had to adapt because of the requirement to have so many video meetings for work. I hardly think twice about it now. It's just... "here I am, people!"

This afternoon we're having our virtual department holiday party, with funny screen backgrounds, ugly holiday sweater contest, games, prizes. Given that a lot of people will be on the call, I might actually blowdry my hair for a change - which I haven't done in weeks 😛

[Emilie Jolie]

9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think it's just a mindset.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't mind pro meetings and zoom meetings with family or friends but not with a stranger online. That's my safe boundary, my line in the sand based on own my personal experience, and I'm a strong advocate for people doing whatever they feel safe doing.

Enjoy your dept holiday party, though 🙂

[flitzanu]

20 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hello. There is a guy that I like. He and I watch movies together on Saturday nights as friends. Two times so far. I think I have a crush on him. What would be the best way to approach it? Should I wait until we build up more of a friendship or should I start flirting now. I really don’t know. I’ve never really had the opportunity to be in a situation where I started as friends with a guy and it’s slowly progressed to more. I think that is what I would like. I don’t know how to get to the more part.  Another thing I should add is that he is going through some stuff because his brother has died from muscular dystrophy, but he wants to date. Thanks 

first things first, have you seen underneath his mask?  is he hideous?

[mark clemson]

How long has it been since his brother died? I'd suggest letting him take it as slow as he needs to IF that is a factor in his emotional processing right now.

[Ruby Slippers]

47 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I don't mind pro meetings and zoom meetings with family or friends but not with a stranger online.

I've never video chatted with a stranger online (outside of work and some volunteer online tutoring I did a while back). I haven't tried online dating during the pandemic, would probably only video chat with a man who showed great dating potential. I might not even do that - might do the initial phone call as usual, then meet up for our first date doing something outdoorsy.

[Cookiesandough]

25 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

How long has it been since his brother died? I'd suggest letting him take it as slow as he needs to IF that is a factor in his emotional processing right now.

I really don’t know. Actually I just know that he had a brother died  from muscular dystrophy and it was hard for him because he talked about it somewhere else on the forum. Not when we watched movies. He also talked about how he struggles with dating/finding a girl. 
 

To be honest, I think I might be rushing it as always, because I really would like to build up a friendship with him first and take it slowly. I don’t want him to flirt too early or vice versa. I wanted to be one of those situations where a friendship builds into a romantic connection slowly. I like his personality on a friend level. He’s very funny. Maybe I should just focus on maybe being friends first and see if that even works out  and not to get too ahead of myself

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Cookiesandough]

Update. I have to skip the movie tomorrow because I have some IRL plans... So not going to be able to see him until possibly next Tuesday when we watch Jack Frost. I will update then if I make any progress 

[NuevoYorko]

Rather than thinking about whether to start flirting or start out "as friends," why not just take it easy and get to know him along with the other people in your movie watching group.  At this point I'd say your interest is piques, but who knows whether you'll develop a friendship or anything else, at this point.  Just have a good time in your group, be yourself.  Seems like you are putting pressure into a situation where it doesn't need to be. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/17/2020 at 12:16 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 I actually can’t bring wine because it is through zoom -an online cam/meeting app

Oops 🙊. Ok, keep it as pals then.

[Cookiesandough]

Terrible experience.  I swear I saw it coming.
 

So my plans with my friend fell through and I ended up going to the movie night tonight. I turned on my camera for the first time, but I had my sound muted(as did others). I started to private message more with the guy that I like. I didn’t know his personality before because I haven’t really talked to him as much as I did tonight. He’s way more outgoing than  I thought he was. I decided that I am not too into his personality, even as a (close) friend. Killed my crush. That’s neither here nor there.

 

Everything was going alright and I was having a good time. Then I get a private message from a girl there. I was kind of apprehensive about her even from the first time I met her last week. She sent me a message that said”What is a deep fake doing in here”

 

I had never even heard the term before so I quickly googled it. Apparently, it is someone with a fake video or something that acts like a real person. Superimposed or something . I don’t know but it’s not me. So I sent

“sorry what?”

She said “LOL sorry I meant this for someone else”

 

So I got kind of annoyed and sad. I felt attacked. She called my name out in the chat. I decided to turn my sound on and say “yes?” I called her out. I said “Did you call me a ‘deepfake?’ That’s kind of mean. “ Everyone, including the guy that I was talking to, started snickering. She didn’t say anything. I said “ we cool, but just to be clear I’m not.” Completely unnecessary and same bs I get from women like this. It is depressing that I saw this coming from one of the few women in the group and I was scared to turn on my cam because of it. I see the machinations so clearly and I know what they are trying to do, but it still affects me. I tried to play it off but I turned my camera off and then I just turn zoom off and went to play with my dog.

 

I just hate how I can’t be part of things without someone just trying to pull something on me on me. Other than guilt trips, men don’t play games with me. It’s always been cid women that have done that.  Not all, don’t get me wrong, but enough to where I hate it .  I hate how I couldn’t have a good time and enjoy myself tonight.  I’ll be returning to the group because I have every right to and most of the people are super nice so far but f that girl 
 

OH WELL I GUESS

Edited December 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes