Can this work

[ZA Dater]

I have met someone I actually like. She has lots and lots of baggage and a kid [REDACTED] and lives a long way away, at least for now. Oddly enough the baggage is part of what I find attractive, she has had such a bad situation arrive upon her but her whole approach to it is just mega, many people would just give up in despair but she carries on with a smile, she has not much of a support system by the way she handles a very young baby and all this stress is frankly amazing.

She is just a normal nice person, not into partying, drinking and so easy to talk to, about anything really, down to earth, culturally her and I are similar. Because of what she is going through dating is off the cards but I am thinking if I just be there as a friend and see where things go.

This was one of those times where I could actually open up completely and it was an evening spent laughing, smiling and yeah it was good, she remarked the next day how much she enjoyed it. What was especially interesting was the fact she told me players do not interest her and it does not matter what material things the guy has, her baby is the most important thing in her life and any guy would need to respect that. 

Without showing very overt interest I did make it obvious I enjoyed spending time with her and I guess we will chat via whats app, she is going to need a lot of support to get through what she is going through and that is one thing I a lot of, the ability to support. She is extremely attractive so there are the usual army of suitors all waiting and chasing but maybe this time I will get into the game in the hope the inherent good in me is enough.

I was just struck by how much I was able to open up and how much I could get her to laugh. 

See I do not always have bad experiences.

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inflammatory statement.

[Miss Spider]

Lol. Yea it sounds fine. Glad you had a good experience. It’s only been one date though if I am correct. Relax and don’t pin all your hopes and dreams on it.Also, you’re late 30s iirc. Dating people that don’t have kids already will probably only get more difficult, considering you already struggle with dating. Don’t see a problem with it.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

You said in your other thread it wasn't a date so what are the circumstances of the meet?

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You said in your other thread it wasn't a date so what are the circumstances of the meet?

I would be happy to get a friend out of it which I think is possible. She was staying with me for a few days, friend asked if I could help out.

At the very least I am feeling better and more positive.

[Miss Spider]

You mean you’re hoping for  situation where you can orbit the chick. Let’s not lie to ourselves. If you weren’t attracted to her you would not want this “friendship” so much. Not really a true friendship

 

Anyway, I’m happy you’re feeling better

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

She was staying with me for a few days, friend asked if I could help out.

So similar situation to the yoga teacher?

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

What was especially interesting was the fact she told me players do not interest her

I don't know any women not looking for "casual" who ARE interested in players...
Most women do not like to be used then discarded...

[Miss Spider]

Yea also what a woman says she wants and what she actually wants are often two different things. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea also what a woman says she wants and what she actually wants are often two different things. 

That is so true.

 

[Weezy1973]

When you say can this work, what do you mean by work. What would it “working” look like to you?

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

When you say can this work, what do you mean by work. What would it “working” look like to you?

Actually date her in time.

[elaine567]

What are the circumstances surrounding her husband's death?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Actually date her in time.

Then no, it won’t work. You have to work to change your beliefs, thoughts, mindset around love and dating for anything to work in that realm. 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Then no, it won’t work. You have to work to change your beliefs, thoughts, mindset around love and dating for anything to work in that realm. 

Thanks

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What are the circumstances surrounding her husband's death?

Does not really matter. I just think this time I have found someone I do get along with who doesn't party and is attractive. Pretty rare to find.

But yes Wheezy is right I shouldn't bother.

Edited December 16, 2020 by ZA Dater

[Trail Blazer]

Bro, this is the most positive thing I've seen you post, ever!

Can it work!?  Hell yeah, it can!  Can you make it work?  That's the more pertinent question.

I don't even know how to begin giving you advice, other than to say that you should maintain contact and hope that in time she develops mutual feelings.

If she's not in the frame for dating right now, you need to be around and available for when she eventually is.

Yeah, there is a chance that she'll only ever see you as a friend.  If she's very attractive, be prepared for the "I don't find you attractive that way" frame. 

But, hey... you're as good a chance as anyone at this stage!  Work on yourself and be the man you think she would want you to be, without trying overtly or changing too much about yourself.

Good luck!  This could be a slow burn scenario which may work out in your favor in the medium to long-term.

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Bro, this is the most positive thing I've seen you post, ever!

Can it work!?  Hell yeah, it can!  Can you make it work?  That's the more pertinent question.

I don't even know how to begin giving you advice, other than to say that you should maintain contact and hope that in time she develops mutual feelings.

If she's not in the frame for dating right now, you need to be around and available for when she eventually is.

Yeah, there is a chance that she'll only ever see you as a friend.  If she's very attractive, be prepared for the "I don't find you attractive that way" frame. 

But, hey... you're as good a chance as anyone at this stage!  Work on yourself and be the man you think she would want you to be, without trying overtly or changing too much about yourself.

Good luck!  This could be a slow burn scenario which may work out in your favor in the medium to long-term.

Let's see what happens...no doubt she has a lot of choice. But doesn't really want to date anyone now.

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Does not really matter.

Of course it matters. It matters because it may give you a clue to where her head it at.

I remember reading an article about a young widow. Traumatic sudden death and she was dating again.
She said something which I never really considered.
She said she will always love her late husband as there was no arguments, no fights, no resentment, no break up, no animosity...
He just walked out the door one morning never to return.  
She loved him then and she still loves him now. 
Her new bf understood and was happy to take her on on those terms.

This seems to me to be a rather complicated situation which you seem to have simplistically broken down to, she talks to you, she doesn't party and she is very attractive and there is no apparent current competition...

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Of course it matters. It matters because it may give you a clue to where her head it at.

I remember reading an article about a young widow. Traumatic sudden death and she was dating again.
She said something which I never really considered.
She said she will always love her late husband as there was no arguments, no fights, no resentment, no break up, no animosity...
He just walked out the door one morning never to return.  
She loved him then and she still loves him now. 
Her new bf understood and was happy to take her on on those terms.

This seems to me to be a rather complicated situation which you seem to have simplistically broken down to, she talks to you, she doesn't party and she is very attractive and there is no apparent current competition...

He died of a heart failure suddenly.

How should I break it down exactly? Ultimately the end result for me will likely just be the same but at least I have sort of regained some hope that even if fleetingly I have actually met someone I do find attractive overall. 

[Miss Spider]

Where do you live where these people that are attractive and do not go to the club every night or rare? Maybe you just need to change your location,  because it’s not rare around here(Midwest USA) at all. Your scarcity complex could be a big part of the problem. If you view women who are attractive and don’t get turnt every night in the club as some kind of rare, mythical creature, of course you were going to scare it off every time you see it

[ZA Dater]

52 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Where do you live where these people that are attractive and do not go to the club every night or rare? Maybe you just need to change your location,  because it’s not rare around here(Midwest USA) at all. Your scarcity complex could be a big part of the problem. If you view women who are attractive and don’t get turnt every night in the club as some kind of rare, mythical creature, of course you were going to scare it off every time you see it

Consider where I live as being a bit like Orange County.  

The problem for me has been OLD which I have realised is a very toxic activity indeed, I'd have been better off never going on it to begin with. She also tried OLD and has similarly bad experiences. We had very similar upbringings and life experiences have not been too dissimilar so there was a certain ability to relate, me being relatable to her and vice versa. Again this is very hard for me to find.

Very seldom do people get me to open up like she did and very seldom do I make many people laugh. \

My problem as ever is I have no idea how to actually charm someone, sure I am very good at being supportive and helpful but that is about as far as it goes for me. I suspect it became very obvious how clueless I am, someone actually has to find appeal in that because if they do not well its game over. She has no lack of interest, did I mention she models....

[Miss Spider]

I am thinking about moving to Chicago (few hours away) after grad and a big part of that is  just to date. Lots more people. 
 

Be very wary of an attractive  woman that admittedly has problems dating, including OLD. She either has a bad picker or something amiss with her personality that you have not noticed yet. Also everyone with an Instagram and photographer friend is a model these days. If been in any significant commercial or editorial stuff i would be slightly more impressed 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

My problem as ever is I have no idea how to actually charm someone, sure I am very good at being supportive and helpful but that is about as far as it goes for me.

That is not your problem. It’s not your lack of charm, or your sense of humour, or your looks, or that you’re a virgin. It’s your core beliefs about yourself (unworthy of love) and women / relationships / love. You have to come to terms with that and look to change those beliefs - likely through serious therapy. As long as you keep avoiding addressing the core problem, you’ll not succeed, regardless of whatever the particular woman you’re pursuing at any given time is like.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Weezy1973

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Be very wary of an attractive  woman that admittedly has problems dating, including OLD. She either has a bad picker or something amiss with her personality that you have not noticed yet.

She is a widow with a young baby...

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

That is not your problem. It’s not your lack of charm, or your sense of humour, or your looks, or that you’re a virgin. It’s your core beliefs about yourself (unworthy of love) and women / relationships / love. You have to come to terms with that and look to change those beliefs - likely through serious therapy. As long as you keep avoiding addressing the core problem, you’ll not succeed, regardless of whatever the particular woman you’re pursuing at any given time is like.

Core belief supported by mountains of evidence. Its hardly imagined, its the reality! 

You forget one simple fact about human beings, most of us only build up beliefs through experience. Different experiences lead to different beliefs. Just being nice to someone can change their belief, change their sense of self worth, change their approach. When all you face is rejection all the time you end up with a dour, negative and hopeless persona. Its easy to say shrug it off but trust me if its all you ever know its much easier said than done.

When I look at the good experiences I have had they were NEVER on actual dates, like this, spent three days with her interacting, was just nice. Likewise every other nice experience I had was the same. 

You assume I have not sat down with therapists.... I will say this I got zero value from any of them, fundamentally the issue I have with it, its all theoretical, one size fits all which is nonsense in my opinion. Actually the value I did get was a good debate. I have just accepted some people connect better than others. 

Despite my wholly negative dating attempts I do try and park that one side and I can laugh about it so no I do not make much attempt to hide it. Sure, my viewpoint is slanted to some extent based on the success I see and what is apparently needed to find that success. That is a problem to some degree but then again I ask myself if not OLD where does one find people.

1: Friends of friends: this works and does not work for me, works in that I find people I like, does not work in that those people never like me

2: Common interests: again pretty difficult based on my interests

3: The cold approach: I have zero confidence to do this and its debatable how well it actually works for the average guy

4: Pot luck: Most of my good experiences with 1 have also had large doses of this. 

Do I think I am attractive, probably not to most people, do I think I have good qualities, yes I do, do I think I can date someone, maybe but I concede the chances of that being based on mutual attraction are extremely small, I'd have to just settle which I will not do. I do think I offer something very different to other guys in my approach to life, the lack of experience and maybe someday I can get all the other pieces to fit together. Time has shown I am very good with kids, actually like being around kids. I am wholly unsuitable to the party type, equally unsuitable to the religious type.

Can I get this to work, probably not because to be honest I do not know how to barring being supportive and being there for her as she goes through what she is going through. I do not read people very well, barring body language which I have become quite good with.

If I get friendship from her that would be a win for me.